Mixed messages...what's he after???

[bluetuesday]

Hi guys

 

I'm seriously confused about my best male friend. We work together and over the past couple of years have become pretty close, talking every day, sharing secrets, going out clubbing just the two of us, being there when no-one else is sort of thing. We're both single.

 

A couple of months ago I mentioned I was thinking of leaving work. That night he went out, got hammered, and started texting me in the early hours saying that he didn't want me to leave work but if I did he was going to have a hard time containing himself at my leaving do. Basically he said he knew I was going to give him a blowjob one day and what's more, he thought I wanted to.

 

I was pretty shocked, it was right out of leftfield, there'd never been any flirting between us before, but we talked it through and decided there was nothing like that between us and it was just a bit of drunken lunacy. I told him I didn't fancy him and he said the same back to me but then couldn't really explain why he'd done it.

 

But it didn't stop. A few weeks later it happened again and this time I was more prepared. Found myself egging him on, probably unfairly. It felt like a dare. Who could say the most outrageous thing. Often I won.

 

When I see him at work I don't feel that I like him in that way, no fireworks, no stomach flips, and he says he doesn't see me in that way either and I believe him, when I look at him it's obvious he's not lusting after me. But outside work or on text it's like we're different people. And I do genuinely love him in a matey way.

 

We've texted each other all about what we're into, sexually. I know it turns us both on, which is why we do it. We're adults and you gotta get your safe kicks where you can, right?

 

But this week, it's gone from us talking about sex theoretically, abstractly, to talking face to face about the fact that sometimes we do want to have sex with each other. We've already got a pretty intense emotional bond we both recognise, but as there's never been any discernible sexual tension between us I can't figure out what's going on. Particularly because he's always talking about other women in the office he fancies.

 

Is it normal for a buddy to get a hard-on while talking to a buddy, even if the subject is sex and one of them is female? Surely it can't be normal for a buddy to admit he sometimes wants to sleep with me? Or that he misses me when I'm not there? Or that he never used to fancy me but sometimes, occasionally, he does and I drive him crazy for a while and then he just goes back to feeling neutral again? Although I can't lay it all at his door, I match him on every step. If he's confused about his feelings so I am.

 

Today I tried to pin him down. No, not actually, he'd love that though.

 

Told him if we slept together it'd be more to me than just sex because I feel emotionally very close to him and hey, I'm a woman who finds it tough to separate sex and love. But he started backpeddling furiously and said it'd just be a shag to him and that if we stop talking about sex any feelings those chats are creating will subside and it'll all be back to normal which is what he wants.

 

Common sense probably but it's like opening Pandora's box. Now I know those things about him I can't forget them. And talking dirty is a kick. I know it's a dangerous game and I don't want to compromise the special friendship we have but don't know what my next move is. I'm rubbish at playing games.

 

Just want him to be honest with me but how can I believe him when he says it all means nothing when at other times he tells me his mates tell him off for talking about me too much and he thinks about me loads and misses me and wants me to be there to cuddle last thing at night and wants to watch porn with me!

 

Even asked him if he wanted a FWB sort of thing - I don't think he does which is just as well because he couldn't have that with me and he knows it.

 

Any clues?

[moimeme]

Men are strange critters. Not all of them, but some of 'em sure are. As long as he has himself convinced that he doesn't see you as other than a friend, he will only be a friend. He may behave as though he adores you in every way, but until he allows himself to think that he thinks otherwise about you, you'll still be 'just a friend'. Actions supposedly speak louder than words, but in these cases, it's the opposite. Stinks, but that's life.

[loveregardless]

sounds to me like you've got yourself in a pickle. so im a little confused about YOUR stand on the whole situation. you like him...yes? would you want a relationship with him? if so then watch out...make sure that if anything does happen, that like you said, you make it clear that you are not a freinds with benefits kinds girl. it means more than that to you. if he has a problem with that, then he needs to stop talking about it with you. and you shouldn't talk about it with him either. if you are just going to be freinds, then you shouldn't talk abut how much you want to sleep with each other all the time. that's not quite a "freindly" conversation to be having. but if you do have an attraction to one another (which seems very obvious that you both do) and you do have "feelings" for him as he may/or may not for you...then it is already something else, whether or not you have done anything sexual yet. it's already at that level. and it sounds to me like it is definetely already at that level. i know that everyone is different and that all freindships and relationships are different...but it sounds pretty obvious to me that this one is getting a little out of hand. i'm just so confused as to why the two of you aren't together already. he's obsessed with you, you "love" him in a matey sort of way. and you obviously have a forcefield of sexual tension between the two of you. i dunno...i just think if it continues with this ambiguous back and forth business that someone is going to end up with their feelings hurt. it needs to be more clear cut as to what is really going on...just to keep both of you from getting hurt. and if you really value each others freindships so much, and thats what is most important, then you need to end the sexual talk altogether, because the way it's going...sexual talking and flirting WILL lead to the two of you having sex. and well, that would be akward if that wasn't where you wanted to end up. but ultimately...it's up to you and him.

[bluetuesday]

Thanks guys for your responses, it really does help to get someone else's point of view.

 

I am in a pickle though. Him and I talked a bit today at work and agreed that the sex talk was confusing me too much and we weren't going to do it again. I don't think either of us actually believes it but time will tell. I want to be strong I just find it too irresistible to play along.

 

As far as me seeing myself in a relationship with him... I can and I'd like to see what would happen between us because we'd probably make a pretty good match. He's a funny, cool, genuinely caring and beautiful guy. Who wouldn't want that? So I guess my feelings for him are more than friendship, although I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than to try a relationship that didn't work out. But which of us has the luxury of that much foresight?

 

I once described myself (to him) as being 'in like' with him. It's somewhere between liking him and being in love. Having been in love before I know this is not that strong a sensation, but it's stronger than merely friendship. A couple of our mutual friends have described us as soul mates. I think that's an over-used phrase but I'm not entirely sure it's not right either.

 

I think you're right about us having to stop talking dirty though. It can only lead to us having sex and that would probably be the end of the friendship. I won't risk that.

 

I've talked it through with my mum, who's pretty cool about such things. "You spend all your time with him and sometimes you wanna sleep with him? Girl, that's a marriage!" she said. Maybe that's the key. We are already in a relationship, we're just too scared of being the first to come out with our true feelings to put a label on it.

 

I've accused him of mixed messages over the sex talk but I'm giving them out too. What a right pair we are. Typical I find someone as screwed up as me. Neither of us wants to show our hand too soon is the problem. I've got a lot of thinking to do....

[loveregardless]

Your mother sounds like a pretty cool chic. I think you sound like you are being a lot more honest with yourself since the first post. I know the situation must be sticky, all stages of relationships usually are. But I think you are right in saying that you two would be good together. Just make sure of what you want, either way, and then go for it girl! Good luck. Hope everything works out great for you. Either way this guy sounds pretty lucky to me!