"not now" on getting married

[angelsword]

I got told that while he loves me, it "dosn't feel right" to marry. dating 3 years, living together for 2. everything in common, get along great. same veiws. what the ***k is the problem?

 

We had some past money issues a year ago that almost ended our relationship. i was out of work and he needed help paying bills and assumed i didnt care. (which was untrue) he never talks about his feelings untill its a fight then he blurts them out like a bullet at me. We rarely fight but once a year there has been one huge fight. this time it was recently because i thought he was gunna propose and didn't. i got so upset my blood pressure rose high and i had to go to the ER.

 

He made some huge deal about getting "something expensive" and i knew he went to my favorite jewelry store. We have talked about marrage before and he says he does want to. So when i get a ring sized box for christmas with a jewerly stores name on it, what do you think i was expecting? It was earrings and that set off a 3 day crying spell. He admitted he knew i expected a ring and i feel like he was trying to buy me off with expensive earrings.

 

That turned into a fight and him saying "it doesn't feel right" and i couldn't get a reason why not other than "he feels pressured." i never bring it up!

 

I dont know what to do. Should i give it more time or wait around for something thats never going to happen? ive seen too many people i know wait for boyfriends who "needed more time" and it never happend. Is that just a cop out or a real reason?

 

When he says it dosnt feel right, it sounds like a huge "your not good enought to marry" its so hurtfull that im ready to do this, and have been, and he isn't. Im going to be 28 soon and i want kids. my fertility isnt great and i want to start trying before 30. ive explained this and he was on board. I didnt mean i wanted to wait untill im 30 to marry and try!

 

I dont know how men can just expect women to wait around untill there "ready"

[mammasita]

A mans marriage timeline is completely different from a womans.

 

Instead of wondering whether he will come around - you need to figure out if YOU are ok with marriage never happening with this man. If you are, then keep on truckin. If you aren't and want to take that next step in your life, then I have to say you should move on and find someone who wants the same as you.

 

Once you are at peace with the possibility of being with him without ever getting married, he might feel less pressured and end up proposing.

 

In any case, make this about YOU and what you want and not about him and worrying about his excuses.

[pink_sugar]

OP, I understand your reasoning to marry. You've been together 5 years and that's plenty to have a good idea of when or if he wants to marry you. You don't want to spend more time not knowing. Is there a reason your fertility isn't so good? Have you been told by a doctor? My brother's fiance thinks some of her health issues would make it hard for her to have kids by 30, but honestly it's an assumption and if any of her health issues impact her having kids...it will be regardless of age. Don't worry about being too old before trying to have kids. 30 is nothing.

[angelsword]

we have been together for 3. and i have POCS

[venusianx13]

Ouch... I feel for you, OP.

 

While your situation is a difficult one, I don't think it's hopeless. I think you owe yourself some quality time with your friends, close family members, and with yourself, doing things that make YOU happy. Make a statement to your boyfriend that the sun does not rise and set on him, and that you'll be okay (and HAPPY) no matter what he chooses to do. Perhaps it's time to plan a little getaway for just yourself or with a couple of friends or get involved in a spiritual pursuit or volunteer activity that takes you away for some time. It may end up being the wake-up call he needs, and may bring you the strength and clarity you need to make the best decision for yourself.

[KraftDinner]

Oh OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

He had previously said he wanted to get married and now doesn't want to. Ouch. Not trying to rub salt in the wounds but I'd feel the same way as you do about him pretty much saying you're 'not good enough' to marry.

 

The earrings were cruel, to be honest.

 

I think you need to face the fact that this man is not going to marry you. Like ever.

 

Men don't sympathize with women's fertility concerns, it seems. I could be wrong but that's how it seems. So the thing is, this timeline is not an issue for him.

 

I hate to generalize and I hate all the gender war BS on here so I'm not trying to spark anything, but it seems a lot of guys can string a woman along for years knowing full well she's 'not good enough to marry' but keeping her around because she's 'good enough for now.'

 

And to me, to string someone along like that, someone he claims to love, is the ultimate in cruelty and selfishness. Especially when fertility/age comes into play.

 

But yet I see it all the time. Cruel and selfish. Makes me sick.

 

OP, are you okay never getting married? I'd bet no.

 

You need to end this. But I know it's SO much easier said than done.

 

I'm sorry.

[angelsword]

thanks for your replys but why are you all calling me "OP" lol??

[KraftDinner]

thanks for your replys but why are you all calling me "OP" lol??

 

Because you are the Original Poster.

[Radu]

OP, Kraft made a good reply so i'm just going to add some stuff to it.

 

Oh OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

He had previously said he wanted to get married and now doesn't want to. Ouch. Not trying to rub salt in the wounds but I'd feel the same way as you do about him pretty much saying you're 'not good enough' to marry.

Guys are generally more ready to verbalise than women, so i would dig into this one.

Ask him why he feels this way now.

 

The earrings were cruel, to be honest.

Deffinitely, very cruel.

Especially since he suspected you were waiting for a marriage proposal.

I don't know how to tell you to investigate this.

But if he did not on purpose on a subconscious level, to hurt you ... you should dump his ass right away.

If he did it because he felt some anxiety and tried to buy you off, i think you should give him a shot.

 

Men don't sympathize with women's fertility concerns, it seems. I could be wrong but that's how it seems. So the thing is, this timeline is not an issue for him.

We really don't, and much of it is related to our biology.

I know what PCOS is [i know someone who has it], and even though i feel for that person and you my mind keeps telling me 'there are options' ... i know those options too.

 

I hate to generalize and I hate all the gender war BS on here so I'm not trying to spark anything, but it seems a lot of guys can string a woman along for years knowing full well she's 'not good enough to marry' but keeping her around because she's 'good enough for now.'

 

And to me, to string someone along like that, someone he claims to love, is the ultimate in cruelty and selfishness. Especially when fertility/age comes into play.

I think very few do it consciously ... they just rationalize it away.

Doesn't make it any less cruel.

 

But yet I see it all the time. Cruel and selfish. Makes me sick.

 

OP, are you okay never getting married? I'd bet no.

 

You need to end this. But I know it's SO much easier said than done.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Here's what i think OP.

I think you need to become a little selfish.

You two obviously have problems and i see them coming from 2 sources:

- his inability to communicate untill he is about to burst, something he needs to fix pronto

- your desire to have children above all else

 

The former can mean more of those blowouts.

The latter can mean depression for you.

 

I also think that you should set a hidden timetable for yourself and this relationship.

Say, 6months after NYE.

If by then these are not tackled in some meaningfull ways, i think you should cut your losses and go.

Even if you go now, you will need 1yr to get over this relationship and start a new one, and what guarantees that that one will be succesfull ?

[Million.to.1]

what is more important to you... getting married or starting a family?

 

Both can be expensive. I think alot of a mens fear about getting married and starting a family is to do with feeling the are not ready to be tied down and be the provider. They are scared of their lifestyle changing forever.

 

Maybe, if you do want to start a family soon, and he's on board with this as you said, do that.

Get married later. You don't HAVE to get married first.

 

If he doesn't want to anymore and wants to wait, then I would leave him as he is not interested in a real future with you, just the now.

Kraftdinner and Radu are right... Men operate on a different timelines and have no sympathy for yours.

 

It's a tough one though.... Who knows that the next guy won't do the same? He won't want to get in a relationship and get married 1 year later and start having babies straight away.... who would? Seems your timeline doesn't really give you many options.

[Radu]

Million, i was thinking of adding that to my earlier post ... i decided against it eventually because of the emotions [the difference between man an woman's timetable].

 

Basically men and women view marriage/baby thing differently.

 

Men go like this :

- woman, if she is the right one propose [if he wants marriage in the first place or still wants one] ... maybe kid later on

 

Women go like this :

- i need a man for baby, and i should be in marriage as it's the proper thing to do [read social remnant of days gone by, that basically give social security to the woman]

 

For women, the society [coming from biological imperatives] puts the 'have babies' as the dream.

Everything else is needed for either getting baby or giving security to baby.

For women the baby is a certainty in a way.

For men, the baby is never a certainty [10% of men are raising some other guy's baby without knowing], never a biological necesity [to the level that it is for a woman], and amongst ourselves ... we tell each other that when the baby comes, you get less sex, less attention and the woman tends to invest less in how she looks for you.

 

I'm not saying this to bring you down OP, or to make you forgive his behaviour [i already said above what i think of him], just to understand some of the variables that may be going through his head.

Edited December 29, 2012 by Radu

[Lauriebell82]

I'm very sorry, but I don't think he has an interest in marrying you. If he did, he would:

 

a) propose

b) tell he plans to do it and wants to suprise you

 

His responses have not indicated that he has any plans to propose in the near future. Getting you earings when he KNEW you were expecting a ring was very cruel.

 

Men who want to get married and/or want to marry their partner do not usually feel pressured because they love and want to marry them. Your boyfriend does not.

I am so sorry, but I think you should consider whether this man is the right one for you. He has had plenty of time to be ready (5 years!) I would never have a baby out of wedlock either, so don't settle for anything less!

Edited December 30, 2012 by Lauriebell82

[Lauriebell82]

Oh, something to add.

 

You have plenty of time to have a baby. Even if you do have fertility issues, planning to have babies around marriage is not a good idea IMO. You are just going to end up causing yourself more aggravation and pain. I'm not saying you need to have a baby without getting married, but unfortunately you are not going to be able to have any kind of a "target age" for having chilren unless you are either engaged and have planned this with fiance or actually married.

[samsungxoxo]

If I were you, I would have immediately dumped him after the ''earrings'' incident... actually I wouldn't even do cohabitation in the first place unless we're engaged and there is a set date along with invitations.

 

If he darn knew you were expecting a proposal and still gave you earrings.... wow what an insensitive jerk. Why couldn't he just left the relationship if he knew that's not what he wants? That's what a mature grown-up would have done instead of trying to get you to change your mind by giving you earrings on purpose. He did that on purpose, not by accident when he knew better that's not what you wanted.

He admitted he knew i expected a ring and i feel like he was trying to buy me off with expensive earrings.

Cruelty indeed.

 

I believe that if a man wants to marry the woman he claims to love, the woman wouldn't even have time to remind him... it would immediately registered in his brain and he would go out of his way (even go through broken glasses) to propose and do it without hesitation. That's what a man who is crazily in love to the point he says to himself ''I can't live without her, I want her forever'' does instead of keep avoiding the topic and freaking out like a child (that's a man that never wants to marry you...one that will waste more of your time, only to dump you when he finds someone else).

Edited December 30, 2012 by samsungxoxo

[Daniel V. Ross]

Just try to understand him first. Maybe he don't want to put himself in a situation where he is not ready yet.

[samsungxoxo]

Just A Poster, this happens ever since we're living in this suddenly changed society of ''cohabitation'' and many of us thinking that by doing that, it's a step towards marriage.

 

I'm old-fashioned on this one and will gladly refuse a man's ''Can we move in together'' invitation unless we're engaged with the date set up, know where it will happened and there are invitations. In other words, I'll move in when the real thing is happening not when ''Oh let's see how this goes, I don't know if you're on my same page''.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think the reason he isn't proposing is because they live together. He doesn't want to get married..at least not know. I doubt he'd be proposing if they WEREN'T living together. I think that some women don't want to move in for fear that the man will drag their feet..it's been my experience though, that it is not the case. I think both men AND woman use the whole "why buy the cow" thing as a justification and excuse why engagement/marriage isn't taking place.

 

Most of the married and/or engaged couples that I know have lived together prior to marriage..including myself. I lived with my husband for a year before he proposed. I don't believe it stopped him or slowed down the process. He wasn't ready to propose until he did. Living together married and living together unmarried are two seperate things IMO. Maybe not in day to day life, but most definately in the emotional connection.

 

OP, I really feel that living together isn't the problem. It's your boyfriend. He just doesn't want to get married. I'm so sorry.

[Nyla]

OP, you deserve better than a man who waffles and constantly criticizes you.

 

I don't agree that living together is the issue and I don't think cohabitation can never lead to marriage. If the couple agrees that they want to be married and a timeline, living in the same place will not stop that from happening.

 

My parents shacked up for a year before becoming husband and wife. They have been married nearly forty years. I was engaged to my husband within two months of moving in with him.

[Turtles]

Maybe he's afraid of the expense & drama associated with the wedding event itself? Have you ever discussed having a scaled-back, drama-free wedding, maybe a destination wedding with just the 2 of you or some close friends? Or if it is having a child that is the real priority discuss having a child, separate from the wedding? You don't necessarily have to be married to have a child... and from a commitment point of view it's definitely a stronger commitment than a legal "piece of paper".

 

But if he is really opposed to either then it means you have diverging goals!! If they are important to you (and it sounds like they are) you'll need to leave him and find someone else... making it clear from the start (or at least early in the relationship) that you are interested in having kids in the near future. You have a tight timeline but it doesn't make it impossible (my fiancee and I had a child relatively quickly because we both knew that is what we wanted and had a biological clock constraint)

 

What I would not do is either trick him into making you pregnant or pressure him into marrying you, because he'd be likely to resent you for it and leave you once things get a little rougher (as they are bound to be with a child to take care of)

[Keenly]

Don't know where all jumping on the man here... Maybe he sees what marriage does to people and he knows that more than half of all marriages end in divorce and he doesn't want that to happen to you.

 

You cried because he gave you earrings instead of a ring, and then you say he is trying to "buy you off" I think its rather odd that a woman can have such different reactions just based on the type of diamond they are receiving. Pressuring or attempting to force a man to marry you when he isn't 100% comfortable with you is a bad idea, and when you push him away with that, you are going to be quite sad when you are alone.

[Star Gazer]

I don't think the reason he isn't proposing is because they live together. He doesn't want to get married..at least not know. I doubt he'd be proposing if they WEREN'T living together. I think that some women don't want to move in for fear that the man will drag their feet..it's been my experience though, that it is not the case. I think both men AND woman use the whole "why buy the cow" thing as a justification and excuse why engagement/marriage isn't taking place.

 

Most of the married and/or engaged couples that I know have lived together prior to marriage..including myself. I lived with my husband for a year before he proposed. I don't believe it stopped him or slowed down the process. He wasn't ready to propose until he did. Living together married and living together unmarried are two seperate things IMO. Maybe not in day to day life, but most definately in the emotional connection.

 

OP, I really feel that living together isn't the problem. It's your boyfriend. He just doesn't want to get married. I'm so sorry.

 

There isn't much, if any, difference between what you experienced and what the OP did (if you go back and read your own threads). As such, I'm not sure it's fair to reach the conclusion you are.

[Lauriebell82]

There isn't much, if any, difference between what you experienced and what the OP did (if you go back and read your own threads). As such, I'm not sure it's fair to reach the conclusion you are.

 

Hi SG! The OP could read my old threads, maybe it would give her some hope. My husband never said it didnt feel right to marry me though so I dont think thats a very good sign.

[candie13]

The man you've lived with just told you he may not want to spend all of his life with you. That now, after spending the age of 25, 26 and 27 with him, he is just not sure about the future.

 

Fair enough for him, how do you feel about this?

- Is he the love of your life, do you love him enough now, to stay with him no matter what?

- Do you absolutely want to have his babies and no one else's?

- is he the one you see yourself getting old near, married or not?

 

If the answer to the above is yes, if you don't expect someone to love you back just as much as you love them, if your love is stronger than anything else, then you should not leave your relationship.

 

If you expect some level of reciprocity, you should leave now, because he's getting the better end of the deal.

 

Best of luck,

 

Candie

 

P.S. The stuff with the diamonds is no big deal, I don't think he was cruel, I believe he genuinely doesn't know what he wants. That is enough of information for you to process...

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think you should stop living with him. I am not against cohabitation, but this guy … what would be his incentive to marry? He is living married life without the commitment and risk; since he's not sure what he wants, this appears to suit him.

 

If he realizes that this is not going to continue, and he does love you and really want you in his life, he will propose to you. But you need to be prepared for the very real possibility that your relationship might end right there. If you are okay with going on like this maybe forever, stay.