ScienceGal Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 I don't think this is something that I could forgive. In time most things are forgiven (or forgotten), yes. But, in terms of forgiving as a means to repair and move forward with the relationship, no. He spoke to you about marriage and kids, yet was being intimate and sexual with a female friend? What does that say about him as a partner? How far would he go, would he have sex with her? Has he already? You shouldn't even have to be asking yourself these questions because you shouldn't be in this situation. You have my sympathies on this one. If you do choose to stick with him, realize that this is going to be on your mind for a very long time and will likely lead to more snooping and lack of trust. You'll be putting yourself through a lot to try to make it work... I would leave. At the very least take a break from each other. p.s. you deserve better Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 My best friend is a guy and I do absolutely nothing even remotely romantic or sexual with him. The closest we get is if we happen to accidentally get sweat on the other while running. I also make sure that all romantic prospects meet him right away, see he's not a threat, and they usually end up becoming really good friends, which is nice for me because then I get some alone time without either of them. He's actually more like a brother to me than anything. Believe me, I wish I could have romantic/sexual feelings for him. But with regards to this situation....I wouldn't tolerate that. Not how emotionally close they are, and not with the sexual pictures being sent. Wait... You wish you could have romantic and sexual feelings for a guy you claim to consider a brother and who is not a threat to your boyfriends? WHAT!? You proved my point about such relationships being a red flag. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JemJ Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 i agree with the advice, I've been there myself and this won't stop here so you need to get rid. Red flags should have a sign that says get out of here your life is in danger. Honestly there is no recovery by talking. The only chance you have is to go NC for a good few months and only take him back if he demonstrates over time he has made a huge mistake and didnt realise how much he had to lose. Talking if through and just letting him off with an apology will make him think he can get away with it again. No explainations just go NC, it will be hard but if you dont you will feel much worse as the paranoia will be too hard to bear and you will argue non stop. He needs to think he's lost you for you to know what he really wants. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Wait... You wish you could have romantic and sexual feelings for a guy you claim to consider a brother and who is not a threat to your boyfriends? WHAT!? You proved my point about such relationships being a red flag. The OP will have to answer that, but I thought it was merely the desire for revenge talking, nothing else. Not that unusual of a thought, I think, given the situation. As long as it's only a passing thought and not a plan for action... Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 The OP will have to answer that, but I thought it was merely the desire for revenge talking, nothing else. Not that unusual of a thought, I think, given the situation. As long as it's only a passing thought and not a plan for action... That isn't the girl who started the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nonenos Posted January 2, 2013 Author Share Posted January 2, 2013 I dont' see this as an absolute, all or nothing situation. Yes, there is a problem, but I think it's not an egregious offense that mandates the end of the relationship if it has been otherwise good. Having naked pics on his phone is not the same as banging her. There aren't too many men who would turn down a few hot pics if someone is willing to send them. The pics aren't the problem––the problem is that he's crossed a boundary with this woman and in the relationship. I think you should deal with it directly. If he's remorseful and concedes that it's inappropriate, hurtful and disrespectful to you then perhaps you can get him back on the straight and narrow and save the relationship. If he tries to turn it around on you don't allow it. Exactly how you'd handle it is up to you but if it were me, I'd probably say it's her or me and you have 10 seconds to answer correctly or I'm done. But you have to mean it. Well long story short I confronted him and essentially followed the above advice. I told him it was her or me and he chose me. I made him text her saying they could no longer be friends and explain the reason why. She was obviously upset and said she no longer wanted to talk to him because she was so hurt. I then made him delete and block her off his phone, facebook etc. I feel so embarassed about the whole situation, but I understand that people make mistakes and am willing to give our relationship another try. If this happens again or I find out that he's had any sort of contact with her whatsoever I'll be out the door so fast his head will spin. I know it's going to take time especially when I feel so distant from him right now, but this has been the only issue with our relationship. She's the only person he's "friends" with that I've ever seen as any kind of threat and as long as she stays away I think we can get back to a good place. I guess only time will tell though, but thanks to everyone for the advice, I honestly didn't know who else to turn to for advice on this. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 ------------- Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Well long story short I confronted him and essentially followed the above advice. I told him it was her or me and he chose me. I made him text her saying they could no longer be friends and explain the reason why. She was obviously upset and said she no longer wanted to talk to him because she was so hurt. I then made him delete and block her off his phone, facebook etc. ..... If this happens again or I find out that he's had any sort of contact with her whatsoever I'll be out the door so fast his head will spin. I know it's going to take time especially when I feel so distant from him right now, ....... as long as she stays away I think we can get back to a good place. I guess only time will tell though,........ "A man convinced against his Will Is of the same opinion still." You may love him, want to be with him, and be his everything. But you will never fully trust him, again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 "A man convinced against his Will Is of the same opinion still." You may love him, want to be with him, and be his everything. But you will never fully trust him, again. 100% right here. You shouldnt have made him do anything. Shouldve watched his demeanor and actions. He shouldve done the right thing. I wish you wouldve listened 2 someone elses advice. Why do ppl act single when they arent?? Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 It amazes me how everyone's solution to any hickup in any relationship is to end it, as if the only relationship worth having is the theoretical perfect relationship. When people love each other, and are invested in perhaps the best relationship they've ever known, it's not quite so easy. Granted she may determine in time that it's not going to work and needs to end, but the possibility also exists that he'll realize he screwed up be resolute to never do anything like that again. It's not like he was banging the woman... she tempted him, yes, but it didn't happen. I hope it all works out for the best and believe that is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 It amazes me how everyone's solution to any hickup in any relationship is to end it, as if the only relationship worth having is the theoretical perfect relationship. When people love each other, and are invested in perhaps the best relationship they've ever known, it's not quite so easy. Granted she may determine in time that it's not going to work and needs to end, but the possibility also exists that he'll realize he screwed up be resolute to never do anything like that again. It's not like he was banging the woman... she tempted him, yes, but it didn't happen. I hope it all works out for the best and believe that is possible. Sometimes the peace of mind is better. She may try to look harder and he may hide better. Im saying he shouldve told her what needed to happen not the other way around. Im hoping that she doesnt though. I understand what you are saying tho Sal and hope it works out 4 her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nonenos Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 While I understand that this is a horrible situation and I haven't taken it lightly in any sense, but I don't think just breaking up is the only possible solution. I know they haven't had sex and I do believe that if he does keep her out of his life that we could work this out. If this is the only issue we've encountered in over a year of being together then I don't think it makes sense to throw everything out the window for one mistake. I'm not trying to sound naive, but just because something is broken doesn't mean it should be thrown away rather than fixed. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Relationships should be started with 1 unstated/unwritten opportunity to snoop... You only get 1 chance, so use it wisely. When you get that feeling and it builds up to the unbearable point, you discuss your issues and if you don't feel likes it's been resolved... Use your snoop! If your prove your own suspicions correct... then it's your choice what you are going to do about it. If you've snooped out every possibility, indirectly proving their words true... a new layer of trust is established. 1 snoop is a win/win situation in my opinion, though snooping as a habit in general is really unhealthy for a relationship. Not saying that this is wrong. But, I don't entirely agree with it either. If you tell him that she gets a one time opportunity to snoop. The guy is going to be walking on eggshells during this entire relationship and that's no way for either of them to live. Look, you had a feeling and you looked at his phone. That was that. If the "gut feeling" ever comes back...then do what you have to do. No different than what you just did. But, if he isn't giving you a reason NOT to trust him, then give him the benefit of the doubt. But, if the gut feeling is telling you different, then look. Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 ^^^^ agree. If your gut says look, then look. Very cliched, but as Reagan said: trust, but verify! Link to post Share on other sites
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