Wishful thinking?

[Keepingthefaith13]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new to the forum but have been browsing for quite some time.

 

I was involved with a MM who was an ex boyfriend, whose heart I broke many years ago. The affair went on for a couple of years and it was a long distance relationship. I was and still am involved in an LTR ( not the happiest). We never really discussed it, but I was pretty sure he had no intention of leaving his marriage. We communicated mostly by email and at some point, I told him I thought it would be better if we were just friends because it was all too much for me. That went on for about a year.

 

Two years ago, I abruptly cut him off with no explanation. I ignored emails he continued to send and they ended after a few months.

 

Between then and now, I always had the feeling he'd come back to me someday, a strong feeling. He broke my heart, and although I never could forget him, the pain eased.

 

A couple of months ago, I received an email from him professing his love for me. The other day I responded by telling him that the relationship had been emotionally damaging for me and that although I still had feelings for him, I didn't want to live my life in that state of mind. And that we don't have a place in each other's lives anymore.

 

It felt good to say those things because I had never told him how hurtful the relationship was to me before. He assumed I was good with the fact he was married and that I enjoyed the relationship as much as he did.

 

He responded that he understood and wished me well.

 

Although this latest communication brought all the emotions to the surface again, I know that soon I'll reclaim the peace of mind I had gained over the last couple of years.

 

The strange thing is, though, I still have that feeling he'll come back to me someday. Am I crazy, or does everyone experience this? And if so, does it ever go away?

[ComingInHot]

Keepingthefaith;

So, just so I am clear, you both dated years ago when you were Both single. You broke his heart. Relationship ended. He got married. You started sleeping w/a married man. You felt bad. You went NC. He recently professes love. You say No.

 

If this is accurate then Why do you want him to "come back" to you?

 

Is it Really "coming back" to you if he's still married?

 

It sounds like you two have a long history that has had a few different "endings". Maybe try to find friendships/relationships that don't have these intermittent endings rather than kind of waiting and somewhat hoping for another chance at another ending with a MM.

 

Your feelings want, but your logical mind (thank goodness for you ) so far has given you clarity to do what is right.

 

For now, go w/your mind & not your heart*

[alexandria35]

I had a special love in my life once. I really believed that we were meant to be together and that someday we would be. Then he died. Maybe we'll be together after I die too.

[april38]

I agree with CIH, I think that you "feel" he may come back to you because in your heart you "want" him to come back to you. If you didn't want it, you probably wouldn't "hope" for it. I'm just speaking from my own experience, so I could be wrong, but that was my experience. There is a difference between believing something is going to happen, and just plain wanting it to. I'm just coming to terms with that reality myself. I'm sorry, but I don't have any difinitive advice, but I just wanted to share my understanding of what it really means to think someone is coming back to you (at least how it was for me).

[ComingInHot]

April;

You are really great, do you know that?!

 

Faithkeeping (keepinthe faith) listen to April...

[Keepingthefaith13]

I agree with CIH, I think that you "feel" he may come back to you because in your heart you "want" him to come back to you. If you didn't want it, you probably wouldn't "hope" for it. I'm just speaking from my own experience, so I could be wrong, but that was my experience. There is a difference between believing something is going to happen, and just plain wanting it to. I'm just coming to terms with that reality myself. I'm sorry, but I don't have any difinitive advice, but I just wanted to share my understanding of what it really means to think someone is coming back to you (at least how it was for me).

 

You pretty much hit home with that, April. You are right, of course, that I would like him to come back, but only if he is unattached. And there's a part of me that believes it, too. I also believe that, in time, it won't matter much to me.

[Keepingthefaith13]

I would caution you about holding out hope, it chains you down, doesn't allow you to be truly free.

 

It's truly best for you and your sanity, to "let it go".

 

LG,

I've said what I needed to say to him and I think that's a big step in letting go. I know what I want and don't want where he's concerned, so it's out of my hands.

I just wonder if others have experienced this feeling.

[Keepingthefaith13]

Keepingthefaith;

So, just so I am clear, you both dated years ago when you were Both single. You broke his heart. Relationship ended. He got married. You started sleeping w/a married man. You felt bad. You went NC. He recently professes love. You say No.

 

If this is accurate then Why do you want him to "come back" to you?

 

Is it Really "coming back" to you if he's still married?

 

It sounds like you two have a long history that has had a few different "endings". Maybe try to find friendships/relationships that don't have these intermittent endings rather than kind of waiting and somewhat hoping for another chance at another ending with a MM.

 

Your feelings want, but your logical mind (thank goodness for you ) so far has given you clarity to do what is right.

 

For now, go w/your mind & not your heart*

 

CIH,

 

It felt good to hear you say I have some clarity in the midst of this insanity. And I will take your advice and go with my mind, my heart gets me in trouble much of the time. Thanks for responding.

[coffeebean201]

There seems to be too much focus on whose coming, going, leaving, not talking...

 

....rather than focusing on supporting each other/listening as friends and loving each other.

 

 

 

You can speak to someone very infrequently and still be very good friends and very important to each other. A strong bond.

 

What you have described is a tension situation, with tension of varying degrees at various times.

[Keepingthefaith13]

There seems to be too much focus on whose coming, going, leaving, not talking...

 

....rather than focusing on supporting each other/listening as friends and loving each other.

 

 

 

You can speak to someone very infrequently and still be very good friends and very important to each other. A strong bond.

 

What you have described is a tension situation, with tension of varying degrees at various times.

 

Coffee,

 

That is an interesting slant, and I'd like to be able to achieve that at some point. Problem is, I tried the "friend" route but the feelings were still there. Truth is, I didn't enjoy hearing about vacations, etcetera, because they weren't with me. And we stopped talking about our feelings for one another because I found that upsetting. So the whole thing felt contrived and I'm not sure that's a barrier that can be broken through.

[Keepingthefaith13]

I did and he did and it cost me more than you ever imagine.

 

 

Little did I know he came back to lie some more, about how he was separated and stbd..........none of that was true. Actually nothing was true that came out of his mouth, but it took the 2nd go around to find all that out.

 

 

LG,

 

That's pretty awful. I don't think I could ever get past the anger if he had done that to me. Have you?

 

Fortunately for me, my guy never lied about things like that. No false promises, but I created some fantasies of my own. After reading all the stories here, I think I would know better than to get involved again unless a divorce had occurred.

[april38]

CIH - thank you for your support! It feels great to get positive feedback, especially from you, who is coming from the other side of the fence. I'm truly trying to end my struggle and help those who are also struggling.

 

Keepingthefaith13 - I'm sure you can and will move on. This is just a step backwards caused by your recent communication. If you can, try to remind yourself - one step backwards, two steps forward....just because you have fallen back into old feelings, it doesn't mean you can't and wont move forward. I know I've done that dance quite a bit myself.

[Keepingthefaith13]

I've over 2 years out, the anger has past, except for a flash now and then. The anger was the most difficult part of it all.

 

Well, I guess the silver lining in your story is that you know for sure he was a liar and a creep and not someone you'd ever want back in your life. I would think that makes it easier to let go of the person.

[coffeebean201]

Sounds like he drags his feet and expects you to hang around.

 

Sorry he has disappointed you.

 

Hope you have a really good New Year.