3 months ago..

[Sylar]

3 months ago, I made a mistake.

 

I betrayed my girlfriend of 5 and a half years, with a girl she had a problem with for almost all of our relationship.

 

I went out for a work drink, and ended up kissing this girl.

 

To cut a long long story short. We were on the rocks, we struggled to get along and the whole time I felt pressured because my girl wanted to progress. (We have a 3.5 year old daughter). She wanted more kids, I didn't yet, she was technically living away from me, although I spent most of my time there.

 

Anyways. We were drifting apart and I had always been friends with this othe girl. I used to see her all the time, but in the last year it had been twice.

 

We kissed, she went home, I stayed at a mates. I went back to my Gf, and we split about another argument we had, and then I told her what happened.

 

She wanted me back. Desperately. I wanted nothing.

 

I saw the other girl a couple more times, and she stopped it all. She had been through a breakup from a long term relationship, and I was destroying mine. Good call really. (I don't know if it matters, but we never did anything more than kiss)

 

We barely talk these days. That's fine with me.

 

So, during all this, I was obviously still seeing my daughter, and my ex was wanting me back. I said I wasn't ready and that it looked bleak.

 

Now, I've changed my mind. I had a few days away from her, and I had people ask me what I was doing.. I had no clue. I had been throwing it all away for absolutely no reason.

 

I've told her that I want her back. And she has basically changed her mind.

 

I've asked her if it is over, and I just get "I dunno".

 

She has completely changed as well. I'm now having my daughter more and more so that she can go out. She's slowly distancing herself from me, and I'm scared that I'm going to lose her.

 

I could never bare the thought of being friends.. I regret every second for what I did. And if I could take it all back I would in a heartbeat. I realised that the girl of my dreams was the girl I was with, and that I've destroyed my family for a stupid kiss.

 

We had a relatively good Christmas, we seemed to be making progress, we move forward a step and then she takes 5 steps back.

 

There is so much more I could say, I just don't know how.

 

I believe her fears are that I only want her back cause it didn't work with the other girl. Which is wrong. I always doubted myself.

 

I don't know if anyone can help. I don't mind if you're blunt. I'm completely at a loss so I'll listen to anything..

 

Many thanks in advance. Also, this is probably all jumbled up, if there is anything else you want to know just ask.

 

Sylar.

 

Please help me, I've told her that I'm not afraid anymore, I want why she wants, and I'd never make the mistake of hurting her again.

It's 4:30am and I've been up crying most of the night, this is still as painful as the day I realised she didn't want me back..

[GSB81]

This is karma. You remained friends with a girl your girlfriend had a problem with? Bad idea. You rejected her so much that you killed whatever she had for you. Take your lumps like a man, it's all you can do.

[Darren Steez]

Haven't we all done it at some point or another?

 

It's a basic truth, show disrespect long enough and the other person loses respect for you...or the other one, I've got lots of options so you ignore the one at home, don't show her love, don't care.

 

The only time you wake up...is when she stops being clingy, me thinks she did a 180 on you and you "suddenly" realized" what you wanted..or maybe other options gone now the one at home is ignoring me and I want her back!

 

180 or she's just realized she doesn't want to be with a man that would cheat on her with someone she clearly didn't like, refused to commit to her, that's on her. You can either continue to be there and win her back or just let her go.

[Sylar]

I think I've had the same argument from her. But I always loved her, I was just too much of a girl to commit.

 

Now I think she's scared. She says its not what I did, just who it was with. That's the only thing holding her back.

 

I've cut all ties with this girl. No calls, no texts, we work for the same company, but that's where it ends. She works in a different area, at a completely different time.

 

I need my ex back. It's destroying me, and my daughter.

At 3 and a half years, she's still very understanding.. She knows more than she lets on.

 

I want it all back.. I've just been so wrong..

 

Thanks for the replies..

[Sylar]

Well.. We had a heart to heart tonight.. And it's over..

 

Am I the only one asking why? It was a kiss, and a breakup that I've regretted like crazy..

 

She knows I'm deeply in love with her. I'd do anything for her, she just said she wants to be on her own. :-(

 

I'm going to struggle with this for a long long time.. We had never had a real argument before this. 5.5 years wasted. And now a daughter that I barely saw before I was almost living with her, back to seeing her once or twice a week..

 

If anyone is thinking of cheating, or even if you aren't (I never ever planned anything) my advice to you is don't. Make sure you know what you're doing, make sure the repercussions are worth it, and make sure that you know what you will lose. Because you will.

 

I've lost the biggest part of my life, the mother of my child, and I'll never forgive myself for what I did.

 

I can only hope that she see's sense. Realises that I'm a fool, and lets me just at least try again..

 

I don't have anybody else to talk to.. I gave all my friends up for this girl..

 

What a way to welcome the new year..

[GSB81]

Sorry to hear it dude.

[NoMagicBullet]

I know you are in a really bad place right now, and I don't want to kick you while you're down, but I have to point out a few things here. I hope you can accept it as some "tough love" from a stranger who would like for you to get to a better place and be a better person one day.

 

I notice in your posts how you talk about what you've lost, what you need, how you weren't ready... it's about you, you, you. You admit that you messed up, and that's good, but you don't seem to appreciate just how badly you've hurt your ex and the pain you caused her and by extension, your child. Your remorse seems to be for your own losses and not real grief over hurting someone you supposedly love. You're too wrapped up in yourself and have been for sometime.

 

Your ex has seen sense... she's finally accepted that you are too selfish and walked away. For 5+ years, you would not commit to her, not get serious about creating a stable family and planning for the future. You were too busy thinking about yourself. Then you betray her by giving affection to someone she couldn't stand -- she's not scared, she's angry. Betrayed, angry, hurt, and likely sad that she spent so much time trying to make the relationship work while you jacked around with "I don't know...." The time she spent with you was time she could have spent with another man who wanted to commit to her and have a family. Where is your empathy for what she has lost and sacrificed being with you?

 

Sylar, I think some therapy or counseling would serve you well. First, because this is a really rough thing you are going through and it will help to talk to someone who's job is to help you without judgement. Second, because you need to learn how to navigate the relationship with your ex & your child post-breakup, and that's tough to do and do well. Third, if you are ever going to have a good relationship with anyone, you have to stop thinking about yourself or "me and my girlfriend" and start thinking of "we". A therapist can help you with all of those things.

 

Do not continue to pursue getting together again with your ex. You are not at the point where you can truly put the relationship and your would-have-been family first. Work on yourself and get better.

[Sylar]

Well.. wow.

 

I actually think you've gone in for the kill with that post..

 

To be fair, it's 99% perfect!

 

I had thought about what I have done, and I am so unbelieveably remorseful. I care about what I have done to her in the worst way. To be fair, yes, what I have written so far revolves entirely around the "me" and not "we". But I was asking advice for myself.

 

I agree wholeheartedly that I need help. I have an appointment with the docs on the 14th jan. I did ask her to come with me. I want to prove to her that I was completely set on the "we" being the preferred term.

 

The thing is, I was commitsd, I never strayed before (and for the record, I made a promise to myself I'd never think about straying again!) I just didn't say it. I know now that I should have. I was with her through thick and thin, family trouble (her family) and everything, I lavished her with gifts, not because I was guilty, but because I did love her.

 

It's sad, and it's terrible defence, but she had me whipped, she said jump, I'd ask how high.

 

I didn't want her to feel that I was to be taken for granted.

 

The other girl was just simply a friend. There was attraction many many years ago, long before my ex was around. We basically used eachother as an outlet. We each had no common friends, we could vent, we could chat ****, we basically talked about anything. If I could have a guy mate who was the same, I'd count myself blessed.

 

I can't reiterate enough that I would put anyone else before myself. I always have and I always will. I'm not a mug, and I don't let people take the piss, but if I saw someone in need, I'd be the first there t do what I could to assist.

 

I really cannot understand how you managed to write that.. It is epic. I'm going to PM you if you don't mind, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the post you made..

 

Sylar.

[Sylar]

It appears that I cannot send messages to you. But honestly, I really thank you.

 

Please stay in contact, for the fact that you've written back with such precision, from what I can only say is a small post, means a whole lot. I also feel that your words have not ended with that, and I eagerly await a reply.

 

Truly stunned,

 

Sylar.

 

Ps, I may sound really sarcastic, but I do not mean to be!

[NoMagicBullet]

Last time I checked, you had to have made about 50 posts on LS before you can PM.

 

Well.. wow.

 

I actually think you've gone in for the kill with that post..

 

To be fair, it's 99% perfect!

 

I had thought about what I have done, and I am so unbelieveably remorseful. I care about what I have done to her in the worst way. To be fair, yes, what I have written so far revolves entirely around the "me" and not "we". But I was asking advice for myself.

 

I agree wholeheartedly that I need help. I have an appointment with the docs on the 14th jan. I did ask her to come with me. I want to prove to her that I was completely set on the "we" being the preferred term.

 

The thing is, I was commitsd, I never strayed before (and for the record, I made a promise to myself I'd never think about straying again!) I just didn't say it. I know now that I should have. I was with her through thick and thin, family trouble (her family) and everything, I lavished her with gifts, not because I was guilty, but because I did love her.

 

It's sad, and it's terrible defence, but she had me whipped, she said jump, I'd ask how high.

 

I didn't want her to feel that I was to be taken for granted.

 

The other girl was just simply a friend. There was attraction many many years ago, long before my ex was around. We basically used eachother as an outlet. We each had no common friends, we could vent, we could chat ****, we basically talked about anything. If I could have a guy mate who was the same, I'd count myself blessed.

 

I can't reiterate enough that I would put anyone else before myself. I always have and I always will. I'm not a mug, and I don't let people take the piss, but if I saw someone in need, I'd be the first there t do what I could to assist.

 

I really cannot understand how you managed to write that.. It is epic. I'm going to PM you if you don't mind, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the post you made..

 

Sylar.

 

Well, I surely wasn't trying to off you like a cheetah after a wildebeest, but I try to see past the obvious and aim for what could be some underlying issues that are going unnoticed. I had no idea it was epic, though! I'll take that as high praise.

 

I'm glad you've got appointments for counseling. If your gf participates, maybe things can be salavaged, but regardless, use that time to help you get to a better place. I would never have guessed you did a lot for your gf like that, but the additional info you've given does make things a bit clearer. (Do be open with the counselor about all this stuff -- they'll need to know this and a lot more to really help you.)

 

Seems like in being so devoted to your gf, maybe overly so, you felt like you kind of lost yourself and began acting out. You mention being whipped, and that idea right there is a relationship killer. But I have to ask -- was the idea that you were whipped an idea that you thought of yourself, or did you have family, friends, or acquaintances suggest that and then you started wondering if it was true? Think carefully about that one.

 

You said you gave up friends for your gf... why was that? I could see that a committment-oriented gf would not be readily accepted by a bunch of bachelors who wanted their friend to remain that way (and that maybe the "whipped" idea originated there). However, I can't rule out that as much as you love your gf, maybe she has some personality or other issues to work on if it came down to her versus all your friends. I can't rule out the possibility that maybe your gf actually isn't the best person for you to be with -- but I can't rule out the possibility that she may be perfect for you either. Stuff to ponder, perhaps with the counser's help in an individual session (i.e. your gf not present).

 

With the history of you and the OW -- now I understand why your gf doesn't want her around. Opposite sex friendships are a relationship minefield, and you say there was attraction many years ago. Your gf rightly believes that attraction is not dead if you're locking lips with her. Did you ever have sex with the OW at any time over the years you've know her? Who held the most attraction and why didn't it work out? How supportive had the OW been of your relationship with your gf? Did the OW ever suggest you were "whipped"? Could the OW want you for herself or for some reason want your relationship with your gf to fail? More stuff to think about.

 

To me, it looks like there are two areas of problems here. Area 1: the internal -- your feelings of being taken for granted by your gf, which is a very valid and realistic concern, and needing to address that in a more positive way than kissing other women. The counselor should definitely be able to help you understand what your feeling and healthy ways of working with those feelings and managing your relationships. You may tend to overgive, and when it becomes too much for you, perhaps back off or disappear, but the counselor can tell you better if that's a problem you should work on. Anyway, the internal is all very much within your control to fix or improve. Do be happy about that!

 

Because the other problem area I see is not within your control so much: the external -- all the people you are dealing with. I can't know who everyone is and what their personailties and motives really are, and as much as you know them (or think you do), they may have needs, wants, or agendas that are not in your best interests. Or maybe they just have divided themselves into opposite camps and you are caught in the middle of a conflict. Hard to say, but I suspect that the messages you get from these different corners is feeding some of the internal things you are experiencing. Again, something you may be able to sort out with the assistance of the counselor. You can't change anyone else, but you can change how you percieve people and how you choose to interact with them.

 

So I've asked a lot of questions here, but they're mainly to get you thinking about the situation and considering things you may not have thought of. You don't have to answer any of them here if you don't want to. Hopefully those questions will help you get in the right frame of mind to be thinking about things and being able to discuss what's been going on with the counselor.

 

I hope this latest reply has helped. I'm not usually on LS every day, but I will try to check in on this thread regularly until you are able to use PM here. Hang in there -- things may not turn out how you'd like right now, or how you expect, but whatever happens, you now have an opportunity to make things better.

[Survivor12]

Just some food for thought...When you keep saying, "but it was only a kiss", you are minimizing her feelings of betrayal. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. How would you feel if someone put a dagger in your back and then said, "Oh, stop bleeding, it wasn't THAT bad."

 

Then, to add insult to injury, the kiss was with someone that you KNEW she disliked. You see, it is about MORE than the kiss. You knew how your gf felt about this other woman and you saw nothing wrong with going out with her, again minimizing it by calling it a "work drink". I call BS...and so did your gf.

 

What I'm trying to get you to see is that by minimizing what you did, you are completely ignoring the impact. When you do that, you what you are saying is that you knowingly hurt her not over something "important" but on a whim. You are also telling her that at that moment, you were only thinking of yourself & not considering her feelings at all.

 

You see, that's the problem. When you love someone, consideration for how your actions will affect them becomes inherent in your decision making process. That doesn't mean that you must ignore your own needs and desires but you weigh the importance against those of your partner's. In your case, not only did you go out with someone you knew your gf doesn't like (ignoring her feelings) and then kiss her (betrayal), but you respond to her being upset by telling her that you did it over something unimportant and that you weren't even thinking of her!

 

Frankly, it doesn't sound as though you care as much about your ex as you think you do. I'm not saying that you don't have feelings for her (how she makes YOU feel) but you don't seem to care much about HER (what SHE feels). Until you can see and understand the difference, it would be best not to try to change her mind 'cause chances are, you'll only end up alienating her further.

[Sylar]

Hello, just to defend the "work drink". It was. There were a few of us there with pics to prove. It was to send off my manager who was moving to a different department.

 

In regards the other woman. We had been friends for.. Nearly 7 years through work. Always went out and had a laugh etc, long before my Gf ever arrived on the scene. There had never been anything between us, and that night and one other it was just a kiss. Nothing more.

 

The whipped remark was said by friends and family. And I agree. But I'm fine with that. It's a small price to pay to have the woman I love. To be fair, I'm a crap decision maker really anyway (could you guess??) so I was happy. And she was happy. There's no doubt about it.

 

Granted, I do keep saying "it was only a kiss" but I look at it from the only point of view I truly know, and that is mine. I know is have flipped if she did it to me, but, I also know I have forgiveness. It would take time, granted, to get the complete trust back. But if she had told me she had done something like that, I'd respect her so much more for being honest with me. That's why I told her. Because I couldn't knowingly lie to her. At the time we weren't at our best, but I never lost all sense of admiration for her.

 

It was a mistake. And if I could turn back the clock, I would, at almost any price.

 

Thankyou for the continued replies, sorry this didn't pick everything out, I have written it in bit of a rush. But honestly. Thankyou. I take EVERYTHING on board.

 

If I didn't care, I wouldn't have found this site, and continued checking back for the replies.

 

Happy new year to you all,

 

All the best,

 

Sylar.

[Clockwork]

It had to be a huge shot against her ego and pride when her boyfriend was fooling around with someone she didn't like in the first place. That just makes it worse.

[Sylar]

Yeah, no doubt.

 

Like I said. I wish I hadn't. And I wish I could reverse it.

 

I'm not proud. I'm not happy. I know she's not, and rats what makes the whole situation so much worse..

[Survivor12]

Granted, I do keep saying "it was only a kiss" but I look at it from the only point of view I truly know, and that is mine.

 

Exactly. You have no empathy. Your remorse that she is hurt is only because of how her pain has affected you.

Edited January 3, 2013 by Survivor12

[Sylar]

Exactly. You have no empathy. Your remorse that she is hurt is only because of how her pain has affected you.

 

I have empathy. I also have remorse for what I did. Not because of how it has affected me.

 

I am hurt, yes. My actions caused this, and I am remorseful for that. But I don't want it to appear that I'm only worried about myself, because I'm not.

 

I wanted to know what I could do in this situation. That also includes people telling me what they think she should be doing too. I don't want anyone to think the only hurt I have is due to her not taking me back.

 

I hurt because of how unhappy she is.

 

After the post by NoMagicBullet, I spent a lot of time thinking about her feelings, and in turn, I'm less worried about my own, and far more concentrated on hers.

 

If I didn't care about her, and only cared about myself, I would t have tried to sort things out.

 

I've never been a talker, and I found it very difficult to find somewhere to post, and then to write what I wrote.

 

Just wanted to try and clear that up, because I don't want people to have the wrong impression.

 

All the best,

Sylar.

[NoMagicBullet]

I thought the "whipped" idea had come from someone else, likely friends. Sorry to hear it was from family, too. That's important stuff to talk about with your counselor: how much your gf demanded of you and what of that may have been reasonable or not, how much you gave willingly or not so willingly, and what your respective families & friends had to say about it. But IMO, anyone telling you you're "whipped" is not being supportive of your relationship.

[nofool4u]

3 months ago, I made a mistake.

 

Ok, here we go again. Lets get this out of the way.

 

It wasn't a mistake. You did it because you WANTED to do it. You went out without your gf and put yourself willingly in a situation with someone you were attracted to.

 

Call it a bad choice brought on by poor character, but its not a mistake.

Calling it a mistake only serves to downplay your actions.

 

Ok, that out of the way, on to the rest.

 

So, during all this, I was obviously still seeing my daughter, and my ex was wanting me back. I said I wasn't ready and that it looked bleak.

 

Now, I've changed my mind. I had a few days away from her, and I had people ask me what I was doing.. I had no clue. I had been throwing it all away for absolutely no reason.

 

I've told her that I want her back. And she has basically changed her mind.

 

I've asked her if it is over, and I just get "I dunno".

 

She is past the fog and desperation phase. Thats what happens to alot of people betrayed. They feel inadequate and for some dumb reason want the person back that cheated on them. And then alot of times those same people, once the fog lifts, are now angry and thinking more clearly. They are no longer desperate.

 

I believe that is the case here. She now realizes what it means to be cheated on and is past the point of wanting someone that will cheat.

 

I could never bare the thought of being friends.. I regret every second for what I did. And if I could take it all back I would in a heartbeat. I realised that the girl of my dreams was the girl I was with, and that I've destroyed my family for a stupid kiss.

 

Don't get wrong, I usually don't distinguish one form of cheating from another, but even just one kiss can be seen as too much to take from the betrayed partner.

 

So not sure what to tell you other than you are just going to have to give her time. And since you got to go out and have fun, she now gets to as well.

 

You are just going to have to give her space and somehow show her you won't do it again. That means no more going out for drinks, at least without her, and no more contact with the girl you kissed. You can't expect her to be ok with you and her being friends any longer, because you ceased to be such when you kissed her.

 

I believe her fears are that I only want her back cause it didn't work with the other girl. Which is wrong. I always doubted myself.

 

I don't know if anyone can help. I don't mind if you're blunt. I'm completely at a loss so I'll listen to anything..

 

Then sit her down and tell her that you will do anything to keep her. No more going out for drinks, any partying, cutting all contact with this other girl, and even no guy's nights. She won't probably want to hold you to the last one on that list, but it should be expected that you stay your ass home for a while.

 

Thats all you can do, sit her down and tell her you are willing to do whatever it takes.

[nofool4u]

In regards the other woman. We had been friends for.. Nearly 7 years through work. Always went out and had a laugh etc, long before my Gf ever arrived on the scene. There had never been anything between us, and that night and one other it was just a kiss. Nothing more.

 

This sounds an awful lot like you aren't willing to end it to keep your gf and mother of your child.

 

Maybe I need to recall my advise of sitting your gf down and telling her you'll do anything, because after this comment, that doesn't seem like a desired outcome for you.

 

And again, newsflash for you, you ceased to be friends with this other girl when you crossed the line with her. If you think your gf should just put up with you still being in contact with her, think again.

 

 

Granted, I do keep saying "it was only a kiss" but I look at it from the only point of view I truly know, and that is mine. I know is have flipped if she did it to me, but, I also know I have forgiveness.

 

And I guarantee, even though you'll probably deny it to further your argument, that if she decided to keep a guy she cheated on you with as a close friend that you wouldn't be ok with it at all.

 

 

It was a mistake.

 

No, it wasn't. You did it because you wanted to.

 

 

And if I could turn back the clock, I would, at almost any price.

 

I take it that "almost" is in reference to respecting your gf enough to cut ties with this other girl?

[Sylar]

Hello, thanks for your replies.

 

Just a quick reply whilst I'm round my mums house!

 

The almost any price is something hugely ridiculous. I told her if she wanted me to cut an arm off, if even let her choose which one.

 

I'd be gutted to lose the other girl as a friend, as that is what we were great at. We're both gutted that we've lost that too. And yes. If it needed that, it would be hard, but manageable.

 

I don't live with her at all anymore either. I was sleeping on the sofa a couple of nights a week, but now even that has ended.

 

I think I know where it's heading. Do you think she's scared of ending it with me though, because she keeps saying "I dunno."

 

I'm going to leave her to it. I've done all I can. If she wants me back she'll want me back, if not, I need to start thinking about what to do to ensure the continued support for my daughter.

 

I'll keep posting as I find out more.

 

Thankyou for the continued replies. I know I seem to be playing it down, but I can't go in with the attitude that its the worst thing ever! Although, I guess playing it down probably didn't help my cause..

 

Too many things to think about, would love to clear my mind for a day and be able to think clearly..

 

Thanks again,

 

Sylar.

[nofool4u]

Hello, thanks for your replies.

 

Just a quick reply whilst I'm round my mums house!

 

The almost any price is something hugely ridiculous. I told her if she wanted me to cut an arm off, if even let her choose which one.

 

I'd be gutted to lose the other girl as a friend, as that is what we were great at. We're both gutted that we've lost that too. And yes. If it needed that, it would be hard, but manageable.

 

Well that was the point I was getting at with regards to the "almost any price" thing. Not some far fetched idea that you'd take a hacksaw to your arm.

 

 

I think I know where it's heading. Do you think she's scared of ending it with me though, because she keeps saying "I dunno."

 

She is going through a bunch of emotions. On one hand she probably can't imagine not being with you, and on the other feels she can't trust you. So I think she is scared of ending it. But you shouldn't play on that fear if its there. Example, don't threaten to leave for good thinking her fear will make her tell you to come back before she really knows what she wants.

[Sylar]

Ok. Quick recap because it seems like people are getting the wrong idea.

 

I would give up anything and everything for my ex.

 

I realise that I've been an absolute tw@.

 

I hate myself for make her feel the way she does.

 

I'd do anything to get it all back.

 

I understand why she doesn't want to be with me at the moment.

 

I know that there is nothing I can do to change her mind.

 

I'm playing the waiting game, and I'll wait for as long as it takes.

 

Thanks to all who have posted so far. Everyone had made good points, although I do believe that some of what I had said, had been misconstrued. Hopefully this should add some light.

 

Thanks again for all support.

Sylar.

[NoMagicBullet]

I'm playing the waiting game, and I'll wait for as long as it takes.

 

While you're waiting for you ex -- sorry, but I think I need to say "ex" instead of "gf" at this point -- don't put your life on hold. Work on yourself and work on getting your life in a good place, whether your ex decides to come back or not.

 

Please do go to counseling, even if your ex won't go with you; counseling will help you sort out and deal with a lot of this -- but it's not a quick fix. It will take time. Time doesn't heal wounds unless they're properly tended to in the first place. I do hope your ex will go to counseling. Even if you two don't get back together, it can help you be on the same page as parents.

 

Best wishes to you, Sylar.