How can I make this right?

[proudddad]

PD, and you're the only one here who seems to think my posts are 'over the top.' Think about for a second. What is more likely: me and EVERYONE else (including your WIFE) is in the wrong? Or is it more likely you are in a bit of denial? This stubborn, and self serving attitude you seem to have is NOT your friend here. Defensiveness is only going to get you divorced.

 

Yes you are right. Good on you, YAY!

 

Thanks for setting me straight.

 

I think you may want to re-read his entire thread because EVERYONE else (YOU capitalized that !!) is not failing to see that there are two people suffering here.

[xxoo]

So, what do you think your wife gets from this situation?

 

The child is a potential blessing to her, should she reach out and embrace her.

[proudddad]

Insist. Schedule an appt. If she doesn't go, go alone.

 

This has already been done. Late Jan was the earliest I could get.

 

My wife and I have a week away together (just us) not too far away. Hopefully we can sort through some of this mess without lifes distractions.

[knitwit]

No he isnt.

 

I don't think her posts are over the top.

 

It is really interesting to me that the responses seem to split along gender lines, where in general the women are reacting rather strongly, whereas the guys, in general, seem to have a "suck it up, deal with it" perspective.

 

I think it is foolhardy to assume that the wife will comes to terms with this in a positive way; it is just as likely (maybe more likely) that she will never accept the daughter, never feel love for her, never receive love from her.

 

There are two people suffering- but one is suffering MUCH more than the other.

 

That is why I really want to know- what positive do the guys think she is getting out of this?

[knitwit]

The child is a potential blessing to her, should she reach out and embrace her.

 

She is a potential blessing in some ways, maybe in the future.

 

She is a big negative, with a lot of junk, including an Ex girlfriend with whom her husband is showing crap boundaries, right now.

 

SHOULD she try to embrace her? Sure.

 

WILL she? Will her husband reach out and help the wife, bring her in as a partner, listen and validate her? Hmmm. That is questionable.

 

The wife will have a much easier time if PD can empathize and work with her.

[Snowflower]

This is an interesting thread. I notice how the responses seem to fall along the gender lines.

 

Prouddad, I know you don't agree with a lot of the women here, but I guarantee you, a lot of what they are saying is what your wife is feeling. So, you can blow off the women posting here as irrational and angry. Fine. We are all just anonymous strangers here. So who cares what is being posted? But what about your wife? Are you going to continue to blow her off as well (even though she is likely feeling the same as what is posted here)? She needs to quit being irrational?

 

I commend you for stepping in to do right by your daughter. You are a good father, no doubt about that.

 

Are you a good husband though?

 

Your wife likely feels abandoned. Even by her own mother who said she (your wife/her daughter) was acting irrational. Wow, your poor wife. Even her own mother appears to not be on her side.

 

Counseling is a must. Go to counseling first by yourself. You have a lot to deal with here, as you have freely acknowledged. Hopefully, your wife will see your lead and see the positive outcomes from counseling and join you.

 

If something isn't done here quick and quit expecting your wife to suck it up, you will end up with all 3 of your children in homes headed by a single parent. Like I said, you are a good father and you don't want this for your children.

[jwi71]

PD-

 

I understand your predicament - we all do, and its a tough one to be sure.

 

I COMPLETELY understand your W's PoV. Don't confuse understand with condone though.

 

I think, from your W's PoV, her life, once certain and sure and well defined, just got blown away. All that she knew and trusted and counted on was rendered moot. Is it her fault - no - but it happened. And quite out of the blue as well. Let her digest this. You don't get to set the timeline for that though - that's for her to decide.

 

Having said that, she doesn't seem to be approaching this in a healthy manner. Its certainly not good for your M. I cant recall but if you are not now then begin today MC with her. You guys have got to work that out. Or D. Pick. Ultimately, that's the choice.

 

Its not YOUR fault ok. There is nothing you can do to "fix it". It simply is - its a curve ball of life. You did NOTHING wrong. Honestly, your W really hasn't either (aside from her reactions to this - and, in the short term, Id allow for some of it as long the trajectory appears positive).

 

Go to MC. Talk to your W. Understand her anger (its really fear specifically of change). Work through it. It can be done if that's what your W wants.

 

In my eyes, the problem is your W reaction to these events. They aren't healthy at all.

MC for you both.

 

You beat this or it beats you

[xxoo]

it is just as likely (maybe more likely) that she will never accept the daughter, never feel love for her, never receive love from her.

 

Buy why?

 

It seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy to me. This child is young, and would most likely return love naturally. She will just as naturally return contempt.

 

It really is up to the adults to set the tone for the relationship.

[xxoo]

She is a potential blessing in some ways, maybe in the future.

 

She is a big negative, with a lot of junk, including an Ex girlfriend with whom her husband is showing crap boundaries, right now.

 

SHOULD she try to embrace her? Sure.

 

WILL she? Will her husband reach out and help the wife, bring her in as a partner, listen and validate her? Hmmm. That is questionable.

 

The wife will have a much easier time if PD can empathize and work with her.

 

I can see that PD has made some poor choices since discovering he is the father of this girl.

 

But I don't see how he's been dismissive of his wife. He brought the child to his home, and the wife was so icy toward her that he no longer brings the child there. That's not about PD's choices--that's revealing something about the wife. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but something "off" about that. I suspect it is something not directly related to the situation with the child, buy maybe triggered by the situation: family of origin issues, depression, deep insecurity....something is going on with her that is beyond PD's control.

 

If he handled it perfectly, would she be able to deal? I'm not convinced.

[knitwit]

Buy why?

 

It seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy to me. This child is young, and would most likely return love naturally. She will just as naturally return contempt.

 

It really is up to the adults to set the tone for the relationship.

 

Yes, I can agree with you, it is up to the adults and there is potential.

 

However, the way it has been played so far is not leading to that outcome- hence the reason PD started a thread.

 

It is my opinion that the way the situation has been handled so far is leading to a very negative outcome. His wife is so angry and bitter that she can't even buy the daughter an ice cream cone- it obviously is not going well.

 

If PD wants to turn this around- and he must, or else he wouldn't be posting, then I think he needs to try to empathize and validate his wife, and work to bring her onto the same page.

 

Right now, it seems like there are a lot of unfounded assumptions::

 

1. The wife is just going to have to suck it up and is going to do to.

2. The wife is going to be just fine with sharing resources.

3. The wife is going to have to suck it up with PD spending time alone with the Ex.

4. The wife is going to what she "Should" do.

5. The wife should understand that PD is going through a hard time as well

6. The wife should be just fine, and will get over this.

 

IMO if the wife is kept on the outside and basically just told that PD will do what he feels he needs to do, and she just needs to deal with it, the wife will NEVER accept the daughter.

 

In fact- this scenario is seen every day. MANY step-families end up in divorce, and usually the inability to agree on handling the kids is a big contributing factor.

[jwi71]

I don't think her posts are over the top.

 

She is off posting hypothetical on court and how the ex-gf will lambaste her...where in the hell did she pull that from given the facts at hand?

 

Read all the stuff that MIGHT happen and how his W MIGHT respond and feel.

 

Its pure projection on her part.

 

None of her points can be concluded from the OP - ie over the top.

 

It is really interesting to me that the responses seem to split along gender lines, where in general the women are reacting rather strongly, whereas the guys, in general, seem to have a "suck it up, deal with it" perspective.

 

Very - I think it speaks more to the "fixer" personality of men.

I'll decline to summarize a woman's thought process as it thoroughly alludes me. I just say "Yes dear".

 

I think it is foolhardy to assume that the wife will comes to terms with this in a positive way; it is just as likely (maybe more likely) that she will never accept the daughter, never feel love for her, never receive love from her.

 

That is entirely up to the W. She gets to CHOOSE how to react.

If the W wants to view this as gaining a step-daughter and view it as a positive she can. If she wants to take an exclusionary path towards this innocent little girl, she can. Its the W's choice.

 

I can tell you if my W EVER did this, EVER reacted to me in this situation, I'd D her ass so fast as to make her head spin. Because that SHOWS just how cruel and insensitive a human she is to treat a little girl like that - and not just any little girl, MY daughter. A woman like that, in my eyes, isn't worth spit.

 

There are two people suffering- but one is suffering MUCH more than the other.

 

Three. Lets not forget the OP's daughter.

 

That is why I really want to know- what positive do the guys think she is getting out of this?

 

The W gets a daughter to love and cherish and raise and to receive the same in return. Her sons get a sister. The Christmas table gets another seat.

 

And on and on and on....so many postives I cant count them all.

[Snowflower]

 

I think you may want to re-read his entire thread because EVERYONE else (YOU capitalized that !!) is not failing to see that there are two people suffering here.

 

Prouddad, I feel sorry for both you and your wife.

 

I think you have done everything you knew how to do in a situation that was completely unfamiliar to you.

 

And it isn't working, right? I'm glad you have scheduled a counseling appointment. Invite your wife to go with you, over and over, between now and the day of the appointment. Who knows, she may relent and go.

 

I do think that since you are in a situation that is so foreign to you, that you are expecting your wife to automatically know what to do/feel in order to make it easier for you and your daughter.

[knitwit]

I can see that PD has made some poor choices since discovering he is the father of this girl.

 

But I don't see how he's been dismissive of his wife. He brought the child to his home, and the wife was so icy toward her that he no longer brings the child there. That's not about PD's choices--that's revealing something about the wife. I'm not saying she's a bad person, but something "off" about that. I suspect it is something not directly related to the situation with the child, buy maybe triggered by the situation: family of origin issues, depression, deep insecurity....something is going on with her that is beyond PD's control.

 

If he handled it perfectly, would she be able to deal? I'm not convinced.

 

I don't think anyone could be expected to handle this perfectly; PD is doing the best he can.

 

I agree that the wife had a terrible time and is not on good behavior. I don't expect her to be perfect, either.

 

If he DID handle it perfectly? I don't know- but the way to try to turn this around is to engage her, bring her in on it, let her know that she has some control over the situation.

 

It is going to take a lot of time and effort. As many of us have said, there is an automatic plus for him- he has a beautiful daughter, a new addition to his family!

 

Is the daughter is going to be a positive for his wife- that depends a LOT on PD!

 

I think he is trying. I hope he is able to see the perspective of many women who are posting, trying to tell him that there are reasonable and rational fears that his wife might be having, so he can get her and make it safe for her to join his page.

[xxoo]

If he DID handle it perfectly? I don't know- but the way to try to turn this around is to engage her, bring her in on it, let her know that she has some control over the situation.

 

I agree.

 

At the same time, he can not allow the child to be treated coldly. She's going to have to exhibit some self-control if she is to be fully involved.

[woinlove]

 

If he handled it perfectly, would she be able to deal? I'm not convinced.

 

Handling it perfectly would mean handling it as a team, as life partners. Yes that may have taken these 6 months to achieve and might have involved lawyers to make everything clear and secure and maybe only now would he be having regular visits with this daughter, but in the greater scheme of things, they would have been 6 months well spent. Instead we have 6 months of helping the ex move, fix things, confiding in the ex, meeting at her home, and letting the problems fester between him and his wife and everything could still be thrown up in the air with a legal challenge if proud pulls back from his "friendly" relationship with the ex.

 

I don't know what the initial months were like, but I do think having a 1 year old and a 3 year old and then finding out about a 5 year old would make this news very emotional, but on top of that came a relationship forming with the ex by moving her, etc.

 

Having said that, no one does things perfectly, and clearly both spouses contributed to not acting like a team, but rather the opposite, and letting this issue drive a wedge between them. Now they not only need to deal with this as they would always have had to do, but they also need to heal from a six month estrangement, which itself could take months to heal.

 

Proud, I repeat my advice that the key to solving this is to try to step into your wife's shoes for a while and imagine what she is feeling - trying not to compare it to what you are feeling, as in, "I feel just as bad". Just focus on her feelings for a while and let that guide you in helping to heal her insecurities, fears, pains. That is what my H and I always do, one of us always reaches out first by focussing on the other. We've found it works much better than coming at it as I know you feel this, but I feel that, so what about me? When my H forgets about the me and instead focuses on what he did wrong and how much empathy and concern he has for me, I then always see more clearly what I did wrong.

[knitwit]

She is off posting hypothetical on court and how the ex-gf will lambaste her...where in the hell did she pull that from given the facts at hand?

 

Read all the stuff that MIGHT happen and how his W MIGHT respond and feel.

 

Its pure projection on her part.

 

None of her points can be concluded from the OP - ie over the top.

 

Well, she is pretty clearly stating that she is posting from her experience. It is all what the wife "might" be feeling, and what JaneSays actually went through.

 

 

Very - I think it speaks more to the "fixer" personality of men.

I'll decline to summarize a woman's thought process as it thoroughly alludes me. I just say "Yes dear".

 

 

That is entirely up to the W. She gets to CHOOSE how to react.

If the W wants to view this as gaining a step-daughter and view it as a positive she can. If she wants to take an exclusionary path towards this innocent little girl, she can. Its the W's choice.

 

I can tell you if my W EVER did this, EVER reacted to me in this situation, I'd D her ass so fast as to make her head spin. Because that SHOWS just how cruel and insensitive a human she is to treat a little girl like that - and not just any little girl, MY daughter. A woman like that, in my eyes, isn't worth spit.

 

I would agree that this is really terrible behavior on the wife's part. Since the OP seemed surprised, I have to guess that he also felt it was out of character for her.

 

However- this gets the heart of why I am posting. This woman's life has been radically changed for no reason of her own making.

 

There seems to be a general feeling that wife should just accept that there is a new addition to the household, consider it a blessing, and every one can be happy.

 

This is NOT a blessing if suddenly

1. Her husband is spending time, money, thoughts, basically rescuing his Ex (e.g., going to the house, helping her find work, fix things, etc.)

2. Her husband is imposing his will upon her without trying to get her side of things first (e.g., "I will do what I need to do."

3. Her husband responds to any of her concerns, if she is brave enough to voice them, with "irrational" "selfish" "I am suffering too" "I was fine with you hanging with your ex, why can't you understand and deal with me hanging out with mine" or "it's your fault anyway, if you were more reasonable I'd be at home", etc. These are not things that he has indicated he has said directly to her, but are things that he has implied or directed at other posters.

 

I think everything PD has done, he has done with good intentions, trying to handle this new situation and protect his daughter.

 

However, these action are harmful to his marriage. It would be impossible for any female- or male, in a switched situation- to be able to move forward with trust, with any sense of security for their future in the family, with this type of behavior from the spouse.

 

If the daughter is going to be a blessing, it will be because PD gains some empathy and equilibrium, and his wife can do the same. It is NOT only up to the W and her actions, although poor, do not necessarily mean that she is a cold, mean person IMO. I think more likely she is afraid, resentful, and overwhelmed. PD can help her feel much better, and if so, hopefully the W will change as well.

 

Three. Lets not forget the OP's daughter.

Yes, the daughter must be going through a terribly traumatic time as well. However- she is gaining a father and two brothers. I still give the wife the "edge" in this.

 

 

The W gets a daughter to love and cherish and raise and to receive the same in return. Her sons get a sister. The Christmas table gets another seat.

 

And on and on and on....so many positives I cant count them all.

 

Maybe. The daughter could bring many positives. She could also bring many negatives.

 

One simple example- the poor daughter seems to have had an unstable upbringing. Just the fact that she is being introduced to her dad NOW, shows that she has been missing an important person in her life. Her Ex appears to be fairly messed up. I think there is a good risk that the daughter is going to have some behavioral/emotional issues, and it is not impossible that these can have substantial adverse effects on the family.

 

We don't know, and it is IMO a mistake to out of hand discount any feels of resentment and fear on the part of the wife.

 

From the posting so far, it seems quite possible that the wife is not able to voice her complaints in a way that is heard; she is told she is irrational, selfish, that her H will do what he needs to do, without consulting her.

 

If this is in fact the case- if she is not heard, if she is blown off, and feels that she is not supported- the D will NOT be a blessing!

 

The inability to get on the same page with the spouse and his/her step-children is a big contributor in the failure off marriages with step-children!

It happens all the time!

[knitwit]

Handling it perfectly would mean handling it as a team, as life partners. Yes that may have taken these 6 months to achieve and might have involved lawyers to make everything clear and secure and maybe only now would he be having regular visits with this daughter, but in the greater scheme of things, they would have been 6 months well spent. Instead we have 6 months of helping the ex move, fix things, confiding in the ex, meeting at her home, and letting the problems fester between him and his wife and everything could still be thrown up in the air with a legal challenge if proud pulls back from his "friendly" relationship with the ex.

 

I don't know what the initial months were like, but I do think having a 1 year old and a 3 year old and then finding out about a 5 year old would make this news very emotional, but on top of that came a relationship forming with the ex by moving her, etc.

 

Having said that, no one does things perfectly, and clearly both spouses contributed to not acting like a team, but rather the opposite, and letting this issue drive a wedge between them. Now they not only need to deal with this as they would always have had to do, but they also need to heal from a six month estrangement, which itself could take months to heal.

 

Proud, I repeat my advice that the key to solving this is to try to step into your wife's shoes for a while and imagine what she is feeling - trying not to compare it to what you are feeling, as in, "I feel just as bad". Just focus on her feelings for a while and let that guide you in helping to heal her insecurities, fears, pains. That is what my H and I always do, one of us always reaches out first by focussing on the other. We've found it works much better than coming at it as I know you feel this, but I feel that, so what about me? When my H forgets about the me and instead focuses on what he did wrong and how much empathy and concern he has for me, I then always see more clearly what I did wrong.

 

 

I really like this. Anything can be overcome with good communication, respect, and support.

 

His W absolutely is a contributor to the difficult situation, beginning with her request that PD handles everything; she effectively shut herself out.

 

But, this is just the beginning of the journey.

 

I think it is really awesome that you and the W are getting away for a week. I truly hope you can come together and that both of you can find empathy and understanding for each other.

 

It can be difficult enough trying to get on the same page with the spouse about one's biological child; it is even harder with step-children. But "hard" does not equal "impossible" if you can both trust and support each other.

[Mr. Lucky]

On some level, this is a pretty simple issue. PD is tied biologically to his daughter, his wife is not. Anyone here with kids understands the instinctive connection you feel to them.. Even 5 years separated, PD felt this immediately. Much of what has happened has been predictable in light of this. If you've ever step-parented or been married to one, you understand both the two sides of this and the natural gap between them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[movingon12]

Just my 2cents.

 

When I read the initial post, my first reaction was: what a crap situation, I can't believe the wife is refusing to go to counselling, how unreasonable, surely that's the only sensible option so they can move on from this.

 

Having read through more posts (on both sides) I have definitely become a lot more sympathetic to the wife. A lot of things have been brought up that hadn't even occurred to me (where will they live, what 'love' can she expect to ever receive from someone who is essentially a step-child etc).

 

The daughter's priority will always be her own mother - not the wife. Which doesn't mean she will go so far (when she's older) as to try and persuade OP and his ex to reconcile - but I can imagine the daughter will always see the wife as 'the other woman' (even though that's not fair). Children want their parents to be together. This isn't going to happen in this case, and I find it hard to believe that the daughter and wife will ever have a great relationship as a result.

 

If the ex had died and the daughter was now living with the OP permanently, I'm sure the wife would feel very differently about the situation.

 

OP: it is clear from your posts that you have been doing what you think is best in this situation. It is also clear that you disagree with a lot of what the female posters have been saying, but I do think you need to listen to them. What they are saying is very likely to be what your wife is thinking. Clearly your wife is VERY unhappy with the situation, so instead of rejecting their comments; work out how to diffuse them. What can you say that would make these posters feel better about the situation, not what can you say to prove they are wrong? Mainly what I see on here is you defending yourself. This is natural, but it's not going to help you improve your situation. Practice your ideas here where it doesn't matter if goes wrong.

 

You've been trying hard, but it clearly isn't working. So stop, regroup and try and different approach. The time away with your wife is an excellent first step.

 

Please, genuinely acknowledge and accept her pain - don't just argue that she's being illogical or selfish (deep down she probably knows this already). Don't argue that you're suffering too - the others are right: you've gained a daughter; she hasn't. These sacrifices are/will be worth it to you. They're not to her.

 

Maybe, one day, she'll feel differently, but that day is very long way away.

 

I hope you are able to work this out.

[jwi71]

Well, she is pretty clearly stating that she is posting from her experience. It is all what the wife "might" be feeling, and what JaneSays actually went through.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would agree that this is really terrible behavior on the wife's part. Since the OP seemed surprised, I have to guess that he also felt it was out of character for her.

 

However- this gets the heart of why I am posting. This woman's life has been radically changed for no reason of her own making.

 

There seems to be a general feeling that wife should just accept that there is a new addition to the household, consider it a blessing, and every one can be happy.

 

This is NOT a blessing if suddenly

1. Her husband is spending time, money, thoughts, basically rescuing his Ex (e.g., going to the house, helping her find work, fix things, etc.)

2. Her husband is imposing his will upon her without trying to get her side of things first (e.g., "I will do what I need to do."

3. Her husband responds to any of her concerns, if she is brave enough to voice them, with "irrational" "selfish" "I am suffering too" "I was fine with you hanging with your ex, why can't you understand and deal with me hanging out with mine" or "it's your fault anyway, if you were more reasonable I'd be at home", etc. These are not things that he has indicated he has said directly to her, but are things that he has implied or directed at other posters.

 

I think everything PD has done, he has done with good intentions, trying to handle this new situation and protect his daughter.

 

However, these action are harmful to his marriage. It would be impossible for any female- or male, in a switched situation- to be able to move forward with trust, with any sense of security for their future in the family, with this type of behavior from the spouse.

 

If the daughter is going to be a blessing, it will be because PD gains some empathy and equilibrium, and his wife can do the same. It is NOT only up to the W and her actions, although poor, do not necessarily mean that she is a cold, mean person IMO. I think more likely she is afraid, resentful, and overwhelmed. PD can help her feel much better, and if so, hopefully the W will change as well.

 

 

Yes, the daughter must be going through a terribly traumatic time as well. However- she is gaining a father and two brothers. I still give the wife the "edge" in this.

 

 

 

 

Maybe. The daughter could bring many positives. She could also bring many negatives.

 

One simple example- the poor daughter seems to have had an unstable upbringing. Just the fact that she is being introduced to her dad NOW, shows that she has been missing an important person in her life. Her Ex appears to be fairly messed up. I think there is a good risk that the daughter is going to have some behavioral/emotional issues, and it is not impossible that these can have substantial adverse effects on the family.

 

We don't know, and it is IMO a mistake to out of hand discount any feels of resentment and fear on the part of the wife.

 

From the posting so far, it seems quite possible that the wife is not able to voice her complaints in a way that is heard; she is told she is irrational, selfish, that her H will do what he needs to do, without consulting her.

 

If this is in fact the case- if she is not heard, if she is blown off, and feels that she is not supported- the D will NOT be a blessing!

 

The inability to get on the same page with the spouse and his/her step-children is a big contributor in the failure off marriages with step-children!

It happens all the time!

 

I wonder if the OP is posting here, or anywhere, if, when learning he has a daughter with the xGF, his W:

 

1) Freaks out but manages to realize that little girl is innocent in this all.

2) Realizes that her H didn't hide this girl nor conceive her during the M with the xGF - that he too is innocent in this

3) Accepts the girl, maybe not as a daughter but as a little girl initially and, you know, buys an ice cream cone for her

4) Works inclusively with all the people involved (her H, her boys, grandparents, the xGF and friends and so on)

5) Understands that this girl is no threat to her or her sons or her M and can be a HUGE positive.

6) Goes to MC to help work and incorporate her into the family because she IS family

 

You know, I'm guessing the OP isn't here in that circumstance above.

 

I hope this highlights where the problem IS vs where some people seem to want it to be.

 

OP, aside from rushing to the xGF (you dolt), I'm not sure what you could have done differently. I think your W has had plenty of time to digest this and begin to take positive steps in your M and in regards with your D. I hope she does for your family's sake.

 

MC and like yesterday. Your W MUST change her attitude - its not healthy or helpful (its harmful, especially to your D).

[melodymatters]

I'm with Janesays on this one ! I too have played the thankless role of stepmother and I vowed NEVER TO DO IT AGAIN. It might be one thing if the ex and kid lived far away and maybe twice a year there was visitation set up, AND the ex did not seek child support: anything contributed would be voluntary.

 

In any other case, honestly, I would leave my husband who I love very much before " sharing" him with two other woman ( yes, I am considering the little girl direct female competition for affection and resources, it might even be better if this surprise kid had turned out to be a boy )

 

So, DO realize that peoples reactions are going to run the gamut, from those thinking this child is blessing to all, and those like myself who will outright say I thinks it's curse.

 

And NO, I do NOT think ALL kids come first before ALL adults. Due to the mothers selfish decisions this child should not have the same " importance" as the two sons he had by CHOICE, within a MARRIAGE.

 

Call me a beotch, I don't care, I would not accept this situation AT ALL, and if you can't priortize:

#1 wife

#2 & #3 sons

#4 new daughter

 

I personally would leave you and get the most child support I could, and with three kids, you will be paying close to half your income.

 

Now mind you MY opinions don't count for jack, but if you thought others were being harsh, well realize that this otherwise very nice and caring person would not deal with this situation any better and probably worse.

 

Realize that children are the product of LOVE and SEX with ANOTHER WOMAN. If your wife found out you owed an old tax bill say, and that your living standards might have to change, I'm sure she would be far more understanding and your marriage would be fine.

 

Knowing that your time, love and money is now split with a product of your love and lust with another woman is a WHOLE 'nother ball game, and is VERY threatening.

 

Just my 2 cents...

[xxoo]

It is important to hear the perspective of formerly miserable step-mothers.

 

But it is equally important to acknowledge that other step-mothers have different experiences.

[jwi71]

Its important to remember that even though step-mothers, at least two, despise this little girl and view her as cancer, the H loves all three of kids EQUALLY. He has equal "skin in the game" for all three - no one child seen as superior to the others.

 

Something apparently overlooked.

[woinlove]

It is important to hear the perspective of formerly miserable step-mothers.

 

But it is equally important to acknowledge that other step-mothers have different experiences.

 

I know examples of both, but the cases involving a mother who is not a good example did not turn out well for the step-mother. It is even more challenging when the primary home is not adequately nurturing. I know of one wonderful mother and step-mother who has been unable to overcome the ill effects of the primary home on her step-daughter. She is still working on it years later, but it consumes a major part of her life and yields very little reward and much drama and angst which negatively affects her other children.

 

One has to wonder about a mother who would hide the paternity for 5 years, then show up in dire need of saving, and after being saved and moved, mention to her ex that her home is unsafe rather than dealing with the issue herself as a responsible mother would, and think it appropriate to be a comforting ear and offering advice (such as moving) on her ex's marital problems. 5 years old is old enough to wonder why daddy just shows up now and most kids will either blame themselves or some third party or both, not their mother or father.

 

Really, a sad situation all around, which all points back at the ex, who is the primary caregiver for this girl. She hasn't looked out for this girl's well-being from the start, so not sure why that would change now. Can a secondary home compensate? I'm sure it can never completely compensate. All it can do is help and I've seen an example where lots of help does not seem to have much impact. It can affect the other children quite strongly.

 

Sorry for being such a downer, but the more I think of the actions of the ex, the more depressing this whole situation seems.

[Janesays]

It is important to hear the perspective of formerly miserable step-mothers.

 

But it is equally important to acknowledge that other step-mothers have different experiences.

 

I want to make it clear that I loved my stepchildren. I loved those boys and gave the very best of myself for a solid 10 years. But, like whonlove noted, if the primary home isn't good, there is h-ll to pay and all the love in the world doesn't mean squat.

 

In fact, it makes it worse.

 

I spent 10 years fighting in court, on the phone, via email, via instant messenger. All that fighting wears on your soul, but you HAVE to do it....Otherwise an innocent child will go without a father. You spend years propping your husband up and urging him to keep fighting when he is downtrodden and hopeless. You spend hundreds of thousands of dollars. You do all the things a mother should do....help with homework, wipe noses, and cook healthy meals, swallow your anger when your valuables are flushed down the toilet..... Only to be vaguely tolerated by the children and completely demarginilized by the courts and the Mother. It doesn't matter HOW much you love those kids, you're never a 'real parent' and you have no say about anything.

 

For 10 years I worked for those boys and you know what I got in the end? The boys to realize that despite what their Mother says, I'm 'kinda nice.'

 

Then I got divorced and those boys were ripped out of my life just like that. Ever spend 10 years raising and loving 2 children just to have them taken away and know there is NOTHING you can do because you were never a real parent and your feelings were always irrelevant?

 

If I had it to do over again, I think I would have kept my distance and not gotten to attached.

 

Listen, I know these are my experiences, but they ARE NOT uncommon. I hope your wife never has to go through any of this, but I just want you to understand how she can be afraid and how those fears are not necessarily irrational.

Edited January 2, 2013 by Janesays