Devastated

[lovesick2001]

Dont even know where to start im new to this and not really up to date on the abbreviations ye use here so bare with me please.

 

This day last week i thought i was the most loved woman in the word by my MM. we met by chance at a gig and he wore no wedding ring and told me he was separated. we started texting and calling and became super close over a 6 month period but i wasnt that interested in him romantically. Eventually and foolishly i agreed to meet up with him and our relationship became physical. he had informed me that he was still living with is wife but the marriage was dead in the water. Im a smart girl or so i thought and should have run to the hills but stupidly i didnt!! He persued me and told me i was the love of his life.I got cold feet a lot and tried to finish it umpteen times but he woudl cry and beg and plead with me to reconsider so i did cos i was falling hard for him. he told me he could not bare his life without me and he was going to leave his wife. I have never in my life met a kinder man who showered me with love and affection. we live a 3 hour drive apart but saw each other often and he would phone and text me all the time. Fast forward six moths hes still at home but his marriage is getting nasty and she kicks him out 2 weeks ago, she suspects nothing.

So its christmas week and they meet up to orgnise xmas for the kids aged 17 and 12. " days later hes home and calls me to tell me hes giving it a go but if it doesnt work out he will call me in the new year. i saw red and died inside, i had asked him umpteen times did he want to try again with his wife and that i would back off quietly his answer was NO WAY!!!

 

Im normally quite level headed and empathetic but i just blew a gasket i threatend to tell his wife to make him squirm but eventually he ended up telling her cos i had backed him into a corner. she called me to tell me to leave them alone and i had thoughts of him begging her for forgivness telling her it was all my fault and i stalked him yada yada. so in complete temper i sent her lots of screen shots of texts he sent me declaring his un dying love to me and how i was the love of his life.

Im sure he hates me now but i have a sneaking suspicion he will be back intouch. Im pretty sure shell give him the boot as its the second time. I know i dont deserve any sympathy but he dragged venom out of me i didnt know i had. i feel so used and stupid. Can a human being really fake the love that he said he had for me and the way he showed me. id really like to hear from the MM who cheat to validate this for me. Ive really lost my faith in human nature. i know i did a wrong thing getting involve with him but he totally convinced me we were not having an affair that we were soul mates and nothing would stop us from been together. Did i really mean nothing to him. i knew he had a previous affair but in my love fog i actually believed that after getting caught one there would be no way he would risk getting caught again unless it was the real deal. I havent eaten for 7 days im falling apart and am so full of hatred for him and her (logically i know shes the real victim) it scares me. why doesnt his wife want to know any details from me i find that weird ! Help

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Help

 

Help how? And why? You're facing the consequences of your own actions. There's nothing to help you with.

[lovesick2001]

Youre totally right i am. I suppose i just want some help in understanding how someone can say something so meaningfully knowing they would never follow through.

[18Years2Late]

Don't think the W will kick him out the 2nd time...my xMOM's W caught him with me 4x...she's has reams of paper showing texts and emails and she moved out and she's knows we went OOT together numerous times afterwards...and I think (although not sure) that she's taken him back again...I'm sure he's trying but not sure she's buying it...

 

Don't hope she'll kick him out...he has/had a choice and he didn't choose u...that's all u need to know...it hurts but don't waste any more previous time on this MFer...

[lovesick2001]

Thank you for your advice. I know i shouldnt give him a second thought but i suppose like everyone on here i thought we were different. I cant understand how she could ever contemplate staying with him after reading the texts i sent her.

[MissBee]

Dont even know where to start im new to this and not really up to date on the abbreviations ye use here so bare with me please.

 

This day last week i thought i was the most loved woman in the word by my MM. we met by chance at a gig and he wore no wedding ring and told me he was separated. we started texting and calling and became super close over a 6 month period but i wasnt that interested in him romantically. Eventually and foolishly i agreed to meet up with him and our relationship became physical. he had informed me that he was still living with is wife but the marriage was dead in the water. Im a smart girl or so i thought and should have run to the hills but stupidly i didnt!! He persued me and told me i was the love of his life.I got cold feet a lot and tried to finish it umpteen times but he woudl cry and beg and plead with me to reconsider so i did cos i was falling hard for him. he told me he could not bare his life without me and he was going to leave his wife. I have never in my life met a kinder man who showered me with love and affection. we live a 3 hour drive apart but saw each other often and he would phone and text me all the time. Fast forward six moths hes still at home but his marriage is getting nasty and she kicks him out 2 weeks ago, she suspects nothing.

So its christmas week and they meet up to orgnise xmas for the kids aged 17 and 12. " days later hes home and calls me to tell me hes giving it a go but if it doesnt work out he will call me in the new year. i saw red and died inside, i had asked him umpteen times did he want to try again with his wife and that i would back off quietly his answer was NO WAY!!!

 

Im normally quite level headed and empathetic but i just blew a gasket i threatend to tell his wife to make him squirm but eventually he ended up telling her cos i had backed him into a corner. she called me to tell me to leave them alone and i had thoughts of him begging her for forgivness telling her it was all my fault and i stalked him yada yada. so in complete temper i sent her lots of screen shots of texts he sent me declaring his un dying love to me and how i was the love of his life.

Im sure he hates me now but i have a sneaking suspicion he will be back intouch. Im pretty sure shell give him the boot as its the second time. I know i dont deserve any sympathy but he dragged venom out of me i didnt know i had. i feel so used and stupid. Can a human being really fake the love that he said he had for me and the way he showed me. id really like to hear from the MM who cheat to validate this for me. Ive really lost my faith in human nature. i know i did a wrong thing getting involve with him but he totally convinced me we were not having an affair that we were soul mates and nothing would stop us from been together. Did i really mean nothing to him. i knew he had a previous affair but in my love fog i actually believed that after getting caught one there would be no way he would risk getting caught again unless it was the real deal. I havent eaten for 7 days im falling apart and am so full of hatred for him and her (logically i know shes the real victim) it scares me. why doesnt his wife want to know any details from me i find that weird ! Help

 

Hi lovesick,

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through .

 

I've learned through experience, that lots of things can feel like love, but don't stand to the test and aren't really love. Unfortunately, in these "love games", affairs and all, the actions that stroke another's ego happen to also feel good to the other person. So him being attentive to you, saying he loves you, sleeping with you etc, they benefit you as well as him...even if in the end it's not real love.

 

I think the test of such situations is what happens after dday. It's very easy to declare love and be caught up in the fog of feelings while the A is a secret and I'm sure he might have really believed himself as well...but when the bubble is burst, that's when you see what's really real. Unfortunately, your MM, like most, has no interest in changing their circumstances but once it comes to light the scramble to fix their life.

 

His wife isn't much different from you. You believed, although he was a previous "offender" so to speak, that he did really love you. His wife may believe that since he never left to be with his first AP, and hasn't left to be with you either and confessed, that he does love her more and just has "problems". Even after he's done what he's done to you, you're still sort of wishing he'll change and choose you and I'm sure his wife has those same reactions. It's crazy on both ends but that's an explanation for why both an OW and a BS may want a known cheater. It's understandable that now that he has left you hanging you want her to join forces with you and punish him, but unfortunately, sometimes that doesn't happen. I don't suggest you get caught up in why his wife takes him back or doesn't want info from you. That won't help you heal.

 

This man was a liar from the beginning. Let's be clear about that. I think that should be your focus. He and his wife are in some crazy back and forth dynamic and you were the latest party to his indecision and drama. This is HIM. You guys never really had a real foundation built on truth...but even so, you got attached to him and how he made you feel and I know all too well that that takes a while to get over and let go of.

 

I suggest you email him and tell him you're not interested in "picking back up" if things don't work with his wife and to never contact you again. Then delete him from every avenue and block him and allow yourself to grieve this. It'll be a while, but you'll feel well again and you'll find people here who have been in your shoes, who know how you feel and who've come out on the other side. (((hugs)))

Edited December 28, 2012 by MissBee

[lovesick2001]

Thank you so much for your kind advice.. I know deep in my heart you are so right. Ive had lots of upsetting things happen to me over the last year and i just feel so dumb and betrayed cos i thought this man was most of all a good friend and i confided in him. The rejection i can handle cos in fairness everyone has a right to end a relationship if they want to. but i just cant cope with the fact that i allowed myself to be reeled in by this crap. I had credited myself with more intelligence and common sense and never thought this could possibly happen to me. he made me feel like she was the other woman not me. i just cant grasp that someone could be so disregarding of anothers feelings. I guess its just another learning curve or maybe karma giving my just desserts for getting involve with another womans man. Right now i feel like a raggedy ann in a barbie doll world.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your advice. I know i shouldnt give him a second thought but i suppose like everyone on here i thought we were different. I cant understand how she could ever contemplate staying with him after reading the texts i sent her.

 

Because they children to consider. Because they are married and she may love him enough if he is worthy of another chance. Don't assume she's going to kick him out so he'll come running to you... Sorry but if you are having that fantasy or hoping he'll end up with you once he leaves her, you're mistaken. He won't. He is going to do all that he can to keep his family under one roof and if that means now ignoring you and never contacting you again, he'll do it.

 

Be glad it's over! You can now move on, heal yourself and find love with a guy who will love only you. You knew all along this was wrong, your gut knew, you tried to end it. You let him suck you back in..

 

No more roller coaster ride, you're free of it all.

[veryhappy]

What you are feeling is very normal. All of it. What you went through very predictable unfortunately. You are shell shocked because you believed one reality he fed to you, and once his reality crushed into it, things didn't make sense anymore for you because he's changed his tune completely.

 

His W doesn't matter. It took me around 2 months to get there. You'll take her out of the picture and only feel rage at him.

 

All you can to is tell him to eff off, that you are nobody's option and never contact you again. Oh, he will contact you especially if he had previous affairs, but only to resume something on the side. If you are clear you don't want that, make him stay away or you won't be able to move on.

 

Edit on why the W is taking him back: easier, history, children, assets, money, extended family, fear of the unknown, fear of being divorced. Add to that the intrigue of finding out somebody sees value in him when she wanted to throw him away. Suddenly her interest is piqued. I strongly advise you to cut all contact with him, or he'll keep you posted on how they're connecting emotionally, sexually or who knows how. I doubt you want to hear that.

Edited December 28, 2012 by cutedragon

[MissBee]

Thank you so much for your kind advice.. I know deep in my heart you are so right. Ive had lots of upsetting things happen to me over the last year and i just feel so dumb and betrayed cos i thought this man was most of all a good friend and i confided in him. The rejection i can handle cos in fairness everyone has a right to end a relationship if they want to. but i just cant cope with the fact that i allowed myself to be reeled in by this crap. I had credited myself with more intelligence and common sense and never thought this could possibly happen to me. he made me feel like she was the other woman not me. i just cant grasp that someone could be so disregarding of anothers feelings. I guess its just another learning curve or maybe karma giving my just desserts for getting involve with another womans man. Right now i feel like a raggedy ann in a barbie doll world.

 

Don't beat yourself up. If you were already in a vulnerable place, it's understandable esp when pursued, how it can seem inviting. Don't let it break you. Everything is indeed a lesson that you can learn from and do better next time

[watergirl12]

I completely agree with Bee and cutedragon.

 

Take care of yourself and move on,and practise never talking to him again.

 

`

[Sparkly24]

Hi Lovesick, I hope you are OK. I just wanted you to know that I went through exactly the same thing as you yesterday evening. I just learnt that my MM was lying to me about how he felt, that all of it was a story he spun especially for me, and that he never cared a jot for me. And all this time he has been nice as pie, my most favorite person in the world, my best friend, the most amazing man I could ever dream to meet. And it was actually all just an act. Which is very strange to think of, why would he bother? Whats the point? Surely people are not really that evil and manipulative? Its hard to comprehend because you know you would never do that to anyone, or even know how to. So right now I am sitting on my sofa in my pj's and I couldn't sleep last night, and I woke up this morning and I had forgotten, I checked my phone first thing and then remembered what had happened and IT SUCKS!!! It hurts right down into the pit of my stomach and I cant eat anything. Oh the drama but I guess I was asking for it lol! The thing is, you and I can walk away, and go and have amazing lives and meet great guys and have loads of guilt-free sex and do all sorts of exciting things and eventually meet someone who we really love and they really love us. And we will be stronger and wiser for going through this. What has he got? Wife and kids that dont give him what he wants, a family that he lies to all the time, and that is it. All he can ever hope for is to prey on other potential OW girls and have flings with them. You and I come out on top with this situation even though it does not feel like it. And wifey definitely does not come out on top, she is stuck with a man who hurt her and lied to her so don't be angry with her.