I'm still struggling with my 16 year old.

[Moose]

Our vacation was great for the most part......but there was one problem that arose and guess who was the cause of it?????

 

On the last night we were there, the two little girls wanted to play candy bar bingo. ( Everyone brings a candy bar and the winner takes them all ). Well, Justin, the 16 year old, won the game 3 times already during our stay. So he had this huge bag of candy bars......well, I helped the girls out with their only candy bars and they lost the first round. I turned to Justin and asked if they could each use one of his candy bars. He rufused!!!! I had to tell the girls that we couldn't play anymore because we didn't have anymore candy bars.

 

I can't understand why he felt that he shouldn't lend the girls 2 of his bars. I was very upset!!! I even called him a prick when I took the girls out of the pavelion. That was very wrong of me and I quickly apologized. But that's what he was being. And now I don't even look at him the same and I doubt I ever will. I see him as a selfish, uncaring individual in this point and time in his life.

 

I of course pulled him to the campfire later to talk to him, but he put on his ignore face and tuned me out like usual. I feel that he should be either punished or taught a lesson. I should've told him that if the girls couldn't play, then he couldn't play. But it's too late for that.

 

So, any suggestions??? I can't deny him his 3 squares, but I can refuse anything after that.....anything else?? Oh,

and another thing, he calls home yesterday and asks for his Mother, he asked if he could go to Church with one of his friends. She didn't bother to ask my thoughts, she just said yes. That upset me!!! I'm supposed to be a major part of the decision making. Then later, he calls again, and again asks for his Mother. He asks her if he can stay the night since school is starting this week. She then asks me what I think, ( Cause I let her know about the earlier call I should've been part of ), I went ahead an let him.

 

So now, I'm sure he feels he's back in the driver's seat. What suggestions do you all have for me to put him back in the place he should be???

[honey2005]

I'm only a year (almost two) older than your son, so I can kind of undertand how he's feeling. He's a teenager, and many teenagers are selfish and tend to ignore you when you try to tell them something they need to hear. All you can do is to keep trying to talk to him, and show him that you're still in control. When he shows that uncaring attitude again, just tell him that he needs to lose it and treat people better or you're going to punish him. If he fails to listen, follow through with your promise. Don't let him spend the night at his friend house the next time he asks.

 

Don't look at him as a selfish and uncaring person for the rest of his life. He's young, he has alot of growing up to do and I'm sure when he's older he will be just as good of a person as his father is.

[RowanRavyn]

I SO do not miss being a teenager, and I am NOT looking forward to have one of each sex in the house in a few years. OY!

 

Moose, becoming an adult is hard to do. Kids and parents have growing pains. It is perfectly acceptable to have standards of behavior in your home. I would even suggest something so hokey as to have a family meeting to come up with a standard that the whole family participates in. Put it in writing and have everyone (including your wife and yourself sign it) put it in the kitchen, give all family members a copy. He is going to think its lame, BUT what will happen is that the next time he feels you are being unfair, you simply point to the contract he helped create and signed. That also gives him the option of doing the same to you.

 

Teenagers are going to bitch and moan. Its what they do. Nothing is going to be fair from their POV, but for all the complaints they want and NEED boundaries. Stick to your guns, but make sure that you are really being fair in the process. I also suggest you and your wife have a heart to heart. Make sure that you are both on the same wavelength where the kids (not just your son) are concerned, and listen to what she has to say, you might learn something about how to deal with your son without overwhelming both of you.

 

From your posts you seem to be a kind and fair man with a sense of humor. Hang on to that for dear life. I promise it will get better.

[Moose]

I definitley won't look at him like this for the rest of his life. But he needs to be clear who's in charge here. I'm more disappointed for his selfishness. I thought we raised him better than that. I need to know how to put him back in his place.....his Mother even did his chores for him just because he stayed the night over at his friend's house.

 

What kind of punishment do you suggest? What do I need to say to him to make him understand I'm in control? I don't need advice on the next time it happens, I need to know what to say to him right now.

 

Thanks for your time.

[DerangedAngel]

What kind of punishment do you suggest? What do I need to say to him to make him understand I'm in control? I don't need advice on the next time it happens, I need to know what to say to him right now.

 

Well, when exactly was this whole candy bar bingo incident? It's been a few days, yes?

 

I think you may have missed the window of opportunity to punish your son for his selfishness. I know if, when I was his age, my mother would have punished me like a week after I had done something wrong, I would have been furious. It still seems rather unfair.

 

If you feel something needs to be done about it, will sitting down and talking to him not work at all?

 

I'm not much help as I have no teenage sons to deal with, but I wish you luck.

 

-Deranged

[supermom]

Maybe make him do a list of 10 things that he appreciates about you, his mother, and sisters and give him a date to do it by. Next time he acts selfish, make him re-read what he wrote outloud to each of the family members.

 

Other than that, I'm at a loss. My daughter is only 2 so I'm dealing with that stage in parenting right now.

 

Good luck

[YellowLioness]

Just teasing. My mom always used to ground me, but it never worked as I am good at entertaining myself.

 

I suggest taking away phone privelages and an earlier curfew.

 

Perhaps you should do what the prison system does: tell him he can pick between being "jailed," and doing 20 hours of community service.

 

He could volunteer at an animal shelter, adopt a highway, do "big brother," there are TONS of options with community service.

 

 

Either way, he'll learn that you're in charge.

[Moose]

Thanks everyone.....you can bet that I'll be looking for opportunities to go back to that incident and use it as an example......good ideas you guys......you're great!!!

[RowanRavyn]

WOW!!

 

You guys have great ideas (busily writes them down in her journal). I do have to agree with Deranged....I think the window of opportunity has passed for this incident.

 

Have you thought of having your pastor (or youth minister) talk with him? Maybe he could "mediate" a conversation between the two of you.

[Moose]

Another good idea.....I'll think about that.

[RowanRavyn]

A lifetime ago I taught the teenagers Vacation Bible School at the Baptist Church I was raised in. I wasn't that much older than them, and it oddly worked really well. A lot of my views have changed, but more than once I was able to direct a lesson in the direction of addressing "growth spurts" between the kids and their parents. They were so used to me rewriting the lesson plans that no one was the wiser. More often than not the kids would come up afterwards and tell me that they were dealing with similar issues with their parents. Most of the time things got worked through on that level, sometimes we would go to the pastor together (who was my uncle) and he would help the family come to an understanding.

 

I had a knack for coming up with unique lessons and visual aids. I miss that part of it, but I don't miss a lot of the other things. I guess thats why I want to be a Counselor.

 

That said, if your family is very involved in church, you will want to make sure that you are really representing Christ to him, but not in a self-righteous way, in a humble way. Think of how Christ addressed the disciples. You just know that sometimes he wanted to beat his head against the wall, but he never gave up and never stopped loving.

[Moose]

We are HEAVILY involved in Church.....don't worry, we do represent what Christ would have us to. That's exactly why the selfishness on his part came as a shock. I felt terrible about the name I called him and instantly apologized not only to him, but also to God. ( We all make mistakes )....

 

I also want to let you know, we already have a, "Rules the Schlack's live by" poster in our kitchen that is visible to them daily. It mainly has scripture about respect for others, and also a list of rules we all, not just the kids, have to go by. We did that a while back. It was a part of our, "Families under construction" class.

 

So I think we're on the right track.....I'm just really disappointed is all.

[Bubbles]

I have a 14 year old daughter and I am just beginning this "Teenage Journey" I have an excellent bond with her and her younger brother. Many have told me that I am lucky. But.......I feel for you Moose! That's gotta suck! I know as a Mom that I do my best at bringing up my kids to be open minded to other people's feelings (without neglecting their own) and I swear if it was me that this happened too.....I also would be dumbfounded.

 

Reading over the replies that you received, I would have to say that making him make a list of 10 things that he appreciates about each of his family members will force him to think differently. I would suggest though that you ask your wife to stop making up for his "short comings" he should be responsible for his own chores or.......made to perform some of your wifes chores the day he arrives back at home as a sort of Thank-you to her. I think that's only fair.

 

I know as a Mom that we are tend to dismiss our children's bad behavior quicker than the Father would. That's just the way of things. But I do suggest that you ask your wife to be on YOUR team while you are trying to sort out your thoughts and feeling over your son's actions and how the two of you need to respond to any other difficulties in the future.. I would ask her that the next time your son calls home and asks to speak to Mom that she discuss what is being asked with YOU before she says yes. Otherwise you are the one that will end up looking like the "bad guy" and teen-age son will soon figure it out that it all depends on what question you want to ask and to WHOM you direct the question. If a two year old can figure that one out......so can he.

 

I'm probably NOT telling you anything that you don't already know...but sometimes just hearing it from another parent helps. I am sure as the day is long that you are an amazing Father....I trust you will figure this one out.

 

 

Bubbles

[Moose]

Thanks bubbles!!!, Your advice is something that I can do today!!! I'm going to make sure he DOES do something extra for his Mother!!! That's great!!!!

 

Oh, and I did talk with her....she apologized and promised to let me in from now on.....I don't know how much you know about me from my other posts....but I had a few problems in the past which caused most of my family to lose all respect for me.....I'm regaining that trust slowly, the most difficult one to understand that I'm not that person anymore is of course....Justin.

 

But with time and patience.....I think he'll understand.