wondering if possibilities of reconciliation?

[ataloss8270]

I am going to admit I am an abuser on my way to change. I have enrolled myself into anger management for the second time, and this time I am in therapy as well to try and get deeper than what anger management will be able to get to.

 

Here is my story. I was very abusive to my wife. I was controlling, sexually, mentally, and emotionally abusive to her. I never noticed I was doing all of these things. She always just told me I have anger issues, until we split up this time. And the final straw was we were both drunk and we got into a blow out arguement about me finding some love letters from another guy. She slapped me a few times and I finally did the worse of them all I hit her. And I am so ashamed of myself I can barely look at myself in the mirror. And she packed up and left for the second time in this marriage yesterday. But we have separated living together sense November 22. And its been a rough month because of my emotional ups and downs. And my constant questions. I asked if we could be able to reconcile and she said "I love you and would have stuck anything out with you but I dont know if I could ever look at you the same way again. I can't be with a man like you. but you never know what the future will bring". But as of right now she is done and dating this new guy. She hasn't filed for divorce yet, and tells me she want to be my friend because she still needs me in her life.

 

I'm sure I will be bash by many of you. And I deserve to hear all of it. But here are my questions. Have anyone on here ever had something like this happen to you and actually seen a true change in the person and reconciled? If so how long did it take for the resentment to fade? How long did you take you to see a really change in that person?

 

We have two children together and I would like them to have the best upbringing that we could possibly provide for them. And I do love her with all my heart and will to give her the world. But I know I have to fix myself for myself.

Edited December 29, 2012 by ataloss8270
misspelling

[alexandria35]

You're right. It was very wrong to hit your wife. That should never happen and there are no excuses for it. I'm glad you understand that and that you are seeking help. Hopefully you are doing it for yourself because if you are only getting treatment in the hopes of winning your wife back then you will not be succesful. You have to commit to getting better no matter what your wife is doing.

 

As for reconcillation with your wife, that is much more complicated because it doesn't sound like you're the only problem here. Why did she have love letters from another man? Were they from the same guy she is seeing now? Was she physically or emotionally cheating on you? Why was she slapping you? Is she abusive too? Lastly why were you both drunk? Are one or both of you often drunk? Sorry for all the questions but it's like there is a lot more to the story and it sounds like your wife has some issues too. You won't be able to successfully reconcile with her unless you are both willing to do a lot of work on yourselves and your marriage and it doesn't sound like she wants to do that right now. I think you should focus on making yourself a better person and perhaps when she sees some positive changes in you she will become interested in saving the marriage. However if you have always been controlling and sexually, mentally and emotionally abusive towards her then you will not be changing over night. This is going to take some time so back off of your wife for now and focus on yourself.

[todreaminblue]

I am going to admit I am an abuser on my way to change. I have enrolled myself into anger management for the second time, and this time I am in therapy as well to try and get deeper than what anger management will be able to get to.

 

Here is my story. I was very abusive to my wife. I was controlling, sexually, mentally, and emotionally abusive to her. I never noticed I was doing all of these things. She always just told me I have anger issues, until we split up this time. And the final straw was we were both drunk and we got into a blow out arguement about me finding some love letters from another guy. She slapped me a few times and I finally did the worse of them all I hit her. And I am so ashamed of myself I can barely look at myself in the mirror. And she packed up and left for the second time in this marriage yesterday. But we have separated living together sense November 22. And its been a rough month because of my emotional ups and downs. And my constant questions. I asked if we could be able to reconcile and she said "I love you and would have stuck anything out with you but I dont know if I could ever look at you the same way again. I can't be with a man like you. but you never know what the future will bring". But as of right now she is done and dating this new guy. She hasn't filed for divorce yet, and tells me she want to be my friend because she still needs me in her life.

 

I'm sure I will be bash by many of you. And I deserve to hear all of it. But here are my questions. Have anyone on here ever had something like this happen to you and actually seen a true change in the person and reconciled? If so how long did it take for the resentment to fade? How long did you take you to see a really change in that person?

 

We have two children together and I would like them to have the best upbringing that we could possibly provide for them. And I do love her with all my heart and will to give her the world. But I know I have to fix myself for myself.

 

Congratulations on making a change, its hard to admit to being abusive and its a big step for most men to make, unfortunately its going to be a battle for you, you definately as the first poster sadi need to prioritize getting better, been a bit down and your post actually did make me smile...i see you hoping there for change.........

 

 

 

i feel and coming from a good place ill write this.....

 

 

abuse when it happens, for what ever reason, scars, and the people who dont show the scars as readily emotionally, are children, they are naturally overwhelmed by seeing abuse and remain silent, it comes out much later when they act up.......ptsd is a common occurrence among children who witness abuse not just cop abuse...not trying to lay blame here, but even if you feel the children havent seen it first hand they are in the battle line of cause and effect ....

 

 

 

they get to be around tension that is palpable without having the adult capability of understanding and comprehension of why that tension is there, they often blame themselves for it.......i would consider both your wife and yourself undertaking family therapy with the kids being the center of your thoughts and wishes for family reconciliation....a forum for your children to be open and honest with what they feel what they have seen and what they hope for the future....my children do not want me to be back with their father because it was a soul destroying relationship for me i am a forgiving person my children less so i dont think they have forgiven my ex, they are protective of me, one of them suffers from ptsd and still is in treatment.......this is six years on ....when they forgive him it will be for their benefit..i pray that they will forgive him...I have....and i know we will not get back together....i know he loves m e......but its not me he truly loves and it isnt enough

 

 

.it is possible to reconcile after abuse depending on how deep the damage was that was done...only you know that....you can be a stabilizing and positive influence on your kids, you already are by taking that first step ...the fact you mention them in your post even more so....whatever your wife has done that was wrong there is and never will be any right to be abusive, you walk away when you are angry, you come back when you can speak without repercussions of physical or mental abuse......

 

 

i also agree with the poster that your wife probably needs counseling too....a relationship to be reconciled takes two not one and you may do everything right, but if she isnt the type to work on issues that she has had in the past, your efforts will not reap reconciliation...work on you , talk to your wife about possible family therapy when you have developed rock solid strategies for anger management...if you dont reconcile, you have, in what you are doing, shown your children, that abuse is a no go zone, so that they may have relationships in the future that are safe for them and others that have relationships with them....i wish you much success in all you endeavor, and i hope that you achieve what is right and good for you and your family...good luck with you and yours..deb

Edited December 30, 2012 by todreaminblue

[ataloss8270]

You're right. It was very wrong to hit your wife. That should never happen and there are no excuses for it. I'm glad you understand that and that you are seeking help. Hopefully you are doing it for yourself because if you are only getting treatment in the hopes of winning your wife back then you will not be succesful. You have to commit to getting better no matter what your wife is doing.

 

As for reconcillation with your wife, that is much more complicated because it doesn't sound like you're the only problem here. Why did she have love letters from another man? Were they from the same guy she is seeing now? Was she physically or emotionally cheating on you? Why was she slapping you? Is she abusive too? Lastly why were you both drunk? Are one or both of you often drunk? Sorry for all the questions but it's like there is a lot more to the story and it sounds like your wife has some issues too. You won't be able to successfully reconcile with her unless you are both willing to do a lot of work on yourselves and your marriage and it doesn't sound like she wants to do that right now. I think you should focus on making yourself a better person and perhaps when she sees some positive changes in you she will become interested in saving the marriage. However if you have always been controlling and sexually, mentally and emotionally abusive towards her then you will not be changing over night. This is going to take some time so back off of your wife for now and focus on yourself.

 

We do not drink often, we only have a few drinks once or twice a month. We just had a lot to drink that night. I don't know why she had love letters from another guy, I feel she was lonely because we work different schedules and barely see one another. And she works with this guy almost every night. She tells me that they were just talking and never had sex. But only they know the truth and I probably never will even if we do work out. And yes this is the guy she is seeing now. But tells me they are not living together. I believe she is just using him right now to ease her heart. Because the day she left, she had a look on her face that said I don't really want to do this.

 

As for her, no she has never been abusive. She was slapping me telling me to get a grip on the situation, because she feels I was blowing it out of portion. She does have a lot of dark things in her closet from childhood that she has never told me. She even got mad at a therapist once because she doesn't understand why I need to know and stopped going and refuse to. Also refused to take her meds for being bi polar because she refuses to belieeve she is. She just thinks she depressed because she's unhappy with me. But I know what ever the things are they are very bad. Her mother was badly abused by many men, and has an addiction to men and is addicted to drugs. And I made a comment about this guy, and she actually said well that's just my mother in me. She has a hard time living in her own skin if she doesn't get the love she needs.

 

I don't believe I was that bad, but I'm not on the other side of me. I know I can be selfish at times but she is also very young, only 23 (I am 29) and feels that some of the things I did were controlling, when I was just concerned about her. Like when she would get out of work at 12am and then hang out with people until 5am and I'd wake up in the middle of the night no text or phone call saying she was going to be late and I would be worried and call her. She would say that, that was being controlling because she's a free spirt and can do what she wants. She grew up in a house that at 7 years old she could walk out the door and disappear for a couple of days and no one would notice, and has a hard time understanding that people worry about one another. Because she feels she can take care of herself. And we only had 2 nights a week together and when I would get upset because she would want to go out both nights, she would tell me that I'm trying to keep her from having friends and that I was controlling.

 

As for the other forms of abuse they were not sever but they were there as well. From what I haves read online about the different forms.

 

She has told me that I am a great man and father, I just have issues. I don't know if she just has some growing up to do to see that a lot of things I did weren't controlling, but just asking for a little respect. All I can do at this point is give her time and space. And keep working on myself. I know I am doing all this work for me and my kids, if me and my wife reconcile in the future will only be an added bonus to all of my hard work. I know I can't pressure her about how she feels for a long time, and I know she may never forgive me as well. But she feels the best thing for the kids is for us not to be together. I agree and disagree with her on that issue. Our kids are only 3 and 17 months. But I know I just need to man up, bit the bullet, understand that most of this is my fault and prepare myself for the long road for change. I understand she does love me and is only protecting herself from me and I have hard feeling towards her from doing so.

Edited December 30, 2012 by ataloss8270