Urgent! Getting introduced to his friends

[d4commitment]

So guys, I'm fairly new here and I need some advice. I have exclusively had bad experiences with dating. I have thought I met the right guy (always turned out to be a douche) multiple times, and it never progressed past the "fun" stage. Now, however, I have been dating a guy that I genuinely (and for the first time in a long time) am infatuated with. I have built up this wall over time and he somehow found a way to break through it.

 

This guy and I have been dating for a little more than a month and we've had 6 dates all together. On the second date we talked about what we were looking for, and I made it clear that I was only looking for something serious, and he was the same. We have been talking/chatting every single day despite him not really being available. Our chats have naturally become less intence and fun all the time with time, but we still talk every day. Two days ago we had a "watch movies at home" date where one thing led to the other. So intimacy barrier is crossed.

 

He invited me along for a 4 day camping trip with him and his friends, which I am both excited and terrified about. But, I am a person with a ton of luggage and I am now terrified that something will go wrong. I am afraid he doesn't like me the way I like him.

 

All my friends got into relationships with their boyfriends by actually asking them if they wanted to take it further with them. Could I do the same towards the end of the camping trip? Can I say that I am interested in him and ask if he would like to take it further? I've had to make most of the moves so far, so I'm thinking it's up to me. But I'm afraid it's too soon and that I'll scare him away.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Could I do the same towards the end of the camping trip?

 

Do it before, otherwise you will be all up in your own head the whole trip. Plus, he's inviting you to meet and spend time with his friends--you don't do that with a chick you're just banging.

[d4commitment]

Do it before, otherwise you will be all up in your own head the whole trip. Plus, he's inviting you to meet and spend time with his friends--you don't do that with a chick you're just banging.

 

We're leaving tomorrow, so I won't get a chance to talk to him before we leave. He lives an hour away. And I am fully able to just go with the flow if I know I'm going to ask him about it eventually. But would the camping trip be a good opportunity?

[d4commitment]

The problem with asking him on the trip is that if he says no, or if he wants more time to think about it, then you're still stuck with him for the rest of the trip, and that could be incredibly awkward for you, him, and all his friends. I'm no expert, but from what you've said it seems unlikely that he'd say no. But still, do you want to risk that level of weirdness in that kind of situation?

 

IMO you'd do better to have that talk after you get home.

 

Thank you for the response. I was thinking about this as well. I would of course assess the situation before I asked anything at all. Him and I are sharing a tent, just the two of us, which gives me an opportunity to be alone with him. But I would definitely wait until the last night or so.

[Leegh]

I agree with the last sentence of your post, that it may be too soon and that you may scare him away. The only exception would be if he is an extremely quiet, shy type of guy. I would not talk about anything "heavy" on the trip, unless he brings it up first, then you can elaborate. Good Luck

[d4commitment]

I agree with the last sentence of your post, that it may be too soon and that you may scare him away. The only exception would be if he is an extremely quiet, shy type of guy. I would not talk about anything "heavy" on the trip, unless he brings it up first, then you can elaborate. Good Luck

 

He is not shy or quiet per se, but he doesn't seem comfortable making any moves on his own. E.g. I broke the touch barrier which in turn led him to hold my hand and put his arm around me while we watch movies. When we went to bed, I kissed his cheek, which made him kiss me deeply and then nuff said. So I feel like I have to make the moves. And I really do want a relationship with this guy, so I guess that's why I am so impatient. So I shouldn't bring it up?

[d4commitment]

Just go on the trip with no expectations. Have fun and see where it goes. Don't force anything. It seems that he's pretty passive, so initiate what you want to, but definitely wait until after the trip to bring up any heavy relationship questions or revealing expectations. Instead of worrying about what relationship mile marker you've reached, and what it all means, just spend time with somebody you like and build the connection.

 

Hope is great. Expectations screw everything up. In addition to expectations, so many want instant answers/clarity/understanding. Just relax and let it happen.

 

So I guess I'll take that as a 'No' then. It's just so hard for me, because guys seem to lose interest after a couple of dates, while this guy has stuck with me for a month. I'm just afraid I'll mess something up and he won't know how much I really like him and he'll end it before it gets to start. But, kind of off topic - DO YOU THINK HE LIKES ME?

[NoMagicBullet]

We have been talking/chatting every single day despite him not really being available.

 

I'm concerned when you say he's not available -- what do you mean exactly? If he's truly not available for a relationship, you're setting yourself up for a lot of misery by continuing to see him.

 

I agree with Barnacle-Bob: just go on the trip with no expectations. Although it seems that things are steadily progressing with this guy -- and that's a good sign -- it's still too early to tell what he's really like. You're still in the process of learning about each other. What kind of friends he has and how he acts around them can tell you a lot more about him; you may or may not like what you see. Look at it as a good opportunity to get to know more about him, his friends and what his life is like.

 

Infatuation... feels great, but it can make us do stupid stuff. (Myself included. ) Be careful of getting caught up in a fantasy of having a relationship with this guy, because you will be more likely to overlook his flaws or serious impediments to a relationship in favor of a fantasy fueling your emotions. Just a guess, but perhaps this has happened with some of the men you dated previously? I've had similar experiences, where I thought I met the "right" guy on more than one occasion, and he didn't turn out to be who I thought he was. But 95% of the time, I had constructed my own false picture of the man so he could fit into my fantasy relationship with him. I would have been much better off squashing the fantasy and taking a harder look at the real man -- and I would have realized that he wasn't the "right" man after all.

Edited December 30, 2012 by NoMagicBullet
spelling, grammar, verbosity

[d4commitment]

So, we went camping and I had a blast with him and his friends. We snuggled up a bit the first night and kissed a bit, so everything seemed to be swell. The second day he seemed distant and did nothing to include me with his friends, so I kind of wandered off alone. He followed and said he needed to talk to me. I hadn't brought anything up. I held his hand as we were walking alone and he said "Would you mind it if we went back to being just friends?". He explained why it had seemed like he wanted more from me and we are still friends, but the trip was awkward as hell. So, my New Year's resolution is to not fall in love. Actually - not to date at all. It's just NOT worth all the heart ache.

 

P.S.: By 'not available' I meant in terms of reception, him being busy travelling etc. I would never date a guy that dated a ton of other people.

[d4commitment]

So yeah, just because he introduces you to his friends (whom, might I add, you really got along with) doesn't mean he want's to take it further with you. He might just have friendzoned you in secret and wants to include you in his social circle.

[NoMagicBullet]

So yeah, just because he introduces you to his friends (whom, might I add, you really got along with) doesn't mean he want's to take it further with you. He might just have friendzoned you in secret and wants to include you in his social circle.

 

Oh man, I'm so sorry, d4committment. I don't think any of us here at LS would have guessed at that outcome.

 

But dang it, what the hell was he thinking inviting you along on a camping trip with his friends, snuggling & kissing the first night, and then saying the next day "Let's be friends?" That's a d-bag move, in my opinion, to get all affectionate with you with friends present -- whether they overtly knew or not -- then basically dump you the next day. Very d-bag move. He could have had the decency of waiting a day or two after the trip was over so you wouldn't have to try to put on a brave face in front of his friends. Me... I think I would have been so ticked off that I would have made it a point to express to his friends just what a jackass he was in doing that.

 

I'd say call it a friendly ending, but don't bother trying to actually be friends with this guy. Friendship is a crappy consolation prize in lieu of the relationship you would have liked to try for, and it's not worth the pain.

 

Um, I've got one more thing bugging me... his friends, how many each of males and females were there present? If there were females, does he have a history with any of them?

[d4commitment]

Yeah, I was stuck with them all for two more days after that with no reception or any way of getting back home. It kind of killed me inside.

 

There were mainly male friends there, girls he had known since childhood (they had clearly friendzoned eachother) and not to mention all of the girls there had their partner with them. We didn't cuddle openly at all, that happened when it was just the two of us. He's very anti-PDA.

He said he got screwed over by his ex and that after that he's had problems feeling things for someone. And that that's why he got all romantically involved with me - to force himself to feel something because he liked me as a person. But then again he felt that sex on the 6th date was too fast, something I didn't really agree with, but hell...

 

At least he ended up paying for all my costs related to the trip. I don't think I could drop him as a friend, he's ended up meaning a lot to me, and we get along really well.

 

All in all it gave me a great resolution for 2013 - never ever get hurt like that again. Just flick the switch off and live life for me, not for some guy (future or present).

[d4commitment]

How old are you guys?

 

Oh, and I am 21 and he is 25. Anyway, thank you guys for trying to help and guide me this entire way. I really appreciate it.

[NoMagicBullet]

Yeah, I was stuck with them all for two more days after that with no reception or any way of getting back home. It kind of killed me inside.

 

...

 

At least he ended up paying for all my costs related to the trip. I don't think I could drop him as a friend, he's ended up meaning a lot to me, and we get along really well.

 

All in all it gave me a great resolution for 2013 - never ever get hurt like that again. Just flick the switch off and live life for me, not for some guy (future or present).

 

Paying your costs was the least he could have done.

 

But you want to keep him as a friend? You say he's ended up meaning a lot to you? I call BS. You've been seeing this guy for a little more than a month, been on 6 dates plus the awful camping trip -- that's too short a time to really know someone well enough for him to "mean a lot" to you. I think you really want to hang around and see if you two can start something again after he's over his ex.

 

Can you honestly say that you will not feel the least bit hurt when he starts seriously dating another girl, and as his friend, you have to watch that, hear about it, support that decision? Perhaps watch him give her the PDAs you didn't get? (He may say he's anti-PDA, but it's not unusual for people to change their stance on things like that when they meet someone they're really into.) What about when she wants you gone, because she doesn't want any of his ex-lovers around? Or on the other hand, what do you tell a new guy you're interested in about this guy you thought might be your bf, but he didn't want that, so you settled for being friends instead?

 

You are not obliged to put yourself through misery in the name of "friendship" with someone who really didn't feel what he should have for you, yet carried on through 6 dates, slept with you (then only later says he thought it was too soon -- didn't stop it at the time, did he?), then invited you on a trip with his friends where he dumped you on the second day. That's some crappy baggage to carry into a friendship, and you're going to be the one carrying it, not him.

[d4commitment]

But you want to keep him as a friend? You say he's ended up meaning a lot to you? I call BS. You've been seeing this guy for a little more than a month, been on 6 dates plus the awful camping trip -- that's too short a time to really know someone well enough for him to "mean a lot" to you. I think you really want to hang around and see if you two can start something again after he's over his ex.

 

Well, I guess you're both right and wrong at the same time. I do want to stick around in case he gets over his ex. I know it's stupid and it probably won't ever happen. The thing is though that I have never met anyone with the same interests, hobbies and humor as me, even the same views on everything. He is the first guy who made me relaxed enough to be myself around him, and he said that the reason he wanted to like me so much was the exact same reason. I believe that there's something there, either a friendship or more. But again, I definitely see your point. I will not be able to deal him being with someone else and there is too much "history" there.

 

I think the smart thing is to meet him casually and just see how I feel about it. If I notice that it's too hard then I'll let the 'friendship' die out naturally. Yes?