An engaged girl has fallen in love with me...

[DKirbi]

Greetings! I don't know if I'm writing in the right topic. If I'm not then I would like the moderators to move it somewhere else.

 

Well to give you a short version of my problem. I've met a girl that is really awesome and we fell in love with each other. The only big problem is that she has a boyfriend that has already proposed to her with a ring (he said that he will buy her a real one when he will have enough money...) and they are living sharing an apartment, since they're both students. I'm asking anyone who had a similar problem in their lives because I really don't know what to do.

 

Now the longer version:

 

I believe in destiny and that we are meant to meet someone someday which will be a right person to stay with. Of course I'm familiar with the myth that there are a lot of different people like that and not just one person that you're destined to stay with.

 

It all happened on July 20th this year where an experiment event was being organised in our city of Maribor (Slovenia), there were some people coming from different countries but most of them were from Graz (Austria), from a chemical university. I have been informed by that event by some friends that were helping with the organisation but had to go drive to a lame birthday party the same day. Of course I came to the city a bit early as usual and because I had too much time I decided to go have a look at that event. I also have to state that I was not interested into seeing anyone or flirting with any girl that time because I was just recovering from being unhappily in love with a girl, that somehow played around with my feelings... so I was just being myself, not really styled that day (meaning that I had already a 1 week beard) and I just went to that event out of curiosity. There I found out that I've missed the highlights of the whole event but the people making the experiments still had to stay there a couple of hours.

 

Then I met this girl, she was making some experiments with coins, evolving them from bronze to gold (really cool experiments) and I kind of fell into a chat with her. We really clicked and were really talking and laughing at my stupid jokes and she was quite cute also. Then I somehow fascinated her with her experiment that she was doing, when I asked her that I wanted to have a silver coin, rather than a gold one. It somehow got to her for which I still don't know why, but I didn't invite her for the coffee later on and when I had to go I just said a quick goodbye to her.

 

I never knew that I would see her again but then I found her on facebook (under the events page) and wanted to send her a message in German to thank her for the gold coin she made me for the experiments. The result was, that we ended up talking with each other for about 5 months almost every day (where almost means that maybe a day or two we just sent each other very long emails). We somehow fell in love with each other and I decided to arrange the second meeting. So in short we met again in Graz where she's currently studying, went for a breakfast together and then a bit of sightseeing, then lunch. I went there expecting that she would find out something different about me and that she would change her opinion about this situation and just move on. But what happened was exactly the opposite, there were sparks flying around between us whenever we looked into each others eyes. We really enjoy each others company and everything and even at the end of the day (of all the hugs and kisses on cheeks I got from her that day) she appeared very sad and later on she told me that she didn't wanted me to leave that day, that as I may quote "If I would be single and if I would ask you to stay, I'm sure that you wouldn't resist." And she was right. She was also confusing me with sentences before our meeting with like, if she would have met me 2 years earlier that she would know my mother language pretty good by now.* or that if she would be single, that she would really fight for me to get me. She also stated once when we were discussing about it that things would be different if she wouldn't share her finances with her boyfriend already and also the flat. We're also arranging a new meeting in a couple of weeks, where she will show me the university that I would like to study at for my masters degree, that's also in Graz. She also doesn't mind meeting with me with a specific reason, since she has to tell and explain everything to her boyfriend, like a normal couple should.

 

Her love life before she met me was perfect and still is perfect. She loves her boyfriend but also claims to have been fallen in love with me. Lately I can't sleep anymore because I'm thinking constantly of what I should tell her or do. I want to tell her that I would really fight for her and maybe ask her, if she would break up with her boyfriend to be with me or not. I feel like I just need something from her, because her belief into karma and destiny that maybe one day we will come together is sweet but I don't like it at all. I have to admit that I am a jealous person and it's really killing me. At the start I was mentioning her that we should stay friends but she was declining the friendzone. Also we tried to break contact several times at start but we really failed. She's really someone that I can be open with, where I don't have to hide or hold back of who I am. So if anyone has read all this through and has an opinion about it, I'm really asking for it.

 

*To explain the language thing. I'm currently from Slovenia and from Maribor to Graz is about 60 km which is almost nothing, it's even closer than to the capital of Slovenia. I don't have a problem with the German language, we're communicating both in English and German all the time. Actually more in German lately because I'm planning to find work in Austria and later on apply on the masters study there.

 

I'm sorry for the long post and any English grammar mistake I've made. I will be really thankful for any great opinions about it or hints and tips about my problem.

Thank you, Love Shack!

[TaraMaiden]

The short version is more than sufficient.

 

BAD ADVICE:

Stick with her, but tell her she MUST ditch her fiancé. You will not treat him like an idiot - although some say "It takes one to know one"....

 

GOOD ADVICE:

She cheats on him, when she's already engaged to him and sharing an apartment?

She will 100%-guaranteed do the same to you.

 

Dump.

Go No Contact.

Move on.

[ThatJustHappened]

This girl is a cheater and a philanderer. These women need NEW SPARKS all the time to feel good. She loves her BF, but the relationship is mature. This girl is seeking the thrill of the NEW, the CHASE, THE NEW SPARKS. Women like her tend to be serial cheaters.

 

If you end up with her she will cheat on you after the NEW PARK dies down.

 

Why are you so needy? Why focus on a taken woman?

 

Ah, I know why! She gives you that extra attention you don't get ftom single balanced women. Yep, cheaters know how to reel in their prey.

 

Nail.

 

Head.

 

Nice one Pierre.

[Woggle]

Don't fall for her.

[Tony T]

I don't think she is a cheater so much as she is immature and not yet ready for a long term relationship (marriage) with anybody. A lot of young people think that just because they fall in love that's a sign they should marry that person. Hell, I've been IN LOVE with lots of wonderful ladies. When you've found the one who will be your lifetime partner, you don't wander any longer...you no longer express romantic love for others....you settle down and become very happy with one person.

 

Sounds like she needs at least a few years. Or she may be a love addict and fall in love dozens of times before she starts having a bit more difficult of a time getting males to reciprocate.

[DKirbi]

Well let me just state another thing that I forgot to write in the first post. She was brought up by buddhistic parents and has the buddist ideology. She's not a cheater, we have already spoken about that topic and we are both against it. All she ever stated was, that she's not sure about marrying that guy anymore, but she still loves him. Austrians are also very closed to their emotions, they do not express them that freely as other people. She's also not used of talking about these emotions. Well I'm also not needy... I mean she's also the person that I enjoy the company with. There are no lies between us, because I'm also a truthful person and a bad liar when it comes to men defense mechanism.

 

For example, she sucks with computers and technology. I'm the opposite and I always teach her things about that. I'm not very aware at the science field but I'm very interested into it and she's a nerd around it. We're both serious Harry Potter, Star Wars and The Matrix fans. We both met in a complete coincidence that we like to call destiny.

 

I would also like to say that these quick judgement answers aren't helping me at all. I came here for some constructive feedback. Please if you have a question, then ask. I'm not here to try to get rid of her. She's still a friend to me and I don't want to lose her and I'm also quite sure that she thinks the same.

 

@Tony T Thanks for your answer though. I also suspected that she got cold feet, because getting married so soon... well it would be scary for me... If I wasn't sure. She also told me that previously everything was perfect, so she was probably very sure about the guy. But getting to think that we could be soul mates... I mean I don't really feel something like just a physical attraction towards her, I don't see her like a one night stand. Believe me that if it would be like that, I wouldn't be right here now, desperate for some additional help.

 

She just strongly believes into karma and the destiny. And is standing by the thought that if it was meant to be between the two of us, we will meet again sometime as single partners and that then she would actually fight for me.

 

But I'm currently just standing at the point where I'm 120 % sure that she's my soul mate and that I shouldn't give up.

 

Well thanks for all the answers.

 

EDIT:

 

And to state again so that everyone can see it.

 

We are both against cheating and we are aware of that, that cheating destroys trust. I will never do it even if it's very tempting, because I do think too much about the consequences and quite frankly, cheating is not something that I would want from her either.

Edited December 29, 2012 by DKirbi

[coffeebean201]

It isn't uncommon to have someone come along right when you think you have your life all planned, and to give you really difficult, but good choices.

 

In this type of situation I usually take my time to make the decision because a lot of problems get revealed over time.

 

Maybe she isn't all that, maybe she is.

 

But I wouldn't rush into anything if I were you.

 

Either way - gives her a story to talk about for a lifetime about how two guys wanted to marry her. She will never let her husband forget it. It isn't a good way to start a marriage, unless it is well intended and feelings are respected.

[RickFox]

Pierre is dead on IMHO

 

To the OP, you came here for the same reason I and so many others did...we wanted validation, for someone to tell us our affair was okay, that our AP's behavior was normal and we all reacted the same as you, saying I didn't come here to be judged or told things I really don't want to hear......

 

What you learn is you don't get to dictate the responses from various folks here and yes, your story is not unique, I felt the same way about my xmw, thought she was so special, moreso than my W, that we were soulmates, workout buddies, and the list went on and on.

 

Oh, let us not forget the old line "I love you so much, more than I've ever loved anyone before....BUT.. I still love my Husband" or boyfriend as the case may be. As stated before, your story is unique and special to you, to those of us who have been through it, it follows a very similar storyline with very rarely a happy ending.

[DKirbi]

Hmm well okay I take it that she's cheating on her boyfriend if she's having romantic feelings for me. The thing is that we talked about it before and she's somehow err... bound with her boyfriend because they're living together in a rented apartment. They're both from some distant cities, studying in a bigger city. If she would break up with her boyfriend, she would have to move out and since they're having the cheapest apartment and sharing finances together... well I KNOW it's a very stupid excuse from her, but at least it was logical. Well I am aware that they are having intercourse together and I do think about it, which is hitting me right when it hurts the most ^^ I know that I am destroying myself with keeping up and talking with her and I know that it's not fair to her boyfriend as well. I like it when she's flirting with me but then I'm just living in the moment, because I forget everything else around me, later on I figure out that she still goes to the same bed with him and it's wrong.

 

There are some points that I have to agree with and also some points that I don't agree with. It's difficult to explain the situation across a forum. I guess that I expected something more professional.

 

I think that I'm done here. In the future days I will have some time to think things over and then confront her the next time we meet, maybe give her an ultimatum. I would like to be with her but of course before that I would like her to get straight with her boyfriend or just tell me what she really wants from me.

 

I've been having a lot of bad luck with girls and my energy is just running out Maybe I'll rent a lonely island and go raise some turtles there or something...

 

Anyway, thanks folks. Moderators/Admins can please close/delete this thread

[TaraMaiden]

...."Buddhistic"....? )

 

 

[RickFox]

The ultimatum will not work and will actually have her turn on you. How long has she been with her bf? and how long has she been in "love" with you? I'd venture to say that her loyalties are far more with him than they are with you. Maybe you will learn that in the end, nothing good can come of trying to claim someone else's 'love' as your own (or at leats very very rarely).

[anne1707]

...."Buddhistic"....? )

 

 

 

 

I knew you would like that one when I saw it

[TaraMaiden]

I agree with Pierre, tho' - I don't know what the hell it has to do with anything at all...!

 

If she was brought up with a 'buddist (sic) ideology' she sure as hell ain't sticking to it.

[DKirbi]

I agree with Pierre, tho' - I don't know what the hell it has to do with anything at all...!

 

If she was brought up with a 'buddist (sic) ideology' she sure as hell ain't sticking to it.

 

I know. She was also having discussions about this whole situation being really the opposite of her beliefs and I didn't like it either. I wasn't enjoying this one bit. Well I know that I am blinded by a lot right now. So I guess that the best thing for me right now is to keep quiet and move on. I would fight for her, but I can't because I don't want her to cheat on her boyfriend either. I guess that I'm just going to move on with my life and maybe she was right all along. If we were destined to come together in the end, then maybe our paths will cross again... if not, then I'll find someone else. But since we still understand each other really well and since she's going to be the one showing me around when I'll get settled in Graz looking for a job... I think that I'll keep that word of hers and just be friends with her.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

In my humble opinion it is already too late to reverse the process. Five months of prolific online communication and dream-weaving is a heavy investment, and you are already veeeeery emotionally involved. This situation will hurt you whatever you do - no contact only helped me when I absorbed that there was no chance in a continued relationship whatsoever. In fact realizing this, or getting "closure," was even more effective than going no contact, because sometimes I'd even get over an ex while still on speaking terms with her. If you go no contact it will continue your immense pain and mental torture, because the wound will never really be closed - you will always think of what could have been, something I never do with an ex thanks to closure. If you continue with the girl you will feel alive - there will be jealousy, and probably some misery, and perhaps heartbreak, but there will be passion and thrill and intoxicating love too. It will last as long as it lasts, and it will end when it will end, leaving you with fond memories and experiences.

 

It all depends on discipline - do you have the strength to juggle this inconvenient relationship with your studies, your money and the course of your life? You will experience spirals of both negative and positive emotions, are you prepared to keep them under control when you are alone? I don't regret my last relationship because it gave me rounds of ecstasy and misery, I regret it because it interrupted my finances and the course of my life. But don't take me for an example - simply because I have grown accustomed to doing Nothing, both before and after my last relationship. It's not like I was going to cure cancer.

 

If the financial, academic, professional, etc. costs of this great emotional tangent are, in your judgment, greater than the feelings are worth, you must cut her off. But if the risks are only emotional, do not imprison and brutalize yourself by cutting her off - love never has any guarantees. You would be exposing yourself to these risks with any girl, not only this one.

 

My last girlfriend whom I loved very much, was engaged from before we even met. I put up a great fight, but I lost - but it wasn't a situation comparable with yours, we had severe financial, familial, and bureaucratic problems that I won't go into now. In retrospect, if I had had simply had my passport and savings, we might have worked. She cracked under the pressure and married him, and we stayed "together" for about 2 months ~ she was under the impression we could run away, we were even talking on her wedding day. I was the one to finally give up on everything, and I'm glad I did and I'm over her - but it's not something I 100% regret.

 

Your situation is nothing like that. After 5 months your relationship is only just beginning. I strongly doubt she is still in love with the other boy. Her degree program has to end sometime and she will be free. She has no sadistic religious family to fight off. Her apartment is just an hour's drive away. Your chances are much better than mine.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

As I said my previous relationship was far from just a case of an engaged girl with a lover. It was compounded and interlaced with several extremely complicated challenges. These challenges were technical, not emotional, and they were the real reasons we could never make it work and why we ended, really. It would be exhausting to outline them here and it's not that relevant.

 

Of course I didn't care about the fiancé. I mean, he was not only clueless, he was d*ckless. He had no idea of her past, he was uncultured, he was never even good in bed. She cheated on him with over a dozen guys while they were together. The guy was a little b*tch, but so was she. It was ridiculously difficult for her to break it off, because she was spineless. When she did, the guy got drunk and totaled his car and wound up in a coma for some days. That was when everything started going downhill, yet it was only one problem we had.

 

These things happen. I've been cheated on, dumped, lost my women to other men, and I've "stolen" women and messed up relationships and lives as well. Love is blind. That's not the way I want it, it's just the way it is. I was very sheltered and idealistic when I was younger, and folks always trudged on me like a pavement. Now I don't play anything by difficult, nonexistent moral aspirations... I take things as they are.

 

The boyfriend's obviously lost his girl already - if not physically to the OP, he's still lost her mentally and emotionally. My advice to the OP is, if he's gonna be in a world of pain either way, he might as well get hurt doing something and living and enjoying it a little, rather than getting that world of pain all for nothing.

 

I might add: my mistake with my ex was to take her seriously. I knew nothing about independence and manipulation. I was ready to do anything for love. DKirbi, if you think you are strong enough to deal with this girl along with your other responsibilities, have your fun, but do not take her too seriously, do not give everything up for her. She's probably weaker than you think.

Edited December 30, 2012 by Bumaga vsyo sterpit

[DKirbi]

Firstly, I would like to thank @Bumaga vsyo sterpit for sharing a lot of second hand experiences, these were the reason I came here. I would also like to thank @Pierre for his pure logic and truthful answers.

 

I think that we learn a lot from the past mistakes. The thing that is actually bothering me at that girl the most is, that she had a really unfair past with men. She had just a lot of boyfriends that were unfaithful to her or treated her really badly. Then she met him, when he was still with some other girlfriend and they didn't date together. But then again destiny brought them together when they were both single again. He also had a lot similar past with girls in the past and so they kind of belong together. They are happy together, she never complained about him or anything. I was always fighting against my feelings and searching for the logical view of the whole situation, what did she just see in me. I mean she saw characteristics in me that no one ever mentioned before to me, the truth of course but it never answered the question to me.

 

I guess that she's really gotten cold feet and wanted some more excitement. The end result with all this if I keep going will always be the same, I will get hurt. She once said that she would fight for me if she were single. I've given her too much by now and I think it's time for me to move on. If she will really come back fighting for me, then I will respect it, otherwise we will just stick with being good friends to one another.

[Lillyfree]

Firstly, I would like to thank @Bumaga vsyo sterpit for sharing a lot of second hand experiences, these were the reason I came here. I would also like to thank @Pierre for his pure logic and truthful answers.

 

I think that we learn a lot from the past mistakes. The thing that is actually bothering me at that girl the most is, that she had a really unfair past with men. She had just a lot of boyfriends that were unfaithful to her or treated her really badly. Then she met him, when he was still with some other girlfriend and they didn't date together. But then again destiny brought them together when they were both single again. He also had a lot similar past with girls in the past and so they kind of belong together. They are happy together, she never complained about him or anything. I was always fighting against my feelings and searching for the logical view of the whole situation, what did she just see in me. I mean she saw characteristics in me that no one ever mentioned before to me, the truth of course but it never answered the question to me.

 

I guess that she's really gotten cold feet and wanted some more excitement. The end result with all this if I keep going will always be the same, I will get hurt. She once said that she would fight for me if she were single. I've given her too much by now and I think it's time for me to move on. If she will really come back fighting for me, then I will respect it, otherwise we will just stick with being good friends to one another.

 

sincek, moj bi ti savet bio da se klonis takvih. ili ih cuvaj za nepogode...

[TaraMaiden]

sincek, moj bi ti savet bio da se klonis takvih. ili ih cuvaj za nepogode...

 

I couldn't have said it better myself.....

[DKirbi]

Well I disagree. But thank you for your opinion. We haven't engaged into any sexual contact and if you take away two hugs and two kisses on the cheek as the tradition of the Austrians, that was quite it. I am proud that we didn't have that much physical contact and we did act as great friends when we met.

 

I am going to tell her, that she should come clean with her boyfriend and tell him everything about me, about her feelings about me. I hope that she will be able to rebuild her relationship. If that won't be possible because of me and the wish will still reside towards her boyfriend. Then I will break contact from her.

Edited December 30, 2012 by DKirbi

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

I neglected to write a few words about this part of your post.

 

It seems your former OW was a philanderer and I do not understand why you fought so hard for her. This reflects on you quite a bit.

 

Furthermore, you really don't know her betrayed H. You have no idea about his dick or how he f****s her in the evenings. I am certain she said what you wanted to hear with regards to her H so she coud cheat with you.

 

But, lets assume everything your former OW said about her H is true and that he is a dickless impotent man. In the end she picked the dickless wonder over you! How does that make you feel? This is the way most cheaters operate dude.

 

Oh man do we have to bark up that tree?

 

You can trust me that their sex life sucked. Her many infidelities were mainly sexual. The fiancé was under the impression that she was a virgin when they met, and obviously that she'd been with no one else since. He also thought she was insanely hot for him. He was an idiot. We had a very... intense, "master/slave" sexual style that we were at almost every day for the first three months, until everything went downhill.

 

99 per cent of the reason she picked him over me was that her again, conservative Muslim family found out she had once gotten pregnant by him and had an abortion. They went completely ballistic. Screaming matches every day for weeks, watching and controlling her every move, even while she was in and out of the hospital for her nervous breakdown and diabetes. My ex-girlfriend was a weak girl. She was purely a creature of emotion, and it was my ****ing stupid mistake to try and have the strength to carry us both while she just broke down. She ended up marrying him. I hated her. We talked on her wedding day and whenever we could afterward. We thought we could run away, but I looked into it and realized the financial, legal, and logistical challenges made it impossible. I mean in our country there are laws that would make her one-sided divorce take a year or two, and that would allow her now-husband to have her hauled back home if she left without explanation. It made me hate her more for ever signing that contract. Not to mention what she would have been like if she had run away - a 24-year-old woman-child who wouldn't have studied or gotten a job, probably would have just bawled about missing her family and gone back anyway. I stopped talking to her on October 21st and have gotten over her. The forum brings back the anger and the memory of humiliation. I have a photo of her beloved dead father and when I have the money I'll get it creatively Photoshopped and send it to her.

 

Anywayyy, this was just for reference. I don't mean to hijack the OP's thread.

Edited December 30, 2012 by Bumaga vsyo sterpit

[DKirbi]

Well I guess you had a lot of experience in your life for making such assumptions, but considering the fact that everyone are constantly sending messages, flirts, maybe just for fun etc, then everyone would have to be cheaters, worst liars and everything. I think that there are some exaggerations in your post and your or anyone else's experience may vary from a person to person. I for example know my soul mate, but maybe we weren't meant to be. But I still have the goodness in my heart to do the right thing that is there to do. Many of you have asked me to go to her boyfriend and tell him the whole thing. I disagree, I have nothing to do with him, that is her task, she will eventually have to do a lot of explanations to him anyway and it would also be better for the boyfriend to hear everything from her at first. And also I don't want to complicate things with another male that would probably have a lot against me at that point.

[DKirbi]

Hmm thank you for this I have to say that I agree with you. It is fully logical everything that you have told me. It's true, I just need an answer from her, whatever is going to happen in the end, I will survive.