Heather Posted November 15, 2000 Share Posted November 15, 2000 Hi everyone, I have a question. I am 18 (turning 19 in Feb.) and I have a 2yr old daughter and another child on the way (for those of you who don't know me). I am ready to marry the father of my children (hes 21). He is ready to get married to and no matter what everyone says here it will still happen, Im just curious. Is there any statistic for how long relationships between young people will last? I have heard alot of people say that oh you are young it won't last blah blah blah! I have also read people on here saying a 19 year old is not ready to settle down anyway. I know it is probably different because of the fact that we have kids together, but I have also known people that have gotten together at a young age have kids and don't stay together. We have been together for over 3 years now and are very much in love! We are ready to be a family and have already been through the worse! We have really grown up together over the years! Now my parents were older and had already been married before they met each other but, they only dated for 3 months and got married and have been together for 20 years in March! We have been together for 3 years and I feel that we will last but, why does everyone keep telling me I am too young? I think my children deserve to have parents that are married so we can be a real family! This is just a question out of curiousity (sp?) and like I said we have already decided to get married and that is what I am going to do no matter what! Sorry this is so long, Thanks Heather Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 15, 2000 Share Posted November 15, 2000 Different people mature at different rates. Don't judge your situation by any statistics. To be sure, marriages at any age have about a 50/50 chance in the United States, but this rate varies between countries, races, religions, socio-economic brackets, educational backgrounds, etc. There is absolutely no predictor of feelings whatsoever. People can get married at 14 and stay that way forever if the circumstances are right and they do the right things. I am assuming here you mean people who stay together and remain relatively happy. You sound like, at this point right now, you are very dedicated to this man and willing to remain with him forever. Not even you yourself, the captain of your ship, can predict what your feelings may be five, ten or 15 years. Chances are fair that if you were 35 and your guy went to jail, you would be angry, pissed, embarassed, etc. and send him cruising. Who knows? It was brave of you to ask the question but scientists have not yet even been able to compose a battery of tests that accurately measure the probabilities for success in or longevity of a particular marriage. And, to make matters worse, you ONLY control yourself and your feelings. Regardless of your own personal dedication, you have no control of how your partner may feel in the future, what direction he may grow, etc. This love stuff is a big gamble, babe, and you've just got to hang in there and do everything you can to keep it together. Take an inventory of your relationship. If there is caring, commitment, communication, shared goals, shared views about religion or respect for each other's religious views, a forgiving spirit, open-mindedness, shared views about money (how to make it, save it, spend it), shared views about children (how many, when, how to raise them), tolerance of each other's relatives, acceptance of day to day living habits, tolerance if one or the other becomes unemployed, a lack of pettiness in all aspects of life, a non judgemental attitude, etc. etc., between BOTH of you, you have an excellent chance of staying together. See how easy it is? A lot of the above will determine the level of happiness you feel in the marriage. In your case, I am terrified that you have placed so much significance in this man regarding your personal happiness. That is dangerous. Of course, the man you love should make you happy. But if you don't have lots of good things going apart and aside from your man, you are in mega trouble. When a woman is so dependent on a man for everything, he feels that pressure and it's uncomfortable for him. With building stresses, new problems and changing family and work situations over time, feelings can rapidly change. That's why it's so very important to maintain communications, NEVER to take each other for granted, NEVER to become complacent in the marriage, and talk to each other about your feelings as often and as soon as you need to. I think when two people start taking each other for granted, an it can so easily happen in long term relationships, that is the kiss of death. See how easy it is to keep a relationship going forever!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 15, 2000 Share Posted November 15, 2000 Forgot to mention sex...how could I do that? A lot of people get married expecting the virtual nuclear explosion of passion in the bedroom to continue forever. In most cases it doesn't. There are many couples who find sex, after a time, unfulfilling in the marital bedroom. Others even become sexually incompatible for many various reasons. There are so many factors that can cause this, you should probably find a good book on the subject. The recent rash of posts on LoveShack where coupled men are found by their mates to be preoccupied with porn on the internet is just one example of something that can cause serious sexual problems in a marriage. Many more couples, through great love and communication, are able to keep their sex lives together at acceptable levels of pleasure and intensity. But it does require a lot of work and most of the stuff I mentioned in my last post. Don't ever wait until it's too late to get help through counselling if things should start going wrong. I have learned from many psychologists that the number one reason for divorce is making unreasonable demands and having unreasonable expectations of the other person. It is always wrong to demand or expect anything of the other person. Most people are unable to train themselves in this area and go through their lives demanding and/or expecting that everyone behave they way they want or expect them to. Not good in marriage...or anywhere else in life for that matter. You have the added problem of getting through the first years of child raising and keeping your love solid. A new baby is a triple full time job. You have to be sure not to neglect your mate and make sure he's understanding of the demands on your time. The very best of luck to you always!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Heather Posted November 15, 2000 Share Posted November 15, 2000 Thank you Tony! I really appreciate the feedback! Thanks again Heather Link to post Share on other sites
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