Troubled by my girlfriends past

[shane472]

I'll start off by saying this is a long post and I apologize for that, but this has been eating at me and I don't want to discuss it with anyone close to me. So for anyone who can read through the whole thing and offer their opinion, I would greatly appreciate it.

 

A little background on me, I'm 24 and while I'm no prude, I place a high value on sex and my view on it is that I only do it with someone I care deeply for. As a result, I've only been with a total of 3 girls now, all of whom I was in a serious relationship with. I don't expect people I date to be virgins, I know everyone has a past, but I'm having a really hard time dealing with my current gf's past and the more I find out the worse it gets.

 

So I met this girl online (first time I tried online dating) and we took things really slow at first. Talking on the phone and texting virtually all day before we ever met. At this point, I found out a friend of a friend of mine used to be fwb with this girl when they went to college. This really bothered me because I don't do stuff like that and I told her that I had learned of this and she told me that she wasn't promiscuous and to just meet her and get to know her myself and not worry. The guy had also told me she had only been with 5-6 guys which was no big deal either. So I decided to meet her and we hit it off really well and I fell for her really fast. She has so many great qualities that I've never had in a gf and I love being with her. She makes me really happy. But slowly I started finding things out about her that have changed how I look at her and made me really uncomfortable and I'm not sure if I can be with her.

 

The first issue came up when we had been dating for 3 weeks and I asked her why she still had her dating account up on the website. She told me she didn't but I was looking right at it while she said this so I caught her in a lie. We argued for a while and she tried to turn it around on me asking why I was on there in the first place. Then after 3-4 weeks of dating and spending a ton of time together, we finally had sex. Shortly after that she told me I should go get tested because she had been with a fair few guys and hadn't been tested in a while. This really upset and scared me as it's not the kind of thing I have to deal with. I asked her when was the last time she had slept with someone else was and she told me the night before our first date. This crushed me and I remember the night clearly. She was out drinking with friends and texting me all night. Finally she was so drunk and sending me stupid messages so I told her I would talk to her the next day. She usually texted me first thing in the morning but it was after noon by the time she did. I found out she had been texting me all night, went home with another guy and slept with him and then texted me "good morning :)" when she left his place. I can't even comprehend how someone can do this. So we went to get tested together and while speaking with the receptionist it comes up that she has never been tested even once before! All her life she thought a pap test was an std test. Then while we're waiting I was pretty quiet and she asked what was wrong and I just said I was nervous. So she says something along the lines of "how do you think I feel? I've never used a condom with any of these guys." You can't imagine how that made me feel, I almost threw up right there. Luckily the tests came back clean but I've found out even more. She still talks to the guy who she slept with right before our first date and he just lives down the street from her while I'm 30 mins away. She told me he asked her out for drinks and she said no but I looked at her phone and she told him yes. I confronted her and she got mad at me for snooping and said that yes she told him yes but it was never going to happen. She also was sleeping with someone else who was an old friend shortly before we began dating. She just places no value on sex and will have it with anyone. Has several **** buddies that she goes back and forth with and always has multiple guys on the go. She's almost 22 and has slept with somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 guys but I think the great majority of those have come in the past 3 years while she was in school. But the worst part of all and the thing I'm having the hardest time getting over is it came out she had a MMF threesome with 2 guys she had just met (one became a fwb and is the guy she slept with before our date). She went to the bar with some friends and these guys were brought along by someone else. As she tells it, she was drunk and they started tossing the idea around and for some reason she went for it and took them home with her to her place. I felt sick knowing I had laid in that bed with her but we left it at that. It was eating at me and I told her I was having all these awful mental images so she told me "one guy was having sex with me and I just sucked the other guys dick." As if that's supposed to somehow make me feel better. Who wants to hear their gf say that or have that mental image in their head? She told me she started crying and asked them to stop and no one finished but she had bragged about the experience to friends so I have serious doubts about that really being how it went down.

 

I just find it impossible to look at her the same now. I want a girl I can be proud of, who respects herself and who I can take home to my mom and introduce to my friends. I don't just date for the hell of it, I'm looking for someone with long-term potential - a future wife. I'm embarrassed knowing all this and any time we fight it comes up and I know that's unfair. I'm extremely uncomfortable with her now but she tells me I'm being immature and the past is the past. Thing is, I can't look past all that - its way too much. I believe your past, in part, shapes your future and your actions speak louder than your words. Someone who has done all that is a slut in my books, and I don't want to date a slut. But she has so many great qualities and is trying so hard to stay with me. I'm really torn over everything. I want to be ok with it but I know myself and that I won't ever become comfortable with this and I told her as much and that we should break up before it gets worse but she won't listen. On top of all that, I don't feel like I can trust her. She's lied to me before, plus she has a history of doing stupid things when drunk so how am I supposed to be ok with her going out without me? Also, she's used to having multiple sexual partners on the go at the same time so how can I satisfy her and what's to stop her from having another guy on the side? Some times I can forget about it and we have a great time but then it just pops up out of the blue and tortures me. I'm also angry that Ive finally met someone great but she has all this baggage which, to me, is a dealbreaker. I know it should be obvious what I need to do but she has a ton of great qualities that I would miss and thats what makes it hard. If anyone else can offer their input I'd really appreciate it. I've never been so back and forth on something or been so confused in my life

[veggirl]

Why are you still with her?

 

She is a liar, you know this for a fact.

 

What else is there to say? If it was a case of "she has slept with more people than I have, it makes me feel weird" or whatever, then that'd be a different story. But she is a flat-out liar.

 

And having sex with you when she has never used a condom with all the other guys?! What a trainwreck this girl is. She could have given you any # of diseases and she doesn't/didn't care.

 

Why are you with her? What good qualities does she have? She is nice, pretty, fun? So are a million other girls.

 

And sorry but "the past is the past" doesn't really apply when the past was ONE NIGHT before your FIRST DATE!

[GSB81]

Run now!!!!! You will never come to terms with her past. The good you see in her is not enough to make you ignore the bad. You've fallen for a whore. No shame in that, it happens all the time.

[todreaminblue]

You are going to have hard time getting over this.....when is you next scheduled std check because not all stds show up instantly some of them can remain dormant......and are not detectable...what si the period of time that she had sex how long ago? before you i mean...... and the time in between your test and sexual intercourse is?

 

she doesnt sound sexually savvy.....not using condoms multiple partners.yuck...turns me off and i am not you......this post helps my celibacy......if you jut do one other partner and they sleep with two people and those two epopel sleep with three people each none of them use condoms risk of infection is high probabillty its a chain sequence of infection.....this stuff sends me ocd...i would say shes high risk to cheat ......whether or not she has good qualitites it isnt worth your medical health and security...before you have sex really6 knwo a person well, and ask for a check.....sometimes women make mistakes......drunk whatever....this girl texted you after staying at a guys place...multi casual sex dater...are you a multi dater...i dont think so....she isnt right for you...im sorry about that.....before you date ask fro a screen on all stds to be done ...usecondoms for at least six months...know the person really well that takes time before having sex....you have to take responsibility for deciding to have sex with her...and putting yourself at risk....again this is why sex before marriage is russian roulette if you dont protect yourself....and get a screen done before sex...unlike the psoter above who said you have fallen for a whore i disagree whores are normally screened...part of the job descripton........they are clean and dont hook up with randoms for drunken sex....deb

[road]

Her already banging a lot of guys in the past is not important. One thing to give GF the benefit of the doubt that she has now changed.

 

What is important is her actions show that she has not changed her ways. She is lying and cheating now.

 

Because of her current behavior is why you must drop her.

[shane472]

Thanks for the responses. It helps to hear it from people with no investment in the situation. She keeps telling me I'm overreacting and she's not a slut but holy crap, if that's not a slut than what is? I know I'm not comfortable with the knowledge of her past and never will be and I don't want to be with someone whom I think of that way. But she keeps making it seem like something's wrong with me because I can't overlook her past which to me really isn't her past since it continued up until the night before our first date and may very well be continuing still. Ughh.

 

Once again, thanks for the input. It feels good knowing other people see it the same way as I do. I will definitely go get another test after the holidays to be safe.

 

I don't want to lead her on by staying with her but it's the holidays and her birthday is in a week. I would feel like a real jerk breaking it off with her right now. I know it won't go smoothly because I tried breaking it off with her when I first found all this out and it was ugly. A million phone calls, texts, emails, showing up at my place and making a scene. I guess the way I treated her before I knew everything is the best a guy has ever treated her so she doesn't want to let go. Problem is, I can't look at her the same and treat her the same anymore. Anyone got any advice on how to end it the easiest way possible? Anyone I've ever broke up with has been mature enough to realize it's not working and to just go their own way.

Edited December 28, 2012 by shane472

[GSB81]

Also, that guy asked her out and she said yes. Even if she's honest about it never going to happen, she still said yes. Will that cause him to back off and go away?

[veggirl]

But she keeps making it seem like something's wrong with me because I can't overlook her past which to me really isn't her past since it continued up until the night before our first date and may very well be continuing still. Ughh.

 

Nothing is wrong with you. She's the one who has more than a few screws loose.

 

Once again, thanks for the input. It feels good knowing other people see it the same way as I do. I will definitely go get another test after the holidays to be safe.

Did SHE get tested? Don't sleep with her again, seriously. She may have something she didn't give you YET. It sounds like she didn't get tested, just told you to? that just means you don't have something yet, she could still have something.

 

I know it won't go smoothly because I tried breaking it off with her when I first found all this out and it was ugly. A million phone calls, texts, emails, showing up at my place and making a scene.

Big shocker. Color NONE of us surprised that this girl is a major drama queen! When you DO break up with her (when are you going to? You should stop with the excuses...the holidays are over and playing nice on her bday is stupid) you should go No Contact...check out the break up section.

 

I guess the way I treated her before I knew everything is the best a guy has ever treated her so she doesn't want to let go. Problem is, I can't look at her the same and treat her the same anymore. Anyone got any advice on how to end it the easiest way possible? Anyone I've ever broke up with has been mature enough to realize it's not working and to just go their own way.

Just tell her "I don't want to be with you anymore. I can't get over the things I know and the things that have happened during our relationship. I don't trust you and I can't be with someone I can't trust."

 

tbh the fact that she is most likely CURRENTLY cheating on you (going for drinks with this guy and lying about it?!) and your first instinct is still "I dont want to ruin her birthday" or whatever says a lot...it indicates you'll prob get sucked way back into her drama fest when you actually do break up with her. You should just do it now.

[Pompom]

This is not a black and white situation.

 

I would be as upset as you were when she had the nerve to tell her about getting tested after the act. When someone is not sure they're clean, they either say it up front and take precautions, or they are an irresponsible cunt.

 

However, her dating past itself, let's look at it from another angle. Let's forget about condoms. You sound like you wouldn't be any less upset if she'd used them.

Many guys get off on the mental images of their girlfriend doing dirty things with other men, as this gives them the idea of wanting to do that, too. They may fantasize about being one of those guys (talking about the threesome).

She did have a lot of partners, but who says it was about quantity and not quality? Personally I don't see much of a difference between 1 and 100 meaningless flings, while I do believe that you can have several meaningful ones.

 

As for sleeping with someone the night before your first date, I think you should see how she felt about that guy. What if she's one of those people who entertain "options"? Maybe she "kind of" liked that guy, but then liked you much better? I once had this fling with a guy I really didn't like, but he had my kink, so I slept with him twice. After the second time, my friend introduced me to a guy I immediately fell in love with the moment our eyes met. So what if I had sex the night before, I couldn't have known I was going to meet Prince Charming the next day. Should anyone hold that against me? At that moment, I decided I was not going to see that other guy again.

 

I think it's normal that a person - gender should not matter! - entertains casual relationship while officially single. Unless it's serious and mutual commitment has been promised, why not? That doesn't mean this person cannot commit to something serious with someone special. Personally, when I'm in love, mutual or one-sided, I tend to refrain from any flings with other men.

 

I want a girl I can be proud of, who respects herself and who I can take home to my mom and introduce to my friends.

Who says she doesn't respect herself? Your attitude towards sexually active women? She has been doing what she found she enjoyed. The unprotected sex MAY be a lack of care for oneself, but it may also be a deliberate choice for preference, or neglected in moments of passion. Other than that, having a very active sex life does not mean one disrespects oneself.

 

And you can very well introduce her to your entourage. It's not because a woman is an animal in bed, that she cannot be classy. I swallow, I deep-throat, and I let him call me his bitch, I've done things that would melt your brain, but in front of anyone's mother, I will sit with my legs closed, hold my cup with 2 hands, and nibble my cookies gingerly. Unless I'm with very unclassy people, or something slips, I don't swear around peoples' family. My friends trust me with their parents, their children, and their childrens teachers, while some of my friends know my sexual history.

 

So on one hand, your girlfriend needs to get her act together. If you two want to be together, she needs to deactivate her dating profile. She needs to promise to not see other men.

But you also need to mellow out. A threesome, drunk or sober, is something perfectly sane and acceptable adults do. So are one night stands of other kinds. Aside from the disease thing and seeing men while already having you hooked, she isn't really doing anything all that horrible.

 

As for sluts, 3 things you need to think about:

1. Would you hold men to the same standards, or are you a sexist jerk?

2. Is being a slut a bad thing? Because last time I checked, consensual sex among adults, is great fun for all those involved.

3. Even a slut can be serious and exclusive. The past may influence who we are, but it may do so in ways other than you expect. She may have learned - or not yet - to act differently. Learning doesn't necessarily mean learning something to repeat it, it can also mean learning something to avoid its repetition.

 

You should give her a chance to proove to you that her sexual past is indeed in the past, and let her show to you that she has learned something from it that can actually be useful in a serious relationship.

 

As for lying, everybody lies. How much lying is acceptable, is up to the individual who is being lied to.

 

I know it won't go smoothly because I tried breaking it off with her when I first found all this out and it was ugly. A million phone calls, texts, emails, showing up at my place and making a scene.

What exactly did she say? Maybe she's trying hard to convince you that she wants a chance. If I'm not serious about a guy, I don't care if he dumps me, much less with other guys on the side, but that's just me.

 

To conclude, she doesn't sound like the ideal partner, but you're over-inflating her past.

[KathyM]

She's cheating on you because she still had her dating profile up while supposedly being exclusive with you, and then she lied to you about it. Nobody wants a liar and a cheater for a girlfriend, or someone you can't trust. And she was so reckless with your health as to mislead you about her past and then telling you after the fact that you should get tested for STDs. This woman doesn't deserve to be treated with kid gloves, and she doesn't deserve you. Tell her it's obvious you are not a match, and so you're breaking it off with her. Then don't respond to her desperate phone calls or visits. Be firm about your decision.

[shane472]

Let's forget about condoms. You sound like you wouldn't be any less upset if she'd used them.

 

I still wouldn't be all that comfortable with the large number of guys she's been with at her age but not ever using protection and not even having an std test, in my opinion, is stupid and shows a great lack of respect for oneself and others. She initiated sex our first time and then told me afterwards, thereby exposing me to all her partners and everyone they had been with. That's disgusting.

 

As for sleeping with someone the night before your first date, I think you should see how she felt about that guy. What if she's one of those people who entertain "options"? Maybe she "kind of" liked that guy, but then liked you much better?

 

She didn't like the guy, just used him for sex. He's one of the guys who was in her threesome. The problem I have with that is she was texting and flirting with me all night, went home with him and slept with him and then started texting me as soon as she left his place. Is that normal?

 

 

Who says she doesn't respect herself? Your attitude towards sexually active women? She has been doing what she found she enjoyed. The unprotected sex MAY be a lack of care for oneself, but it may also be a deliberate choice for preference, or neglected in moments of passion. Other than that, having a very active sex life does not mean one disrespects oneself.

 

The lack of protection and testing to ensure one's health shows a lack of respect in my opinion. Also, letting two guys you just met talk you into a threesome shows a lack of respect for oneself. Maybe I'm just used to dating a different kind of girl because girls I know, if propositioned at the bar for a threesome by two complete strangers, wouldn't take them back to their place. They would tell them to **** off, slap them or throw a drink in their face. As a guy, I can tell you mmf threesomes aren't about making the woman feel good. They're about dominating and degrading her, which some guys get off on for some reason. Again, not my thing. She must have a reputation amongst people who know her and these guys had a pretty good idea they could get her to go for it. Not the kind of girl I want and I can't stop picturing her getting roasted She also let a few guys use her as a booty call, going over to their place at all hours of the night/early morning because they'd text her saying they were horny. That's basically letting someone use you as a call girl but you're not even getting paid.

 

But you also need to mellow out. A threesome, drunk or sober, is something perfectly sane and acceptable adults do. So are one night stands of other kinds.

 

Threesomes may be normal for some but I don't think getting drunk and taking two guys you just met a few hours before is really normal, would you? It's sure not normal to me.

 

As for sluts, 3 things you need to think about:

1. Would you hold men to the same standards, or are you a sexist jerk?

 

I do hold men to the same standards. I'm not one of those guys who thinks a guy who sleeps around is the man and a girl who does the same is a slut. If you read my OP you'd see what my views are on sex. I'm not like that and I don't like guys who sleep around and use women either. Not my style.

 

You should give her a chance to proove to you that her sexual past is indeed in the past, and let her show to you that she has learned something from it that can actually be useful in a serious relationship.

 

This is the part that makes it really hard. I don't feel like it really is the past as it happened the night before our first date and leaving another guys bed then texting me immediately following it just grosses me out. It doesn't help that this is the same guy who she had a threesome with, he lives just down the street while I live 30 mins away, and I know she still talks with him and agreed to go for drinks with him (though she says it was never going to happen.) I don't like that she even talks to this guy and I've told her. I feel like given her history with him and her history with winding up in people's beds when drinking it's only a matter of time before something happens.

[BetrayedH]

Road is correct that her current behavior is the problem. She lied about being on a dating website and lied about saying no to another guy's request for another date (that would be the real dealbreaker for me; she said yes to him and lied to you).

 

She is simply not yet mature enough for a committed relationship.

 

Break up with her before you are the laughing stock of the school where everyone knows she is cheating on you except you.

[tman666]

Dump her immediately if you're looking for wife material.

 

The main issue here is that your values and her values do not mesh. You might be able to overlook it in the short term, but this will come back to haunt you if you stick with this girl.

 

Why should she get a free pass from the consequences of her actions? What has she done to prove that she's willing to meet you at least half-way? Nothing, as far as I can see. Why should you concede on your values?

 

It's like more and more people these days think that their actions carry no consequences. News flash: yes, yes they do.

[tman666]

Also, make sure that when you dump her, don't pussyfoot around with it. Don't worry about a long, whimsical speech or trying to "let her down softly". Just call her up, tell her that you're done with her, and tell her to have a nice life.

[shane472]

Dump her immediately if you're looking for wife material.

 

The main issue here is that your values and her values do not mesh. You might be able to overlook it in the short term, but this will come back to haunt you if you stick with this girl.

 

This is totally how I feel. I try and tell myself it shouldn't matter and I can have a few good days but then it'll come rushing back and eat at me. I doubt I'll ever be ok with it but she doesn't get that. Wanted me to go see a therapist with her but what can a stranger tell me that would make me feel differently when my beliefs and values are part of who I am?

 

Why should she get a free pass from the consequences of her actions? What has she done to prove that she's willing to meet you at least half-way? Nothing, as far as I can see. Why should you concede on your values?

 

It's like more and more people these days think that their actions carry no consequences. News flash: yes, yes they do.

 

This last part is so true and I've said it to her. She's lucky she hasn't gotten raped with her history of drinking, gotten an std or had her reputation spread around which could even affect her job. She keeps telling me she always wanted a serious relationship which makes no sense to me because that's not how you go about finding one. She also always says everything happens for a reason and everything she did led her to me but in reality everything she did makes me not want to be with her. She just doesn't get that I don't have to be ok with it and a lot of guys wouldn't if they knew all that. I'm not trying to make her feel bad for what she's done, just to make her understand I don't want that.

[shane472]

Also, make sure that when you dump her, don't pussyfoot around with it. Don't worry about a long, whimsical speech or trying to "let her down softly". Just call her up, tell her that you're done with her, and tell her to have a nice life.

 

I'm one of those people who sometimes has a hard time being blunt and mean so this causes problems. When I tried to break up with her before I tried to let her down nicely and I told her she had a lot of great qualities I really liked but she just wasn't right for me because of her past. This probably didn't do me any favours. Next time I'm just gonna have to cut it off and not worry about her feelings. She did all that stuff and can live with the consequences of it now.

[naviis]

I'm one of those people who sometimes has a hard time being blunt and mean so this causes problems. When I tried to break up with her before I tried to let her down nicely and I told her she had a lot of great qualities I really liked but she just wasn't right for me because of her past. This probably didn't do me any favours. Next time I'm just gonna have to cut it off and not worry about her feelings. She did all that stuff and can live with the consequences of it now.

 

I think that's a fair way to break up with someone. It's up to her now to respect your decision. You should have gone NC after that.

 

Be firm -- like other posters said, at this point it's not a matter of being mature or accepting: your core values are too different and no one should have to compromise on that.

[tman666]

This is totally how I feel. I try and tell myself it shouldn't matter and I can have a few good days but then it'll come rushing back and eat at me. I doubt I'll ever be ok with it but she doesn't get that. Wanted me to go see a therapist with her but what can a stranger tell me that would make me feel differently when my beliefs and values are part of who I am?

 

Oh, now YOU'RE the one who needs to go to therapy? Jesus dude, this girl is unbelievable.

 

This last part is so true and I've said it to her. She's lucky she hasn't gotten raped with her history of drinking, gotten an std or had her reputation spread around which could even affect her job. She keeps telling me she always wanted a serious relationship which makes no sense to me because that's not how you go about finding one. She also always says everything happens for a reason and everything she did led her to me but in reality everything she did makes me not want to be with her. She just doesn't get that I don't have to be ok with it and a lot of guys wouldn't if they knew all that. I'm not trying to make her feel bad for what she's done, just to make her understand I don't want that.

 

Nope, you certainly do not have to be ok with her behavior. I could be wrong, but my guess is that at no point in your relationship with this girl did you sign a contract stating that she was free from all judgement.

 

Of course, the goal isn't to proselytize and preach and try to make her feel bad or "see the errors of her ways". I'm assuming she probably considers herself to be an adult, and would likely demand to be treated like one if given the option.

 

So treat her like one: kick her lying, manipulative ass to the curb, and when she asks why, tell her exactly why. Then stick to it.

 

There are much better quality females out there, trust me. Please don't waste any more of your precious time on this one.

[Darren Steez]

Thanks for the responses. It helps to hear it from people with no investment in the situation. She keeps telling me I'm overreacting and she's not a slut but holy crap, if that's not a slut than what is? I know I'm not comfortable with the knowledge of her past and never will be and I don't want to be with someone whom I think of that way. But she keeps making it seem like something's wrong with me because I can't overlook her past which to me really isn't her past since it continued up until the night before our first date and may very well be continuing still. Ughh.

 

Once again, thanks for the input. It feels good knowing other people see it the same way as I do. I will definitely go get another test after the holidays to be safe.

 

I don't want to lead her on by staying with her but it's the holidays and her birthday is in a week. I would feel like a real jerk breaking it off with her right now. I know it won't go smoothly because I tried breaking it off with her when I first found all this out and it was ugly. A million phone calls, texts, emails, showing up at my place and making a scene. I guess the way I treated her before I knew everything is the best a guy has ever treated her so she doesn't want to let go. Problem is, I can't look at her the same and treat her the same anymore. Anyone got any advice on how to end it the easiest way possible? Anyone I've ever broke up with has been mature enough to realize it's not working and to just go their own way.

 

You were born alone and you will leave this earth alone. All that is important is your family.

 

YOU OWE NO-ONE outside this circle, except maybe close friends anything. Scratch that, nothing!

 

So you basically know she's talking and texting guys when you're not around..correct?

 

And while we can get all sanctimonious about sexually transmitted diseases put it like this..if you visit a friend and they had a gun connected to their hand and every now and then it went off..just randomly..you laugh about it because he pointed it in your general direction and it missed you by inches.

 

Why oh why, sexually transmitted diseases can end your life, is that not serious!!! She's already shown she sleeps with guys who insist on no condoms, is this the person you want to spend anymore time with?

 

Get smart, grow some nuts and dump her pronto. she's not your friend, she's just someone you met online. Run ..scratch that, SPRINT!!!