I cheated & feel terrible

[H1122]

3 years ago i cheated on my bf. we have been together almost 8 years. It was a one time thing with my sons father. He had gone to prision for 6 years and thats when i got with my bf who happened to be a friend of my ex. When my ex came home i had gone to pick up some of my sons things from his house and when he started to kiss me i didnt know what to do. I think i felt that i owed him this and we ended up having sex. Over the past 3 years my ex has been threatening to tell our secret, so i finally decided to tell my bf and now he is broken hearted and nothing i seem to say makes anything better. And we were supposed to get married this year but he dont want to now but says he thinks he wants to stay with me cause he loves me. He wont stop bringing it up& says he needs to know why. And i dont want to tell him that i felt i owed the other guy cause i think that would make it worse.

Ugg i dont know what to do. I feel terrible and have never cheated before or after. And we have a wonderful family and share a daughter now. I don't want him to leave and break our happy family over something that i am so ashamed of. I couldn't bear it if my kids knew i cheated.

The only thing that seems to help him is if he makes me feel so bad that i cry. He even said he's sorry that the only thing that makes him feel better is bringing me down. I really don't know where to go from here. I have carried guilt for 3 years and now its in my face everyday.

Edited December 28, 2012 by H1122
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[Angel Heart]

I wish I had the words to make you feel better.

We all make mistakes and have to live with the consequences. I just hope it works out for you in the end.

 

Let go of the guilt as much as you can, a mistake is not meant to torment you after a passage of time.

 

Take care of yourself, be good to yourself and remember, we all have to accept and move on. If it was meant to be, it will be when it comes to your relationship.

[nofool4u]

3 years ago i cheated on my bf. we have been together almost 8 years. It was a one time thing with my sons father. He had gone to prision for 6 years and thats when i got with my bf who happened to be a friend of my ex. When my ex came home i had gone to pick up some of my sons things from his house and when he started to kiss me i didnt know what to do.

 

Oh please. You knew what to do. You knew what the right thing to do was, and that was to push him away and say no.

 

The whole notion of "I didn't know what to do" or "I was confused" or "I don't know why I did it" is to deflect responsibility and ownership of your actions.

 

 

I think i felt that i owed him this and we ended up having sex.

 

Really? And you owe it to your bf to be faithful, but you didn't honor that did you?

 

 

Over the past 3 years my ex has been threatening to tell our secret, so i finally decided to tell my bf and now he is broken hearted and nothing i seem to say makes anything better. And we were supposed to get married this year but he dont want to now but says he thinks he wants to stay with me cause he loves me. He wont stop bringing it up

 

Of course not. Its a painful image that can't be shaken. Only way to shake it is to leave you and move on.

 

 

& says he needs to know why. And i dont want to tell him that i felt i owed the other guy cause i think that would make it worse.

 

Well that is a flimsy freakin' excuse. You owe your committed partner, not your ex-x-con.

 

 

Ugg i dont know what to do. I feel terrible and have never cheated before or after. And we have a wonderful family and share a daughter now. I don't want him to leave and break our happy family over something that i am so ashamed of. I couldn't bear it if my kids knew i cheated.

The only thing that seems to help him is if he makes me feel so bad that i cry. He even said he's sorry that the only thing that makes him feel better is bringing me down.

 

I know that all too well, and in my case after about a couple months of it, I didn't want that drama any longer.

 

Even if he seems to stop bringing you down and does end up marrying you, don't kid yourself. He will replay those mind movies of you screwing your X and it WILL eat away at him. So much that the likely outcome later on in life will be divorce.

 

 

I really don't know where to go from here. I have carried guilt for 3 years and now its in my face everyday.

 

As a man that was cheated on in his marriage, I'm not sure what to tell you here. I divorced my wife over it.

 

Only thing I can guess that would be expected is you never are in your X's presence without your bf.

 

Only thing other than that you can do is be completely transparent, honest, and don't get defensive when he decides to go off because remember, you did this to him.

[nofool4u]

I wish I had the words to make you feel better.

We all make mistakes and have to live with the consequences. I just hope it works out for you in the end.

 

Let go of the guilt as much as you can, a mistake is not meant to torment you after a passage of time.

 

Calling it a mistake is a mistake first off. Its not a mistake. She did it because she wanted to, and saying she owed it to he X, but not owing her bf fidelity is flimsy at best.

 

When one calls it a mistake its to downplay their actions. This also reduces the feeling of ownership in what she did. If she thinks it is a mistake, when it wasn't, then she won't take full ownership of what she did and might as well not waste her bf's time.

 

A mistake is leaving the toilet seat up, writing the wrong amount down in your checkbook, or accidentally turning down the wrong street.

 

Willingly having sex with someone else is not a mistake.

[Angel Heart]

Calling it a mistake is a mistake first off. Its not a mistake. She did it because she wanted to, and saying she owed it to he X, but not owing her bf fidelity is flimsy at best.

 

When one calls it a mistake its to downplay their actions. This also reduces the feeling of ownership in what she did. If she thinks it is a mistake, when it wasn't, then she won't take full ownership of what she did and might as well not waste her bf's time.

 

A mistake is leaving the toilet seat up, writing the wrong amount down in your checkbook, or accidentally turning down the wrong street.

 

Willingly having sex with someone else is not a mistake.

 

Man, you're a cold one; people make mistakes because we are human. Why are you so hard on her? Were you cheated on once too often or something?

[Toddbt12y1]

Cheating is far, far from a mistake. It's laughable that many people dumb down cheating as nothing more than a mistake. Mistake is not deliberately done, knowing the cause.

 

Anyhoo, it is up to your bf whether he will stay or work on this. Cheating is rather destructive and he could take years to recover. It will be hard work from here out. Expect his distrust and time limits -- it might eventually settle down...but you are making excuses...that's not good.

[Bryanp]

You need to tell him the truth that you felt you owed it to your ex. This is much better than telling our boyfriend that you don't know why. By telling him you don't know why would make him not want to marry you since he would never know feel certain you would not cheat again since you keep telling him you don't know why. You got into this mess by not being honest. It is time to be truthful now.

[Toddbt12y1]

Man, you're a cold one; people make mistakes because we are human. Why are you so hard on her? Were you cheated on once too often or something?

 

He isn't cold. He is being truthful. A mistake is unintentional. Say, spilling coffee on the floor. You weren't aware or intended to do this. You don't have to be cheated on to know what's a mistake or not. This has nothing to do with being human; not all humans cheat. Humans make mistakes, yes, but a mistake is not by choice.

 

When you know somethings wrong and do it still...that is no mistake

[nofool4u]

Man, you're a cold one; people make mistakes because we are human. Why are you so hard on her? Were you cheated on once too often or something?

 

Yes, people make mistakes.

 

Her cheating on her bf wasn't a mistake. It was a conscious action and decision to have sex behind her bfs back.

 

Yup, cheated on in the past and can tell you, it isn't a mistake. Call it a poor decision or character flaw that needs to be fixed. A mistake its not.

 

Why so hard on her? I more than likely represent what her bf is thinking. The sooner she understands what he is feeling, the better she can deal with his pain.

[nofool4u]

Cheating is far, far from a mistake. It's laughable that many people dumb down cheating as nothing more than a mistake.

 

Thats an excellent way to put it and my point exactly.

[H1122]

I never tried to dumb it down by saying it was a mistake. I take responsibility for what i did. And yes i felt i owed my ex something maybe because he was the father of my son, and yes i owed my bf faithfulness i know that also. I just dont know how to make my bf realize that i do love him and want to be with him forever. The saying once a cheater always isn't always true. But i don't want him to stay with me if it is going to make him miserable. But i dont think anything will ease his mind.

[H1122]

I would also like to mention that when we first got together he let another woman give him oral sex and i found about it years later. My reaction was ok it was before he thought our relationship would go anywhere and i know where he is every night.. with me.. So i let it go and never mentioned it again i actually forgot about it untill recently.. So nobody is perfect. To bad he couldn't put it in the past like i did. And even now i didn't bring it up because i didn't want him to think i was trying to justify what i did.

[Mina]

I would also like to mention that when we first got together he let another woman give him oral sex and i found about it years later. My reaction was ok it was before he thought our relationship would go anywhere and i know where he is every night.. with me.. So i let it go and never mentioned it again i actually forgot about it untill recently.. So nobody is perfect. To bad he couldn't put it in the past like i did. And even now i didn't bring it up because i didn't want him to think i was trying to justify what i did.

 

The above is a textbook example of trying to use a diversionary tactic to gain both sympathy and favor. "I did this, but he did this. And when he did this, I took the high road and forgave him." Now that you have received harsh criticism, you are trying to bring any amount of favor back to you.

 

So something that happened before the relationship was exclusive. It's not the same as cheating after being in a relationship for 5 years.

 

As much as I disagree with nofool4u regularly, I'm in full agreement with him here. Cheating isn't a mistake and you knew exactly what you did. And the only thing that you're sorry about is getting caught. You wouldn't have had to deal with this if your ex would have just kept his mouth shut. If it had been a concern to you, you would have brought it up before.

 

Even if he seems to stop bringing you down and does end up marrying you, don't kid yourself. He will replay those mind movies of you screwing your X and it WILL eat away at him. So much that the likely outcome later on in life will be divorce.

 

Bingo. And even in the event you two separate and deal with the custody of your daughter, down the road, she will find out.

 

I'd really like to say I'm sorry to hear about this, but like nofool4u, I've had a partner cheat on me, and so I give little sympathy. You've destroyed a part of your man's world, and chances to fix it are slim.

 

Welcome to LS, btw.

[H1122]

The above is a textbook example of trying to use a diversionary tactic to gain both sympathy and favor. "I did this, but he did this. And when he did this, I took the high road and forgave him." Now that you have received harsh criticism, you are trying to bring any amount of favor back to you.

 

So something that happened before the relationship was exclusive. It's not the same as cheating after being in a relationship for 5 years.

 

As much as I disagree with nofool4u regularly, I'm in full agreement with him here. Cheating isn't a mistake and you knew exactly what you did. And the only thing that you're sorry about is getting caught. You wouldn't have had to deal with this if your ex would have just kept his mouth shut. If it had been a concern to you, you would have brought it up before.

 

 

 

Bingo. And even in the event you two separate and deal with the custody of your daughter, down the road, she will find out.

 

I'd really like to say I'm sorry to hear about this, but like nofool4u, I've had a partner cheat on me, and so I give little sympathy. You've destroyed a part of your man's world, and chances to fix it are slim.

 

Welcome to LS, btw.

The relationship was exclusive to me at the time, i had no idea that it wasn't exclusive to him until later years. And i'm not trying to make excuses i'm simply stating I wish it could be forgiven in a similar manner as that situation i never once threw it in his face. And i still wont because i dont want him to think i am trying to justify what i did by bringing up old crap like that

[nofool4u]

I never tried to dumb it down by saying it was a mistake. I take responsibility for what i did. And yes i felt i owed my ex something maybe because he was the father of my son, and yes i owed my bf faithfulness i know that also. I just dont know how to make my bf realize that i do love him and want to be with him forever. The saying once a cheater always isn't always true.

 

Well if you can use the flimsy excuse that you owed your X something, then you can justify it every way to Sunday the next time you feel you owe something to someone other than your bf.

 

But maybe you can explain just why you owed your X sex?

 

 

But i don't want him to stay with me if it is going to make him miserable. But i dont think anything will ease his mind.

 

Honestly, I don't think so either. It may be if he decides to stay that he'll just bottle up his emotions and pack it in when the triggers hit him.

[nofool4u]

I would also like to mention that when we first got together he let another woman give him oral sex and i found about it years later. My reaction was ok it was before he thought our relationship would go anywhere and i know where he is every night.. with me.. So i let it go and never mentioned it again i actually forgot about it untill recently.. So nobody is perfect. To bad he couldn't put it in the past like i did. And even now i didn't bring it up because i didn't want him to think i was trying to justify what i did.

 

Well it sure looks like thats what you are trying to do. So if its not relevant to a justification, why bring it up? And I assume that if he wasn't sure your relationship would go anywhere that you both had no commitment? And I'm assuming by the time you gave your X sex that you were committed to bf?

[Darren Steez]

I've been cheated on and usually I'd tell the cheater to F* off and hit the road...but we all know life isn't like that, and people do make "mistakes" or simply are weak, get turned on and want to bang. Just being real.

 

But of it's a case of your man wants to bring you down to make himself feel good then it's no good for both of you, especially if there's children involved.

 

You both sit down and try to deal with it, your man has to stop being codependent and just stay with you for staying sake without trying to work towards some sort of self healing. If not then both of you let it go.

 

Cant really feel sorry for you, you cheated, this is the fall out, your man also cheated so maybe this was payback but then again you both stayed for the wrong reasons, now there are children involved. Sort yourselves out!

[H1122]

I've been cheated on and usually I'd tell the cheater to F* off and hit the road...but we all know life isn't like that, and people do make "mistakes" or simply are weak, get turned on and want to bang. Just being real.

 

But of it's a case of your man wants to bring you down to make himself feel good then it's no good for both of you, especially if there's children involved.

 

We have decided to try to make it work for the past couple of months & i have been open & honest on a daily basis it is brought up. He says he loves me but just doesn't understand how i could hurt him this way. I know what i did was wrong and have apologized profusely. At the time i cheated i told him that i felt insecure about myself, i felt bad about how things ended with my ex when he went to prison, i told him that when he came on to me & made me feel like i owed him closure that i felt pressured to give in. I told him i was sorry that i didn't just leave. I have given him full access to my phone email fb u name it.

Then last night he told me he wanted to ring in the new year making love to me, I thought finally we are making progress.. Then out of no where in the next sentence he says I should have f***ed your sister when i had the chance. I was horrified! So i asked him when he thought he might have had that chance, he told me they were close friends when her husband & I worked 3rd shift. We used to be neighbors back then.. So now i'm wondering if he is just trying to hurt me or if him and my sister had something going on back then

[H1122]

Needless to say we didn't ring in the new year making love he just rolled over and went to sleep, wile I laid there and wondered if he had feelings for my sister. He told me no he didn't but i have always been insecure when it comes to my sisters. They are physically more attractive than me i am an A cup they are C&D cups up top. I have a small butt and they have nice round booties. I have a nice face i think but i was premature bourn and never really developed any curves. So now i am just sitting here wondering whats next...should i call my sister and ask her? I think that just might start more trouble. I feel lost and things are out of control. I understand i caused this to begin with, but I really do want to fix things

[Toddbt12y1]

Why call your sisters? It sounds like you really are trying to dig up any information on whether or notthis man has cheated on you. Maybe bring him down to your level, so you can be somewhat jusitifed?

 

Eitherway, doing this will only push him further away. Do not use how you look as an excuse(and you are.) He obviously enjoyed how you looked...so there isn't no excuse there.

 

Be open. Honest about what you do and where you go. Expect him to be colder, less likely to be intimate...for a while. You will be bound by his time now.

[H1122]

I dont believe I'm trying to dig up dirt on him I dont think he has actually cheated on me other than th BJ he got before he thought we would go anywhere in our relationship. Maybe i come off as that in the written word. I guess I just dont understand why he would use my sister as a way to get to me. Maybe because he knows my insecurities in that department.

 

I have accepted that I am the one who caused our relationship to have problems. What I don't understand is how he can act so high and mighty like he has never done anything wrong. He has always been judgemental of ppl, and I feel like i accepted him for who he is with all his flaws. When he had a drug problem i helped him threw it. When he had depression i did my best to help him. I worked 3 jobs and did the best that I could for the family. I still work my butt off and I feel like I am the same person i have always been. The only thing that has changed is i cheated one time. And regret it. I have apoligized profusley. I guess I am just frusterated because I want to fix this.

[H1122]

Sorry if it sounds like I am making excuses, there is no excuse for cheating. I mearly wanted to point out that every person has flaws and no person is perfect. Let alone me.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

We have all done dumb **** in our lives. Nobody anywhere in the world can tell me otherwise. When we are at fault, we naturally try to find excuses to "better" the situation. At least you are acknowledging your actions and trying to save your relationship. However, don't feel the need to overcompensate. It's important for your b/f to see you for who you are and not merely for what you did. I think it may be best if you two did some type of professional counseling together.

 

Your husband may have been cheated on and has every damn right to be hurt but him constantly belittling you is not good for either of you. You're not a murderer or a rapist. What you did was, in my opinion, a mistake.

 

You're a woman and you know the difference between right and wrong. I'm not here to belittle you or make you feel like a saint. But just offering my two cents. ;-)

[Commando]

You owe it to your boyfriend to let him know that you cheated on him. I imagine he's not only taking care of you, but your kid as well. If he's willing to take care of you both, then the least you could do is tell him what happened. Any man with any shred of dignity would leave you. I know I would. I may sound harsh, but it is what it is.

[coffeebean201]

Sounds like you both love each other.

 

Sorry for the strong views of some on this forum - takes it from a discussion to a rant, and not very enjoyable for any of us.

 

Sounds like you are handling it just fine. I don't like that he is wanting to make you cry. I had an ex like that and he seriously enjoyed me being very very upset, and he contrived the situations.

 

Maybe tell him the whole truth about the situation. He doesn't stand in judgment of you. He is your partner. And either he is still wanting to be your partner or not.