I have been swept off my feet by a married man

[irishsam]

Do you?

[pteromom]

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Let's say he's telling the truth - he feels strongly for you. He wants to leave his wife and be with you. He has fallen madly in love with you.

 

OK.

 

Still - do you not think he felt the same way about his wife at one point? Do you not think he loved her enough to marry her?

 

And now that things are less than perfect, rather than fixing it or ending it, he's sniffing around your door, professing his love to you.

 

So even if what he's saying is true, you would still be choosing a man who runs and cheats when times get tough. Is that really what you want? How would you ever be able to trust him?

 

--

 

Back to reality, they ALL say that stuff. They all say they are leaving. They all say they haven't slept with their wives in months or years. They all say their wives are crazy or abusive or cheaters or no longer affectionate.

 

You can't really believe anything he says. After all, he started his relationship with you based on a lie, and you know for a fact, he is lying to his wife when he goes home to her. He's a liar, so why believe him when he says he loves you?

[MissBee]

He has told me is leaving her, if I wait for him or not.

 

He says all his friends and family want him to leave her as she can get very violent and once broke his nose.

 

He has also told me, I can speak to any of this friends as they will back this up.

 

Also he says, they have not slept together in months.

 

 

I am a very head strong woman, after nearly 20 year with one man, now i am separated.

 

I never really believed in love at first sight, and never believed that I would ever, ever fall for someone so quick.

 

What if he is being honest with me now...... what if he really has fallen head over heels for me.

 

He talks about my children and how we will be a family, he tells me I am the love of his life and that we were destined to be together.

 

I know this may sound hard to believe to some of you, but what if it is true?

 

I would never, never have dated him, if I knew he was married.

 

You've known this man less than two weeks! You shouldn't be this invested. I don't care how strong feelings are. OP, you've been with one man only, maybe that affects your experience, but as one who has dated around, I've felt strongly about several men early on and none of those situations panned out. I learned that no matter how "strong" feelings are...you have to use your head as well, as feelings can lead you astray! Taking it slow always works out better than jumping the gun. No matter how strong a feeling you have...you still have to look at facts and those feelings alone do not mean you know someone and can have a good relationship. It doesn't. But lots of people, esp MM looking for affairs, know that the good feelings are what reels people in, regardless of if it has any basis in reality, so will go above and beyond to sweep a woman off her feet. A woman who has her feet on the ground won't be that easily moved and will put the brakes on...then some, get swept away and it's perfect, as they can no longer apply any reason and can't see clearly to ask questions and notice the flags. A level-headed response to his advances would be suspicion...you should be very suspicious...again, it's only 2 weeks! You have no real investment in this man. A less reasoned response is to believe you're inlove and be prepared to wait for a man you've known 2 weeks.

 

 

You do know he's married and you're still dating him. I'd understand if you found out 2 months later, but you found out early on...so I'm not understanding what you mean you would never date him if you knew he was married. You do know he's married, it's not been a month and you're still dating him. What makes it okay that he lied about that and was on a dating site?

 

I think you're trying very hard to wish upon a star here, saying "what if" and "maybe". Could this be an epic love story? It could....but thus far it's not looking good. You met a married man who was on a dating site pretending to be single who in less than 2 weeks you guys are "inlove" and planning a future. The red flags abound. The stuff he is saying doesn't matter. Lots of people get off on such fantasies discussing their future kids and this and that that doesn't pan out. I really suggest you check out a site called Baggage Reclaim and read some of the articles....you will be shocked to see your situation spelled out! Then you'll see how not so romantic, predictable and problematic it is.

 

You're separated and seem to be looking for love....this man latched on and you've been "swept off your feet". I do believe your recent separated status might be leading you to be more vulnerable to this situation and hoping against hope it will work out. But, I'm sorry to say that it seems like the run of the mill situation and you're not the first woman who has fallen into this trap. I do hope you see it before it's too late. ALSO: if he claims you can speak to his friends and family, you should take him up on this offer and see how that pans out. If he starts making excuses once you try to follow up on this...please listen to that as a huge confirmation that he is bullshiiiting!

Edited December 28, 2012 by MissBee

[2sunny]

There's only one way to proceed with communicating with him ANY further:

 

Ask his wife's permission to date him!

[PeineDeCoeur]

He has created a lovely fantasy for you that is highly appealing ... but you should step back from the romantic love story you've bought into and try to protect yourself - be objective.

 

Don't see him in person. Take a big step back. Ask a lot of questions. Know what it is you'd be getting into. We FOW, we know where this is going, and how hard it is to pull yourself out.

 

There are good, single men out there. This one will only bring you drama and heartache.

[2sunny]

How did you find out he was married?

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the honest advice ladies...

 

 

I will be keeping you up to date..

 

and let you know what happens

 

 

 

I hope you come back telling us that you kicked his ass to the curb. If you choose to go out with him again, it's all on you. You know what's what now.

[alexandria35]

Even if this knobhead wasn't married, you have glaring red flags, men who move that fast, have, GULP, big issues. They can't live without "someone". They are needy and insecure, they are jealous and crazy or abusive. Take your pick, hell it could be all the above.

 

Seriously, it is a DANGER sign, even if he were single.

 

Very much agree. Even if this creepy guy believes his own nonsense about being in love, not being able to live without the OP, being soul mates and what have you, it still doesn't sound like love, it's sounds like some sort of needy desperation. Time to get off fantasy island and come back to earth.

[Trimmer]

don't forget I only met him a couple of weeks ago, and we have only kissed!!!!

I'm not forgetting that - I'm afraid that you seem to be forgetting it! Because if you really thought about it, it would be setting off alarm bells in your head.

 

Do this:

Say goodbye and tell him to call you when he is divorced.

If, by chance, he really is some kind of decent guy, then why wouldn't this be the obvious and "right" course of action to take?

 

And more directly to the point, if he is actually any kind of a decent guy, shouldn't this be the course of action he should want, too?

[irishsam]

OK I have made a decision...

 

After sitting here last night, drinking too much beer, chain smoking and crying..

 

I read all your comments..

 

 

Yes, maybe I am a dreamer, but I think all of us have to believe in a special love, something that hits you with such force that your life is changed forever. That put aside,

 

I have decided to give him 3 choices, and he has 1 week to do it...

 

 

1. I want to see a draft or 1st copy of the start of divorce proceedings from his lawyer.

 

2. He introduces me to his parents, who I believe are very unhappy with him staying with his wife. Therefore they can back up his story of her being abusive.

 

3. I tell his wife myself.......

 

 

I am going to give him these options today when we talk,

 

if he does not choose any of them, then he will have proved to me that he could never be trusted and then... I will tell his wife!!

 

I have his address, her name and where she works, i also know her FB page.

 

 

If he is lying to her as much as he is lying to me, then the truth has to come out and she deserves to know what he is saying about her. If it is lies, what he is saying about her, then she deserves better and should kick him out a.s.a.p !!!

[irishsam]

don't forget i have many texts, messages and photos from him, all stating his love and adoration for me...

 

his wife might like to see those too..

[ComingInHot]

Irishsam;

PLEASE know that although his Wife should know what her husband is doing, she most definitely would NOT "like" to see anything out of the gate! Should it come down to informing her, do so w/tact and kindness. Allow her to decide whether or not she needs texts & pictures etc...

She will immediately blame whom she sees as the "intruder" of her marriage. Take it. If she allows you to share your side of the story, her feelings may change (which they should) to putting her anger on her WH.

Regardless of what kind of heart she has, remember, she does have a heart and it will most likely be broken.

With that said, stick to your guns and follow through to end up being true to yourself. Don't lose the good part of you in all of this*

[bentnotbroken]

don't forget i have many texts, messages and photos from him, all stating his love and adoration for me...

 

his wife might like to see those too..

 

 

She sure would. Skip all the rest. Parents will lie for their kids, divorce papers can be faked (on Dr. Phil yesterday) and liars lie. Go for the gold. Go to the wife and only the wife.

[bentnotbroken]

Crying??????:sick:

 

After knowing this guy for two weeks? It seems you are a bit needy and looking for external validation. IMO these are the folks that fall very hard right away. Balanced people not looking for external validation don't fall as hard as the two of you (regardless of his marital status). IN the world of balanced single people the words ILY come in much later in the ball game. The words about building a future together after just two weeks sounds like people that live in fantasy or la la land.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, we al knew that. You are indeed a dreamer and you are in Disneyland. You and MOM are very much alike and thrive on fantasy. Those with a huge desire of external validation are fully capable of hyperbole when in a relationship. When MOM says those things he is living a fantasy within the MOM/OW compartment. His words may be as real as yours within the compartment. That is why he sounds so convincing. However, the words fall apart outside the MOM/OW compartment. This is quite common in this forum and in real life.

 

 

 

Well duh!!!! He already lied to you BIG time. Most women would have instantly walk away, but your need is so strong so you accepted his gigantic lie.

 

If MOM has no kids divorce should be a piece of cake. The house excuse is BS. MOM owns 50% of the home no matter what.

 

Call his wife and tell her what is going on. If she is divorcing him and if they have not been intimate for years she will be OK with your call. But, understand that the no SEX for years is a very old worn out excuse that only gullible OWs accept.

 

Also understand that he probably had a few additional takers from the online dating service.

 

 

A tad bit off balance isn't she?

[BrokenPrincess]

If he is lying to her as much as he is lying to me, then the truth has to come out and she deserves to know what he is saying about her. If it is lies, what he is saying about her, then she deserves better and should kick him out a.s.a.p !!!

 

If he is lying to you so much, why do you want to be with him?? Is that "special love"?

 

This isn't a romance novel. Those are fiction, made-up stories for entertainment. But if you & MM both want to play in fantasy land and feed off each other, maybe it will work out. Well, until he meets his next lonely damsel in distress...

[MissBee]

I believe in special love...but special love doesn't come with crazy excuses and sketchiness.

 

All the people I know who have good and admirable relationships had their feet on the ground and their special love didn't come through drama and lies.

 

As others have said, and I'll reiterate, even if he were a single man...this whole thing is still a bit crazy and the only people who get caught up in two weeks are usually people desperate to be "in love" and create a whole fantasy that isn't sustainable or teenagers...it's ALWAYS a red flag. I don't believe you guys are an exception and add that he is married makes it even more insane.

 

In any case...whatever happens, this will be a lesson to you.

[waterwoman]

Wow! Yet another abusive hopeless wife. it really is a tragedy that as so many men are bamboozled into getting hitched to such nasty women <shakes head sadly>

[irishsam]

ok update, for anyone not believing in falling in love ..

 

He has told his wife it is over, and yes i have seen evidence of this.

 

He has told his family and friends about us.

 

We are planning our future together xx

[ThatJustHappened]

Nobody said they didn't believe in falling in love. We just said we don't believe a healthy relationship can start with gigantic lies.

[anne1707]

How can you see evidence of a conversation?

[HonestNeurotic]

There might be love at first sight. I dunno. I really don't

 

I do know that leaving one relationship and just immediately stepping into another doesn't work for 99.9% of lasting relationships.

 

Even if you were both single - people can hide their true nature and it takes at least 3 months before the flaws and character defects of the other person come into view. i.e., anybody can appear to be someone they are not. In the worse cases - you have your con men(women too) and grifters and abusers. Abusive people prey on the vulnerable. They want that person that they know will do anything to fill their insecurities. Conversely, co dependents often stay in abusive situations because they are going to save the other person.

 

Even in the best case scenarios - well, in the beginning of a new relationship we tend to put our very best foot forward so to speak. Not because we wish to be deceitful, but because we really want that person to see the best of us and we want to give the best of ourselves to them. You might get him - but I'd question whether a year from now you will be happy that you "won" him. Sounds like he was looking for a new home, and you just happened to fill the bill.

 

Not trying to be mean or judgemental. Just these are things that I have observed over the years with people.

[tami-chan]

I am 42 and he is 40.

I not naive but scared in case he could be the love of my life and I walk away ......

 

He could very well be the love of your life BUT he is married...life is a lot more simpler when there are no other commitments from all parties but to yourselves. You will spend a lot of time crying, being confused, etc...not a pretty picture. Drop him. The reason why he was on that dating site was because he knew he will meet someone vulnerable and right enough for what he wants-an affair.

[whichwayisup]

ok update, for anyone not believing in falling in love ..

 

He has told his wife it is over, and yes i have seen evidence of this.

 

He has told his family and friends about us.

 

We are planning our future together xx

 

Well, that was fast. He is leaving and divorcing his wife to be with you. And I guess you'll be instant step mom to his children as soon as the ink has dried on their D papers.

 

Don't know too many who start making plans this quickly. Good luck, you're going to need it. You do realize how unhealthy it is to end a marriage and re start so quickly with someone else, especially since you only know him in an affair setting, the affair dynamic. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't.. DO get couples therapy and family counseling BEFORE you all blend families and step kids in this situation. Just seems to have happened so quickly.

[bentnotbroken]

ok update, for anyone not believing in falling in love ..

 

He has told his wife it is over, and yes i have seen evidence of this.

 

He has told his family and friends about us.

 

We are planning our future together xx

 

 

So you spoke with her? What was her reaction? Girl...I bet she was shocked to say the least?

[ThatJustHappened]

I agree..this has to be a troll. I believe this story about as much as I believed my cousin when she said there was a bridge in Brooklyn she wanted to sell me at half price.