UnhappyInLuv Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 I have posted this on the infidelity part of the website. Perhaps more suited to this part of the forum. I have known this guy for about 11 years. We met on holiday. He was in a group of people and one night he decided to ask me to go out with the group. I fancied him like crazy so accepted. Went out, had loadsa fun, thats where it ended. Spent the rest of the holiday with the group. We argued like crazy and wound each other up but the rest of the group thought it was in jest. When we argued I felt really hurt inside. It later evolved that he was seeing another of the girls in the group, so not wanting to split the group, he never approached me. When we all got home, we wrote to each other. He told me that he was gutted that nothing had happened between us and that he really wanted it to, I told him the same. He came to visit me for a weekend a couple of years later. He stayed over on the settee and I was upstairs in bed. Later evolved that we were both waiting for each other to come up/down stairs in the night. Over the years we have arranged to meet up and either one of us (more often than not, me!) has made up an excuse right at the last minute and cancelled. 11 years (or so!) on and we still chat. Over the past couple of years we have become very close by text message/email. He has been there for me when I have been having troubles with my husband. He started flirting with me when he was drunk one night (over text) and asking me to meet him as he was down my way. I was at a friends house for dinner so had to decline (how gutted was I!!!!). I text him once and told him that he only flirts with me when he is drunk. He was hurt and asked me if that was what I thought of him. I cried and text back half-confessing my feelings for him. Recently we have been (soberly!) flirting lots and I have told him by email that I think I lust/love him. I don't want to lose him as a friend. What should I do? I want something to happen with my friend. Even if its just once to find out what I missed. What should I do???? Help!!!! Link to previous post which explains a little more about the situation: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45494/ Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 You're married, so the answer is: stop all contact with the old friend and give up the fantasy of what might have been. Either that, or get a divorce so that you are free to pursue other opportunities, including this one. It's not fair to your husband to go behind his back with an emotional (already happening) or physical (being contemplated) affair. Having sex with a man just once will only show you whether that physical chemistry was there, as you believed and hoped it would be. It won't show you how a relationship with him would work out. That only comes over a long period of time. Inevitably, the fantasy elements get fleshed out with real ones -- often less satisfying and thrilling. Rather than focusing on this old friend, focus on what you're missing in your life that he seems to provide. That youthful energy later love brings comes from your having accepted a loss of vitality / inspiration / excitement about daily living. What more constructive / less destructive solution can you find for that? -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnhappyInLuv Posted August 19, 2004 Author Share Posted August 19, 2004 Thanks Uriel I can see what you are saying. Think most of my feelings for my friend are fantasy but I can't help but feel that some are not. We just hit it off all them years ago and I can't help thinking things could be the same. My husband is a lovely bloke (although, as with most, they have their moments!!). All my friends think so. Not sure that I can give him up for a maybe. Its hard to just cut my friend out of my life. He has played a part for soooo long. Perhaps physical chemistry is what I need right now. As you probably read on the other part of the site, me and my husband are going through a rather long "dry spell". I keep thinking of my friend and what it'd be like to feel his lips on mine, what it'd feel like for him to just hold me and gaze into my eyes (like they do in the movies). Dumb eh?? It will be hard for us to be friends like we were. If he said to me "I feel the same, leave your husband and we'll start our own life" I'd probably be there like a shot although it'd kill me to leave my husband. I feel like me and my friend are soul mates. Not saying I married the wrong bloke but I just don't think the romance and passion is in my marriage like the early days. Even then it wasn't like "I have to have you now!" type passion. Thats what some people need and I'm one of them people. I am still confused. Help!! Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 I had an emotional affair with a male friend for the very reasons you're mentioning. They're especially common for women in their 30s. My advice is to rekindle the spark with your husband through working on getting a more intimate emotional connect with him reestablished. The sex will improve. Get playful. Change things around. Ask for what you want. Experiment. Don't go outside your marriage for this guy. But do give him up cold turkey. The only way to make your marriage revive emotionally and sexually is to give yourself to it 100%. Won't happen as long as you have an outlet for unmet needs. BTW, what do you think of a guy who is fooling around emotionally and perhaps inviting sexual fooling too with a married woman, knowing it's messing with her mind and might very well sink the source of her stability in the world? Do you think he'd step up to the plate and marry you if the affair happened, your husband found out, and you were left out on the stoop with a suitcase (as you'd deserve)? -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnhappyInLuv Posted August 20, 2004 Author Share Posted August 20, 2004 I guess you are right! Thanks for all your advice. Will give my all to my marriage and although I can't give up my friend 100%, I will give up, cold turkey, the emotional side of our friendship and keep things platonic. Here's hoping! Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 As for keeping things platonic, the best way is to never say anything to your friend that you wouldn't say right in front of your husband to him. That means no complaining about your marriage (that's usually a way that affairs get a foothold) and no sexual banter. If your old friend keeps flirting, just ignore it and change the topic. You'll be surprised, I think, at how much less interesting and fun your old friendship is without that inappropriate spark. You'll feel like you've lost a genuine pleasure from your life, something you crave. Turn those cravings back toward your husband. Don't pressure him to change so that he can fulfill them. Encourage him to reconnect with you to get more of his needs met too. Men tend to operate at a comfortable, low-effort steady state in relationships because they think everything is fine and that's all they have to do. He loves you, you love him -- now he can go to work and watch tv. But, that doesn't mean he's getting juiced up by your relationship either. Ask him what his fantasies are. Tell him what yours are. Go out and do some of the things that brought you together. Explain the new understandings you've come to at this point in your life, as if introducing him to the current, inner you. Ask about his. Worked for me -- and I'm so glad it did. Hope it does for you, too. Good luck -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnhappyInLuv Posted February 14, 2005 Author Share Posted February 14, 2005 I can't do it!!!!!!! Its driving me mad!!!!!!! I haven't spoken to my friend for approx. 5 months and I can't get him off of my mind. He has changed his mobile number. He is not answering emails. It is killing me! I've tried not contacting him. I've tried not thinking about him. I can't do it!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss him soooo much. We used to talk all the time. He was my confidente. Now I have no-one to turn to. My best friend is like a walking newspaper and so are all my friends except for my friend who is not talking to me. What have I done that is sooooooo wrong? Tell him how I feel. Help!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnhappyInLuv Posted February 14, 2005 Author Share Posted February 14, 2005 I can't do it!!!!!!! Its driving me mad!!!!!!! I haven't spoken to my friend for approx. 5 months and I can't get him off of my mind. He has changed his mobile number. He is not answering emails. It is killing me! I've tried not contacting him. I've tried not thinking about him. I can't do it!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss him soooo much. We used to talk all the time. He was my confidente. Now I have no-one to turn to. My best friend is like a walking newspaper and so are all my friends except for my friend who is not talking to me. What have I done that is sooooooo wrong? Tell him how I feel. Help!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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