Feeling really hurt right now

[Mme. Chaucer]

Not at all -- I do not villainize him. His behaviour was sh*tty and remains sh*tty (what he did before), and nothing is going to change that.

 

You not only trash talked (a WHOLE BUNCH) about his behavior - you did about who he IS as a human being as well. So him being a disgusting piece of crap is fine with you, as long as he's playing "relationship" with you … but as soon as reality hits, he'll be a "bad guy" again?

 

Your descriptions of his characteristics change drastically depending upon how he's fulfilling your fantasy of what kind of person he is and what kind of relationship you have with him. I don't think you have a clear picture of him as an individual guy at all.

 

I hope you'll be a stand-up adult woman this time, though, and forego the ranting and raving about what a sh**head he is when you're face to face, once again, with the reality that you don't have a "relationship" going on here. You're signing up for exactly what you have always received. There is no "giving one more chance" for a person to be a different person than they were yesterday. It's not part of real life.

 

I really am sorry to speak harshly, but I have no patience or compassion left for someone who volunteers for something numerous times and then complains vociferously about it. I don't think that someone who loves someone else ought to speak so horribly about them, either.

[NoMoreJerks]

No.

Not going to get drawn into this.

 

I can recognise a "Just wasting my breath " scenario when I see it.

You made an accusation/claim, so it is up to you to support it -- or otherwise take it back....

[Mme. Chaucer]

You made an accusation/claim, so it is up to you to support it -- or otherwise take it back....

 

Now you're joking, right? If you've forgotten all the terrible things you've said about him, READ YOUR OWN MOUNTAIN OF POSTS. They are all here; we've read them and you wrote them.

[Toddbt12y1]

I know he is a manipulator. He has manipulated me before, and he may be doing that now too. But just because someone manipulated before doesn't mean he will always manipulate you. You want me to treat him as they treated the way who cried wolf. Fine, I get it. But the moral of the story is that not every time that the boy cried wolf was he really lying.

 

What was the price of his constant lying though?

 

Think about it.

 

Nomore. Do as you see fit.

 

The wolf will be there to devour you.

[NoMoreJerks]

You not only trash talked (a WHOLE BUNCH) about his behavior - you did about who he IS as a human being as well. So him being a disgusting piece of crap is fine with you, as long as he's playing "relationship" with you … but as soon as reality hits, he'll be a "bad guy" again?

How did you arrive to the conclusion that him being a disgusting piece of crap is fine with me? Like I said, if he continues to be a disgusting piece of crap, I'm walking out just as I walked out before. Unlike you, I don't rubberstamp people and never look back. I realize that people make mistakes, might have unresolved baggage/issues, that they need to work on. As long as he is willing to work on those issues and change his behaviour, I am willing to be in a relationship with him.

 

Your descriptions of his characteristics change drastically depending upon how he's fulfilling your fantasy of what kind of person he is and what kind of relationship you have with him. I don't think you have a clear picture of him as an individual guy at all.

Point to me where I have said, since my last break-up until now, that he is a great person that has never treated me like sh*t / can never do so?

 

I really am sorry to speak harshly, but I have no patience or compassion left for someone who volunteers for something numerous times and then complains vociferously about it. I don't think that someone who loves someone else ought to speak so horribly about them, either.

I don't need your sympathy or compassion. You do not have to read my threads/posts. Simply put me on ignore if you find it so irritating. Yes, I am outspoken -- I express my feelings without reserve. If that bothers you, you need to seek therapy. I do not intend to keep up my feelings about this guy when he dumped me or now that we're back together, bottled up just because some person online has trouble feeling compassion.

[NoMoreJerks]

Now you're joking, right? If you've forgotten all the terrible things you've said about him, READ YOUR OWN MOUNTAIN OF POSTS. They are all here; we've read them and you wrote them.

And where exactly did I retract those things? How exactly am I villainizing him without any basis in fact/reality, when I did not take back how I felt about what he did/said to me, and what that makes him?

[Mme. Chaucer]

So … this whole "getting back together" (into a a situation that has been described by HIM as basically casual FWB) all happened via texts?

[NoMoreJerks]

I really think that some people on here just take immense satisfaction in hitting people over the head -- because that makes them feel good about themselves: they want their predictions to be correct, if only for the satisfaction of saying "I told you so." That is a horrible thing to wish for, but several people here do give out that vibe. People come here for advice and support. They do not have to adhere to the advice you give them -- that is not one of the conditions of continuing to post on this site. Advice that is given with good intentions has to be unconditional. Otherwise it's just a game of ego that you are playing. I give out advice to people, too, but I don't get upset if they do not follow it. I completely understand the desire to go against the advice given out. We all gotta do what we gotta do, what our heart tells us to do. Unlike you, some people are not total cowards and are willing to take risks for people they care about, even if they turn out to be wrong about whether or not their love was reciprocated or whether or not it was all worth it. You want to turn love and relationships into mathematics and equations that allow you to predict the results. Good luck with that. I am putting some people on ignore, simply because some of the stuff being written here is tantamount to verbal and emotional abuse. Look into your own behaviour and ask yourself why YOU are abusing someone else online, what that tells you about YOURSELF.

[NoMoreJerks]

So … this whole "getting back together" (into a a situation that has been described by HIM as basically casual FWB) all happened via texts?

If you had bothered to read the posts I wrote, you would've known the answer to that. But as usual, you jump into emotional abuse mode with me, before even reading 10% of my posts. I am done with you. I do not need any more emotional/ verbal abuse.

[Mme. Chaucer]

If you had bothered to read the posts I wrote, you would've known the answer to that. But as usual, you jump into emotional abuse mode with me, before even reading 10% of my posts. I am done with you. I do not need any more emotional/ verbal abuse.

 

I have read all your posts, and I have been very supportive of you many times, when you seemed inclined to do right by yourself. I do agree that I have been hitting you over the head. I have kind of a hot button about people who put themselves in a position of "victim" and then cry about being a victim.

 

Acceptance is key. Accept that this person as he is. NOW.

 

Anyway, I do NOT wish you ill or hope that my predictions are correct. I DO wish for you that you will become healthy and happy one day.

[Anela]

I know it can feel like people are just picking on you, but they're concerned about you after reading everything you wrote about him before, and the way he affected you.

 

I've been in that place where I'm hoping for something different this time - it just got worse rather than better. I feel sick over the fact that I didn't think enough of myself to just not ever speak to him again; I was in a vulnerable position, and all of that only served to make me more vulnerable - to doubt myself even more, whilst he was off falling in love (something I could have been doing, had I just cut contact and kept it that way, when I realized that I was actually feeling *free*). I'm pissed. '

 

I hope things work out for you, but I'm afraid that they won't with this guy.

[iouaname]

But the moral of the story is that not every time that the boy cried wolf was he really lying.

 

Actually, that's not the moral of that story...

 

Regardless - I'm not going to judge you for your decision, I just think that you should tread carefully. I don't know this man or your relationship, but it seems that he's developed a pattern with this and I'm concerned that you're jumping into it far too fast and could be erasing a month+ of work and learning.

[suladas]

I really think that some people on here just take immense satisfaction in hitting people over the head -- because that makes them feel good about themselves: they want their predictions to be correct, if only for the satisfaction of saying "I told you so." That is a horrible thing to wish for, but several people here do give out that vibe. People come here for advice and support. They do not have to adhere to the advice you give them -- that is not one of the conditions of continuing to post on this site. Advice that is given with good intentions has to be unconditional. Otherwise it's just a game of ego that you are playing. I give out advice to people, too, but I don't get upset if they do not follow it. I completely understand the desire to go against the advice given out. We all gotta do what we gotta do, what our heart tells us to do. Unlike you, some people are not total cowards and are willing to take risks for people they care about, even if they turn out to be wrong about whether or not their love was reciprocated or whether or not it was all worth it. You want to turn love and relationships into mathematics and equations that allow you to predict the results. Good luck with that. I am putting some people on ignore, simply because some of the stuff being written here is tantamount to verbal and emotional abuse. Look into your own behaviour and ask yourself why YOU are abusing someone else online, what that tells you about YOURSELF.

 

I doubt anyone posting here wishes you anything but the best, that is the reason why people are being so blunt about it now because they are so sure you are going to end up hurt yet again. It's also worse because of the degree of hurt you are risking, it's not like the normal telling people to not contact their ex, what you're doing is a lot more of a risk. And because it's the third time.

 

Just because you love him isn't a reason to be with him, you can love someone and know it's not a good idea to be with them.

 

Also I must say in the time I have been here I have never seen someone do such a 180, especially in such a short amount of time. If you at least just started talking to him and maybe in a few months decieded he's acting different then considering trying things again it would be different. Not in just a few hours.

 

Let me ask you this, would you let him read everything you wrote about him here? Would you tell him everything bad you thought about him?

 

I really do wish you happiness, but i'm extremely skeptical you will find it with him. And no, I didn't get any satisfaction on being right on my prediction before, I didn't want to be right. But I know you are thinking with your heart and not your head right now.

[NoMoreJerks]

Actually, that's not the moral of that story...

 

Regardless - I'm not going to judge you for your decision, I just think that you should tread carefully. I don't know this man or your relationship, but it seems that he's developed a pattern with this and I'm concerned that you're jumping into it far too fast and could be erasing a month+ of work and learning.

The moral of the story HERE, as far as that example relates to my bf having manipulated me in the past.

[NoMoreJerks]

Suladas -- I will be very blunt: I suggest you come off your high horse and stop being so bitter that things did not work out for you like they have for others.

 

As I said, advice should be unconditional, if it is given with good intentions.

 

I do not come here to receive a beating. I come here for advice. And believe it or not, there is a huge difference between getting advice and being verbally and emotionally abused. I will not accept this sh*tty treatment masquerading as "advice." Now I would kindly ask you to refrain from posting in this thread again, or I might have to put you on ignore too -- and I don't want to do that, really.

 

Anyway, I cannot babysit a bunch of abusive children -- I am off to continue working on my dissertation.

[MrNate 2.0]

I think one of the best things to realize here is that some things we learn best own our own. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

Sure, I think in the end, we all reach the same conclusion. But the means of getting their can vary quite a lot.

 

At least that's what I learned. I'm growing up way too damn fast.

[Mavrick009]

Depression is difficult. Break ups are difficult. Life is not a walk in the park for any of us. I sympathize with what Amelie1980 is going through, but it isn't enough to want to get better or wish you weren't depressed. You have to fight.

 

There's a quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer that I have written on my phone (dorky, I know, but it helps re-wire my mind when I'm having a rough time): "Life isn't bliss. Life is just this. It's living. You'll get along. The pain that you feel can only be healed by living. You have to go on living... Strong is fighting. It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do."

Actually, just read the signature quotes. I thought they conveyed conceptually a similar mindset to help you progress.

[Mavrick009]

Where's that brick wall...?

 

I need to repeatedly bang my head.

 

Hard.

I thought that wall went down from the living room with the sledgham...err... "handle-fists of WTF-pissed-off-ness"

[suladas]

Suladas -- I will be very blunt: I suggest you come off your high horse and stop being so bitter that things did not work out for you like they have for others.

 

As I said, advice should be unconditional, if it is given with good intentions.

 

I do not come here to receive a beating. I come here for advice. And believe it or not, there is a huge difference between getting advice and being verbally and emotionally abused. I will not accept this sh*tty treatment masquerading as "advice." Now I would kindly ask you to refrain from posting in this thread again, or I might have to put you on ignore too -- and I don't want to do that, really.

 

Anyway, I cannot babysit a bunch of abusive children -- I am off to continue working on my dissertation.

 

I am sorry you see it that way, and I do apologize for coming off that way I do not have that intention. I really do wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

[NoMoreJerks]

I'm sorry I was a bit rude -- I do appreciate the advice, but some of the comments were bordering on the abusive.

[na49]

I think if anything we all want you to proceed with caution because everything I've read about second chances have ended horribly. If you believe he's changed, then why does it matter what we think? We don't know him like you know him. I'll be honest. I haven't read your whole thread or the past few pages so you don't have to answer this if you don't want to. but are you guys together now or not?

[NoMoreJerks]

I think if anything we all want you to proceed with caution because everything I've read about second chances have ended horribly. If you believe he's changed, then why does it matter what we think? We don't know him like you know him. I'll be honest. I haven't read your whole thread or the past few pages so you don't have to answer this if you don't want to. but are you guys together now or not?

We are back together yes. So far so good. Everything is going great, and he is very attentive, sweet, loving -- calls me every day, talks on Skype for hours every day since we got back together 2 days ago. I have also been keeping busy, so I haven't been overly needy / texting him all the time, and I encouraged him to go out and hang out with his mates from work. We are planning on doing things and going lots of places when he comes to visit me in April. He said he will book the flight as soon as he gets back home mid-February. Suggested that we go on a road trip together, etc. Which is exactly the kind of stuff I wanna do with him. I want it to be exciting and fun , not boring like it used to be , with us sitting at home all weekend, watching TV. I know there is a place and time for that, but sometimes we need to do other things, and I think he realizes that I need that, and that we didn't get to do that last time he was here. It may have been due to the fact that he was working every day (except for weekends) and needed to just stay in over the weekends cos he was dead tired. To a certain extent I enjoyed that, especially that we used to go grab breakfast together, then come back home, and play network games together on our laptops, etc. It was fun. But I need to go out sometimes, go see new places, or just walk around town. We might go on a road trip around Canada when he comes back. He hasn't been around the country, and I wanna take him to Toronto. We might rent a car and go there, and stay at a hotel there. Will be nice. I can't wait. He also opened up a lot to me, about his past. We shared pictures of our childhood, stuff about our families, etc. This is a guy who was scared of even taking more than 1 picture of us together. He didn't want me to take more pics of us together -- he said, what for, we already have one.... Now? I sense that it will be different.

 

We'll see. I am trying not to get too carried away. It's all good. I am busy and will be busy until April, so it's good. I need to keep busy, because I am the type that can get too lost in the relationship to live her own life..

Edited January 29, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Mavrick009]

Sounds like you are being "positive but cautious". I can only hope this keeps working towards your benefit, so stay vigilant. (especially in light of your previous posts...) Good luck and be well.

[NoMoreJerks]

Just an update, things have been going well so far.

 

We talk almost every day. We didn't talk yesterday, but we texted a few times. Not as much as in the past. I am trying to cut back on texting, so as not to make him feel suffocated. And it's more spontaneous than routine texting in the mornings, etc.

 

We didn't talk yesterday, as I said, and he said he was going to go out for drinks tonight, so he wasn't going to talk on the phone/skype tonight either, but about an hour after I told him to have a good time (via text), he called me. He said he had just had dinner, and was gonna go out for drinks in a bit. Asked me what I was up to -- I said I was working, and he was curious what I was working on (first time ever, that he asks me -- in the past he always talked about his work). I talked about my work for a bit, and he was very supportive. :love: And he said take a break, go out and have some drinks, go out with friends, etc. Said that we'll be going out for drinks together very soon. He was so sweet.

 

Fingers crossed. It's going really well.

 

The fact that I had other stuff to worry about -- a deadline coming up -- made me not over-analyze things, like why he didn't wanna talk to me on Friday and today, etc. Being idle really does harm sometimes.

Edited February 3, 2013 by NoMoreJerks