advice on six month saga with ex. (please)

[harvick29]

Hello,

 

Here is my story. I really need some advice.

 

I was dating a girl for 3.5 years. i am 26 she is 21. To make a long story short, we lived together and had a dog for 1.5 years of our relationship. (mistake). I still have the dog. She ended up leaving and we ended up breaking up after I found out she was dating another guy that she worked with. this was six months ago.

 

Now, I have been trying to understand why she continues to call me and find ways to see me. After we broke up, I never did the crying and begging thing to get her back. I just let fate take its course. So she would call about once every other week just to catch up. Then after about three months of this, She started to call more often. the calls have since been about two times a week and sometimes more. She has told me numerous times that she is not over me. Even though she has had this boyfriend since we broke up. It drives him nuts that she still talks to me and it has put a strain on their relationship. I try not to read into it too much, I still figure she is young and needs to experience life before she settles down with me or whoever.

 

The thing is, I love this girl to death. and it kills me to know that she is devoting her time to someone else and trying to still maintain a relationship with me. Sometimes I answer her calls and sometimes I don't, but it never seems to matter. She told me one day that she really liked this guy so I quit answering her calls. It only took one week and she was over here wondering what had happened and what I was doing. I really want to move on, with or without her. But we were very compatible and the best of friends. We both lost our best friends and I think that is why this breakup has been so hard.

 

We have talked numerous times about how this breakup was different form any other relationship either one of us has had. previously when I broke up with someone, We just stopped talking. neither one of us can seem to do this. I have been dating too since we broke up, but I only think about her and long to have her back in my life. please respond and tell me your take on this situation. Everyone seems to offer good, unbiased advice, which is exactly what I need. thanks

[krbshappy71]

Sounds like she's using you for emotional support. You listen to her and give her attention, she may not be getting much of that with the new guy. Rather than dump him, she gets it from you. I'd cut off all ties if its making you crazy, but that's just me. I tend to cut off ties when I end things. Makes it easier for me. Some people stay friends, if its fine for both people, that's cool but this sounds like its just making it harder for you to move on completely. End it and let her face what she has lost. (if she still has you as a friend she hasnt' lost much yet, just the sex which she is getting elsewhere)

[harvick29]

Thanks for the advice. That is pretty much what i have been thinking. the funny thing is , we just went to a concert yesterday which is something that we have been doing for the last three years. She asked me to go and after a couple of weeks of hesitation, I decided to go. It was crazy. we were dancing, hugging, holding hands and laughin for the entire day. Then she cried numerous times on the way home thinking about thow good things could be. I told her that we needed to both move forward and this concert is a great way to say goodbye. She dropped me off and then I got a phone call from her about 2 hours later which I didn't answer. I am so lost with this whole situation.

[harvick29]

I appreciate the advice I received, but I was hoping for a little more info. If there is anything that someone may wish to add please feel free. I could use the advice, its killing me!

[kat217]

it really comes down to what is it that YOU want/deserve:

 

you can either...

 

1) tell her how you feel (put your ego/pride on the side) and wish to rekindle the relationship, but only under one condition: she MUST end her relationship w/ her current BF.

 

otherwise,

 

2) cease ALL contacts as hard as it might be for you -- no "just-saying-hey", "what's up"...no nothing, NADA contact.

 

the bottom line is, she is NOT giving you what YOU want (which is to be with her, only her, noone else is involved). it is NOT fair to you to keep feeling the way you do while she gets the best of both world.

 

i can understand that she is younger...but that still won't give her the right to put you in the situation you are in. you do NOT need to make excuses for her behavior. personally, i think whatever she is doing is very disrepectful.

 

obviously, she is making her choices as she pleases, it is upto you to make yours.

 

best of luck!

[echo419]

I have a friend that is going through this sort of thing. His EX would come to his house and hang out, even sleep over---He says they didn't have sex, but other than that they seemed to together again. At the same time she was dating this other guy. This was driving him crazy, he wants to get back with her and shes sending all these mixed signals. We talked and the best thing I could tell him was to be honest with her---to let her know what this was doing to him.

 

So he calls her up, tells her that this can't continue. He told her that she needs to figure out what she wants because what she is doing is hurting all 3 people involved. He then told her that until she figured that out, not to call him anymore.

 

He told me she tried calling him a few times and emailing him, but he didn't respond or answer. I'm not sure what he's going to do about it in the future, but the point is---hes stepping back, and hopefully that will help her to decide whats right for her.

 

Like I said, this is what my friend is doing about it. Maybe its not right for you, just thought I'd share the story.

[harvick29]

Hey thanks a lot,

 

Echo, what do you think is your friends ex's reasoning for wanting to be around him? I see similarities in the situations, but what I can't figure out is how someone who is in a relationship and seems to be content, would need to still be in contact with their ex. I personally feel that the new relationships are lacking something that the old relationship offered. I just wish I new how long this would last or what she is thinking. Do you guys think that people get frustrated with relationships and bail, only to find that the relationship is exactly what they were looking for. and If they ever decide that, do you think that they try to make themselves stay in the relationship they are in and force themselves to like the person, even though the relationship is unfullfilling or do they try to come back? thanks again.

[echo419]

I'm guessing she is missing something from this new relationship that she had with him. Basically what you said! I'll try and talk to him a little later today and get what he thinks. I asked him earlier today what the latest news was with him and her and he said he's just trying to not think about her. I'm not sure if she has tried to contact him recently (last few days) or not. I get the impression he is trying to forget her and move on. I know he still has feelings for her, but he basically isn't waiting for her anymore and he's not going to be there for her when its convient to her.

 

Maybe I'll have more for ya tomorrow. Take care.

[beautiful]

harvick29........my goodness!

 

I feel that from what you wrote in here (I believe that there is another side to your story as well...her side) you need help.

 

Why are you allowing this little girl to manipulate you in this awful way? What is going on with you that you feel so low about yourself to tolerate such treatment and be second best to her?

 

She is playing a dangerous game with you and you only to eager to play it with her.

 

This is not about her but all about you. Do some soul searching and find out what it is and move on to a healthy relationship.

 

No one can treat you badly unless YOU ALLOW IT!

Good luck!

[harvick29]

Beautiful,

hey, wait a minute. I have been soul searching for the last six months. I have also dated a few other girls in the meantime. i don't feel low about myself, in fact I am in the best shape of my life and in a position to do whatever I choose. I just have not completly gotten over the relationship and that is why I have had a hard time moving on. That and the fact that she won't stop calling me and seeing me. ( I don't call her at all) I have put my foot down and have told her that it is best to move on and stop the games that have been going on for way too long. I appreciate your honesty, but I am far from being manipulated. I guess there was a part of me that wanted to believe the things she was saying were sincere and not bull****. That has not happened. It is hard to believe that someone you think the world of would try to use you for whatever reason to make themselves feel better. I figured she would feel low enough for what she did that she would not care to hurt me anymore. guess not! thanks again!

[echo419]

harvick, wish I had more informative news for you. I hung out with my buddy yesterday. He doesn't really know what she thinks, well we both think that SHE doesn't know what she wants. He said she wanted him to come over last night and he wasn't sure what he was going to do. Today he tells me he didn't go---good for him I said. Then he tells me he had bought tickets for a concert tonight and he and she were going.....I think he might be setting himself up for more pain, but I guess we shall see.

 

All I got for now, take care.