Why so hard to leave

[lonelyheart74]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy, and honestly if I was on the outside looking in I would think I was. I am a woman who has been in an abusive relationship for 15 years and can't figure out how to leave. I have tried domestic violence shelters, but they want to separate my 15 yr old son from the rest of the family. There is no way I will leave my 15 yr old son in a shelter for men by himself. I've also tried to work and save up money to go, but he always manages a way to mess it up for me and I lose my job. I've also tried to be the good wife and do everything to make him happy, including plastic surgery, and that doesn't help either. He always finds something to be angry about. I am to the point that I am so depressed that I sometimes stay in bed all day.

 

Has anyone been able to get out when you are totally dependent on your spouse? If you have, how?

[alexandria35]

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. Do you have family or maybe good friends who could take your 15 yr old in temporarily while you get on your feet? I haven't been in your exact situation but years ago I moved in with prince charming only to discover within a few months of living with him that he was quite abusive and not the person I thought he was. I had to get out of there. I was able to stay with my mom but my teenage son had to stay with friends. Thankfully I was not financially dependant on the guy and I was able to get a place within a couple of weeks and get my son back. I also had a friend who ended up in a shelter and they helped her with everything from finding a place to live, looking for a job, clothing and food and financial aid, so I think the shelters can be a real allie but I fully understand why you don't want your son going to a mens shelter. Thats no place for a young boy and I wouldn't allow that either. If you can secure a safe place for your son to stay then I think you should go ahead and go to a shelter. You will never be able to save up enough to leave so you're going to have to take a leap of faith and just go. The shelter should help you get things together. You will be poor and it won't be easy (I've been there) but it's still better than spending your life with an abuser. If you wait for the right time or the perfect plan then you will never leave.

[shoesies05]

I am sorry that you experiencing this in your life right now. The thing is- you have the strength to get out of it and you are not helpless. This is AMERICA- and I know that sounds stupid, but we do luckily have many opportunities for women to get out.

 

Your son will benefit much more from staying with a friend or relative( even if it means that he needs to transfer schools or whatever) while you get out of that situation. It may be hard to leave him "on his own" but he won't be- he will have the support of those he is staying with and support from contact with you.

 

If there isn't any way for him to stay with a friend- look into find a shelter for young adults. They have shelters for people generally 13-24 so that they will be better watched, helped with school and such, and better protected from dangerous adults/peers.

 

Do you live in a urban or rural area? Have you talked to anyone close to you about this that you can trust?

 

Remember- getting out of that situation is not only better for you but also for him as he will not longer be in an abusive world that will twist his mind and how he percieves the world. Once he AND you are out you both have the opportunity to move on, literally and emotionally.

 

Don't forget that you can always call 1-800-799-safe (1-800-799-7233) to talk and get advice from someone who has been trained to help you through this hard and TEMPORARY part of your life.

 

You'll be in my thoughts and my heart goes out to you and your son.

[jjwats]

take your son and drive away as far as you can