How Men Deal with Breakups: Interesting read

[iBerry]

I found this article in Men's Health magazine and wanted to share it. It will be a comforting read to all the nice girls out there that have been dumped...and while you are crying and depressed and your ex seems to be out and about not giving a sh*t...know that he too will have his days of tears sooner or later.

 

I am living proof of this because Ive had breakups with 3 boyfriends in the past where they seem fine initially and act like they dont care...only to come crawling back later on when the emotions set in.

 

Who handles Breakups Better?

 

Let's face it: Some relationships aren't meant to be, so a breakup averts a biggerdisaster. So when the Love Boat hits the iceberg, who handles it better? Myanswer: women.

 

Several studies show that men experience more depression, distress, and anxietyafter breakups than women do. Men might like to come across as being tougherthan overcooked steak after a breakup, but the truth is that they're actuallymore the consistency of jelly.

 

Believe me—I see the letters of hundreds of men desperate for advice on how towin their ex back. Here's why some men come undone during a breakup.

 

When a guy is dumped, hisfirst reaction is: I'll show her. How he sometimes does it: With a couplepitchers and a night out with the guys. In fact, 26 percent of men say that thedumped party should get drunk with the guys after a breakup, according to a Men'sHealth online survey.

 

But those beer swillers are actually in the minority: 36 percent say a guyshould look at his new ex, smile, and thank her. The thing is, both of thosereactions are exactly the same thing—masks for their true feelings. They can'tdeal with being hurt, or angry, or bummed. It's not until after they get pasttheir initial reaction that men actually mourn the loss of the relationship.

 

Women are more likely to cry soon after the breakup, and they're also morelikely to use straight talk when ending a relationship, studies find. So womenface their relationship blues head on, and get them out of their systemsearlier. Many men tend to repress their reaction, so it lingers like basementmold.

 

One of the reasons why women can get over sour relationships faster than theguys they break up with is that women have an amazing network of people tolatch on to. Research indicates that men depend on romantic relationships foremotional intimacy and social support, whereas women are more likely to turn tofamily and female friends to satisfy those needs. Mothers, sisters, friends,hairdressers, cabbies, whoever—the more times she tells the story about what ajerk he was, the better she's going to feel.

 

A man, on the other hand, stays corked. Often he shrugs off a breakup with ashoulder shrug, shoots a Jager shot, and tries to convince himself that he'snot upset. That is, until about six months later, at 1 a.m. after the fourthpitcher, when he confesses to his buds that all he ever wanted is for Janelleto take him back.

 

After the breakup, a man may feel an initial surge of excitement of futureprospects—the women he's yet to meet. But after three, four, or two dozendates, he realizes that it's going to take a long time to reach the level ofcomfort he had with his ex. Research conducted at Carnegie Mellon Universitysuggests that women adjust better to the end of a relationship because they'vealready given consideration to the possibility of a breakup, whereas men aretypically unprepared for it.

 

While that sense of emotional security can't be the only reason to staytogether, it also makes him realize that he was very lucky to have a woman likeher. Meanwhile, she's already moved on. And perhaps the only time he lets hisguard down enough to admit the emotional truth is when he's drunk-dialing her.And that's too little, way too late.

 

Many breakups are a knee-jerk reaction to what men perceive as stagnation: He'sbored with the same restaurants, the same petty arguments, the repetitive sex.Once he's back on the prowl, he thinks, he'll be bedding 10s and living thehigh life. After the breakup, however, he quickly realizes that the singlesscene isn't all champagne and half-naked strangers—it's work.

 

Instead of the exciting bar scene, he finds that he misses the intimacy of hispast relationship. Studies show that women consistently outscore men onmeasures of social, sexual, and intellectual intimacy—and women are oftenquicker than men to realize that intimacy provides the foundation of a lastingrelationship, not the sexual thrills.

[Radu]

Pretty much spot on.

 

And the latter part of your post is also the reason why most divorces are initiated by a woman.

[movingon12]

This is definitely what happened with my first husband.

[Just smile]

Great read, comforting and true.

[NoMoreJerks]

Is this when men are dumpees, or does it also apply to dumpers? I am convinced that male dumpers in general (unless their ex was a nutcase/narcissist) are cold-hearted *****@#!@s.

[Lonely Ronin]

Research conducted at Carnegie Mellon University suggests that women adjust better to the end of a relationship because they've already given consideration to the possibility of a breakup,

 

That's a slightly disturbing revelation.....

[Radu]

This is pretty much confirmed by divorce statistics, iBerry. 76% initiated by women.

 

NMJ, if you want something positive regarding women regarding this ... women are more likely to get over infidelity in the SO than men are.

And they tend to be affected more by the emotional aspect of the affair of their husbands. Men tend to be more affected by the physical aspect of their wive's affair.

Off-course, it depends a lot on society and culture.

[iBerry]

Radu, are you saying divorced is initiated by women because they get over the relationship faster? I imagine a couple separates, the guy acts like he doesnt care and therefore does not try to fix the marriage. The woman is heartbroken but by the time the guy comes around to try and fix things she has already moved on.

 

This reminds me of that R. Kelly song "When a Woman's Fed Up." lol.

 

When my ex and I broke up he confessed to me that he does not talk to any of his friends of his feelings. He just said "(my name) and I broke up." and thats it. He keeps it all inside and goes out to the bar drinking for a couple weeks. He even had a one night stand!! Then finally he starts to see how good he had it and he called me. What a strange way of going through the grieving process but I guess thats what makes men different from women. After a breakup I am an emotional mess and dont even feel like going out. My friends have to drag me to even go out for dinner...nevermind partying every night at the bar.

 

NMJ, I think this applies to both dumpees and dumpers. In my experience it has happened with both.

[NoMoreJerks]

When my ex and I broke up he confessed to me that he does not talk to any of his friends of his feelings. He just said "(my name) and I broke up." and thats it. He keeps it all inside and goes out to the bar drinking for a couple weeks. He even had a one night stand!! Then finally he starts to see how good he had it and he called me. What a strange way of going through the grieving process but I guess thats what makes men different from women. After a breakup I am an emotional mess and dont even feel like going out. My friends have to drag me to even go out for dinner...nevermind partying every night at the bar.

That's very insightful. I also feel the same way you do. I can't go out. I tried once, because my friends dragged me out cos they were worried about me -- we went for drinks (it was in the summer, my first break-up with my ex), and it made me even more miserable... The only thing I can do is cry, sleep, repeat ad nauseum -- and basically be by myself as much as possible.

 

When your ex realized how good he had it, and called you, did he want to get back with you? Also, was he the dumper?

[iBerry]

NMJ, yes he was the dumper when he came back. But I've also had the same happen when a guy was the dumpee. I usually dont break up with boyfriends unless there is an issue that I have brought up several times that they refuse to work on me with. Thats the reason he would come back as the dumpee, because he realized I was not being unreasonable.

 

As for going out, I would drag myself to go to the bar with my friends at least once on the weekend...not to get drunk and pick up men...but more so to feel like I was out there again and not at home being depressed. It feels very uncomfortable at first but it does get easier obviously.