my situation

[BetrayedH]

OM has texted me twice and sent one email asking me to meet him at least once for old times sake. I have not replied to any of them. He also called me an hour ago from private number. I just hung up. l feel that he is too restless and somehow its bothering me. I feel if I ever came face to face with him I won't be able to say anything and in fact I don't have anything to say other than what I have already texted him, I don't want him to talk me out. What should I do? What can I say to him so that he can stop bothering me? (Other than tell my H and his wife please)

 

Threaten to tell his W.

[vixee]

This happened just now. Had a text from him again, I replied (not sure if this was the right thing to do):

Me: I m not interested in keeping any kind of contact. Don't want to meet.

OM: Babes pls dont behave like this. talk to me just once

Me: No. And u stop it.

OM: I won't

Me: I will tell (his W name)

OM: Lets do that

 

I think I am out of options

[Steen719]

Call his bluff. Tell your H. Get it out in the open. Then the 2 of you tell his wife. If you truly do not want this to go further, you must do this. He sounds nutty enough to spill the beans and then you look like you were willingly keeping this secret (which you are).

 

At this point, you have not gone forward with an affair and you have the ability to stop this foolishness. Let it go further into secrecy and the end result cannot be good. You are asking for options other than this, but it should be obvious to you that this is your option. Buck up and do it.

[CantgetoveritNY]

This happened just now. Had a text from him again, I replied (not sure if this was the right thing to do):

Me: I m not interested in keeping any kind of contact. Don't want to meet.

OM: Babes pls dont behave like this. talk to me just once

Me: No. And u stop it.

OM: I won't

Me: I will tell (his W name)

OM: Lets do that

 

I think I am out of options

 

I warned you before. Old post by me: "I hope that does not happen to you but do NOT count on him going away quietly. There is no down side for him to keep knocking at your door."

 

I agree with the above post that if you don't tell your H and he finds out another way that it is going to be bad for you.

[vixee]

I don't expect an ounce of maturity ,understanding or support from H in this matter. He will get violent. I know how he reacts like a teenager in sensitive situations. He won't go with me to tell his W. Or forgive me thinking I am trying to get out of this mess! His focus will be on why I let this all happen in the first place. Not a good idea!

[2sunny]

The ones you ignore completely - tend to go away.

 

Keep feeding the dragon and it will grow bigger and have more power over you.

[vixee]

I don't have any communication after that text. I think he just texted that and is now thinking what if she really did tell my W! With every silence from his side I feel its all going to be quite now.

 

I will tell H when I am ready and strong enough for abuse and separation!

[BetrayedH]

The OM called your bluff and sadly, he was proven correct that it was just a bluff. Not sure why you think he will stop now.

 

If you want any hope of salvaging your M, your only real choice now is to out the unrelenting OM to his wife and then throw yourself on the mercy of your husband. Whether you believe it or not, the fact that you didn't have sex with the OM is likely to be a very important fact for your H. You should also know that about 80% of betrayed husbands do try to reconcile after Dday. As well, your odds of successfully reconciling double when the affair is voluntarily disclosed, rather than being discovered. As to abuse, I think this is the first you've mentioned such a possibility. Is there any history of physical abuse? If not, he's much more likely to be distraught about how to save his M. If you have voluntarily ended an EA by telling the OM's wife and then voluntarily disclosed to your H, you have dramatically increased your chances of reconciling with your H. If your OM discloses to your H, there may be no end to the drama.

 

As for separation, yep, that's a realistic possibility. Did you expect there would be no consequences to your emotional affair?

[vixee]

Good.

Keep it that way.

And when you feel your resolve slipping, come back for another whupping.

 

 

I want to send you a private message. But I think I do not have privileges to do that. How can I contact you?

[Darren Steez]

I don't expect an ounce of maturity ,understanding or support from H in this matter. He will get violent. I know how he reacts like a teenager in sensitive situations. He won't go with me to tell his W. Or forgive me thinking I am trying to get out of this mess! His focus will be on why I let this all happen in the first place. Not a good idea!

 

Yeah right So now your husband is some insensitive moron who won't understand and will get violent eh? This story gets better and better. Do continue, like to see where this is headed.

[vixee]

The OM called your bluff and sadly, he was proven correct that it was just a bluff. Not sure why you think he will stop now.

 

If you want any hope of salvaging your M, your only real choice now is to out the unrelenting OM to his wife and then throw yourself on the mercy of your husband. Whether you believe it or not, the fact that you didn't have sex with the OM is likely to be a very important fact for your H. You should also know that about 80% of betrayed husbands do try to reconcile after Dday. As well, your odds of successfully reconciling double when the affair is voluntarily disclosed, rather than being discovered. As to abuse, I think this is the first you've mentioned such a possibility. Is there any history of physical abuse? If not, he's much more likely to be distraught about how to save his M. If you have voluntarily ended an EA by telling the OM's wife and then voluntarily disclosed to your H, you have dramatically increased your chances of reconciling with your H. If your OM discloses to your H, there may be no end to the drama.

 

As for separation, yep, that's a realistic possibility. Did you expect there would be no consequences to your emotional affair?

 

 

I knew I will be separated but will be with OM until I started doubting his love. And started to doubt that he will leave his wife for me. He did used to say that lets see how we gel together and also that he thinks we will be together next xmas! The plan was that at some point we will call both spouses and disclose everything together! Then I found this forum and read stories for 2 days (alot of them) and concluded that I may need help and decided to end this affair. The reason I found this place was I was looking for a reason for my last paragraph in first post.

 

I am so exhausted telling everyone that it has to be some other option. H must not know, at least not while I am emotionally so weak.

[vixee]

Yeah right So now your husband is some insensitive moron who won't understand and will get violent eh? This story gets better and better. Do continue, like to see where this is headed.

 

Oh come on!! I guess I should stop posting here.

 

And as crazy as it sounds, H won't believe anything that anyone else says but if I told him he will be so mad! Physically/verbally abusive, could be any or both. But if any friend was in same situation he will be their number one support.

 

PS: I will appreciate if u didn't use bad words!

Edited January 2, 2013 by vixee

[Steen719]

Did I miss something??

 

Maybe I am nuts, but I could have sworn that when I read it the first time, she said "PS We don't use bad words."

 

My thought when I read it was that it was strange to be violent, but not use bad words. Maybe I just read it incorrectly.

 

I didn't see where anyone used bad words in any event, but it did get the topic on something else.

[BetrayedH]

I knew I will be separated but will be with OM until I started doubting his love. And started to doubt that he will leave his wife for me. He did used to say that lets see how we gel together and also that he thinks we will be together next xmas! The plan was that at some point we will call both spouses and disclose everything together! Then I found this forum and read stories for 2 days (alot of them) and concluded that I may need help and decided to end this affair. The reason I found this place was I was looking for a reason for my last paragraph in first post.

 

I am so exhausted telling everyone that it has to be some other option. H must not know, at least not while I am emotionally so weak.

 

I think it was wise to seek some counsel on affairs before getting any further into yours. As you've seen, your MM is no different than any of the others. His comment about "next Christmas" is absolutely comical. It buys him a full year of sex on the side with you while safely keeping his marriage and family completely unscathed. What a deal for him! As usual, the MM is the only one who wins. The fact is that he is exactly where he wants to be. He doesn't love you. He has quietly stalked you like prey for years now and he's about to close a very sweet deal for himself. What do you possibly get out of being his side piece for the next year? A man who loves a woman will move mountains to be with her.

 

So, you are learning how this crap works. It's ridiculously predictable to thosethat have studied it and almost laughable when we hear how "special" and "unique" the affair relationship is when we know that it is anything but unique.

 

The other concepts you are being told are equally true. You can deny those truths as long as you choose but it doesn't make them any less true. The real lesson you still need to learn is how to live an authentic life. All of this lying, scheming and double-life business takes an emotional toll which you're experiencing already and you haven't yet taken your affair physical. Imagine what kind of emotional state you will be in a year from now if you continue the double-life. Instead, I suggest living an authentic life where honesty is at the forefront. Stop the nonsense. I know you are tired of hearing about exposure as a solution and you insist that there "must be another option." Ok then, what is it? Seriously. Will you lie about this to your H for the rest of your days? Take it to the grave, as they say? Do you really expect you can have an intimate relationship with your H while lying to him forever? What will you have solved within your M? Will you just look for another affair with a man that "truly loves you?" The grass is not greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. And if it really is greener over there, it's likely on top of a septic tank.

[AbeNormal]

I think it was wise to seek some counsel on affairs before getting any further into yours. As you've seen, your MM is no different than any of the others. His comment about "next Christmas" is absolutely comical. It buys him a full year of sex on the side with you while safely keeping his marriage and family completely unscathed. What a deal for him! As usual, the MM is the only one who wins. The fact is that he is exactly where he wants to be. He doesn't love you. He has quietly stalked you like prey for years now and he's about to close a very sweet deal for himself. What do you possibly get out of being his side piece for the next year? A man who loves a woman will move mountains to be with her.

 

So, you are learning how this crap works. It's ridiculously predictable to thosethat have studied it and almost laughable when we hear how "special" and "unique" the affair relationship is when we know that it is anything but unique.

 

The other concepts you are being told are equally true. You can deny those truths as long as you choose but it doesn't make them any less true. The real lesson you still need to learn is how to live an authentic life. All of this lying, scheming and double-life business takes an emotional toll which you're experiencing already and you haven't yet taken your affair physical. Imagine what kind of emotional state you will be in a year from now if you continue the double-life. Instead, I suggest living an authentic life where honesty is at the forefront. Stop the nonsense. I know you are tired of hearing about exposure as a solution and you insist that there "must be another option." Ok then, what is it? Seriously. Will you lie about this to your H for the rest of your days? Take it to the grave, as they say? Do you really expect you can have an intimate relationship with your H while lying to him forever? What will you have solved within your M? Will you just look for another affair with a man that "truly loves you?" The grass is not greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. And if it really is greener over there, it's likely on top of a septic tank.

 

 

Wow. Bullseye.

 

vixee - I imagine that the "emotional noise" in your head makes it difficult to process much of what people are trying to tell you. Please read BetrayedH's post carefully - perhaps over and over again. I truly hope that you will come to know what "living an authentic life", in the sense that BetrayedH refers to above, means... Your life would be much richer and secure. You no doubt would find happiness there. Scary? Yes I am sure it is. But you need to face those fears NOW.

Edited January 3, 2013 by AbeNormal

[2.50 a gallon]

IIRC I gained IM privilages after 50 posts, however there might also be a certain time period, like a week or two.

[CantgetoveritNY]

If he finds out without you being the one to tell him he will never believe that you are telling the truth about that it was not sexual. If you tell him then he might believe you. So it occurs to me that maybe you are so afraid to tell your H b/c it did get physical.

[vixee]

If he finds out without you being the one to tell him he will never believe that you are telling the truth about that it was not sexual. If you tell him then he might believe you. So it occurs to me that maybe you are so afraid to tell your H b/c it did get physical.

 

Read post #25 and #26. Thanks.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Read post #25 and #26. Thanks.

 

I'm not saying you will deny having sex with the MM. Deny it here on LS or to your H. I'm just saying its not adding up that you are so afraid to tell him when not telling him could have him never believe you that there was no sex. If there was sex then it makes more sense that you can't tell him.

[vixee]

I'm not saying you will deny having sex with the MM. Deny it here on LS or to your H. I'm just saying its not adding up that you are so afraid to tell him when not telling him could have him never believe you that there was no sex. If there was sex then it makes more sense that you can't tell him.

 

You know I broke up with OM for no reason, we had no fight, no controversial arguments, I just changed my mind and broke up. I am trying to be strong and re-reading advises that helped me a few days ago. Honestly, I am not completely over him, and the effect of advices is wearing off. I felt TaraMaiden understood my sitaution and my emotions really well and she also said : "And when you feel your resolve slipping, come back for another whupping." I guess she knew I will be needing that!!

 

I miss this OM, I sometimes long to see him but keep on reminding myself that I have just saved myself from getting into a bigger mess than this. I must not be weak again!

 

So, given my current mind frame, plus the reaction that I expect from H. It is not a good idea that I tell H. I won't be able to stand all the argument and will have a hell of a time. I get that from everyone that for an 'authentic life' I should come clean.But I really want to get over him first. I will tell H, sooner or later.

 

But what will happen if H came to know from someone else?? I am not sure and I don't want to think about it. May be I will tell him what will feel right at that time.

[CantgetoveritNY]

You know I broke up with OM for no reason, we had no fight, no controversial arguments, I just changed my mind and broke up. I am trying to be strong and re-reading advises that helped me a few days ago. Honestly, I am not completely over him, and the effect of advices is wearing off. I felt TaraMaiden understood my sitaution and my emotions really well and she also said : "And when you feel your resolve slipping, come back for another whupping." I guess she knew I will be needing that!!

 

I miss this OM, I sometimes long to see him but keep on reminding myself that I have just saved myself from getting into a bigger mess than this. I must not be weak again!

 

So, given my current mind frame, plus the reaction that I expect from H. It is not a good idea that I tell H. I won't be able to stand all the argument and will have a hell of a time. I get that from everyone that for an 'authentic life' I should come clean.But I really want to get over him first. I will tell H, sooner or later.

 

But what will happen if H came to know from someone else?? I am not sure and I don't want to think about it. May be I will tell him what will feel right at that time.

 

I can see you are very tempted by the MM. I believe that you may eventually go to him and offer him what you both want. Sex.

 

Living an authentic life is a great esoteric reason to tell your H. But there are two far more practical reasons to tell your H.

 

First we already talked about telling him so that he will believe you never had sex. Believe me, I'm a guy, that will make a HUGE difference. If he can't believe you did not have sex with the MM then your life will be a whole lot worse than if he can. That one fact is more important than all the "feelings" and mushy love talk you ever had with the MM. The effect of all the non sexual stuff be 100% gone from your life at some point. If you had sex, of if H even thinks you did, your lives will never be the same. Not in a million years.

 

Reason number 2. You are tempted. MM is tempted. Telling your H will end that. H will tell MM's wife and MM's wife will see to it he never talks to you again. You will both be on high surveillance and won't be tempted any more. Even if you wanted talk to MM I'd bet everything that MM would throw you under the bus so fast your head would spin. It is so common. This guy is a player and if you let his WW know what is going on you will unfortunately see he does NOT love you and never did. Go for it and end the temptation.

[BetrayedH]

Meant gently, you almost seem to be paving the way to allowing yourself to move forward with the affair. It's as if this is the only way to save your suicidal husband. You are leaving the door open.

 

Want the door closed? The most certain way to close the door is to disclose to your H.

 

We hear this, "I'll do it...later, when I'm stronger" bit all the time. Then the poster is never heard from again. Even you, yourself, have threatened to stop posting here, as if this would somehow impact our lives. You would only be punishing yourself. We will still be here tomorrow and just helping someone else when you still need it.

 

The fact is that there is never going to be a good or easy time for you to tell this to your H. It's going to hurt and you will suffer consequences. What yu can count on is that the longer you wait, the more risky it becomes. I leaes the door open for you to resume your affair (which you have acknowledged is still a realistic problem) and you take the risk of your A being discovered instead of disclosed. You are making decisions with your emotions instead of making them with your head.

[vixee]

Fine. I have asked H I need to spend some time with him and have a chat, which is going to happen in an hour. I will tell him if he spends that 'promised' time with me. If he gives me work excuse then forget it!

[2sunny]

What do you intend to say if you have a chat with him?

[vixee]

Fine. I have asked H I need to spend some time with him and have a chat, which is going to happen in an hour. I will tell him if he spends that 'promised' time with me. If he gives me work excuse then forget it!

 

I sent this message as I got off from the phone. 3 of us (me, H & OM) work quite close. OM's W is a house wife. He is meeting me at coffee shop (where we normally meet if we have to catch up on anything) in just 50 mins!

Any advice on how should I go about telling him will be much appreciated. I will keep refreshing this page until then for anything helpful.

 

I am freaked out!!