How can I make this right?

[woinlove]

Proud, I don't think the situation with your wife's ex is similar. Your situation completely changed the family you created with your wife forever. You just can't compare that to her ex, their dog. Also this was unknown until after 4 years of marriage and 2 children makes it completely different from her ex.

 

I would have expected your wife to be in shock for at least a few months, trying to grapple with how the family you created together is not what it seemed. And your children are just 1 and 3, those are demanding years, where there is already a lot going. She probably had no clue what she wanted or how this was going to work when she told you to just deal with it yourself. I'm sure you didn't either. But in dealing with it yourself, it further deepened the rift in your family. You need to deal with this as a couple, no matter how difficult that may be.

 

If you want to save you M - and from what you write, I think there is a good chance it could end and you will have two sets of children to arrange visits for - then I think it serves you best to strive to focus on your wife's feelings and interpret her telling you to do things, suggesting you aren't a good parent, as a cry for help because she has not figured out what this all means yet for you and your family with her. It won't be easy as the intimacy is already weakened or gone, she likely created a wall after watching you help and make your ex your friend, subliminally feeling your family is no longer enough for you and is lacking.

 

Consistent, maintained, empathy for your wife will be needed in order to get through and get to a stage where you can start to act like life partners, acting together rather than at odds with each other.

 

You thought my comment about your wife not having unprotected sex that produced a child was harsh. But, again, I'm trying to get you to empathize with your wife. For you, you could likely never wish your ex didn't get pregnant, because that would be like wishing your daughter away. But for your wife, this would be a very typical and natural immediate reaction. Her life changed in a way she had no control over, forever tying you to your ex, changing the dynamics of all she values most, her marriage and her children, and bringing up the uncertainty of just where her family fits in with your new expanded family.

 

I really think professional help may be needed. But I suspect your wife feels so many strong and irrational fears that she feels "unprepared" to talk to a professional, or fears that all she worries about will be exposed as irrational, much like her mother reacted. A mediocre counsellor could do this and just makes things worse. A good counsellor would recognize the importance of your wife's fears and really try to work through them. By the way, I suspect her mother was also acting out of fear. The fear of her daughter's marriage breaking up and she thinks if her daughter just accepted this situation, in whatever form it takes, her marriage would stay intact. Faulty thinking. You can't guilt someone or team up against them to make them feel secure. Your wife is feeling insecure for a good reason and that needs to be dealt with with empathy, compassion, understanding and wisdom.

 

Ultimately, you, your wife, all 3 of your children could come out happy and enriched by this experience. But don't understimate the minefield of emotions and fears that need to be dealt with to get there. This would have been true from day 1. Now there are even more than there would have been if you had said to your wife when she told you to deal with it yourself "No, you are the most important person in my life and we need to deal with this together, even if that takes time. I don't want anything to cause a rift between us. I've already waited 5 years unknowingly, we can take some time and sort out how this will work and make sure both of us and our children are all happy and secure. We don't need to decide this week, but let's start by talking about our feelings, even the irrational ones."

[knitwit]

ProudDad- can you admit that you just don't speak "woman"? JAP and JaneSays are not irrational. Count me in as another woman, married with a kid, who would also be furious at your actions.

 

Listen, I get that you are in a really tough spot. I also get that you are trying your best- there are no manuals on how to make this work, so you are doing whatever you can.

 

There are things that I think you really need to work on. I am assuming that you came on here for help, so since you asked...

 

First- when your wife was in contact- as in, hanging out regularly at his house, with him, having fun with the dog, giving up shared marital funds, and basically putting him over you? Was the dog expected to outlive you, and were you ready to have the dog get some of the resources that would otherwise go to your boys?

 

Ridiculous, right? I know you talked about it in your previous post, b/c one of other posters asked you about it. However, I am putting this here b/c you gave it earlier as an example of a time when you didn't have an issue with your wife spending time with her ex. (I sincerely hope you haven't actually verbalized this comparison to your wife. If you did- you need to retract it and apologize and explain why this is not even a close comparison.)

 

Next- the locksmith. You said" To go back to the lock example I used, I believe that is directly to do with my child. I dont want to talk to much about my ex but her issues are financial. I find out a lock is broken and it needs to be fixed, she will fix it in a week or so when she can get some money together. My daughter is in that house. I am going to fix it now! How can I not, it is biologically built into me to protect my kith and kin."

 

So yes, it is quite easy (maybe even rational?) to read this as you went over to fix this quickly. that is what "I am going to fix it now" usually means.

 

The solution to that would have been just what JaneSays suggested. Call a locksmith. Then it would get fixed immediately and you would not have had to go there.

 

I want to give you a different perspective, some things that your wife might be thinking about. Now, I don't know your wife, so I am not saying that these ARE thoughts she is considering, but I know these are things that would bounce around the heads of me and my friends. I put them here for your consideration.

 

1. There are many people who will not date single/divorced parents. They don't want the complications of a blended family. Your wife suddenly has to deal with all this. She is now in a situation that takes her from a basic "simple" family life into something with lots of complications. She did not have any choice in this.

 

2. Her financial status has now changed, and not for the better. She is sharing resources with not only a child who isn't hers, but another woman. Is there an increase in cash flow to counteract this? If not, it is a loss, and it is likely to be an ongoing loss.

 

3. Her husband is doing the Knight In Shining Armor act with this ex of his.

 

4. Her children's financial and emotional status have changed. They are now going to have to share their resources with another half-sister and their father's ex. What does this mean for them as far as clothing, schooling, time with their family, holidays, vacations? What about college? What about any kind of inheritance?

 

(BTW, by this alone, I can understand your wife's bitterness and not getting your daughter an ice cream cone. It is NOT good behavior, and at some point, she is likely to cringe when she thinks back on it- but it isn't just coming out of nowhere.)

 

5. The big one- the husband and the kids get a positive out of this. They are getting a blood relation. The wife, who had an intact family, is suddenly on the outside. There is a relational gain for everyone but her. She has only substantial negatives.

 

Do you know that blended families have the highest divorce rate? I think it is something like 70% of blended families fail, it is probably a substantial contributor to the statistic showing second marriage have a much higher divorce rate than first/single marriages.

 

 

I am putting this here in the hopes that you might gain some empathy for your wife. She might not be behaving well, but it is not irrational, it is not necessarily b/c she doesn't want things to get better- it is because she has just been dealt a major, major blow. Instead of being supportive, you have not understood and instead....

 

You decided it was best to spend your time with the ex, in HER HOME, with your "new" family.

 

You have gone into Rescue Mode with your daughter and the Ex, while leaving your wife on her own and- if you have the same attitude in real life that you seem to have on your posting- basically feel that she needs to ship up, accept what is happening, and go along with it all. In other words, she needs to suck it up.

 

This all might seem harsh. I know you have been struggle to gain some balance as you are dealing with many of the same issues. You are in a pretty rare situation, in that for most blended families, there has been history, a trajectory and a progression. There have been boundaries drawn, negotiated, and re-negotiated over time as history has helped define what does and does not work. You and your family have been thrown into this, there is bound to be confusion and some trial and error.

 

The name of your post is "How can I make things right?" That is a great question. Here are my suggestions.

 

It is a new year- this is a great time for a new start. Hopefully you and your wife had a lovely evening and can draw close to work through this together. I like everything WoInLove said (I usually do!). Give your wife lots of assurance. Try to see things from her eyes. Try to see that she is struggling. Find out what she wants, what it will take for her to start to be comfortable with your daughter coming into her life- it is going to take time.

 

The main two things in my opinion-

 

1. Recognize and respect that you have suddenly jumped into a high risk category for marriages. Protect the marriage first. Be the Knight In Shining Armor for your wife, not your ex, or even your daughter.

 

If you can strengthen your marriage, you will have a strong and secure "shelter" for your sons and eventually your daughter. If you aren't able to strengthen your marriage, there is a high risk that your boys as well as your daughter will be from split homes.

 

Do not take for granted, based on the strength of your previous single family life and relationship, that your marriage will get past this. Actively build your marriage, it will need to be strong for this.

 

2. It is imperative that you draw strong boundaries with the Ex. Go to Divorced forums, ask how people deal with this. You need to treat her as if she was your divorced Ex. Do NOT spend time alone with her. Learn to keep her at distance. This is an example where being thrown into the situation has put you at a disadvantage. You have not seen, or acted upon, the fact that it is NOT SAFE for your current marriage for you to continue to "rescue" your Ex, to spend time with her, to treat her as anything as the ex that she is. Do not be "friends". Maybe later on, but not now. Your primary "Co Parent" has GOT to be your wife- she needs to come first for everything here.

 

And, it is going to take a lot of time, and reassurance, for your wife to understand and feel safe that you are putting her first. This is b/c you clearly have not for a while, not in this situation. But if you can keep at it and be consistent and keep good communication, hopefully this will change.

 

Good luck!

[knitwit]

WoInLove said everything I wanted to in a more concise and elegant manner.

[firemanq]

Some of you ladies are beating this guy up for being a man and accepting his responsibilities to the child. Instead, you should be praising him for stepping forward.

 

What you ladies do not understand is this guy has no concept of what he is doing to his wife and their children. Guys are stupid that way. He has to back off w/his relationship with the X. The only topic should be the child they have together.

 

When the wife refueses to buy the child an ice cream cone, she sends the wrong message to the husband, the girl, and their children that the girl is an interloper and is of no value. I understand the wife's viewpoint, and her feelings. If this deliberate hatefull action by the wife keeps up,the child will not want to keep a relationship with the father. Then the girl is deprived of a decent father figure. My limited experience is that girls and boys need a good father figure in their lives.

 

The X is at fault for not letting the guy know about the child long before

this. She is piece of crap for her actions. Her actions do not bode well for the little girl, as a really poor example is being set for her. What the child has is a bad female example being taught.

 

I feel this whole situation is likely to end poorly for everyone, especially the children.

 

Sounds as if all the adults need counciling, and possibly the children.

 

I hope the adults keep the children in mind as they sort all this out.

[woinlove]

WoInLove said everything I wanted to in a more concise and elegant manner.

 

Actually, your post has a lot of new insights and suggestions which should be very useful for the OP. In the end, it is trying to see things from your spouse's perspective and using that insight to make things better.

 

That and putting an end to the inappropriate relationship with the ex, which everyone agrees on and which the OP has said he recognizes now.

Edited January 1, 2013 by woinlove

[whichwayisup]

Okay, basically time for some harshness here.

 

Your wife has to suck it up and BE there for your daughter. You've handled everything well and your wife still isn't happy.

 

Your wife should extend an olive branch and go for coffee with your ex. This situation is NOT going away and your daughter is there to stay. Your wife has to come to peace with all this otherwise it WILL eventually make you resent and possibly hate her for not accepting your daughter. she doesn't have to be the child's mom, she can be a friend and get to know her, learn to love her like her own as time goes on.

 

Your wife MUST do counseling, there's no doubt about that.

[proudddad]

It seems that many here are making many excuses for my wife. Look, I get that she is doing it tough, I get that is the way she sees it. The reality is that WE are doing it tough. I am not just cruising through this thinking wow I have a daughter now, how great. It has stirred up my family life, it has affected my finances, it has affect me personally. Why does everyone think that I am just doing it easy? I don't want to fight with my wife, I want her to acknowledge that WE are doing it tough and that WE need to sort this out.

 

I am not friends with my ex, in fact I hate her guts right now for keeping my daughter from me. But I can't afford to express those emotions because that will affect my time with my daughter. My wife know how I feel about me ex, I do not keep this a secret. Everything I do regarding my ex and daughter is solely for my daughter, my ex does not enter into my thoughts at all.

 

I don't know where we are heading but I can assure you of this, I will not give up on any of my kids. If my wife cannot accept my daughter being part of OUR family then I have no choice but to see my daughter elsewhere and then that creates it's own set of issues as we have discussed.

 

The kids are going to the in-laws for a week, I am taking my wife away for the week, so hopefully we can relax and talk openly and honestly and start the road to healing this rift.

[Janesays]

Well, did you come here for advice or did you come here for kudos, pity, and for us to tell you what you want to hear?

[knitwit]

Interesting. So I was curious b/c prior to WWIU's post above, the responses seem to fall across the gender line. I asked my DH for his opinion.

 

He, too, was of the "she (the wife) needs to suck it up" belief. He definitely agreed that PD needs to stop hanging out with the wife as friends, but he was empathetic on how the situation came to be.

 

He pointed out that women can't truly get this, because it is impossible for us to have a child and not know it. He gave his own theoretical situation: imagine that DH and our son went on a hike or a walk and disappeared, never to be seen again. Perhaps our son's mangled stroller was found, but no bodies, and they were believed to be dead. I move on, get married to someone else, have a few kids with them.

 

Then, after 5 years, suddenly our son reappears. DH looked at me straight in the eye and asked if I could honestly say that I wouldn't turn my world upside down in order to be with my son? That I wouldn't do any and everything in my power to make sure that my son was safe, secure- including giving $ and time to the guy who took of him, even if it took $ and time away from my current family?

 

Well. Huh. Obviously it is not quite the same, but even trying to imagine such a scenario just stops me dead in my tracks. I certainly would do any and everything in my power to re-establish a relationship with my child, and to ensure his well-being.

 

This little theoretical exercise helped me to really empathize with PD.

 

At the same time- it doesn't change the fact that the introduction of the daughter puts PD's current or "primary"- for lack of a better word- family at risk. And the heart of his current family- the person who is the factor in whether the primary stays together or splits apart- is the wife.

 

If you think of the range of possible outcomes, there is really only one "good" outcome- that your "primary" family and your daughter are able to integrate and become a happy family.

 

Otherwise, it can be conceptualized as a bull's eye target, a very small circle in the center of a large range of possible outcomes, each less and less appealing. It is very hard to hit that center- even for families where the parents knew and agreed going into it that they would be step-parents.

 

The odds are against you (general you), and perhaps even moreso for the specific, PD, you. The best way to get there is to work so that the target is the known goal of both you (PD) and your wife. If you are both in agreement as to your target goal, you can work together to get there. You can discuss each situation as it arises in a way to help your decisions support your ultimate goal.

 

PD, it is my hope for you that the two of you can communicate and hold each other dear, and that each of you reach a place of empathy for the other. I hope that you can see where your wife is coming from and why she might be angry, scary, and doing things that can seem downright mean. And I hope she can get where you are coming from, and why you might be so focused on this new person in your life, and trying to help your ex, and having what would otherwise be pretty obviously terrible boundaries with the ex.

 

PD, you know your wife. She might be more guy-like, where 'suck it up' is helpful to her. However, I think it safe to say that for most women, "suck it up" is a very hurtful and not at all validating. For many women, we mostly want to be heard. You can hear her and not have to Fix it. You can just hear her, let her voice her thoughts and feelings, and let her know that you can see where she is coming from. In general, this is what makes women feel safe.

 

I really respect WWIU, but I think you need to hold off on trying to pressure your wife right now. Honestly, she only needs to accept one fact- her life has changed. What she thought was true, no longer is the case. It is now up to her how she wants to handle it. She doesn't have to have the new daughter in her life at all- she can choose divorce and only have to deal with her ex (PD) and her children. This is not a great option, but it certainly could be on the table. (If it were me, at this point in my life, and my DH tried to strong-arm me on this, I would file as soon as possible if the Ex hasn't yet, so that my children would get as much child support as possible and not just leftovers.)

 

I said earlier, of all the players in this drama, the wife is the only one who doesn't have a biological, relational gain in this. PD, if you can, and if she is willing, I hope you can hear your wife out, support her, assuage her fears, and help her to see the target of an integrated family, which is where there is a positive for her as well. In fact, this is really the best outcome for her, where she gains a daughter.

 

But she won't have this gain if you aren't able to show her that she is still the Wife of the family, the trusted companion, the most valued adviser. Otherwise she will (rightly, I think) worry that her place will always change at the whim of the daughter and/or the ex. She will not have security, she will not be able to feel sure of her life plan or future if you are not able to have her as your partner and co-parent. You need to involve her in all decisions, IMO.

 

Well, this is my free advice, since you asked on an internet forum. Good luck! I do hope that you guys can come together and make this work!

[knitwit]

It seems that many here are making many excuses for my wife. Look, I get that she is doing it tough, I get that is the way she sees it. The reality is that WE are doing it tough. I am not just cruising through this thinking wow I have a daughter now, how great. It has stirred up my family life, it has affected my finances, it has affect me personally. Why does everyone think that I am just doing it easy? I don't want to fight with my wife, I want her to acknowledge that WE are doing it tough and that WE need to sort this out.

 

I am not friends with my ex, in fact I hate her guts right now for keeping my daughter from me. But I can't afford to express those emotions because that will affect my time with my daughter. My wife know how I feel about me ex, I do not keep this a secret. Everything I do regarding my ex and daughter is solely for my daughter, my ex does not enter into my thoughts at all.

 

I don't know where we are heading but I can assure you of this, I will not give up on any of my kids. If my wife cannot accept my daughter being part of OUR family then I have no choice but to see my daughter elsewhere and then that creates it's own set of issues as we have discussed.

 

The kids are going to the in-laws for a week, I am taking my wife away for the week, so hopefully we can relax and talk openly and honestly and start the road to healing this rift.

 

I am not making excuses for your wife. I am trying to show you that she deserves EMPATHY, not blame. Your life is upside but you get a substantial plus out of it- you now have a wonderful, beautiful, daughter!

 

Your wife right now gets S.H.I.T. She gets attitude from you, she is no longer THE family for her sons, she is losing money, time, future stuff- you name it!

 

You guys are in very difficult territory. Both of you deserve empathy.

 

Do NOT assume that she is going to continue to be going through this with you. We are posting to you because we see significant danger of your wife leaving, whereas you seem to assume she will "suck it up" as she "should."

 

If you continue to see your child at your ex's house, then I strongly suspect that you are also going to see your sons in a house without their mom at some point as well.

 

IMO saying that you do not like her behavior with your daughter, but you think you might understand it, or, if you can't understand it, can she tell you where she is coming from- this will likely go much further with her.

 

Believe it or not, I (and I think the other females) are trying to help you.

 

I am so glad to hear that you are going away for a week- I think this is a fantastic idea. I hope you two are able to come together and start to truly face this as a team.

[woinlove]

It seems that many here are making many excuses for my wife. Look, I get that she is doing it tough, I get that is the way she sees it. The reality is that WE are doing it tough. I am not just cruising through this thinking wow I have a daughter now, how great. It has stirred up my family life, it has affected my finances, it has affect me personally. Why does everyone think that I am just doing it easy? I don't want to fight with my wife, I want her to acknowledge that WE are doing it tough and that WE need to sort this out.

 

I am not friends with my ex, in fact I hate her guts right now for keeping my daughter from me. But I can't afford to express those emotions because that will affect my time with my daughter. My wife know how I feel about me ex, I do not keep this a secret. Everything I do regarding my ex and daughter is solely for my daughter, my ex does not enter into my thoughts at all.

 

I don't know where we are heading but I can assure you of this, I will not give up on any of my kids. If my wife cannot accept my daughter being part of OUR family then I have no choice but to see my daughter elsewhere and then that creates it's own set of issues as we have discussed.

 

The kids are going to the in-laws for a week, I am taking my wife away for the week, so hopefully we can relax and talk openly and honestly and start the road to healing this rift.

 

Your wife isn't here asking for advice, you are, and you can only control your own actions, not hers. You say your wife needs to acknowledge this and do that. Maybe she will spontaneously do that. But don't count on it. If you'd rather be right than be married, just keep doing what you are doing. On the other hand, if you want to stay married, then I would take the advice here to heart and try to see things from your wife's perspective.

[Mr. Lucky]

It seems that many here are making many excuses for my wife. Look, I get that she is doing it tough, I get that is the way she sees it.

Your situation is one of those that offers two choices - you can be right or you can get the right result. You're right about both your responsibility to your daughter and that, as your partner, your wife should accept, understand and help you. Where has that gotten you so far? Sleeping on the couch, based on what you've posted...

 

You're going to have to accept that your wife feels what she feels. Is it a slightly irrational over-reaction to a perceived threat to her family? Yes. But I have the feeling that your stubborn insistence that she's off base and her feeling are groundless isn't helping your cause. You might want to rethink your approach...

 

Mr. Lucky

[woinlove]

I'm also confused about your R with your ex, because earlier you said you were friends but now you say you hate her. You say you don't keep how you feel secret from you wife, so does your wife know you discussed problems concerning your wife with your ex? If so, how did your wife react to that? I would expect that to hurt her and feel like she could not confide in you or you might say something to the ex. She needs to know that what goes on between you two won't be shared with your ex. You can't have intimacy without that trust.

Edited January 2, 2013 by woinlove

[proudddad]

I'm also confused about your R with your ex, because earlier you said you were friends but now you say you hate her.

 

I have a friendship 'type' relationship based purely on needs. Underneath I despise her for what she did.

 

You say you don't keep how you feel secret from you wife, so does your wife know you discussed problems concerning your wife with your ex?

 

No, and she wont either. It was an open ear when I needed one. I acknowledge this mistake and it wont happen again.

[proudddad]

1) do you have anything resembling a formal court order governing child support, custody, and visitation rights and obligations? Doesn't sound like it--which is a totally half-assed way for you to handle things in the first place. You need to see a lawyer and get your little arrangements all nice and official.

 

There is nothing formal as yet but it will be done in time. The more pressing issue at the time was getting to see my daughter. The more pressing issue right now is my marriage.

 

2) Do you actually truly believe your wife was visiting her DOG???? ROFLMAO. She was banging her ex for sure, which is why she is "projecting" on you right now--she thinks you're doing the same thing she was doing.

 

Yeah, maybe in a porn movie that happens but I trust her explicitly. Being an animal lover myself I know the attachment one can get to an animal.

 

3) Did you do a DNA test on your other two kids yet? You should.

 

I see no need for that.

 

4) You're caught between two immature selfish irresponsible women, you need to take control of sh*t.

 

Taking control is not as easy as it sounds. I know the path I would like to take but as evidenced here by the replies not everyone travels the same path. Given that the path I want to travel may well be the wrong path I have to tread carefully, listen closely and take time to ponder any decisions.

[KraftDinner]

Ugh. I feel for you and I feel for your wife.

 

Okay...this may be an unpopular viewpoint, but is it really healthy to ANYONE other than yourself (stay with me here...not an attack) to try and integrate this kid into your family right away? Is this helping the daughter? She's aware of your wife's disdain for her. I promise you that. She probably gets weird vibes from your sons, and she's expected to spend all this time with a strange man (DNA means nothing here -- you are strange to her) who although he is probably very nice to her, is probably kind of scary.

 

And your wife is expected to accept this right away. It could take YEARS.

 

But to try and turn this into an instant family...that's so unrealistic.

 

I understand you feel you want to do the right thing for your daughter, but do you really know what that is? Again, not attacking. This is huge for her too.

 

Now, as for your wife... I actually got a stomach ache on her behalf reading this. If an ex of my bf showed up with a kid of his...it would absolutely break my heart. I would be completely devastated. Don't dismiss that as "irrational." Don't dismiss any of her concerns, either, even if you aren't able to understand them. Your marriage depends on it.

 

One last thing. Your ex can fix her own damn locks. She's not a child.

[dreamingoftigers]

And you can bet the wife is jealous as **** that it's a little girl when she has two boys at home.

 

Most women I know love their sons but want to be able to have that little angel that looks like their husbands.

 

The very mention of my husband's other "baby mama" brings up my ire.

 

I accepted it long before we were married but it still does it just the same.

 

Women are very sensitive to threats of family territory (IMHO) this is a huge, enraging threat. And no it's not the daughter she's upset with.....

 

There was one case on here where the woman actually hated the other woman's son but I think that was a pretty odd, isolated, unfortunate case.

 

We know that women often attach deeper to men the bear children too. Even if we split from them, there is still strong emotion (even if it's hate) it takes a long time to dissipate. The OW (that's what she feels like right now) is going to trigger probably just about the same lines of emotion as an affair that bore a child out.

 

You can't just "suck that up."

[Janesays]

Listen, as a ex-stepmother myself, I want to take a minute to clue you into what it's like being a stepmother so you realize what you're wife is about to face. I want you to not only understand what she's dealing with, but what she's ABOUT to deal with in the future.

 

1. Judging by the poor character of your ex who had no issues whatsoever about keeping your daughter a secret from you for 7 years, I think it's safe to say there is going to come a time when you two are on the outs and she's going to try to use your daughter to manipulate you. Guess what this means? Court, lawyers, counselors, basically MONEY. LOTS of Money. Money that your wife is keenly aware that could be going to her sons.

 

2. It is likely during this time, HER character will be assassinated in court as lawyers like to suggest to ex's that it's a good legal maneuver to make the stepmother out to be 'unfit' or a 'bad influence' in order to control the father's interactions with the daughter more stringently. So, your wife will likely be humiliated in a very public way.

 

3. Maybe she wants more kids. Maybe she'd like a daughter of her own? Can you guys afford it now? Will you be able to afford it after dealing with court fees, child support, travel costs, etc? You wife may be realizing her reproductive future will forever be determined by the ex.

 

4. Speaking of daughters, if she DOES have one, she will be experiencing all the joys and nuances of raising a little girl for the first time alone. It'll all be old hat for you.

 

5. Oh, the money! The money is so huge and she has probably not even confronted the TIP of the ice berg yet. Money for lawyers, money for child support, money for outings to entertain, money for counselors, money just to shut the ex up so she won't rock the boat. Another college education to pay for, more clothes to buy, another bedroom to outfit, more toys, money, money, money. And at the end of the day, what does your wife get out of spending all of this? She gets to hear, "You can't tell me what to do! You're not my REAL MOM!" from your daughter and "your opinion is irrelevant" from the courts and your ex.

 

6. Meanwhile, her sons get LESS. Less necessities, less extracurricular activities, less future opportunities. Someone mentioned before that she's probably wondering what this new daughter means for your son's future college education, inheritance, etc?

 

7. This was a big one for me, but does your wife want to live where she is for the rest of her life? If not, it's too darn bad for her. After all, you can't move away from your daughter. So even WHERE SHE LIVES is now determined by your ex. She can't get sick of the weather and decide to head to someplace warmer. If one of you gets an amazing job opportunity halfway across the country, you have to turn it down. If she wants to attend a college in a different state, if her family moves and she wants to stay close to them, etc, etc, she is stuck. For AT LEAST 10 more years.

 

I could go on and on. I loved my ex's children, but I HATED being a stepmother. It's never fun to loose control of the major decisions in your life, but like I said before, I knew what I was signing up for when I married him. Your wife didn't. Her life has changed, for better or for worse, and she had absolutely no SAY in the matter.

 

There is NO WAY IN H-LL I'd ever marry another man with prior children now that I've experienced first hand what it's like. It's hard, it hurts, and it's totally THANKLESS. But, for your wife, there's no going back now. You've already had children together. Her dreams of a traditional, simple family are gone forever. She can't even divorce you and marry someone else and start over because that would STILL mean a blended family with you in her life and her new husband dealing with YOU.

 

Do you have to deal with all this too? Of course. But you DO get some reward out of it. You get a beautiful new daughter who will actually return your love. It'll all be 'worth it' to you in the end.

 

Dude, I know this isn't really your fault. But please just try to see it from her point of view instead of chastising her mentally for being 'selfish.' Instead, I would go to her and say something like, "Listen, I know this has probably ruined a lot of things for you personally and for us as a family. You're hurting and I get that and I'm sorry. But I want you to know that I will do whatever it takes to make this easier on you and the boys. You mean the world to me and even if our family has changed now, I still can't imagine it without you beside me."

 

Then, have a heart to heart with her, VALIDATE her feelings, and get to work.

 

And, for the love of God, QUIT VISITING YOUR CHILD AT YOUR EX'S HOUSE!

[proudddad]

Ok, let's take this one step at a time.

 

1. Judging by the poor character of your ex who had no issues whatsoever about keeping your daughter a secret from you for 7 years, I think it's safe to say there is going to come a time when you two are on the outs and she's going to try to use your daughter to manipulate you. Guess what this means? Court, lawyers, counselors, basically MONEY. LOTS of Money. Money that your wife is keenly aware that could be going to her sons.

 

Now first of all they are OUR sons. So any money that they are deprived of will be equally upsetting to me.

 

Now I wasn't going to comment because I don't think it is relevant but given that money seems to be a recurring theme I will set the record straight. We have no money issues, without going into detail we own two successful business, one that my wife and her ex had and we bought out (35 employees) and I operate a small business in my field of work with myself and 6 employees. So let's drop the constant money references ok?

 

3. Maybe she wants more kids. Maybe she'd like a daughter of her own? Can you guys afford it now? Will you be able to afford it after dealing with court fees, child support, travel costs, etc? You wife may be realizing her reproductive future will forever be determined by the ex.

 

Ignoring yet another money reference yes WE would like more kids, WE would like a daughter of our own.

 

5. Oh, the money! The money is so huge

 

Enough already

 

6. Meanwhile, her sons get LESS. Less necessities, less extracurricular activities, less future opportunities. Someone mentioned before that she's probably wondering what this new daughter means for your son's future college education, inheritance, etc?

 

Money again, Really?

 

 

7. This was a big one for me, but does your wife want to live where she is for the rest of her life? If not, it's too darn bad for her. After all, you can't move away from your daughter. So even WHERE SHE LIVES is now determined by your ex. She can't get sick of the weather and decide to head to someplace warmer. If one of you gets an amazing job opportunity halfway across the country, you have to turn it down. If she wants to attend a college in a different state, if her family moves and she wants to stay close to them, etc, etc, she is stuck. For AT LEAST 10 more years.

 

Yes, this is a valid point BUT again you are making it all about my wife. Where I live is determined by my ex. I can't get sick of the weather and move. I would have to turn down the amazing job opportunity. There are two people here that are affected equally by this.

 

I could go on and on. I loved my ex's children, but I HATED being a stepmother. It's never fun to loose control of the major decisions in your life, but like I said before, I knew what I was signing up for when I married him. Your wife didn't. Her life has changed, for better or for worse, and she had absolutely no SAY in the matter.

 

Again you are at it. When I married I didn't sign up for this either. My life has changed.

 

for your wife, there's no going back now. You've already had children together. Her dreams of a traditional, simple family are gone forever.

 

It's getting old now. For me, there is no going back. My dreams of a traditional, simple family are gone forever.

 

So how about we stop the constant money comments? It's not an issue but even if we had less I still don't think the average person would put money concerns over child concerns.

 

And please realise when you comment that pretty much everything you say about how my wife is suffering I am suffering through as well. I didn't want this, but here it is, so I am dealing with it as best I can.

[Janesays]

PD, all I hear from you is me, me, me, me. You sound like a real peach to be married too.

 

We were very well off too. My ex was a developer and I am a ethologist who runs my own business. It doesn't matter. Her kids get less. Less of how much is irrelevant. They get LESS.

 

And you missed the most major point of all, while you are BOTH going through this, at least YOU and ONLY YOU get something positive out of this. You get the love and respect of your daughter. Your wife gets nothing but obligations with no rewards. Also, none of this was HER fault. It was YOURS. You're the one who had unprotected sex, NOT HER. She is suffering for YOUR mistakes.

 

Also, I love how you ignored my points about HER being humiliated in court (Trust me, it will happen) and all the other things that affect only HER and not you, you, you, you....which is all you REALLY seem interested in.

 

You you you you you. Me me me me me. I I I I I. You sound like a broken record.

 

Yet your WIFE is the selfish one?

Edited January 2, 2013 by Janesays

[proudddad]

You you you you you. Me me me me me. I I I I I. You sound like a broken record.

 

That's a nice attempt at trying to turn it around but I am afraid I see through it. Yes my post was all I's and Me's because it was to counterbalance your post which was all your wife, your wifes kids, your wife cant move etc. My post was merely a response to yours.

 

Also, I love how you ignored my points about HER being humiliated in court (Trust me, it will happen)

 

Of course I ignored it, it is purely hypothetical. What do you want me to do, give a hypothetical response?

 

You get the love and respect of your daughter. Your wife gets nothing but obligations with no rewards.

 

What a sad way to look at it. While I understand it will take time, time will bring rewards. This blanket comment that my wife gets nothing from this is why your posts are so far over the top it is hard to take them seriously.

[knitwit]

So, what do you think your wife gets from this situation?

[xxoo]

What are your wife's reasons for refusing family counseling?

 

Insist. Schedule an appt. If she doesn't go, go alone.

 

I can sympathize with your wife, and imagine her pain. But I do wonder where her empathy is for the child. This child is a sister to her sons. The child was conceived before she met you (no betrayal involved). As a mother, it is difficult for me to understand her coldness toward the child. It seems like there may be something more going on internally---depression?

[Janesays]

PD, and you're the only one here who seems to think my posts are 'over the top.' Think about for a second. What is more likely: me and EVERYONE else (including your WIFE) is in the wrong? Or is it more likely you are in a bit of denial? This stubborn, and self serving attitude you seem to have is NOT your friend here. Defensiveness is only going to get you divorced.

[jwi71]

PD, and you're the only one here who seems to think my posts are 'over the top.'

 

No he isnt.