Another no contact success story

[2ndConfusedfemale]

Okay I don't know if anyone here remembers my story. First the guy wasn't really an ex, we were "dating" for almost a year before I found out he had a girlfriend. When I found out Feb. 13, he didn't call or anything he just apologized via text message asking for "some time"...he contacted me after 2 weeks of n/c then I said something to him a week later. So I told him that we needed to talk and he said "he's not ready" so I gave him a month, and I sent him an email telling him that he's had time and if his request for time was a polite goodbye to just say bye. He never responded.

 

So, I didn't say anything else to him since May 5th. And today I see that he's sent me an email asking can we talk "sometime" and that he knows it's been a while, and he's sorry for that, and can he have my cell # again.

 

It's like there is SO much I want to say (because I haven't had the chance to say it THEN), there were so many nights that I cried because all I wanted was a phone call or email or something. And NOW I have FINALLY got him out of my system, and I finally get "the email" and I don't really want it. I see it as pointless. He lied the WHOLE time, and now it feels like there is absolutely no point in talking to him again. When I sent him an email he took 3 months to say something, so why would I or should I respond at all. There is some part of me that just wants to reply and say "no I can't give you my number, and delete my email address too"

 

...I don't know I just thought that I would tell everyone out there that he did initiate contact, and when I think about how much of a liar he is, it's like I want to tell him not to initiate contact with me again.

[murasaki]

I guess I've always been a bit puzzled by people who think that "no contact" is a strategy to get an ex to want you back.

 

I think your situation illustrates perfectly how "no contact" really works. First and foremost, it's a success if you get over the person and are no longer consumed with grief and wanting to get back together with them. On that count, I congratulate you -- no contact was a success!

 

But think about it: why did he wait so long to get in touch with you? My guess is that he was too much of a coward, possibly also just emotionally unintelligent, to be able to deal with your raw pain and anger. So he was happy to not hear from you at first. And if you'd gotten in touch with him after a month or two, with obvious expectations that he would provide satisfactory explanations, show appropriate contrition, and generally make you feel better (thankfully you didn't do that!), you'd have probably received an evasive, unccomunicative response.

 

As long as you were in obvious pain and it was obviously his fault, he didn't want to have anything to do with you. We've probably all pulled stunts like that at one time or another: you mess up, you know you've messed up and angered someone else -- and you don't want to deal with their anger. Once they seem to be over it, it's easier to apologize. Sure, it's cowardly, it adds insult to injury, and it's immature, but it's sooo much easier to handle things that way.

 

He's not getting in touch to make you feel better -- although he might be telling himself that's what he's doing. He's getting in touch to make himself feel better about what he did to you. Probably the best thing you could do would be to simply not reply, ever. But I know what it's like to feel like there are Things To Be Said. I've been in your shoes, and if I could do it over again here's what I'd change: 1. I wouldn't expect to get any satisfaction from him. He's not prepared to admit he was an atrocious monster. He's only going to admit limited liability, so to speak, and if you hear him out you'll be asked to validate a version of events that doesn't match your version. And don't expect him to hear your version. 2. I wouldn't expect anything from him: I wouldn't expect him to want to re-establish friendly ties, or anything else.

 

If I were you I'd email him back something like this: "I've put that all behind me, and while I'm no longer actively angry with you, your behavior towards me, both while we were together and after, led me to conclude that you're not someone I care to have anything to do with. Please don't try to communicate with me again."

 

Don't call him names, or label his behavior. Sure, you could, but why invite a discussion? You know what he is -- and deep down he does too. As tempting as it might be to picture him groveling, bear in mind that groveling is not on his agenda. He's looking for a nice little "I'm okay, you're okay, if we meet on the street we'll smile and say hello" reassurance. He's prepared to say "I'm sorry for the way I behaved" in order to get that, but he's not going to listen to your thoughts on the subject. If you try to convey your lingering anger, etc., or to get him to grovel, he'll blow you off and tell himself that you're angry and bitter. Trust me. I've been there.

[WantanS4]

NO... NO... don't even bother with the cordial reply.

 

Put simply, don't look back... keeping walking your path. The hell with him, no matter what his motives are, if you need someone to talk to, we're all here!

 

It's funny how the people that do the hurting think that they can come and go and do whatever they want when they want because life is about THEM and not the rest. Selfish ungrateful egocentric bastards... all of them.

 

If you say anything, anything at all... I would recommend "I am sorry, I don't know who you are."

 

That's my plan if she ever tries to say something to me, be it good or bad. I'm simply going to say that I've never met her in my entire life and that I WOULDN'T HAVE cared to.

 

I'm proud of you, I wish I reach that point one day.

[beautiful]

I absolutely AGREE! DO NOT ALLOW HIM BACK! This guy has treated you so shamefully! WHY WOULD YOU WANT THIS BACK?

 

People, an EX is an EX for a REASON! EVERYTHING else is just a stupid game!

 

Remember someone that truly loves you will never treat you bad! Period!!!!!! end of ???????.

You doing fine continue moving on!

[2ndConfusedfemale]

thank you all. I just can not believe his nerve. It wasn't like I was not contacting him as a last ditch effort to "get him back" I never had him. I wasn't contacting him because my dignity wouldn't let me. It was like I'm a fighter, and I fight for what I want, but after what he did I couldn't fight anymore. I couldn't ask the person who wronged me for the time of day, it just didn't sound right. I contacted him those few times for an explanation (because I found out from a third party), and the third and final time was for "an ending" but now I just don't see the point. All he'll say is how sorry he was, how confused he was, blah, blah, blah, and then when he doesn't answer my questions he'll remind me of why I was happy that he was gone, AND that he left the way that he did. If he was so interested in how I feel he would've said something THEN, not now.

[WantanS4]

APPLAUSE... APPLAUSE..... I APPLAUD YOU!

 

If you ever get lonely.... you know where we are!

[Velveteel]

I actually don't believe what one poster wrote, that if someone loves you, they'll never hurt you. I think this guy was deeply attached to two women, and couldn't make a choice. He was cowardly to string you both along for a year. And yes, he was cowardly not to face your anger afterward. But he's not "an atrocious monster." He was weak and selfish. Let him go.

 

I don't think it helps us grow to vilify people who have hurt us. Life is so complex. Maybe you don't have time for this particular brand of selfishness and immaturity, but accepting that we all contain good and bad qualities is part of growing into a strong and resilient person.

[ojibwaywmn]

Originally posted by murasaki

I guess I've always been a bit puzzled by people who think that "no contact" is a strategy to get an ex to want you back.

 

I think your situation illustrates perfectly how "no contact" really works. First and foremost, it's a success if you get over the person and are no longer consumed with grief and wanting to get back together with them. On that count, I congratulate you -- no contact was a success!

 

But think about it: why did he wait so long to get in touch with you? My guess is that he was too much of a coward, possibly also just emotionally unintelligent, to be able to deal with your raw pain and anger. So he was happy to not hear from you at first. And if you'd gotten in touch with him after a month or two, with obvious expectations that he would provide satisfactory explanations, show appropriate contrition, and generally make you feel better (thankfully you didn't do that!), you'd have probably received an evasive, unccomunicative response.

 

As long as you were in obvious pain and it was obviously his fault, he didn't want to have anything to do with you. We've probably all pulled stunts like that at one time or another: you mess up, you know you've messed up and angered someone else -- and you don't want to deal with their anger. Once they seem to be over it, it's easier to apologize. Sure, it's cowardly, it adds insult to injury, and it's immature, but it's sooo much easier to handle things that way.

 

He's not getting in touch to make you feel better -- although he might be telling himself that's what he's doing. He's getting in touch to make himself feel better about what he did to you. Probably the best thing you could do would be to simply not reply, ever. But I know what it's like to feel like there are Things To Be Said. I've been in your shoes, and if I could do it over again here's what I'd change: 1. I wouldn't expect to get any satisfaction from him. He's not prepared to admit he was an atrocious monster. He's only going to admit limited liability, so to speak, and if you hear him out you'll be asked to validate a version of events that doesn't match your version. And don't expect him to hear your version. 2. I wouldn't expect anything from him: I wouldn't expect him to want to re-establish friendly ties, or anything else.

 

If I were you I'd email him back something like this: "I've put that all behind me, and while I'm no longer actively angry with you, your behavior towards me, both while we were together and after, led me to conclude that you're not someone I care to have anything to do with. Please don't try to communicate with me again."

 

Don't call him names, or label his behavior. Sure, you could, but why invite a discussion? You know what he is -- and deep down he does too. As tempting as it might be to picture him groveling, bear in mind that groveling is not on his agenda. He's looking for a nice little "I'm okay, you're okay, if we meet on the street we'll smile and say hello" reassurance. He's prepared to say "I'm sorry for the way I behaved" in order to get that, but he's not going to listen to your thoughts on the subject. If you try to convey your lingering anger, etc., or to get him to grovel, he'll blow you off and tell himself that you're angry and bitter. Trust me. I've been there.

 

I can totally relate to the experience and agree with your response. My last relationship was like that, and these are the exact thoughts I have about it. Good to know that I am not the only one who went through it.

[KaiaMahina]

2nd, you are in the envied "cat bird seat" with this one! Damn, and ain't it fine?

 

We're on the same page as far as why we initiate no contact with an ex. Dignity. Pure and simple. Some confuse it with "pride." They are wrong.

 

I was dumped twice, or rather four times, since each of these malordorous toads dropped me twice! Each time, I remained totally silent after being drop kicked. Each time, these creatures came sniffing back around my doorstep, ashamed, apologetic, crooning about how they made such a ghastly mistake, ad nauseum. And silly me. I took each of them back. BOTH TIMES.

 

Good news is that I was smart enough when one tried for a third time! Left me an apologetic and obviously what he felt was a heart-melting monologue on my answering machine. That was a year ago. I wouldn't have called him back if I had been hit by an 18-wheeler and thrown into ditch with every bone in my body broken except for one finger which I could use on my cell phone to reach one button to dial his preprogrammed number and I wouldn't do it!

 

The second one has been trying for a third round for...oh, let's see...'bout 4 years now. Phone calls, flowers at work, offering trips to Greece or Hawaii. He has no idea of the concept of too little, too late.

 

I am not in no contact for 2 months for the latest simple-minded buffoon to turn his back on me. Not one word, written or spoken, has been passed between us, and never will on my part.

 

I adore both murasaki's and wantan's suggestions for a proper response! Yahhhoooo! My favorite daydream is for my ex (who claimed when he dumped me that he hoped he wouldn't live much longer because he was in such pain, the poor dear) is for him to instant message me with "I'm so miserable I wish I were dead," so that I can counter with, "What a coincidence! I wish you were dead, too!" May that day dawn soon!

 

In the meantime, 2nd, savor this. And if you decide that no response is best, you will be echoing the advice my friend gave me once: "Silence is the most perfect expression of contempt."

[ojibwaywmn]

Another great response!

[daphne]

2nd,

 

I truly hope you do not respond to this guy. There is nothing that you can really say that silence won't tell him.

A wise girlfriend of mine who is happily married once told me after a really bad relationship that what kills a man more than anything is a girl that can walk away and never look back. I followed that advice 12 years ago and it was the best thing for me ever. Of course the guy came back. Again and again. I got tired of it and just changed my number. Now, I wouldn't bother responding.

 

I guess I've been fortunate in that all of my exes have come back pretty quickly. A month tops. It's validating but at the end of the day there was something fundamentally wrong with each relationship or at best, the circumstances weren't optimal. I haven't spoken with the last ex in about 4-5 months now and although I know he'll be back, I no longer fantasize about what I'd like to say to him or need him to grovel. He sounds a lot like yours although there was no other girlfriend. He was a coward when he made a mistake and I found myself apologizing for my actions although they were mild reactions to his crappy behavior. He's waiting it out until the dust settles. The dust has settled and I'm done. There is nothing positive that I can contribute to him as a human being because I feel he is worthless in relationships. He promised me the moon but couldn't deliver a comet. I've learned a lot and I have to forgive him for myself but I have lost total respect for this person who was also a completely weak and selfish liar.

 

Enjoy the turn of the tables. But please don't contact him. Even to get in the last word. I doubt you'll get what you want out of it if you do.

[snilljente]

Not sure why someone contacting you after months is a success....he blew it....and now maybe he's lonely, you don't deserve to be his back up plan. Where was he all of the nights you were crying and just wanting a simple call/message...I just went through this same thing, the guy wouldn't break it off, but needed space....He had another relationship going on the side...be careful....my theory is that if you were walking along the street and saw a $100 bill laying on the ground, you wouldn't wait to pick it up, knowing that someone else likely would and you would lose your chance...I consider myself to be a catch and if someone is willing to risk losing me, then they don't see my value....opinions?