A Married Woman Took Advantage Of Me Tonight, No Idea What To Think

[TG4MJ]

We've been friends for almost nine years. We Dated briefly but the timing was just wrong as she had just lost her mother and I grew tired of her brother babying her despite her being a grown woman. She married after that but we became online friends (where we met originally). Started hanging out again about two years ago. Tonight she said she wanted to come over and watch some movies with me. I was bored and I have time off so I figured why not ? She brought a sixer and actually wanted to smoke pot with me which may or may not be connected to her actions (she doesn't smoke but doesn't care that I do). I figured maybe she was just being a typical friend and bringing some beer and decided to try something new, happens with guys, why not with a woman ya know ? We got a little toasty and decided to kill the Back To The Future Trilogy. Usually I sit on my computer chair while she lies on my bed but for some reason she asked me to lay down next to her. She kept on insisting on me getting close to her which I thought was weird but I guess I was too toasty for it to register. Suddenly shes cuddling with me which I have to admit made me slightly jittery. I tried to just act normal and started bringing up little movie trivia about the cast, but somehow she was able to feel my heart racing because I won't lie, I was kind of nervous. She pulled me closer to her and I pointed out how she was holding me a little TOO close, but she just kept on pulled me closer and closer until our lips met. I was in shock but in extacy at the same time. I initially tried to stop her but she just, for lack of a better terms, seduced me. I don't know how else to say it, the more I tried to fight it the harder she tried until I just surrendered and we just went ahead succumbed to almost a decades worth of secretly longing for each other. No idea what to think, still in absolute shock. How could this happen to me ? Has this happened to anyone else ? If so please offer insight because this has never happened to me before.

[Catplates]

No adult male is "taken advantage of" or female for that matter. Unless it is rape of course, a totally different scenario.

 

You did it and it takes the will and desire to achieve that.

 

Don't be putting all the blame on the woman. Own up to what you did. YOu are both responsible.

[Trimmer]

You want insight? The first step to insight, and seeing the situation for what it is, would be to own your part in it. Everything you say is about waht she did and what happened to you. Sorry, but you were a full participant in this. Until you own that, you will not find insight.

[Radu]

We've been friends for almost nine years. We Dated briefly but the timing was just wrong as she had just lost her mother and I grew tired of her brother babying her despite her being a grown woman. She married after that but we became online friends (where we met originally). Started hanging out again about two years ago. Tonight she said she wanted to come over and watch some movies with me.

First semi-problem.

Heterosexual men and women cannot be just friends.

Or they can but it takes a lot of effort and maturity.

This is why every interaction when you part of this kind of relationship has to be seen in the bigger picture and mentally checked to see that it doesn't lead somewhere.

 

I was bored and I have time off so I figured why not ? She brought a sixer and actually wanted to smoke pot with me which may or may not be connected to her actions (she doesn't smoke but doesn't care that I do).

Beer and pot remove restraints to do certain things.

That does not mean that it puts ideeas in your mind.

If this was a regular occurence, i'd say that this 30+ woman needs to grow up.

If this was not a regular occurence, i'd say that she is trying to forget something or maybe even get some courage to do something.

 

I figured maybe she was just being a typical friend and bringing some beer and decided to try something new, happens with guys, why not with a woman ya know ?

LOL

No, just no.

From a certain psychological pov, women are more sophisticated than men.

Which means that you should generally try to find a hidden meaning more often, and that they are more prone to rationalizing guilt away [guys can do it very well too when they need to].

 

We got a little toasty and decided to kill the Back To The Future Trilogy. Usually I sit on my computer chair while she lies on my bed but for some reason she asked me to lay down next to her.

If you followed my comments till now, i think you will find no surprise in what i'm saying ... she came with a plan to seduce you.

 

She kept on insisting on me getting close to her which I thought was weird but I guess I was too toasty for it to register.

No, it lowered your inhibitions ... which were already kinda low for putting yourself in this situation.

 

Suddenly shes cuddling with me which I have to admit made me slightly jittery. I tried to just act normal and started bringing up little movie trivia about the cast, but somehow she was able to feel my heart racing because I won't lie, I was kind of nervous. She pulled me closer to her and I pointed out how she was holding me a little TOO close, but she just kept on pulled me closer and closer until our lips met. I was in shock but in extacy at the same time. I initially tried to stop her but she just, for lack of a better terms, seduced me.

You can't seduce someone who doesn't have any attraction for you.

You could be Angelina Jolie at 25, and you would still fail to seduce the most wretched pathetic male on earth if knew it was wrong and was dedicated to not letting it happen.

 

I don't know how else to say it, the more I tried to fight it the harder she tried until I just surrendered and we just went ahead succumbed to almost a decades worth of secretly longing for each other.

Was she stronger than you ?

Were you tied to the bed ?

Were you with 1 foot in alcoholic coma ?

I doubt it.

 

No idea what to think, still in absolute shock. How could this happen to me ? Has this happened to anyone else ? If so please offer insight because this has never happened to me before.

Ok, i hope you will actually try to be critical with yourself.

 

---

 

She came there with a plan.

The plan might not have been a conscious plan as in 'i plan to seduce and **** tg4mj', more like a plan of this sort :

"I deserve a night off, i will go and hang out with this 'nice' guy [put on sexy underwear]. Might as well buy some bear, i'll make sure i don't get drunk and do something i'll regret [selects revealing clothes].

It's just a friendly thing with another friend, it doesn't mean anything that he is male [puts on sexy makeup].

I wonder if he has some pot [arranges breasts in bathroom mirror]."

 

After this, she will blame it on her husband for 'falling out of love with him', tell him maybe that she 'loves him but is not in love with him', and if she files she will say that 'he did not fulfill her emotional needs'.

If he fights back, or does not go ok with the divorce immediately [or finds out of the affair], she will accuse him of causing this, turn mutual friends on him and make sure she shows up as a victim.

 

PS: The above doesn't make you any less of an idiot.

[TaraMaiden]

A Married Woman Took Advantage Of Me Tonight, No Idea What To Think

 

You lucky ol' dog you.... you're not complaining - are you....?

 

(Is this for real.....? )

[ThatJustHappened]

She was horny and you were weak. She didn't take advantage of you, you welcomed it, and now you're trying to justify your actions to assuage your guilt.

 

You made a boo boo. Own up and take care of it.

[bentnotbroken]

You...I repeat....You were NOT taken advantage of. You were a willing participant....own it.

[TG4MJ]

Woah woah woah wait a min, first things first, I didn't want this to happen. I didn't plan it or expect it. We've been friends for almost a decade ! Nothing ever happened and we just became normal friends. We hung out regularly for two years and she never once gave hints that she wanted this. She was just like a regular friend ! She heard I quit hanging out with my old friends who she always hated and we'd some times go shoot pool or go to the movies or have lunch together, I even baby sat her kid a couple of times so she could take beauty school classes at night. I can honestly say things were strictly platonic between us.

 

For the record, I'm not smooth and suave like other guys, I'm socially awkward and according to some a bit of a dork, I'm kind of weird looking too, I'm short and even though I'm barely 30 I have a little kid face, I still get ID'd for smokes and booze. My co workers nicknamed me McLovin, to give you an idea of how geeky I am to girls. Women don't typically want me or desire guys like me, I've NEVER, and I mean NEVER had a girl get like this with me before. Girls just don't see me like that, so that's why this whole situation is weird to me. Oh yeah and by the way Radu, technically she was able to over power me because she's taller than me ok ? I'm 5'6 she's around six feet tall, I mean what the hell ? Women don't like small guys, they like tall musclehead types. Think about it, when do you ever see a couple where the woman is way taller than the man ? There aren't any !!! There are alot of guys around here who are bigger and probably better looking than me, why would she choose me over them ?

 

And last but not least, for the record, I do actually feel bad about this. I mean I'm not like other guys, other guys would be all bragging about this and stuff, but I am a human being, I have a heart, I've been dating a woman that I actually like and who seems to like me, and I feel bad. I mean technically we aren't an official couple but I've always had an extreme dislike for players and maybe I'm wrong but I think this situation makes me one. I guess the downside of not being smooth is you dont have the kind of experience in these things as other men your age, then when this kind of thing happens it's just like one major mind fornication. So, yeah.

[ThatJustHappened]

So she raped you?

[dreamingoftigers]

Honestly, cut her off....

 

This was an ego thing for her and any way you look at it, it's not healthy.

 

Don't do the whole "oh we'll NEVER do this again" because ****'s weird now and she tossed out her marriage. K?

 

If you really didn't want it, than don't risk it happening again.

 

Sometimes people just go strange ****.

 

Date the nice girl, stay away from the strange.

 

Let her get her "mclovin" from her husband.

 

Put up some firmer boundaries.

 

When a woman is trying to get you to draw closer, closer, closer.....that should be the tipping point hint for you.

 

I'm sure nearly everyone has done something messed up before. Try to let it go and don't repeat.

 

Also remember, if you DON'T want it that hinting that you don't is not enough. It gives her the message that she just needs to push it a little harder, a little more. You gotta say "NO."

 

Some of us girls had to learn that the hard way.

 

Just trying to ignore the subject is only going to make you look "coy" to s pursuer. Or "playing hard to get."

[MissBee]

I fail to see how she took advantage of you.

 

You asked how did that happen..........well, it's pretty simple, you allowed it to because you didn't remove yourself off the bed and tell her to go home to her hubby.

 

Nothing complicated about it, except your feelings in the aftermath.

 

I agree.

 

I don't see the taken advantage of.

 

First off...why would anyone allow their married ex to come to their house to drink and get high? Isn't that obvious that it's a bad idea and that that situation could lead to poor judgment and boundary crossing. As a married woman, even as a woman who just has a boyfriend, there is NO WAY, I'm going to hang out with some other man at his home and watch "movies" and drink and smoke. I mean this is absurd!

 

I think you had several opportunities, from she first suggested it, to say no and to stop this whole thing. I think you did want to be seduced though frankly...

[bentnotbroken]

Woah woah woah wait a min, first things first, I didn't want this to happen. I didn't plan it or expect it. We've been friends for almost a decade ! Nothing ever happened and we just became normal friends. We hung out regularly for two years and she never once gave hints that she wanted this. She was just like a regular friend ! She heard I quit hanging out with my old friends who she always hated and we'd some times go shoot pool or go to the movies or have lunch together, I even baby sat her kid a couple of times so she could take beauty school classes at night. I can honestly say things were strictly platonic between us.

 

For the record, I'm not smooth and suave like other guys, I'm socially awkward and according to some a bit of a dork, I'm kind of weird looking too, I'm short and even though I'm barely 30 I have a little kid face, I still get ID'd for smokes and booze. My co workers nicknamed me McLovin, to give you an idea of how geeky I am to girls. Women don't typically want me or desire guys like me, I've NEVER, and I mean NEVER had a girl get like this with me before. Girls just don't see me like that, so that's why this whole situation is weird to me. Oh yeah and by the way Radu, technically she was able to over power me because she's taller than me ok ? I'm 5'6 she's around six feet tall, I mean what the hell ? Women don't like small guys, they like tall musclehead types. Think about it, when do you ever see a couple where the woman is way taller than the man ? There aren't any !!! There are alot of guys around here who are bigger and probably better looking than me, why would she choose me over them ?

 

And last but not least, for the record, I do actually feel bad about this. I mean I'm not like other guys, other guys would be all bragging about this and stuff, but I am a human being, I have a heart, I've been dating a woman that I actually like and who seems to like me, and I feel bad. I mean technically we aren't an official couple but I've always had an extreme dislike for players and maybe I'm wrong but I think this situation makes me one. I guess the downside of not being smooth is you dont have the kind of experience in these things as other men your age, then when this kind of thing happens it's just like one major mind fornication. So, yeah.

 

 

Did you tell yourself Woah? Nope. What does being smooth have to do with doing the right thing? I am a tad bit confused what your looks, body type or anything else had to do with you NOT saying NO!

[TG4MJ]

I agree.

 

I don't see the taken advantage of.

 

First off...why would anyone allow their married ex to come to their house to drink and get high? Isn't that obvious that it's a bad idea and that that situation could lead to poor judgment and boundary crossing. As a married woman, even as a woman who just has a boyfriend, there is NO WAY, I'm going to hang out with some other man at his home and watch "movies" and drink and smoke. I mean this is absurd!

 

I think you had several opportunities, from she first suggested it, to say no and to stop this whole thing. I think you did want to be seduced though frankly...

 

Um, the reason I didn't think of it is because we hang out all the time ! We go shoot pool and have a few beers every once in a while and we occasionally go catch a movie. We were just like regular friends. You ask me why I allowed it to get this far, well maybe it's because I've never had a woman throw herself at me like this, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that you all think I'm such a slick little guy that I convinced her to sleep with me, but that's simply not the case, think about it, y'all seem to be some pretty logical minded people, how can I know how to properly handle a situation I've never been in ? How can I know how to handle a woman who was throwing herself at me when women don't, throw themselves at me ? Oh and I don't know if this means anything but she sent me a txt earlier today asking me if I'm mad at her, which I didn't understand. I still haven't responded because I don't know how to answer it.

[bentnotbroken]

Um, the reason I didn't think of it is because we hang out all the time ! We go shoot pool and have a few beers every once in a while and we occasionally go catch a movie. We were just like regular friends. You ask me why I allowed it to get this far, well maybe it's because I've never had a woman throw herself at me like this, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that you all think I'm such a slick little guy that I convinced her to sleep with me, but that's simply not the case, think about it, y'all seem to be some pretty logical minded people, how can I know how to properly handle a situation I've never been in ? How can I know how to handle a woman who was throwing herself at me when women don't, throw themselves at me ? Oh and I don't know if this means anything but she sent me a txt earlier today asking me if I'm mad at her, which I didn't understand. I still haven't responded because I don't know how to answer it.

 

 

Slick isn't the word that most are thinking of.

[awkward]

Did you use a condom?

[MissBee]

Um, the reason I didn't think of it is because we hang out all the time ! We go shoot pool and have a few beers every once in a while and we occasionally go catch a movie. We were just like regular friends. You ask me why I allowed it to get this far, well maybe it's because I've never had a woman throw herself at me like this, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that you all think I'm such a slick little guy that I convinced her to sleep with me, but that's simply not the case, think about it, y'all seem to be some pretty logical minded people, how can I know how to properly handle a situation I've never been in ? How can I know how to handle a woman who was throwing herself at me when women don't, throw themselves at me ? Oh and I don't know if this means anything but she sent me a txt earlier today asking me if I'm mad at her, which I didn't understand. I still haven't responded because I don't know how to answer it.

 

You guys have an inappropriate relationship.

 

Do you think it is normal for married people to be going to the movies alone and hanging out with friends of the opposite sex on their bed while drinking and getting high? Even if women don't come on to you...this is common sense that it's inappropriate. If you had a wife and she was doing this, would you not think it strange?

 

OP I don't know if you're serious...but if you're not 10 years old, if a woman you don't want is throwing herself at you, you get up and make an excuse and tell her to leave. You have admitted you guys were exes and you've wanted her all along and she you, so the premise that she took advantage of you seems asinine . You guys have had an inappropriate relationship for a long time and that night you consummated it, with little fighting it on your part. So just admit it.

[thomasb]

never mind!

Edited December 29, 2012 by thomasb

[BrokenPrincess]

Do you think it is normal for married people to be going to the movies alone and hanging out with friends of the opposite sex on their bed while drinking and getting high? Even if women don't come on to you...this is common sense that it's inappropriate. If you had a wife and she was doing this, would you not think it strange?.

 

^^^^ Seems obvious but guess it needed to be said

 

why is this thread making me laugh so hard?

[ThatJustHappened]

Um, the reason I didn't think of it is because we hang out all the time ! We go shoot pool and have a few beers every once in a while and we occasionally go catch a movie. We were just like regular friends. You ask me why I allowed it to get this far, well maybe it's because I've never had a woman throw herself at me like this, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm flattered that you all think I'm such a slick little guy that I convinced her to sleep with me, but that's simply not the case, think about it, y'all seem to be some pretty logical minded people, how can I know how to properly handle a situation I've never been in ? How can I know how to handle a woman who was throwing herself at me when women don't, throw themselves at me ? Oh and I don't know if this means anything but she sent me a txt earlier today asking me if I'm mad at her, which I didn't understand. I still haven't responded because I don't know how to answer it.

 

Nobody thinks you're slick. We think you're weak for not resisting her and pathetic for not owning up to your role in this and shunting all the blame off onto her for 'taking advantage of you', and obnoxious for rationalizing by blaming your lack of experience. But slick? No, definitely not.

 

You ask how you can handle a situation you've never been in..that's ridiculous. Every experience is new the first time it happens to you..you once had to walk for the first time and you obviously handled that just fine. You had to go to school for the first time, and have sex for the first time, etc etc etc. You didn't bang someone else's wife during those first time experiences, did you?

 

Unless she raped you, you were not, I repeat NOT, taken advantage of. You made a huge mistake and now you need to rectify it. I would suggest apologizing to her husband directly..and to your girlfriend as well.

[TaraMaiden]

This is the giveaway, see...?

 

we just went ahead succumbed to almost a decades worth of secretly longing for each other.

 

Which means you were compliant AND complicit. You played a part, and you played it willingly.

If you did any hip thrusting, I trust you did that on your own, and she wasn't holding a gun to your temple?

[HonestNeurotic]

I've had many times where I went out with someone of the opposite sex while I was married or before we were married just living together. My husband as well. In fact, when I can't make a date I planned with one of my girlfriends, I send my husband along by himself. I've even slept all night in a bed with a guy and nothing happened.

 

Yes, I am having an affair. With a married man. Outside of any circle of people that we know. I sought it out. A sexual affair. But I made damn sure that it was with someone that was not at all within the circle of people that that we know. Though I am going to have to end it if the dude continues on this "I am falling in love with you" routine.

 

Granted, a lot of my male friends are gay. And maybe I am naive. But I don't think so. My male friends that I have gone on platonic dates with and I have had conversations on this subject. There are some things that I like to do that my husband does not and so it's okay with him that I go and do these things with other guys. Like boating. Or whatever. Sometimes I spend the night. And nothing at all "inappropriate" happens. Never has anyone even TRIED to do anything with me. I sincerely do not understand why that is a problem. i.e., why can't men and women just be good platonic friends? I can. In fact, when any of my male friends come to the town where I live, (I never really made a lot of friends when I moved here) we meet up for dinner or drinks and usually end up in their hotel room talking the night away. I smoke ganja, and we'll do that as well. And sometimes my husband goes with me. But whether he is there or not, it would be the same.

 

Maybe one of those guys has been wanting to jump my bones, but I would never do that. Because they are my FRIENDS. I've had lovers that have become friends - but never the other way around. I have more male friends than female. Most are the geeky nerdy guys. Cuz I am more into science and philosophy and art and intellectual conversations. ANd while women are certainly as smart as men, I find that most women only want to talk about shopping and their kids and not new ideas. Which is fine, it's just not me.

 

All that to say that hey - I DO think that it's perfectly normal for platonic male/female friendships to exist. If it's not - then carry that thought patter further - and gay guys must not be able to have platonic friendships with males, nor lesbians with females.

[MissBee]

I've had many times where I went out with someone of the opposite sex while I was married or before we were married just living together. My husband as well. In fact, when I can't make a date I planned with one of my girlfriends, I send my husband along by himself. I've even slept all night in a bed with a guy and nothing happened.

 

Yes, I am having an affair. With a married man. Outside of any circle of people that we know. I sought it out. A sexual affair. But I made damn sure that it was with someone that was not at all within the circle of people that that we know. Though I am going to have to end it if the dude continues on this "I am falling in love with you" routine.

 

Granted, a lot of my male friends are gay. And maybe I am naive. But I don't think so. My male friends that I have gone on platonic dates with and I have had conversations on this subject. There are some things that I like to do that my husband does not and so it's okay with him that I go and do these things with other guys. Like boating. Or whatever. Sometimes I spend the night. And nothing at all "inappropriate" happens. Never has anyone even TRIED to do anything with me. I sincerely do not understand why that is a problem. i.e., why can't men and women just be good platonic friends? I can. In fact, when any of my male friends come to the town where I live, (I never really made a lot of friends when I moved here) we meet up for dinner or drinks and usually end up in their hotel room talking the night away. I smoke ganja, and we'll do that as well. And sometimes my husband goes with me. But whether he is there or not, it would be the same.

 

Maybe one of those guys has been wanting to jump my bones, but I would never do that. Because they are my FRIENDS. I've had lovers that have become friends - but never the other way around. I have more male friends than female. Most are the geeky nerdy guys. Cuz I am more into science and philosophy and art and intellectual conversations. ANd while women are certainly as smart as men, I find that most women only want to talk about shopping and their kids and not new ideas. Which is fine, it's just not me.

 

All that to say that hey - I DO think that it's perfectly normal for platonic male/female friendships to exist. If it's not - then carry that thought patter further - and gay guys must not be able to have platonic friendships with males, nor lesbians with females.

 

 

I'm not sure what this has to do with anything.

 

Nowhere did anyone say men and women can't be friends. That's not the issue in this thread.

 

As my mom says, "shun the devil and he will flee from you". We're all humans, we can be attracted to other people when married, adding liquor and drugs and being alone doesn't help. Wouldn't you agree? It most often leads to people doing foolish things and jeopardizing their relationship. The reason lots of people "just happen" to get into affairs is because of a lack of boundaries. They have no concept or refuse to apply any concept of drawing a line in the sand and saying this is appropriate/smart to do and this is not. Boundaries aren't a bad thing, they exist for a reason and people who don't have any, usually end up in a big mess.

 

Idk about you...but when I'm in a relationship that is exclusive, I protect that and try to stay above reproach. I am not going to be going to some male friend's house to lay on his bed and drink and smoke. I'm sorry...but if you think that is appropriate and isn't flirting with "danger", so to speak, then I don't know what to say. The issue again is not about if friendships can exist between married people and people of the opposite sex. Ofcourse they can, but within reason and within healthy boundaries. Example: if I have a male friend who is single and when I'm single we normally call each other at 1am to chit chat, when I have a boyfriend, I refrain from doing that. Likewise, if my male friend gets a gf, I respect that and I realize it may be awkward and inappropriate and cause friction if I call him at any time of night and day. When you're single you do things a certain way and when you're in a relationship, you have to alter things a bit. Again, you're human and if you choose monogamy, it's foolish to believe it just happens naturally. It happens naturally for some to an extent but you also have to make CHOICES every single day to keep it that way and to prevent things from "just happening". I'm not saying that you can completely affair proof your relationship, but it stands to reason that if a married couple consciously chooses not to lay in bed with opposite sex friends and get high and drink and have some kind of line they draw in the sand between what is appropriate/inappropriate in their friendships, they'll fare a lot better than a married couple where the couple has no kind of boundary and constantly places themselves in compromising situations.

Edited December 29, 2012 by MissBee

[HonestNeurotic]

Originally Posted by MissBee (Post 4480512)

Do you think it is normal for married people to be going to the movies alone and hanging out with friends of the opposite sex on their bed while drinking and getting high? Even if women don't come on to you...this is common sense that it's inappropriate. If you had a wife and she was doing this, would you not think it strange?.

 

 

 

That is why I posted my answer. Cuz I don't think that it's strange. I realize that MOST of the world is hung up on that - finds it strange.

 

I find it strange that the first thing someone says to me if I mention I went somewhere with a male friend is something to the effect of "your husband lets you do that?" HUH? Let's me? I just don't understand why people think that that is strange. I find it strange that most people's minds go to that - this "inappropriate". To me, it says that I live in an oversexed world and no wonder it's such a mess. Cuz to ME - If I meet a man or a woman or whomever in their home or in a restaurant - it's the same to me. The conversation will still be on topic about Derrida or politics or whatever it is that we are talking about. My guys friends that are married I know their wives and they know that I am odd and eccentric, and though they probably wouldn't believe it if their guy was with another woman, they know that I don't have any thoughts at all about jumping their dudes bones.

 

But mostly I answered cuz surely the dude could have stopped this from happening. I just felt that many of you posting here were being quite judgemental about men and women in the same room on a bed having some drinks or ganja and that meant that there HAD TO BE SEX GOING ON. It HAS to be wrong. I felt you all were chastising him a bit too much. I suppose that I'm not normal girl. In fact, I realize that I'm not. Sex and love are two different things to me completely.

[MissBee]

Originally Posted by MissBee (Post 4480512)

Do you think it is normal for married people to be going to the movies alone and hanging out with friends of the opposite sex on their bed while drinking and getting high? Even if women don't come on to you...this is common sense that it's inappropriate. If you had a wife and she was doing this, would you not think it strange?.

 

 

 

That is why I posted my answer. Cuz I don't think that it's strange. I realize that MOST of the world is hung up on that - finds it strange.

 

I find it strange that the first thing someone says to me if I mention I went somewhere with a male friend is something to the effect of "your husband lets you do that?" HUH? Let's me? I just don't understand why people think that that is strange. I find it strange that most people's minds go to that - this "inappropriate". To me, it says that I live in an oversexed world and no wonder it's such a mess. Cuz to ME - If I meet a man or a woman or whomever in their home or in a restaurant - it's the same to me. The conversation will still be on topic about Derrida or politics or whatever it is that we are talking about. My guys friends that are married I know their wives and they know that I am odd and eccentric, and though they probably wouldn't believe it if their guy was with another woman, they know that I don't have any thoughts at all about jumping their dudes bones.

 

But mostly I answered cuz surely the dude could have stopped this from happening. I just felt that many of you posting here were being quite judgemental about men and women in the same room on a bed having some drinks or ganja and that meant that there HAD TO BE SEX GOING ON. It HAS to be wrong. I felt you all were chastising him a bit too much. I suppose that I'm not normal girl. In fact, I realize that I'm not. Sex and love are two different things to me completely.

 

 

I don't think anyone said sex HAS to be going on....

 

I said, when you put yourself in certain situations, drunk and high, naturally that weakens your boundaries and can jeopardize your relationships, so smart people concerned with preserving their relationship wouldn't put themselves in that situation.

 

This is really a basic fact. I don't think anything is arguable about the fact that drinking and smoking alters one's state of mind and makes one less inhibited.

 

You conduct yourself as you see fit Honest. You're entitled to that. For me, I am not going to be drinking and smoking in a married man's bed, as if I end up in a compromising situation, it takes no genius to see how one thing led to another. Unless in your mind you don't believe situations are created unequally and certain atmospheres and states of mind increase the likelihood of certain things occurring. I also believe this is a basic fact that certain behaviors and actions are more likely to lead to X than other situations. Certainly, more mistakes are made when people are drinking and smoking and on a bed with the opposite sex than if they are sober and in a group setting. No one is saying it is ALWAYS the case and that no one can do the former and be fine....of course, but generally it's a form of "flirting with danger".

[alexandria35]

I've had many times where I went out with someone of the opposite sex while I was married or before we were married just living together. My husband as well. In fact, when I can't make a date I planned with one of my girlfriends, I send my husband along by himself. I've even slept all night in a bed with a guy and nothing happened.

 

Yes, I am having an affair. With a married man. Outside of any circle of people that we know. I sought it out. A sexual affair. But I made damn sure that it was with someone that was not at all within the circle of people that that we know. Though I am going to have to end it if the dude continues on this "I am falling in love with you" routine.

 

Granted, a lot of my male friends are gay. And maybe I am naive. But I don't think so. My male friends that I have gone on platonic dates with and I have had conversations on this subject. There are some things that I like to do that my husband does not and so it's okay with him that I go and do these things with other guys. Like boating. Or whatever. Sometimes I spend the night. And nothing at all "inappropriate" happens. Never has anyone even TRIED to do anything with me. I sincerely do not understand why that is a problem. i.e., why can't men and women just be good platonic friends? I can. In fact, when any of my male friends come to the town where I live, (I never really made a lot of friends when I moved here) we meet up for dinner or drinks and usually end up in their hotel room talking the night away. I smoke ganja, and we'll do that as well. And sometimes my husband goes with me. But whether he is there or not, it would be the same.

 

Maybe one of those guys has been wanting to jump my bones, but I would never do that. Because they are my FRIENDS. I've had lovers that have become friends - but never the other way around. I have more male friends than female. Most are the geeky nerdy guys. Cuz I am more into science and philosophy and art and intellectual conversations. ANd while women are certainly as smart as men, I find that most women only want to talk about shopping and their kids and not new ideas. Which is fine, it's just not me.

 

All that to say that hey - I DO think that it's perfectly normal for platonic male/female friendships to exist. If it's not - then carry that thought patter further - and gay guys must not be able to have platonic friendships with males, nor lesbians with females.

 

I get what you're saying because I used to think the same way in my younger days. I too had a great deal of male friends. My best friend was a guy and we used to do everything together. I told him my deepest darkest secrets and shared all of my fears hopes and dreams with him. I also used to hang out at his place all of the time and often would just spend the night there if it got late, sometimes even sharing the same bed. Nothing sexual ever occured between us and it wasn't even a thought in my mind. I had a long term boyfriend (father of my children) at the time and he knew all about my best friend and never batted an eye at our relationship. He was self absorbed and not interested in meeting my needs or being my friend. He liked having his freedom to party and do his own thing, sometimes I wouldn't hear from him for days, so he was happy that my friend kept me content and out of his way.

 

There is more than one kind of infidelity. Do you know anything about emotional affairs? I was getting my emotional needs met by my best friend because my boyfriend wasn't participating in an emotionally intimate relationship with me. The man I called my boyfriend and who I said I loved should have been the one hearing all of my secrets and hopes and fears, but because our relationship was lacking in all of those regards I turned to my friend for those things instead. The special relationship I had with my best friend wasn't a testament to the value of platonic relationships with the other sex so much as it was a testament to how poor of a relationship I was having with my boyfriend. My friend had other female friends who he would talk to and maybe meet for coffee from time to time but they weren't treating him like a full time companion or spending the evenings at his place because they had a companion in their partners and had no such need to get companionship from their male friends.

 

I'm like you in that I have never had a good male friend become a boyfriend or a lover, however I'm starting to question the wisdom of that. Perhaps a love relationship that started first as a caring friendship would be a healthier way to find a lifetime mate. Having a true friendship with our partners is essential to maintaining a longterm relationship so maybe it would be better to be friends first. Ahh...that sounds like a topic for another thread. In any case I do think that my significant other should also be my best friend. Of course no one person can meet another persons every need but the SO should be meeting the bulk of them, especially the need for emotional bonding.

 

Eventually I broke up with my sons father and got into new relationships. The next guy was flabbergasted by my relationship with my best male friend. He tolerated it but he also hated it and voiced his opinion on it repeatedly. Try as I might I couldn't see his side. I thought he was being ridiculous and controlling. We broke up for unrelated reasons and I fell deeply in love with my next partner. Somehow over the course of those two relationships I matured and came to understand why it wasn't okay for me to be spending nights with another man even if it wasn't sexual. It was hurtful and humilating to my boyfriend to have his gf out with another guy and I was giving intimate parts of myself to someone else when I should have been giving those things to my man only. I have come to believe that if I want a special meaningful relationship with someone then it has to be exclusive to the two of us. If I'm going around emotionally bonding with every guy I know then what is even the point of having a significant other. Why not just have friends and friends w/benefits?

 

Since you give yourself emotionally to your male friends and you give yourself sexually to your affair partner, I suspect you don't have much of a deep intimate connection to your husband which makes it not surprising that you don't give any value to your primary relationship or see the point in protecting it from outsiders. If your husband was the only man you had formed an emotional connection to, you might not be cheating on him now as you wouldn't have wanted to.

 

Oh and I lost my best guy friend when after 10 years of friendship he decided to have a melt down and declare his longtime love for me. Eventually he said he couldn't be my friend anymore because it hurt him to much to see me with other men. We had never even kissed or held hands but still my platonic relationship became complicated and had to end.