How to assist a cousin when there is resistance?

[Teknoe]

I saw D at my family Christmas gathering last Saturday. I'm concerned about D. I always viewed him as the little bro I never had. Just love the guy, but here are some basics and kinda where he is at in life

 

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1. He's 24 and a half. He is in the middle of his 2nd year at University... this is after spending 4 years at a community college taking God knows what classes. Usually, people go to community college for 2 years to shore up their GE classes and then transfer. It took him 4 years...

 

When I asked him how many more years to graduate from Uni, he said "At least 3 more." I went completely silent. I just could not believe it. He will be 28 years old basically graduating with JUST a BA degree. Wow, it left me speechless. I just felt very sad for him. Don't know what his life plan is. His sister who is 4 years younger will probably finish college before he does. It's just sad. He has gone to school FULL time the last 6 years, and it'll take him at least 3 more years just to get his BA? 9 years for a BA? Sounds like he just took unnecessary classes at Community College for 2 years to prolong the inevitable, staying in his comfort zone. It's just.... unheard of. Unnatural. Unhealthy.

 

2. When I asked him how driving has been (he got his driver's license I believe in late 2010 at 22 and a half) he said he hasn't been driving. So basically, his license means squat. In fact, he may be worse off. "If you don't use it, you'll lose it." He got his "training" but then hi-tailed it... which makes him worse off than a 24 year old who just got his license and is taking to the road on their own immediately. This really concerns me, because you can't always rely on your mom and dad to drive you somewhere.

 

3. He still has yet to hold any kind of job. Ever. I don't know how he could pass an interview as he's incredibly withdrawn, timid and difficult to understand. I don't see how he can pass an interview the way he is now. I really don't know what he's done with his life in the last 6 years since graduating high school but obviously he hasn't been taking steps in the positive direction. I always thought that he would be a late bloomer, but I'm concerned that that may not be the case.

 

I sent him a text wishing him Merry Christmas and offered to drive him around to look for a part time job while he has this month long break from school. At the very least, let's pick up applications and give it a shot. His response:

 

<< Merry xmas, Tek. I kind wanna rest for a while. Feeling kind of icky and want rest before a job hunt and haircut/makeover. >>

 

I had no idea he was thinking about getting a haircut and a makeover, but clearly it's been on his mind. However, he just wants "rest" before doing these things. I responded by telling him it's fine and I'm always here if he ever needs any kind of assistance.

 

Sadly, I think I see where this is going. "Rest" will end up leading to more non-action, which will only prolong the inevitable. One thing about wanting rest is... it's usually just a cop-out for extending your own circumstances. D's gotta somehow build small steps of positive momentum... but it's obvious he doesn't want to right now. Not much you can do but offer him an open door.

 

Really don't know how this guy is going to survive when his mom and dad passes away. He's never made a dollar in his life, can't really drive and has no ambition in life that I can see. He just... exists. I love him like the little bro I never had but it's really sad to see. Seeing him being isolated at the party was sad, too. You have to initiate with him for him to talk to you, and even then it's two word answers and it's difficult to understand him.

 

My mom tried talking to his dad (her brother) over the years about getting D tested or some help, but the dad always cuts off the conversation. He's kind of a "dopey dad" who wants everything to be positive, positive, positive while ignoring the elephant in the room. Friends that I've shared my "D situation" with have told me the best thing is for D to see a professional therapist. Everything else (learning how to drive, getting his 1st job) is just a band-aid and might even be worse off for him since he may not have the skills equipped to handle such responsibilities.

 

Just feel sorry for D. The more time passes and the more he regresses (even by standing still he is regressing), the worse it's only going to get for him.

 

But what can you do when you extend the hand and he doesn't take it? Or the dad does not want to help out? Even though D is 24 and a half, he is still like a child. FTR, I seriously doubt he's autistic. If he is though, it's the highest functioning tier of autism. I just think he suffers from living in a bubble world, lacks life experience (at 24.5 years old he has the life experience of a 13 year old, basically), lacks self-confidence and definitely suffers from social anxiety. Think he also has a very mild speech impediment that makes it difficult to understand what he's saying 40% of the time. He mumbles a lot and has difficulty enunciating his words.

 

His dad does not want to take D to a therapist. I know D is technically a "grown adult" and can make his own mind, but it's kind of the way of the family... things have to go through the dad. All around, it's just a sad situation.

 

Any thoughts? Can anyone relate? Anyone have a family member similar to D? How did it all turn out? I always hoped D would be a late bloomer, like 4 years ago when he initially started college I figured he'd find his way through, but 4 years later and he's now 24.5 years old... I've seen no progress and color me officially concerned. He might not be a late bloomer at all if he doesn't get some sort of (professional) help.

 

I am wondering if I should suggest to him seeing a therapist during our next 1 on 1 lunch (whenever that will be)

[Radu]

In many ways, i was and still am your D.

 

At 22, i went into a Depression.

At 25 i lost my virginity and the relationships that followed were basically ones where i settled.

I only started getting out of it at 28, my dad died and it all hit me.

Therapy is not well known here, my parents did not know what to do with me.

I did hold some jobs, and when i did it, it motivated me.

I'm 30 now, and 2yrs later i'm still fixing things.

I had to relearn much.

 

Get him to a therapist, or talk to a therapist about him.

I'll bet good money he is in a depression about it himself, and is 'medicating' with some form of escapism.

 

One more thing.

Even though he has the life experience of a 13yr old, that is technically a man you have there.

With the same desires and cravings.

After i started coming out of this, one of the driving forces was finding a girl, so i got into PUA.

That was the moment where it all started, where i got interested in self-improvement and which lead me to trying to understand myself.

 

I really hope your friend loses less yrs of his life than I did.

[Teknoe]

Radu, thanks for your feedback.

 

Yeah, I pray too that D loses less years on his life than he already has

[turnera]

He sees nothing wrong with his life, apparently, or he'd be doing something to change it.

[Teknoe]

He sees nothing wrong with his life, apparently, or he'd be doing something to change it.

 

No, he definitely knows he's not "normal" or "like other people." I know it's good to be your own individual, but as long as you are also an independent adult. He is far from that right now.

 

How I know he knows there are things "wrong" with him:

 

1. He wants to get a haircut/makeover at some point

2. He's reading self-help books

3. He mentioned to me he is socially awkward... so he's aware

 

I sent him a lengthy email about 3 things I wish I had known 5 years ago, when I was his age now: 24 and a half. Hope he will look into therapy on campus. Could really help him make some breakthroughs.

[turnera]

Yes, but you're talking about changing how he lives his life, not about getting a haircut. That would be like me expecting I could suddenly get my DD22 to care about cleaning her bedroom. She may know it's a mess, but she has no desire to change her ways and start keeping it clean. She's happy that way.

[Teknoe]

Yes, but you're talking about changing how he lives his life, not about getting a haircut. That would be like me expecting I could suddenly get my DD22 to care about cleaning her bedroom. She may know it's a mess, but she has no desire to change her ways and start keeping it clean. She's happy that way.

 

I see where you're coming from. In my cousin's defense, I do truly believe he has a desire to change his life... it's just overwhelming because he doesn't know where to begin.

 

Hopefully my email helps him. Counseling would be a good 1st step to take.

 

I realized.. learning how to drive or getting his 1st part time job ever might help, but rebuilding his foundation would be better. that's where counseling would come in

[Radu]

He needs structure, organization ... in his life.

That's where it should start.

A job is a way of getting these things, but only if you won't intervene [or others] when he loses said job.

 

I mentioned the PUA stuff above.

I am not referring to those scams with very expensive classes, there are some forums where it is all a part of something greater, of a different way of looking at things.

Relationships between yourself and those you are attracted physically are just a subset of interpersonal relationships.

The ones i met there, on that forum, are not interested in just the sexual relationships.

They share even how to groom yourself, how to make a good impression, and a big part of their way of looking at things is being your own man. That means being independent, strong ... many have their own businesses.

A good chunk of them are *******s though, especially the ones that simply want to figure out the whole ONS thing.

 

But otherwise it's a great place to start [untill you have it tapped out of information].

If you want i'll send you a link via PM.

[Teknoe]

Bumping a topic I created late 2012.

 

Major update on my cousin, D.

 

So he's now 26 years old, still in college, but he just texted me some huge news.

 

He's taking a year off school. Said "I want to do something else besides worry abou school." He's currently living at home with his parents, but his parents have a 2nd house about an hour away. D told me his plan is to live in this 2nd house by himself looking out for the house and working on his web comics. I responded by saying I support him, and follow your passion, but secretly a part of me is deeply concerned:

 

-Web comics don't pay the bills

-Earning your degree helps you land a professional job

-Have a bad feeling the year off will do more harm than good

-Can he survive on his own without his parents?

-Afraid he's going to further isolate himself and become a complete shut-in

-Scared that this just isn't the best step for him to take at this time

 

I mean, what are the odds that he flourishes and discovers himself versus becoming a full time recluse with no real world/adult skills to speak of?

 

He doesn't even drive! Well, he has his license (got it at like age 22), but for all intents and purposes, he fears the road and doesn't drive.

 

I'm worried, but don't want to overstep my bounds or get on his bad side. I've always been the closest to him in my family, and I don't want to ruin that relationship. At the same time, he could be walking into a huge mistake here. I don't know what I can or should do.

[Els]

He's taking a year off school. Said "I want to do something else besides worry abou school." He's currently living at home with his parents, but his parents have a 2nd house about an hour away. D told me his plan is to live in this 2nd house by himself looking out for the house and working on his web comics. I responded by saying I support him, and follow your passion, but secretly a part of me is deeply concerned:

 

-Web comics don't pay the bills

-Earning your degree helps you land a professional job

-Have a bad feeling the year off will do more harm than good

-Can he survive on his own without his parents?

-Afraid he's going to further isolate himself and become a complete shut-in

-Scared that this just isn't the best step for him to take at this time

 

Well, first off, the bolded stands out to me - at 26, he'd darn well better be able to survive on his own without his parents! And even if he can't yet, there's no better time for him to start learning. If he doesn't take any steps to move out then he'll never progress. I think him moving out, even if it's to a house that still belongs to his parents, is a good first step for him.

 

Web comics are unlikely to pay the bills, but if his parents are happy to support him doing that, then it's between them and him IMO. You could give him your advice if he asks for it, but otherwise as a cousin (not even a sibling) it seems rather off-bounds to give it unsolicited.

[Teknoe]

Well, first off, the bolded stands out to me - at 26, he'd darn well better be able to survive on his own without his parents! And even if he can't yet, there's no better time for him to start learning. If he doesn't take any steps to move out then he'll never progress. I think him moving out, even if it's to a house that still belongs to his parents, is a good first step for him.

 

Web comics are unlikely to pay the bills, but if his parents are happy to support him doing that, then it's between them and him IMO. You could give him your advice if he asks for it, but otherwise as a cousin (not even a sibling) it seems rather off-bounds to give it unsolicited.

 

 

Good tips. OK, I will leave him be. I did text him "LMK if you need help moving" and I'm gonna leave him be. Hope it works out for the best.