sinner Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 I wonder if anyone wins in this situation.... The MM wins big time, bleu. He can play the loving dad and hubby on weekends and, during the week, become the viagra-fueled stud and ultra-romantic lover with his OW. The MM gains the social cachet and legitimacy that derives from marriage and great sex with his OW. He's a great guy and a great lay. The losers: the wife, the OW and the kids (to whom he is also unfaithful). In this triangle, the MM sits at the apex. Link to post Share on other sites
beautiful Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 Sinner ............I feel you got that wrong................the looser is not the one that stays home and is being cheated on..............the cheater is the looseer and the one loosing everything but most of all his/her selfrespect. How sad it must be to have to sneak around and live a life full of betrayal, mostly to oneself. People that cheat have an extreme low self esteem as well as some serious issues and are cowards. I have zero tolerance for anyone that cheats. ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiababy Posted August 21, 2004 Author Share Posted August 21, 2004 The MM wins big time, Sinner, somehow from your posts I never got the impression that you felt like you 'won'. Is that how you felt while you were still in the affair? Now there is a marked sadness and melancholy to your posts - for obvious reasons I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 He is not going to leave her. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 Perhaps at one time, beautiful, the loser was the cheater. But the latest anecdotes, studies and articles point out that cheaters , especially married women, are having a great time in the arms of their solicitous lovers. Something's blow'in in the wind. Check out the link below to a very recent Newsweek article about wives stepping out on their husbands and having a great time. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5359395/site/newsweek I still believe that the losers are the innocent spouse and the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 Originally posted by bleu6555 I've been reading these posts everyday trying to get advise because I'm in love with a married man and I almost forgot what it was like to be on the other side until today reading the things littleflowerpot and kiababy have been saying. I have two children and was unhappily married for ten years. I felt that if my children were to grow up heathly they deserved to observe two people completely in love and happily married ... we didn't have that so I left. Looking back now, maybe if I wasn't so selfish it might have worked ... I wasn't happy and yes he was cheating and I remember feeling like **** because of it but I deserved it. I didn't love him the way I should. So instead someone else did. So today, knowing what I know, I don't feel so guilty being with my married man (although we've never had sex) because I know from experience that he is seeking me because of something his wife doesn't give him. Ladies, we need to do what we need to do to keep our men at home. Just like they need to do what they need to do to keep us at home. It works both ways and I truly believe if both partners are in love and giving in the relationship this whole cheating business would be non-existant no matter what the sex drive on either side. how can you blame the woman for her man's bad behavior (cheating)? it's wrong to do that. maybe what his wife doesn't give him is something that NO woman could really give him. or maybe it's just that this one perfect woman doesn't really exist. and maybe you should consider that if you were the PERFECT one (and no one ever is) then he would leave her for you? and maybe you didn't read what i said about my first husband but i bent over backwards, sideways, and frontwards to try to be what that man wanted. the problem was his and not mine. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 Originally posted by Samson Actually I've said a lot about the subject, but in other threads................. And Sinner is right, MM do not easily give up their secrets. But I suppose I could speak for a close friend of mine, who has shared his thoughs on the subject: "Why doesn't he leave his wife....?" I'll try to be brief, but it is very accurate to say that we carefully weigh pro's and cons, and that emotional factors don't weigh very heavily. What we have to lose can amount to years, perhaps decades, of biting-the-bullet painful effort to remain married. Our emotions have erroded. We are exausted to the point of complete apathy, and whoever offers safe harbour, however shallow, seems a better alternative IF ALL OTHER FACTORS ARE EQUAL. Unhappily, there are always the externalities (health, money, kids). Samson, is this a confession....have you jumped on the "unfaithful train"?? To a point, I agree with Sinner....the loss is with the spouse and children while the affair is going on but once the affair is over....there is a certain amount loss for the cheater.....things that can not really be put to words and what makes it hard for the cheater to mourn is that the cheater feels like they deserve all the loss and misery they get (and justly deserve).....it's a vicious cycle...if you can someway avoid NEVER to go there....then don't!! Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 Originally posted by lovelost and he didn't, but the triangle was becoming more and more of a dangerous liasion. I realized something today - he doesn't care about me - he only wanted what he could get for as long as he can get it. When his girl found out about us it was becuase he finally admitted that we were having an affair. Then she began calling me, harassing me, making up IM names to hit me up online pretending it was him to get me to talk then to argue, emailing me and even approached me at work (me and him worked together). My rebut to her was that its not me she needs to argue with its her man. and that i am not the cause of their problems because if it wasnt me it would have been someone else. But the all time low was him calling me at work (he is now working elsewhere) and askng me to come downstairs and telling me that she was with him. Was he setting me up for a catfight or what?! I couldnt believe he would let her talk him into doing that. He did alert me that she was with him and she got upset that he did that and walked away, needless to say that i didn't go down to confront her, but i realized that he would do anything to spare his relationship even if it meant sacrificing me to his angry girl. with the exception that she never found out about me (other than i was his friend), what you said sound so much like how i feel now. he was a nice guy. i won't take that from him. and he never intended nor wanted to hurt me but that doesn't mean i didn't get hurt. now i feel i was just a crutch he used and enjoyed. i know the guilt tore him up about her because he always maintained she is wonderful and he loves her but i know with 100% certainty that he would and has sacrificed me to keep her from learning about what he did. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 Originally posted by sinner The MM wins big time, bleu. He can play the loving dad and hubby on weekends and, during the week, become the viagra-fueled stud and ultra-romantic lover with his OW. The MM gains the social cachet and legitimacy that derives from marriage and great sex with his OW. He's a great guy and a great lay. The losers: the wife, the OW and the kids (to whom he is also unfaithful). In this triangle, the MM sits at the apex. you are absolutely right and all we OW that really think we are winning because we are so in love are fooling ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 Originally posted by VivianLee Samson, is this a confession....have you jumped on the "unfaithful train"?? To a point, I agree with Sinner....the loss is with the spouse and children while the affair is going on but once the affair is over....there is a certain amount loss for the cheater.....things that can not really be put to words and what makes it hard for the cheater to mourn is that the cheater feels like they deserve all the loss and misery they get (and justly deserve).....it's a vicious cycle...if you can someway avoid NEVER to go there....then don't!! you acknowledged the loss to the spouse, the children AND the cheater but you never mentioned the OW/OM. do you not think they also suffer incredibly in many cases? Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 OM are usually more devastated. They just choose not to cry or scream. That is the only difference. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 Yes, after the party ends, and the party almost always ends, all the OM holds are the memories and the nagging "what if" question: What if my MW had left her spouse for me, what would it have been like? The bitter, some would say richly deserved, lesson is that the OM will never know. For the married OM or OW , especially those whose betrayal has been discovered, the affair's end frequently coincides with the marriage's end: The simultaneous loss of a spouse, family and lover. Just deserts, some would say. At the end, nothing and no one is left standing. A cautionary tale, if nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 The lesson for OW: You're dessert on your MM's life menu, not the main course.-Sinner Just desserts, some would say.-Sinner You are doing this on purpose, aren't you?? Quite an interesting little mix of metaphores you've got going on! Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 You are doing this on purpose, aren't you?? Language is all I have, Samson. Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted August 22, 2004 Share Posted August 22, 2004 Originally posted by Samson Actually I've said a lot about the subject, but in other threads................. And Sinner is right, MM do not easily give up their secrets. But I suppose I could speak for a close friend of mine, who has shared his thoughs on the subject: "Why doesn't he leave his wife....?" I'll try to be brief, but it is very accurate to say that we carefully weigh pro's and cons, and that emotional factors don't weigh very heavily. What we have to lose can amount to years, perhaps decades, of biting-the-bullet painful effort to remain married. Our emotions have erroded. We are exausted to the point of complete apathy, and whoever offers safe harbour, however shallow, seems a better alternative IF ALL OTHER FACTORS ARE EQUAL. Unhappily, there are always the externalities (health, money, kids). Hey Samson... What kind of pros vs. cons type weighing are you talking about, specifically? Can you guide us through a tutorial? Especially the "whoever offers safe harbour, however shallow...if all other factors are equal" bit. VERY interested to see what you have to say... Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted August 24, 2004 Share Posted August 24, 2004 Originally posted by littleflowerpot you acknowledged the loss to the spouse, the children AND the cheater but you never mentioned the OW/OM. do you not think they also suffer incredibly in many cases? I felt like that the "cheater" meant OW/OM in both cases maybe I should have pluralized cheater... Link to post Share on other sites
unloved Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 Hi I'm new here and I'm in love with a married man also. We've gotten close intimately but he has never said he loves me. He said if he were single it would be a different story. He also says he likes what he has and wouldn't trade it for anything. So if he feels like this, why be involved with me? Probably because they like the excitement! Has nothing to do with feelings. He talked about leaving her before he married her but didn't have the guts to do it and he said if it weren't for her little boy, it would never have lasted. I was married once and I know I would never had the nerve to end it for someone else. I would rather have had it done to me than do it to anyone. I've read the headlines and that is the most drastic way to get out of a marriage. People rush into marriage for fear of being alone. When they want out it's too hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts