BS wants to hear from OM/OW and WW/WH

[CantgetoveritNY]

I am a BH.

 

WW- My wife won't talk to me about this. I know she never did it before. She is NC with her MM but does not want to reconcile. Does not want a divorce either. I know she feels like she was wrong to do it. She says she hates the person she has become. But couldn't help herself. Why do you settle for the crumbs of an MM? I thought you were better than that. I know you can do better. Not with me, I mean if you want to leave me, why not be honorable and leave me before starting with someone else? Why not spare me the pain of an unfaithful wife and yourself the humiliation of being a cheater? And you see what destroying a marriage does to the BS and the children so why not pick someone else that is single? You are so attractive in so many ways. You could have your pick of men, why pick an MM? You hate the label "home wrecker" but you demolish two homes with what you do. Why?

 

OM - you won't leave your own wife and yet you wanted to keep my WW hanging on. How could you put her though this for so little benefit to her? With so much devastation to her. How could you break up our family? You knew our children. You told my WW I'm a great father. How could you put them through this? She told you I'm a great lover. Why do you want someone that is making love to me? I'm only giving her a chance b/c she is NC with you but you wanted her even when she was still making love to me. Why? Is she a conquest to you? Do you enjoy that you have hurt me, is that part of the thrill for you?

[watergirl12]

Being a BS sucks, and its a punch in the gut when you find out. I can hear the pain in your post and I am sorry.

 

I know you have more questions then answers. There will be a day when it won't matter anymore.

 

It sounds like your W is grieving too, and doesn't know what she wants. If she wants to reconcile at some point, she needs to provide answers, she needs to do whatever it takes to help you heal.

 

But you just need to take care of you right now. No answers in the world will make the hurt go away right now. Just start taking care of you and think about what you want to do.

[Decorative]

You need to 180 your wife- so you can get some emotional clarity from this situation and protect yourself.

 

At this point- it's toxic.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Being a BS sucks, and its a punch in the gut when you find out. I can hear the pain in your post and I am sorry.

 

I know you have more questions then answers. There will be a day when it won't matter anymore.

 

It sounds like your W is grieving too, and doesn't know what she wants. If she wants to reconcile at some point, she needs to provide answers, she needs to do whatever it takes to help you heal.

 

But you just need to take care of you right now. No answers in the world will make the hurt go away right now. Just start taking care of you and think about what you want to do.

 

Thanks for you kind words. I hope you are right about " someday"

[jwi71]

WW- My wife won't talk to me about this. I know she never did it before. She is NC with her MM but does not want to reconcile. Does not want a divorce either. I know she feels like she was wrong to do it. She says she hates the person she has become. But couldn't help herself. Why do you settle for the crumbs of an MM? I thought you were better than that. I know you can do better. Not with me, I mean if you want to leave me, why not be honorable and leave me before starting with someone else? Why not spare me the pain of an unfaithful wife and yourself the humiliation of being a cheater? And you see what destroying a marriage does to the BS and the children so why not pick someone else that is single? You are so attractive in so many ways. You could have your pick of men, why pick an MM? You hate the label "home wrecker" but you demolish two homes with what you do. Why?

 

All the wrong questions.

 

Why do YOU want to stay with a WW who won't open up (a necessary component of R) and won't file for D? In essence, she won't put the effort into leaving and won't put the effort into staying.

 

Why haven't YOU left given her utter contempt for you?

[Tenacity]

I mean if you want to leave me, why not be honorable and leave me before starting with someone else? Why not spare me the pain of an unfaithful wife and yourself the humiliation of being a cheater?

 

I have seen this question over and over here and I will answer it as best I can. I understand the question - and I understand that BS's will never understand the answer unless in the other position. I would not have either.

 

She didn't want to leave you - or at least hadn't admitted it to herself yet, or processed it. It is not as simple as deciding that things are horrible in a marriage, deciding to leave, then doing it. Most of the time it is about trying to make it work, pretending that things are better than they are, realizing that things could be better if x,y, and z, and so forth. I don't know your specific situation; I am only relaying mine here.

 

In my case I was married to a physically and mentally abusive husband for almost two decades. I am a smart woman. But I meant to stay in my marriage. I never intended to divorce. It was only after meeting someone who made me realize that this didn't have to be "my life" that I thought about divorcing at all, and by that time I was "in". Still, I divorced my H literally years before pursuing anything with anyone else.

 

I can understand how it is not such an automatic process to recognize divorce is the answer, then find someone new, etc. Sometimes it is interactions with others that lead you to the place you may never have thought of before. Wrong or right. It is the fact. I don't think it is "the plan".

[CantgetoveritNY]

All the wrong questions.

 

Why do YOU want to stay with a WW who won't open up (a necessary component of R) and won't file for D? In essence, she won't put the effort into leaving and won't put the effort into staying.

 

Why haven't YOU left given her utter contempt for you?

 

As long as she is NC with her AP I thought I should giver her time to do the right thing. One person here told me, and I believe it, that she stopped loving me long before the A. So now I'm hoping that she will love me again but not expecting that to happen quick. Im ok with giving her time for that. I do see small signs of progress.

[CantgetoveritNY]

FOW here, I realize your pain is very fresh and raw and I don't mean to add to it, but where does the responsibility for the pain your wife inflicted on you start and where does it end with her om? Who holds the greater responsibility? Is your wife a grown woman of sound mind? Is she capable of saying no and yes? If so, why didn't she say no? That is what you need to concentrate on, not that she was pursued by what you consider a predator but that she didn't say no.

 

I believe in owning my part in the pain that I helped inflict on the BS in my situation and I do, but I do not and will not take full responsibility for it. It is not all on me. The majority is on him. You'd be wise to place the bulk of yours where it belongs, your wife.

 

You are right. I am blaming her AP more. Forgive my stupidity if that is wrong and tell me why that is wrong

[CantgetoveritNY]

You aren't stupid, just in pain and you haven't come to grips that your wife did this to you yet.

 

No matter, what the om said to her, seduced her, whatever, the ultimate responsibility for your wife saying yes or no, was up to her.

 

Is your wife not taking any responsibility for what she did? If she isn't, then you need to show her the door.

 

We are all responsible for our decisions if we are of sound mind.

 

No, she does take responsibility. When I talk to her about how I blame the om she cuts me off. Says what you all say. That she could have said no. Should have said no.

[CantgetoveritNY]

I guess you are in the bargaining or disbelief stage of grief? You don't want it to accept that she did this to you?

 

I'm sorry for your pain. She should have said no, but she didn't. Not to excuse her, but if she knew it was wrong, something was broken within her. Is she working on fixing what is broken within herself?

 

If you read the threads here, you might can find some insight. Women of all kinds do have affairs. Some are cold and callous, so no wrongs are committed according to them, some are kind, warm and vulnerable, some lie to themselves in order to rationalize what they know is wrong, some see no wrong. There are all kinds of women here, what kind of woman is your wife?

 

She is very sorry she did this. But not for me. For herself. She is very humiliated that she fell for the tricks of a MM. But she is not sorry about my pain. She felt I was so horrible that of course she could do whatever she wanted.

 

I should say that this is evolving. That my reaction to what she did is giving her reason to think she was wrong about me and about her entitlement to hurt me.

 

My reaction was immediately to feel sorry for her. I knew right away that what she did was beneath her standards and would haunt her for the rest of her life no matter whether or not we reconciled. At first my worst thought at that time was for her. I worried that I had caused this beautiful woman to do such horrible things that would now haunt her for the rest of her life. Ok, BS's, now I know I did not cause this but still, I felt that then.

 

She did lie to herself during the A. She villainized me. She rationalized about what she was doing was ok b/c of what she needed in life.

 

So yes, she was broken. She is still broken. S**t I hate my life that I'm still thinking I want to be with her. I must be broken too.

[watergirl12]

She is very sorry she did this. But not for me. For herself. She is very humiliated that she fell for the tricks of a MM. But she is not sorry about my pain. She felt I was so horrible that of course she could do whatever she wanted.

 

I should say that this is evolving. That my reaction to what she did is giving her reason to think she was wrong about me and about her entitlement to hurt me.

 

My reaction was immediately to feel sorry for her. I knew right away that what she did was beneath her standards and would haunt her for the rest of her life no matter whether or not we reconciled. At first my worst thought at that time was for her. I worried that I had caused this beautiful woman to do such horrible things that would now haunt her for the rest of her life. Ok, BS's, now I know I did not cause this but still, I felt that then.

 

She did lie to herself during the A. She villainized me. She rationalized about what she was doing was ok b/c of what she needed in life.

 

So yes, she was broken. She is still broken. S**t I hate my life that I'm still thinking I want to be with her. I must be broken too.

 

 

*gives you a virtual hug*

 

Honey, despite what others on here like to portray, marital problems are a complicated thing. Affairs are just a symptom.Just like drinking is a symptom of inner turmoil.

 

Don't feel guilty at all for wanting to save your marriage. Many, many people say they would never condone a cheater, but when it comes time, many end up working on their marriages.

 

Many give an affair more power than it deserves, that it is the most evil, vile thing a person can do to a marriage, when there are other atrocities that can be committed. First you have to learn that the affair does not have to immediately dissolve your marriage.

 

Not everyone knows why they do it. Some it is obvious, others, it is not. No everyone has a masters in psychology and understand their behavior.

 

What it does mean is that there ARE problems, and it is both of you. After some grieving, the first road to recovery is for the BS to accept their role in the falling apart of the marriage. And address it.

The WS must also figure out what is wrong or missing, and why they sought attention somewhere else.

 

There is no room for guilt on your part. There is also no room for embarrassment. You didn't make her do anything. But what you BOTH need to start doing is rebuilding. Work in therapy over the issues. Fix the problems, and then begin to start a new life, creating new hobbies and memories to overwrite the bad ones.

 

 

With some hard work, many couples end up having a better marriage then ever before because of that process, even though the pain is excruciating at first.

 

The best times my husband and I ever had was making new memories while recouperating from an affair.

 

DO take control of the situation now. She either needs to stay or go. Then she needs to do whatever it takes to earn your trust back. If she is not willing to do any of these things, then she needs to go.

 

If you never fix the problems and she stays, she will only have another A.

 

If this marriage reconciliation does go forward like it should, your final step is to forgive her.

[CantgetoveritNY]

*gives you a virtual hug*

 

Thank you. Really. And I'm not usually one for hugs.

 

 

Honey, despite what others on here like to portray, marital problems are a complicated thing. Affairs are just a symptom.Just like drinking is a symptom of inner turmoil.

 

Don't feel guilty at all for wanting to save your marriage. Many, many people say they would never condone a cheater, but when it comes time, many end up working on their marriages.

 

Again, thank you so much. I often feel like I should not be trying to save my marriage. Not just b/c of the comments here but my gut feelings. It feels wrong to accept this. And at the same time it feels so stupid to no try to fix this with so much at stake. Two kids and 14 years with her. Why throw that away now if she is willing to change.

 

What it does mean is that there ARE problems, and it is both of you. After some grieving, the first road to recovery is for the BS to accept their role in the falling apart of the marriage. And address it.

The WS must also figure out what is wrong or missing, and why they sought attention somewhere else.

 

I do accept my responsibility. People here keep telling me to shut up and let my WW take some blame.

 

There is no room for guilt on your part. There is also no room for embarrassment. You didn't make her do anything.

 

I wish.

 

If you never fix the problems and she stays, she will only have another A.

 

I know this is true. Ugh!!!!

 

If this marriage reconciliation does go forward like it should, your final step is to forgive her.

 

Again, I know this is true, but how does one do that?

 

 

 

Again, I know this is true, but how does one do that?

[canuckprincess]

No, she does take responsibility. When I talk to her about how I blame the om she cuts me off. Says what you all say. That she could have said no. Should have said no.

 

 

There is plenty of blame to go around, the om did not break his vows to you. Your wife broke her vows, I believe it's easier to blame and hate a stranger the to hate and blame the stranger lying next to you. You allowing your ww to walk all over you is a desperate attept at hysterical bonding on your part. I'm sure if she was willing to stay you would do anything to hold on to what you once had. What you once had is gone forever and I don't see how you can ever get that back. I'm not saying the marriage can't survive I'm saying it will never be what it once was.

[Tenacity]

All the wrong questions.

 

Why do YOU want to stay with a WW who won't open up (a necessary component of R) and won't file for D? In essence, she won't put the effort into leaving and won't put the effort into staying.

 

Why haven't YOU left given her utter contempt for you?

 

I have read ALL your posts.

 

I agree completely with this post. The problem here is your wife, who is a selfish, narcissistic person who has a completely elevated view of herself.

 

The problem here is YOU. Why on earth would any real man put up with such crap from a woman who doesn't even remotely deserve such? Why? What is wrong with YOU that you can't see her for the selfish, narcissistic woman that she is?

[CantgetoveritNY]

I have read ALL your posts.

 

Really. I appreciate that you have taken the time to do that but it seems a bit over the top. You might be spending to much time on LS. IMHO.

 

I agree completely with this post. The problem here is your wife, who is a selfish, narcissistic person who has a completely elevated view of herself.

 

 

If you read all my posts you would see that my WW is not a monster.

 

The problem here is YOU. Why on earth would any real man put up with such crap from a woman who doesn't even remotely deserve such? Why? What is wrong with YOU that you can't see her for the selfish, narcissistic woman that she is?

 

Seriously? I'm not a "real" man? Whatever.

 

She doesn't deserve me? I sure am no saint either. No flawless gem here. And from all my other posts you should have seen that there are lots of reasons to attempt reconciliation. The drive way story of one OP is the best reason for me, if you recall that post. I'm not saying this attempt at recon is going to work or even that I'm sure I want it to work. But your post seems to be coming from a place of real bitter disappointment on your part. My life, my current situation is not so black and white as you portray it.

[Tenacity]

Really. I appreciate that you have taken the time to do that but it seems a bit over the top. You might be spending to much time on LS. IMHO.

 

It seems over the top to you that I have read your threads? Many people here have read your threads, as well as threads of others.

 

As for my spending "too much time on LS"... it takes a lot less time to read the threads than it does to write them. IMHO.

 

If you read all my posts you would see that my WW is not a monster.

I did not say she was a "monster".

 

However, she seems to have zero regret for hurting you and no remorse for what she did to her marriage or to you, and yet you defend her. I don't understand it. She should be begging you for your forgiveness... but it seems she doesn't need to do that.

 

Seriously? I'm not a "real" man? Whatever.

 

You are acting like her doormat. Sorry, but you are.

 

She doesn't deserve me? I sure am no saint either. No flawless gem here. And from all my other posts you should have seen that there are lots of reasons to attempt reconciliation. The drive way story of one OP is the best reason for me, if you recall that post. I'm not saying this attempt at recon is going to work or even that I'm sure I want it to work. But your post seems to be coming from a place of real bitter disappointment on your part. My life, my current situation is not so black and white as you portray it.

 

For reconciliation to work, she has to be remorseful and recognize what she did to you and to her marriage. Don't you see that? Don't you see that if she doesn't regret the pain that she caused you, and bust her butt to get your forgiveness and to let you know how much she regrets what she did to YOU, that she will not hesitate to do this to you again?

[Tenacity]

OP, I hear the pain in your post and I am sorry for what you are going through. I just am mad for you that your WW doesn't seem to be remorseful, and I wish you would either make her sh*t or get off the pot, so to speak. Rather than defend her. Her entire world right now should be about YOUR pain, not hers. SHE is the one who betrayed you.

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

For reconciliation to work, she has to be remorseful and recognize what she did to you and to her marriage. Don't you see that? Don't you see that if she doesn't regret the pain that she caused you, and bust her butt to get your forgiveness and to let you know how much she regrets what she did to YOU, that she will not hesitate to do this to you again?

 

I see that I'm still in danger of a repeat performance by her. I get that. If that happens with her fAP or a new guy, I have a plan of action. I have taken steps to protect myself b/c I do see that it is very likely she could do this again. But as long as she is NC with the OM and as long as there isn't a new OM, I still have hope she will grow and change. I'm just giving her time to do that. I'm not assuming she will. I hope for that but I know it is a long shot. As time goes on I do see some progress. I don't post what I see as progress b/c I don't trust it yet myself.

[flopply hat]

There is a very old saying that comes to mind 'treat them mean and keep them keen'. Now I don't think it is a complete good idea to be mean to her but you need to be in a place where she wants to make things work also. I have only briefly read the posts but the general feeling I get is that you may be too nice to her. Giving her the time to work out whether she wants to be with you in a loving relationshipe again is good but give her a bit of a push by not making yourself available. If you have hobbies outside of the home then do them a bit more. Do not say you love her. Be happy with out her. Don't keep talking about the affair. You both have to want to reconcile. I really do hope you do because the family unit you have is precious and worth saving. Do your homework (counciling or info on internet) 100%.

[watergirl12]

The forgiveness will come in time. You are no where near that stage yet. When you find your grief is hindering you and no longer serving a purpose, then you can work on your forgiveness.