How can I make this right?

[woinlove]

I have a question before I stuff things up even more.

 

We were originally to go on our week long holiday starting in a fortnight. It was just to a resort so nothing overly special.

 

I have managed to get my hands on a beautiful secluded log cabin which is the cabin where I proposed to my gorgeous wife. The issue is that it is only available in a weeks time so the holiday has to be bought forward a week, no big drama there. The real issue is that this cabin is really secluded, no power, no phone reception etc. I know my wife loves this place (she has often talked about going back) but she hates being out of contact from the world.

 

I was hoping to just head off as if going to the resort but end up at the cabin as a surprise. The first 80% of the journey is the same so she would not know until we were almost there.

 

Given the tender nature of our relationship is this a good idea? Will being alone be too intense, maybe we need the distraction of other people? Is going there a good idea but the surprise part isn't (giving her time to organize anything she has to)? I don't want to get there hoping that we can just enjoy each others company for a full week but end up having her angry because she can't contact the office of something like that.

 

I think the idea is good, but probably not the surprise, given your current M. My advice would be to ask her and tell her that you know things haven't been good, you haven't been attentive enough to her and you want to spend time trying to make it up to her, or some such thing. That is what my H and I do when we want to reach out, we put all the blame on ourselves and show we want things to be better and are willing to do what is needed to make them better.

 

I think it is great you are thinking of these things. I hope everything works out for you two, and if it does, I am sure things will work out for your whole family.

[proudddad]

Well I told my wife over the weekend about our new holiday destination and it seems to have struck a chord with her. She got very emotional, told me how sweet I was and how much I meant to her. And thanked me for the 'surprise' (that isn't really a surprise anymore). We had sex for the first time in I don't know how long and made quite a habit of it this weekend. It's a total 180° turn around.

 

But the best and most important part is that we spoke a lot this weekend and very openly too. The best and most encouraging moment was when she apologized for 'not treating your daughter the way a mum should'. That meant so much to me, the fact that she acknowledged that.

 

Then I had this Love Shack lightbulb keep going off in my head. I asked her about her concerns, her feelings, her thoughts and I didn't try to problem solve, I just listened. I told her I understood her concerns and reiterated that she and our boys are what matters most to me. We reconnected this weekend and it is such a great feeling.

 

For those many here concerned about visits at my ex's. That is finished, my wife says my daughter is welcome into our home at any time.

 

I don't know why the change, I don't think it was just the simple gesture of the holiday but other than that everything else was in a holding pattern. I am still wary that this may only be temporary but I am not going to pass up the opportunity so I will take what she says as true and act accordingly.

 

I asked her to please come to counseling but she is still not keen on that idea but said she will do it for me if I make her. I don't really know what to make of that but I wont push it just yet.

 

I don't think I would have handled myself in quite the same way had it not been for these forums. I have learnt a lot about myself and the way I tend to control situations and put my feelings first from posts here. To those that I was getting a bit aggressive towards earlier in this thread I sincerely apologise. I understand now that it wasn't a judgement, just help that was being offered.

[whichwayisup]

This is the best news!! So happy for you and your wife.

 

Fact that now you can have your daughter in your home, will be easier and also sets up boundries with your ex. Just like any other divorced couple who have kids, only deal with your ex and speak to her about stuff concerning your daughter. Yes, she is the mother of your child, but you two are not 'friends', nor a part of each others personal lives. Having boundries and rules in place also shows your ex (not that she is going to, but she could as you really don't know her - Though you DO know what she is capable of) not to ever try to come between you and your wife/sons and daughter. She messed up in the past and took many years away from you.

 

She must have other family, friend etc., to help her out. Her relying on you to fix stuff in the house all the time has to stop. She managed just fine before, and survived. I know you feel obligated because of your daughter, but keep in mind always, your ex is not 'a friend'. stay emotionally detached from her. Your wife needs to see this too so she doesn't ever have to worry or feel threatened.

[woinlove]

Thanks for the update, prouddad. That is great news and it sounds like your wife was also ready to do some reaching out. I hope this continues and it sounds like you will do what you can to make sure it does. I find open and honest communication, lots of it, to be the key to a happy M. It creates intimacy and nurtures the love.

 

On counselling, you could still learn useful things on your own and maybe as that happens and you discuss things with your wife, she will be more ready to join you. Maybe see what your wife thinks of you trying things out for a couple of visits and if you find the counsellor useful, would she then be more ready to join you.

Edited January 7, 2013 by woinlove

[jwi71]

Good news indeed!!

 

I hope your W continues to recover and choose healthy behaviors for you, your children and your M.

 

I still think therapy is beneficial - I hope you can all go to help work through this massive life change.

[mitchell]

Glad to hear this great news!!

[proudddad]

Had my daughter the last two nights at our place. It went amazingly well. When my ex picked her up my wife took her out and they spoke for more than an hour.

 

My wife wont tell me what was said, secret woman's stiff or some rubbish but I'm not complaining while everything is going so great.

 

We ore off on our holiday tomorrow. Hopefully we get a chance to really talk without all the distractions of the modern world.

 

I will update when I get back.

[woinlove]

Had my daughter the last two nights at our place. It went amazingly well. When my ex picked her up my wife took her out and they spoke for more than an hour.

 

My wife wont tell me what was said, secret woman's stiff or some rubbish but I'm not complaining while everything is going so great.

 

We ore off on our holiday tomorrow. Hopefully we get a chance to really talk without all the distractions of the modern world.

 

I will update when I get back.

 

That's so great that your daughter had a good visit at your home. Sounds like you reaching out and your wife reaching out too, is putting things back on track. Keep it up and I hope you both have a wonderful holiday.

 

Remember you are dealing with an important and potentially emotionally complex issue of blended family, so if you hear something you don't like or worry about, the answer lies in more honest, open and communication where you try to understand each other's feelings.

[Ssand2]

Maybe have someone pick up and drop off your daughter for your visits. Cut off all contact with your ex. And if you are talking about your marriage problems with your ex shame on you

[shalisha42]

In short I am married (4 years, been together 5) and we have 2 kids. We are both in our late 30’s and it’s her 2nd marriage and my first.

 

I got a facebook friend request mid year from an ex and long story short I have a 5 year old daughter to her that I just found out about, she’s now doing it rough and wanted help. Now we’ve gone through all the why didn’t you tell me stuff and it’s all been sorted so I don’t wish to drag that up anymore. I am now doing the right thing and am paying for my daughter.

 

For the record I had not even met my wife when I finished with my ex. She must have got pregnant on one of the very last times we had sex. I have had a paternity test and she is mine. We split because she moved interstate and we tried long distance relationship but I was weak and cheated.

 

The reason I am here though is that my wife is angry, and I mean real angry about this. She keeps telling me what a bad parent I am because I wasn’t there for my daughter, tells me she is worried that I would leave her and the kids for my ex (because my ex is a lot younger, she is only 26 now) and many other irrational arguments.

 

It’s been 6 months now, I had my daughter over the Christmas break and she was with us for Christmas lunch, my wife basically refuses to even acknowledge my daughter, it is very very sad. My wife and her mum had a huge fight over exactly that (at least the mother-in-law is on my side), it was a really great ruined Christmas.

 

I have become friendly again with my ex and my wife really dislikes that but I have to maintain some sort of relationship with her if I want to keep seeing my daughter. I am open with my wife when I go to see them, she is always invited, it’s not like I am going to have an affair with my ex behind my back but she just flatly refuses to believe that.

 

I have only had sex once with my wife since the day I found out (6 months ago) and while I will never cheat it is really dragging me down. I have begged with her to see someone or that we can see someone together but she refuses. I don’t know how much longer I can put up with the negativity. I asked her outright would things be better if I stopped seeing my ex and daughter and while she didn’t say yes it was clear that she wouldn’t be unhappy if that happened.

 

I don’t know what to do next. I don’t even think my wife knows what she wants me to do. I see three options (counselor, stop seeing my daughter or ride it out). My wife has ruled out the counselor and I can’t force it to happen, I refuse to stop seeing my daughter as I have missed so much already, and riding it out is really getting to me now. I have stayed at my ex’s longer just because I dread going home to face the silent abuse but of course staying there longer just makes it worse. My ex has offered to move away but that is not fair on her, me or our daughter.

 

I’m sure this has been dealt with before so if anyone had the magic solution please help. The way it’s going we are heading towards a divorce. She refuses to touch me, 50% of our communication is in anger or snide remarks and she doesn’t seem to want to make it better. It’s what I would expect if I had cheated but this is basically just a child from a previous relationship.

 

WOW. Your current wife is suffering from extreme jealousy. Was she always the jealous type? I don't think you should cut your daughter out at all. In fact, I think you should be honest with your wife. It sounds like the more she rejects you, the more she is pushing you towards this younger woman.

 

Do you feel attracted to your ex? If that is the case, what do you think would happen if you told your wife that she's actually pushing you towards this other woman based on her rejection and withholding of sex from you?

 

She sounds really immature too. Also, what do you think she'd say if you told her that you are not willing to live like this any longer? Do you think you'd move out? What do you think you'd be willing to do if things didn't improve between you and your wife?

[shalisha42]

You do not have to have a 'friendship or relationship' with your ex. It's like a divorced couple..You only deal with her when it has to do with your child.

 

You've had a DNA test done I take it, to make sure 100 percent she's yours?

 

Anyway, why not have just your daughter at your place..No need to reconnect with your ex and spend alone time with her and your daughter. You and your ex are NOT a family..You and your wife ARE family.

 

I disagree. He needs to have a relationship with the mother of his child. They need to discuss things regarding his child. It's not that simple as saying, "the check is in the mail." His wife is the immature jealous one. Also, he stated it's her second marriage. I bet it was this same infantile behavior that either caused him to leave her or cheat on her.

[proudddad]

We are back from our holiday and it didn’t go exactly as I hoped. We made plenty of progress in regard to my daughter. My wife’s biggest issue was just the fact that it is a daughter. My wife wants a daughter of her own and is jealous that I got one and she didn’t.

 

The part that didn’t go well was that I also leant a bit of distressing news, that my wife did cheat on me while all this was going on. According to her it only went as far as oral sex before she stopped it. To make matters worse he is a married man also. I’m not really sure what I want to do about this, I told her I need time to think.

 

She is very apologetic and saying it will never happen again which I guess is what all cheaters say. At the end of the day though she still cheated. I acknowledge I was partly responsible by not giving her the emotional support when it was needed because I had other things going on but while that may diminish her responsibility slightly it does not excuse it.

 

We will get through this. She has stated that she wants to work things out and while I have not given her an answer yet I have no intention of leaving.

 

So much for the romantic week away.

 

On a happier note we dropped past my daughters on the way home and she was so happy to see me, her smile is truly heart melting. My wife and my ex again ended up in a long private conversation. I must say I am a little paranoid about that. If it’s not appropriate for me to have contact with my ex then surely the same applies to my wife with my ex? Or is that just paranoia? I mean what could they possibly be discussing that they wont share with me?

[whichwayisup]

I disagree. He needs to have a relationship with the mother of his child. They need to discuss things regarding his child. It's not that simple as saying, "the check is in the mail." His wife is the immature jealous one. Also, he stated it's her second marriage. I bet it was this same infantile behavior that either caused him to leave her or cheat on her.

 

You need to read the whole thread, seems you don't know the whole story here.

 

I didn't say he has to cut her off,,,he just needs to have to deal with her about their child.

[whichwayisup]

We are back from our holiday and it didn’t go exactly as I hoped. We made plenty of progress in regard to my daughter. My wife’s biggest issue was just the fact that it is a daughter. My wife wants a daughter of her own and is jealous that I got one and she didn’t.

 

The part that didn’t go well was that I also leant a bit of distressing news, that my wife did cheat on me while all this was going on. According to her it only went as far as oral sex before she stopped it. To make matters worse he is a married man also. I’m not really sure what I want to do about this, I told her I need time to think.

 

She is very apologetic and saying it will never happen again which I guess is what all cheaters say. At the end of the day though she still cheated. I acknowledge I was partly responsible by not giving her the emotional support when it was needed because I had other things going on but while that may diminish her responsibility slightly it does not excuse it.

 

We will get through this. She has stated that she wants to work things out and while I have not given her an answer yet I have no intention of leaving.

 

So much for the romantic week away.

 

On a happier note we dropped past my daughters on the way home and she was so happy to see me, her smile is truly heart melting. My wife and my ex again ended up in a long private conversation. I must say I am a little paranoid about that. If it’s not appropriate for me to have contact with my ex then surely the same applies to my wife with my ex? Or is that just paranoia? I mean what could they possibly be discussing that they wont share with me?

 

You and your wife really REALLY need to do marriage counseling..So many issues going on and that bomb she just dropped on you.

 

And find out what they are talking about it.. Something feels off...

[proudddad]

And find out what they are talking about it.. Something feels off...

 

I told her tonight I want answers. I am sick and tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere and now finding out that she cheated. I told her if she doesn't commit to me and this marriage, which means also committing to counseling, then I am left with no choice but to leave and I wont be giving up my boys without one heck of a fight.

 

I got no response, she has gone back in her 'I refuse to talk to you' shell. I told her that I was disappointed that she even had to think about this and that I expected an 'I will do whatever it takes' answer straight away. I gave her 24 hours to make her decision.

 

I've probably gone about this the wrong way, but what's new, I normally do. I am just too tired to keep fighting when I feel my wife is sabotaging all my efforts.

 

I didn't ask for this. I know she didn't either and I understand that I got great benefit out of it in a daughter while all she got was a screwed up situation. But there is a line you just don't cross and she crossed it.

 

And now she is having secret conversations with my ex. Something is wrong with this picture, I feel I am being set up for something.

[Janesays]

Awww. PD, I'm so sorry to hear this. From your past couple of posts, it seemed like you were making great progress. But you might be in a 'too little too late' stage in your marriage now. I always suspected your wife had one foot out the door judging from your past posts, but now learning that she straight up cheated, I think it's pretty safe to say she wants out. Yesterday.

 

I'd get an attorney and do your very best to work out a situation that is optimal for your 3 children. Really really sorry to this.

[woinlove]

Very sorry to hear this, prouddad. That is a huge betrayal to find out about. The one positive is that she told you.

 

If you want to stay married, given all you are dealing with, MC seems essential. Personally, I think open and honest communication is the route to healing and establishing intimacy, and that means your W being completely open about how she has betrayed you, what her dealings are with your ex, as well as you discussing the fact you looked into the child care situation, confided in your ex, etc. Depending on how you two interact, these can be discussed alone or with a counsellor present. I hope your family heals from all this, and if you do, you can come out stronger and wiser.

[jwi71]

I told her tonight I want answers. I am sick and tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere and now finding out that she cheated. I told her if she doesn't commit to me and this marriage, which means also committing to counseling, then I am left with no choice but to leave and I wont be giving up my boys without one heck of a fight.

 

I got no response, she has gone back in her 'I refuse to talk to you' shell. I told her that I was disappointed that she even had to think about this and that I expected an 'I will do whatever it takes' answer straight away. I gave her 24 hours to make her decision.

 

I've probably gone about this the wrong way, but what's new, I normally do. I am just too tired to keep fighting when I feel my wife is sabotaging all my efforts.

 

I didn't ask for this. I know she didn't either and I understand that I got great benefit out of it in a daughter while all she got was a screwed up situation. But there is a line you just don't cross and she crossed it.

 

And now she is having secret conversations with my ex. Something is wrong with this picture, I feel I am being set up for something.

 

You've gotten good advice - and advice I don't agree with - in fact found flat out horrible.

 

From what you write - your M is collapsing BECAUSE of your W.

You have DONE NOTHING WRONG - rather you are dealing with a W - who is more problem than cure.

 

And she reacts to all this by cheating - and blaming YOU for it (not emotionally there).

 

Excuse me, perhaps she forgot about the cold-hearted b!tch routine she pulled. And the meltdown she choose in front of your daughter. Good gravy - your W is nothing but trouble.

 

She CHOSE this. She CHOSE every action, every word. This is no accident.

 

You are seeing her character - do not lightly dismiss it - this is WHO she is.

 

The trust you had, shaken with her utterly childish and damaging behavior towards your D, is shattered by the fact she is handing out blow-jobs. That's not acceptable stress relief to say the least.

 

Given what you write - my advice is to hire a lawyer. Your M, by virtue of your W's behavior ALONE, brought the M onto shaky ground and now, with his revelation, blows it completely up.

 

Personally, given her recent behaviors - I'd file and move on.

 

I know its not what you want to hear - but its what I feel is best given what you have shared.

 

Your W is trouble. Get rid of her.

[proudddad]

She went out today without saying where.

 

I had a gut feeling something was up so I sent a mate who lives nearby to my ex to drive past. My wife's car was parked out the front. I have no idea what to make of this.

 

When my wife gets home she better either give me answers or give me the keys and fu*k off.

 

So sick of this sh*t.

[dreamingoftigers]

She went out today without saying where.

 

I had a gut feeling something was up so I sent a mate who lives nearby to my ex to drive past. My wife's car was parked out the front. I have no idea what to make of this.

 

When my wife gets home she better either give me answers or give me the keys and fu*k off.

 

So sick of this sh*t.

That is really weird. WTF.

[woinlove]

She went out today without saying where.

 

I had a gut feeling something was up so I sent a mate who lives nearby to my ex to drive past. My wife's car was parked out the front. I have no idea what to make of this.

 

When my wife gets home she better either give me answers or give me the keys and fu*k off.

 

So sick of this sh*t.

 

That sounds very strange and I don't know what to make of it either. You have a right to know what is going on between your W and ex.

[proudddad]

Well it’s been one roller coaster ride after another recently and it doesn’t look like stopping any time soon.

 

I confronted my wife when she came home the other night and she dropped a bombshell that I am still trying to sort out in my head.

 

Apparently she has been talking to my ex about ‘issues’. I have just found out those issues are MAJOR issues. My ex has cancer and has at best 2 years to live.

 

My wife found this out after confronting my ex about her relationship with me and why she came back. Once my wife heard this news her loving caring nature came out and that’s when her attitude changed.

 

The hope is that my daughter will transition to us so she still has a family unit when the inevitable happens. To make this easier my wife has asked my ex and daughter to move in with us. We have a fully self contained unit out the back so they wont actually be in the house with us but still on our property. I was never consulted on this.

 

This is the loving caring wife I have always known, always helping others, but I still can’t get past the fact that she cheated. I told her to leave so she is currently living with one of her friends while the kids stay at home with me where they belong.

 

I am totally stuck in a crap situation now. I don’t want my ex to move in while my wife isn’t here but I have no idea where my wife and I are heading. My ex obviously needs support but I am not sure I am in a good enough place to offer that support.

 

So it looks like I may well be a single dad with 3 kids sometime in the next 2 years. Not how I thought my life would pan out when I met the woman of my dreams.

 

I have been thinking that I may just have to suck up the cheating and make it work with my wife so that my boys have a strong solid foundation at home and so we can make what time my ex has left bearable and my daughters transition and grief as pain free as possible.

 

I normally have a clear direction of where I am heading (even if it is the wrong way) but right now I am just in a haze. I have no idea of what is the right thing to do or who’s feelings I should put first.

[Lillyfree]

 

I normally have a clear direction of where I am heading (even if it is the wrong way) but right now I am just in a haze. I have no idea of what is the right thing to do or who’s feelings I should put first.

 

Your children's.

 

All considering, maybe all three of you should sit down and work out how you want things to develop so that it's best for the kids.

[proudddad]

Your children's.

 

All considering, maybe all three of you should sit down and work out how you want things to develop so that it's best for the kids.

 

Sorry that was badly worded. of course my kids come first. I was referring to the adults. Do I disregard my own feelings and stay for my kids? Do my ex's feelings have any relevance? Does my wife get a free pass for cheating just to keep the happy home?

[Lillyfree]

Sorry that was badly worded. of course my kids come first. I was referring to the adults. Do I disregard my own feelings and stay for my kids? Do my ex's feelings have any relevance? Does my wife get a free pass for cheating just to keep the happy home?

 

i really am not sure who out of three of you should come first, after the children.

 

you are not in an enviable situation. there's so many things going on and someone will always end up unhappy.

 

maybe if you put down the kids' happiness as a goal, and then work towards that goal together...all three of you, every one doing what needs to be done.

 

maybe put aside your efforts to have everything sorted right now. make sure the kids are right and then tackle other problems one at a time.