common lines used by MM/MW

[april38]

After reading multiple posts from distraught OW/OM I’ve cometo notice a repetitive theme. The MM/MW seem to all use the same lines to getus hooked. I fell for it, and felt he was being completely genuine in everythinghe was saying, and maybe he really was, but why have so many of us heard theexact same thing? I’m composing a list of things that he told me that reallymade me feel we were meant for each other. Please feel free to add to the list,and comment on anything that you feel can help

 

In the beginning:

 

I wish I had met you firs

I wish I had my children with you and not her

You are my best friend, the only person I’ve everreally been able to talk to

Now I know what real love is, I never imagined thatlove could be so deep, so amazing

You are the love of my life, and I can’t live without you

We are connected on a spiritual level that transcendstime. We have probably been in love for lifetimes, we are twin souls (I know,it sounds cheesy on paper, but it worked :-/ )

 

 

About the wife:

 

She just doesn’t pay attention to me, or show meaffection. Sure I can have sex whenever I want with her, but she never reallyacted as if she’s in love with me

I just want her to run into my arms when she sees me,and she never has.

She’s always busy on the computer or doing who knows what, and I end up going to bed alone.

She always puts other people’s feelings before mine.

We don’t ever fight, but can’t seem to agree on anything.

 

 

When he decided to leave me:

 

I’m sorry, but what am I supposed to tell my children? Sorry, but daddy’s gotta go? If it wasn’t for them it would be a no brainer,but I can’t leave them.

It’s hard being with her now, knowing what it could be like if I was with you.

You will always be the love of my life, I will never stop loving you.

I want you to go find happiness, but I kind of hope you don’t meet someone else so that we can be together when my marriage falls apart.

I can’t hear love songs, or watch almost any movie without reminding me of you. I have to turn the radio off, or walk away from the movie because it’s so hard to listen to/watch.

 

When he went back to her, he told me that she asked if he still loved me, he said he started crying, she could see it in his eyes that heis in love with me.

 

I will add more later, but these are the things that Iremember right now. So what did they say to you that made your heart melt, was it similar?

Edited December 28, 2012 by april38

[Adamgem]

Every single thing you wrote - I heard! It is truly amazing how they all seem to use the same lines and that we all fall for them....

 

I have never experienced love before...

 

We were never in love - it was more of a business relationship

 

I can't leave my kids like that....

 

OMG - reading your list makes me realise how had I have been..... and he isn't even attractive. I must be so broken.

[beyond]

After reading multiple posts from distraught OW/OM I’ve cometo notice a repetitive theme. The MM/MW seem to all use the same lines to getus hooked. I fell for it, and felt he was being completely genuine in everythinghe was saying, and maybe he really was, but why have so many of us heard theexact same thing? I’m composing a list of things that he told me that reallymade me feel we were meant for each other. Please feel free to add to the list,and comment on anything that you feel can help

 

In the beginning:

 

I wish I had met you firs - The fact is he DID meet me first, years before so he couldn't really use that one - instead he always said he wished for a time machine so he could go back and realise what he had with me.

I wish I had my children with you and not her. Exactly the same - he finds family life a 'struggle' but knew it wouldn't be with me(!!!!)

You are my best friend, the only person I’ve everreally been able to talk to

Now I know what real love is, I never imagined thatlove could be so deep, so amazing

You are the love of my life, and I can’t live without you Ditto - although strangely he managed for many years to live without me!

We are connected on a spiritual level that transcendstime. We have probably been in love for lifetimes, we are twin souls (I know,it sounds cheesy on paper, but it worked :-/ ) Nope, that's a new one on me!

In all the years apart, I never stopped thinking of you and comparing you to everyone I ever met. No one ever came close to you.

 

 

 

 

About the wife:

 

She just doesn’t pay attention to me, or show meaffection. Sure I can have sex whenever I want with her, but she never reallyacted as if she’s in love with me This, nearly word for word, except he says he hardly ever has sex with her because he feels she is just going through the motions with no love or passion.

I just want her to run into my arms when she sees me,and she never has.

She’s always busy on the computer or doing who knows what, and I end up going to bed alone.

She always puts other people’s feelings before mine.

We don’t ever fight, but can’t seem to agree on anything.

She trapped me into having babies and then insisted on getting married. I made so many wrong decisions.

She never ever compliments me

She is mentally unstable

I wish I'd realised just how cold she was before we had children

She was only interested in sex when we were trying for children. I was just a sperm bank and source of money to her.

 

When he decided to leave me:

 

I’m sorry, but what am I supposed to tell my children? Sorry, but daddy’s gotta go? If it wasn’t for them it would be a no brainer,but I can’t leave them.

It’s hard being with her now, knowing what it could be like if I was with you.

You will always be the love of my life, I will never stop loving you.

I want you to go find happiness, but I kind of hope you don’t meet someone else so that we can be together when my marriage falls apart.

I can’t hear love songs, or watch almost any movie without reminding me of you. I have to turn the radio off, or walk away from the movie because it’s so hard to listen to/watch.

 

When he went back to her, he told me that she asked if he still loved me, he said he started crying, she could see it in his eyes that heis in love with me.

 

I will add more later, but these are the things that Iremember right now. So what did they say to you that made your heart melt, was it similar?

 

When I pushed it and said I wasn't going to be with him until he divorced (he's already said when we first met up again that he was leaving) he pulled ot the 'children card'. "You don't know what it's like to look at their little faces".

I am responsible for them and don't want to become a shadowy figures in their lives.

I don't want my children to come from a broken home.

Financially it's impossible for me to leave.

If I won the lottery tomorrow we could be together (erm, what about the children issue you said was the main reason?)

I will leave, just not yet.....

You just don't seem to understand the pressures I'm under

[egalew]

OMG. These are great. Let me add a few more:

 

We haven't had sex in 5 years. I sleep in the bedroom and she sleeps in the living room with the dog. (Please stop laughing. God's honest truth. They had this sick dog that they treated like a child.)

I was "sex-ed into the relationship / marriage."

We didn't have sex on the honeymoon. (Who in the f--- goes to Hawaii and doesn't get laid?)

The marriage is great, except we don't have sex. (Then it would come out that they never talk, he's downstairs/she's up, he hates/resents/disrepects her family.)

I love my wife, except we don't have sex.

I married her out of fear.

 

When she filed for divorce:

This has been a long time coming. She did what I didn't have the balls to do.

This marriage has been on the rocks for years.

I have to except the fact that I engineered the break up.

I married her at a bad time in my life. I had no money. Nothing.

I was grateful that she didn't want to go to marriage counseling and give it another try.

 

When he dumped me and contemplated going back to the wife:

I love my wife and we have a lot a things in common. (Huh?)

 

If your stomach hurts form laughing, I understand.

[whichwayisup]

OMG. These are great. Let me add a few more:

 

We haven't had sex in 5 years. I sleep in the bedroom and she sleeps in the living room with the dog. (Please stop laughing. God's honest truth. They had this sick dog that they treated like a child.)

I was "sex-ed into the relationship / marriage."

We didn't have sex on the honeymoon. (Who in the f--- goes to Hawaii and doesn't get laid?)

The marriage is great, except we don't have sex. (Then it would come out that they never talk, he's downstairs/she's up, he hates/resents/disrepects her family.)

I love my wife, except we don't have sex.

I married her out of fear.

 

When she filed for divorce:

This has been a long time coming. She did what I didn't have the balls to do.

This marriage has been on the rocks for years.

I have to except the fact that I engineered the break up.

I married her at a bad time in my life. I had no money. Nothing.

I was grateful that she didn't want to go to marriage counseling and give it another try.

 

When he dumped me and contemplated going back to the wife:

I love my wife and we have a lot a things in common. (Huh?)

 

If your stomach hurts form laughing, I understand.

 

Just shows when one is in that situation how closed minded they can be and how one lets their heart and emotions take over and rule out better judgement and reality. People see what they want to see and can convince themselves of anything if they want to.

[MissBee]

Just shows when one is in that situation how closed minded they can be and how one lets their heart and emotions take over and rule out better judgement and reality. People see what they want to see and can convince themselves of anything if they want to.

 

This is the truth!

 

I've done it myself and see people come here everyday with crazy stories that they KNOW make no sense, hence many end up here, as their own common sense and intuition isn't secure with what's happening, but that "hope" and ability to deny or convince one's self of anything is really powerful and scary.

[RedHead33]

Holly c*ap. I fell for a MM, I am married myself, we didn't have any physical contact whatsoever and he didn't say any of those thing above. I can't even imagine how messed I would be if he used any of excuses mentioned above. Wow!!!

[april38]

thank you for your posts. I was thinking about the similarities in what the MM/MW says to us to make us think we are the greatest thing that ever happened to them, and I think maybe they really do believe what they are saying when they say it. However just like any of us who are in an unhappy situation, we glamorize, and glorify the idea of getting out of it and starting a new relationship. However, when they realize just how painful it is going to be to make such a significant change, they rationalize their change of mind and leave us to return to their homes and marriages. At first I was thinking I was lied to, but now I'm not so sure. I can't imagine that we are so naive, and they are so mean spirited that they were pretending to feel love for us just to get affection and attention from us. Its just that when they start to see the big picture, they decide that we aren't worth the risk of losing what they already have. If I was in my exMM shoes, I might have come to the same conclusion. It's hard to say because I've never been in an 18 year marriage with 4 kids, poor communication, and financial issues (as he is in). But now having to live through this horribly painful experience, I can honestly say I will try like hell to never put anyone through what he has put me (and his wife) through.

[Minnie09]

Just a few:

 

1) I love you (after like 1.5 weeks).

2) You're so sexy.

3) I've never revealed this (xyz) to anybody. You are the only one I can share this with.

4) You're too good for me / too good to be true.

5) I've never felt like this with anybody else. Never had better sex.

6) I want to have kids with you.

7) I will love you and find you sexy even when you're 70.

 

1) I don't love her. I care deeply for her, but I don't love her.

2) She's so up my a** (duh, with a cheater like that.....no wonder).

3) I don't want to live alone (I wasn't ready to frickin' move in with him yet).

4) I don't like having sex with her. I don't even want to kiss her. I hate the way she kisses.

5) She's such a harda$$. She's hardly ever vulnerable (ugh).

6) I don't like the way she dresses / carries herself.

7) I've been giving her such a nice life. I don't want to ruin that for her (bahaha).

 

Of course I ended up married to the guy after she gave him the boot, and now we're D. Cheated on me also. Duh. Fed the same lines to another ow, roles reversed. Nice! Only someone like me can be that naive, stupid and retarded.

[Decorative]

thank you for your posts. I was thinking about the similarities in what the MM/MW says to us to make us think we are the greatest thing that ever happened to them, and I think maybe they really do believe what they are saying when they say it. However just like any of us who are in an unhappy situation, we glamorize, and glorify the idea of getting out of it and starting a new relationship. However, when they realize just how painful it is going to be to make such a significant change, they rationalize their change of mind and leave us to return to their homes and marriages. At first I was thinking I was lied to, but now I'm not so sure. I can't imagine that we are so naive, and they are so mean spirited that they were pretending to feel love for us just to get affection and attention from us. Its just that when they start to see the big picture, they decide that we aren't worth the risk of losing what they already have. If I was in my exMM shoes, I might have come to the same conclusion. It's hard to say because I've never been in an 18 year marriage with 4 kids, poor communication, and financial issues (as he is in). But now having to live through this horribly painful experience, I can honestly say I will try like hell to never put anyone through what he has put me (and his wife) through.

 

You actually don't know if he has financial issues or poor communication ( other than the lying to his wife about you).

 

That's the problem- you don't see the whole picture. Affair partners get hurt, too, because they get lied to and have their reality distorted to a degree, as well.

[april38]

Decorative - Without trying to sound defensive, I do know that there are financial and communication issues because both the MM and his wife have told me this. (Plus, the financial issues were pretty easy to find on google - bad credit and collections gallore) However it doesn't invalidate your point, my views are distorted by my own hurt ego and desires. You also remind me that I have a habit of defending him, and I really should stop it. I just don't want to hold onto my anger forever. My goal is to uncover truth, find understanding, give forgiveness, make peace with the situation, and learn some valuable lessons that will help me (and all of us) along my path.

[Decorative]

Decorative - Without trying to sound defensive, I do know that there are financial and communication issues because both the MM and his wife have told me this. (Plus, the financial issues were pretty easy to find on google - bad credit and collections gallore) However it doesn't invalidate your point, my views are distorted by my own hurt ego and desires. You also remind me that I have a habit of defending him, and I really should stop it. I just don't want to hold onto my anger forever. My goal is to uncover truth, find understanding, give forgiveness, make peace with the situation, and learn some valuable lessons that will help me (and all of us) along my path.

 

Okay. Good.

[LadyRecovery]

1. Our marriage (30+ yrs) is not going well and unsure what will happen. Being with you opened my eyes to what I am missing.

2. While I’m working in another state for a year, my wife stayed home to keep up the house and care for the dog. Our marriage is not good.

3. I never meant for this to happen, but I'm so glad it did. (Fall in love)

4. Let’s live in the moment, just for today and be together.

5. You are an amazing lover.

6. I have a wife and a girlfriend now. How did this happen? (cake eater)

7. I love you.

8. I don’t have sex with my wife. That’s not fair to you.

9. I assumed you knew I was married. (No wedding ring, lives alone in apt)

10. This is so wrong, but I can’t help my feelings for you.

11. You are the first affair I’ve ever had. You are so special to me. (Came out later had dozens before got sober.)

12. I wish I wasn’t married so we could be together.

13. We have a deep spiritual connection.

14. I’ve never been with such a passionate woman.

15. My wife has become more emotionally distant each year.

16. I won’t damage or leave my family UNTIL my daughter is married next year.

17. Our 15+ yr age difference doesn’t matter.

18. You don’t understand I have many responsibilities at home and can’t do anything YET.

19. Finding other women to have sex with is easy for me. I’m with you because I love you.

20. Who knows what the future holds?

21. You are so beautiful, on the inside and outside. The inside is what matters.

22. My generation believed in getting married and staying married. I never really questioned this until I met you.

23. I’m married and you are not. I’m afraid that even if I left for us to be together,you wouldn’t stay with me because you are such an incredible person.

24. You are an amazing woman.

25. The best part of my day is seeing you.

[watergirl12]

In my case, he really didn't have sex with her for many years, she is pretty much a cold fish.

 

He was practically virginal when I got him. There are things he never experienced that certainly should of been tried in 25 years of marriage.

 

And he has the opposite problem, she is compeltely codependant on him and won't leave him alone for a second. he can't even run to the store without her.

[buckeyeblue]

 

In my case, he really didn't have sex with her for many years, she is pretty

much a cold fish.

 

He was practically virginal when I got him. There are

things he never experienced that certainly should of been tried in 25 years of

marriage.

 

And he has the opposite problem, she is compeltely codependant

on him and won't leave him alone for a second. he can't even run to the store

without her.

 

And you know this because his lying, cheating ass told you or because you lived with them for 25 years??

[buckeyeblue]

 

At first I was thinking I was lied to, but now I'm not so sure. I can't

imagine that we are so naive, and they are so mean spirited that they were

pretending to feel love for us just to get affection and attention from us.

 

I don't necessarily think that all of the WSs are pretending. Some really DO love their OW. Some really DO love their wives. They are just incredibly selfish people and it's all about self-gratification for them. I sincerely hope, April, that you never allow yourself to be treated like this again.

[HonestNeurotic]

So many of these I hear from my MM. Though he does love his wife. The funny/strange thing is - I don't want an EA. He said he did not either when we started this. Now it's all these same phrases and I'm trying to convince him that it's just the dopamine. Or the newness. Because he doesn't HAVE to say these things for me to sleep with him. That's always been clear.

 

I think he feels this. i.e., he believes this. That he is in love with me. That I am the love of his life. These are a few that I will add to your list that have just come to fruition in the past two days -

 

1. I am his angel.

2. I am the only good thing in his life right now.

3. He thinks of me as his wife. He wants to buy me a ring.

4. He will never make love to anyone else ever again. Because I am his wife, in his heart.

 

It's all magical thinking. I wanted a PA only. This has been disconcerting to me, and hence, we will have to not see each other any longer. NC is easy as we haven't known each other that long, and I went out of my way to ensure that there were no six degrees of separation in our worlds. The sex is great - but I can't return love like that, I am not looking for an escape from my husband at all.

 

5. I've been searching for you all of my life.

 

uh - I think he enjoys the fact that I am independent and non traditional. I enjoy his company, I do. The sex is great, or I would not have continued after the first "I think I'm falling in love with you". I thought that would be a passing "thang". Cuz I told him he wasn't thinking right. He truly would not like me so much 24/7. I'm difficult to deal with.

 

The other thing to be wary of is the pedestal building. I surely was flattered, but it gets to be too high of a perch that he is placing me on. I have warned him that I will surely fall.

[HonestNeurotic]

Alice2012 sez:

 

He wants you to mirror it back. It's not about you, but about HIM getting adoration. He puts you on a pedestal because he's hoping you'll do the same for him.

 

That makes it easier to let him go. He's never said a disparaging thing about his wife, except that he misses the sex. There's lots of women that want that romance thang - so I am sure he's not going to take it badly and will find someone more suitable for his needs.

 

It seems to me - that there are just a lot of people that want that old feeling of being in love back in their lives.

[Decorative]

Alice2012 sez:

 

He wants you to mirror it back. It's not about you, but about HIM getting adoration. He puts you on a pedestal because he's hoping you'll do the same for him.

 

That makes it easier to let him go. He's never said a disparaging thing about his wife, except that he misses the sex. There's lots of women that want that romance thang - so I am sure he's not going to take it badly and will find someone more suitable for his needs.

 

It seems to me - that there are just a lot of people that want that old feeling of being in love back in their lives.

 

Helen Fisher gives a TED lecture on that chemical concoction - that romantic first meeting high. It's interesting, and explains a lot about affair behavior. It is quite literally like being drugged.

[Catplates]

I love you more than any other ever....

 

1 You are the best thing that EVER happened in my life. ( Oh dear, he's 70 now. What a bloody miserable existence he must have had).

 

2 I want you to know all about me.

 

3 I always dreamed of having a princess just for myself. I guess Prince Charles did too.

 

4 We are exactly the same.

 

5 I am sooo committed to my marriage!

 

6 I will never hurt my wife while there is breath in my body.

 

7 I can't live without you/I have all I need to be happy in my marriage.

 

8 I will always be there for you when you need me.

 

9 You will always be in my heart.

 

10 Can we still be friends, phone you, catch up, email?

 

Probably heaps more crap that I can't remember. I feel really dopey when I look at how ridiculous and corny these lines are.

 

Cat

[firstandlast]

Wow, I just have to cringe reading these. I've heard and used many of these myself. I cringe not because they're necessarily lies -- I can't speak to my xMOW, but I was sincere -- but how ridiculous they sound in the light of day. So ridiculous and so cliche.

[SecretFlower]

In the beginning:

 

"I can't believe I'm doing this...I'd never cheat on anyone."

"I'm just so confused."

"Isn't it enough that you know that I love you?"

"I don't want to hurt anyone."

"I wish I had met you first."

 

About his (then) wife:

 

"She doesn't understand me the way you do."

"She's so needy, it drives me crazy."

"I hate having sex with her."

"She's not as pretty as you."

 

When we broke up:

 

"You want more than I can give you."

"You never really wanted me to leave her."

"How can you expect me to leave my wife? I made vows!"

"I won't be with someone who can have an affair.*"

 

*Yeah, that one really hurt.

[promises]

4 We are exactly the same.

 

10 Can we still be friends, phone you, catch up, email?

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

[promises]

"I'm in love with you."

 

 

haha.

[RickFox]

I'm so in love with you BUT I still love my husband.

 

I've never felt such a connection with anyone like this, not even my husband.

 

I still care for you deeply (when it was over).

 

I'm probably making the biggest mistake of my life by letting you go (this one is my favorite).