How can I make this right?

[woinlove]

I would try very hard not to burden my children with negative feelings about it, no matter what.

 

Yes, I think prouddad would try to do the same. But it is difficult to always mask such feelings. Maybe better to try to come to a view of each complete in its own way, so that sadness or longing does not interfere with what should be a joyous appreciation for each family coupling. Proud's enjoyment of his wife and two sons should not be any less than it was a year ago.

 

There are dads who were sperm donors and almost certainly have children elsewhere, but the arrangements are such that it should not make their current families feel incomplete. I think, more generally, one can come to terms with these different arrangements and not feel any family unit is lacking but to be treasured on its own.

[xxoo]

Yes, I think prouddad would try to do the same. But it is difficult to always mask such feelings. Maybe better to try to come to a view of each complete in its own way, so that sadness or longing does not interfere with what should be a joyous appreciation for each family coupling. Proud's enjoyment of his wife and two sons should not be any less than it was a year ago.

 

There are dads who were sperm donors and almost certainly have children elsewhere, but the arrangements are such that it should not make their current families feel incomplete. I think, more generally, one can come to terms with these different arrangements and not feel any family unit is lacking but to be treasured on its own.

 

I read that passage as a feeling, not as actions that affect his children. Maybe prouddad can clarify if and how those feelings manifest at home. The wife's feelings, similarly, would just be feelings if she could control her actions around the children.

 

I personally don't see the situation as comparable to a sperm donor situation. This is a child he conceived with his ex, while in an established, loving relationship.

[xxoo]

Ha, I had to LOL at this one. Good luck finding another woman to walk into a relationship with a man in his late 30's with 3 young children and two baby's Mommas to deal with! Unless the OP has the great fortune to meet a Mother Theresa incarnate or literally goes scrounging in the ghetto for new tail, I think it's safe to say that he'll be single for a loooooonnnnnggg time should he divorce. No one wants a man with that kind of baggage....even if he could even FIND the time to date....what with all his weekends dedicated to visits with the kids and all.

 

Another thing to think about before he blows up his marriage over this.

 

I know a guy in a similar situation, currently divorcing the second mother. He's already dating

 

Now, yes, she should be very concerned about the quality of women he'll find! But don't rule out a step-mother so fast.

[Janesays]

I know a guy in a similar situation, currently divorcing the second mother. He's already dating

 

Now, yes, she should be very concerned about the quality of women he'll find! But don't rule out a step-mother so fast.

 

There is a BIG difference between letting some guy who failed to mention on his OK cupid profile that his kids have different moms buy you dinner...

And signing up for a 17 year sentence to helping to raise other people's children.

 

Face it, one baby momma (or baby daddy) is an unfortunate mistake. Two+ baby mommas (or daddys) and you just look trashy.

[xxoo]

There is a BIG difference between letting some guy who failed to mention on his OK cupid profile that his kids have different moms buy you dinner...

And signing up for a 17 year sentence to helping to raise other people's children.

 

Face it, one baby momma (or baby daddy) is an unfortunate mistake. Two+ baby mommas (or daddys) and you just look trashy.

 

This is really beside the point. But the guy I know has women interested. Went on vacation with one, even

 

Sure, she's probably trashy....but when you divorce, you risk your kids dealing with a trashy step-mother. It is completely out of your control at that point.

[eleanorrigby]

This is really beside the point. But the guy I know has women interested. Went on vacation with one, even

 

Sure, she's probably trashy....but when you divorce, you risk your kids dealing with a trashy step-mother. It is completely out of your control at that point.

 

Dealing with a step mother is different then dealing with step-kids.

[xxoo]

Dealing with a step mother is different then dealing with step-kids.

 

Well, "do unto others," and all that.

 

If I were sitting with this wife, that's the conversation I'd be having, mother to mother. I'm not villainizing her; I think she needs some help. But she may need a reality check to motivate her into getting that help.

[Janesays]

This is really beside the point. But the guy I know has women interested. Went on vacation with one, even

 

Sure, she's probably trashy....but when you divorce, you risk your kids dealing with a trashy step-mother. It is completely out of your control at that point.

 

 

Good thing we live in a society where the feelings, wants, and desires of a step parent are irrelevant and said step parent really has no legal resource if she is mistreated.

 

100 times over I'd rather be the bio mom holding all the cards legally and emotionally.... Then be the step mother whose only options are to 'suck it up' and or walk.

[eleanorrigby]

Gotta say I'm rather shocked at how venomous some of the ladies here feel about this mans surprise child. I agree that he has no business visiting the child at the mother's house but he did say he tried just picking the girl up and bringing her home for visits but he had to stop because of how his wife behaved towards her.

 

It's not like he knew about the kid all along and tricked his wife into believing something that wasn't true. He was as shocked to find out as she was. Everyone saying that when she agreed to marry him she wasn't signing up to be a stepmother to a kid she didn't even know existed. Well Hell!! Lots of things can happen during the course of a marriage that nobody signed up for. What if your spouse became injured and ceased to work, reducing your quality of life and forcing you to be the only bread winner? I'd be reluctant to marry someone who couldn't work but if it happened after I already married him I'd have to deal with it somehow. Or should I say I didn't sign up for this and storm off to divorce court? What if an elderly parent becomes in need of care and has to move in with your family? What if, what if....there is just a whole lot of tragic stuff that can happen to married people that nobody signed up for.

 

I still can't help feeling that this is different. My husband stood by me when I nursed my dad till he died from diabetes. I've stood by him during open heart surgery and we survived infidelity (and foreclosure, I almost forgot that!) so I don't consider our marriage frail or fair weather, but I can say that a surprise child is something that I don't think I'd want to try to survive. I'm very clear on not wanting to be a step parent. You wouldn't want me as your kids step parent, because I wouldn't want to be there.

Edited January 3, 2013 by eleanorrigby

[KraftDinner]

I posted something like this a while back in this thread and I'm not sure if anyone responded to this...

 

Is it even in the daughter's best interest to be forced into this "instant family"?

[eleanorrigby]

I posted something like this a while back in this thread and I'm not sure if anyone responded to this...

 

Is it even in the daughter's best interest to be forced into this "instant family"?

 

I don't think so and I think PD needs to consider the very likely fact that his 5 year old daughter might start acting out because of all this sudden change in her life. She went from mom to dad, step mom and brothers. Everyone is calling this child a potential blessing as if she's automatically going to be this sweet little angel. She might turn out to be a real unhappy tantrum throwing horror and how is his wife going to react to that.

 

There are so many potential pot holes in this situation.

[xxoo]

I posted something like this a while back in this thread and I'm not sure if anyone responded to this...

 

Is it even in the daughter's best interest to be forced into this "instant family"?

 

I don't see it all happening instantly. It sounds like visits to get to know everyone better at this point.

 

But yes, if the adults can be adults, I do believe it is in the child's best interest to have a relationship with her family members. Her mother's actions to keep her secret were not in anyone's best interests, imo.

[woinlove]

I posted something like this a while back in this thread and I'm not sure if anyone responded to this...

 

Is it even in the daughter's best interest to be forced into this "instant family"?

 

I think it would have been better all around if PD had first worked things out with his wife, including how to deal with the ex, boundaries, legalities, and then proceeded to make arrangements with the ex, with him and his wife operating as a team. My impression is he thought the ex was in such a mess that it was urgent he step in right away. We don't really know the situation and how his ex survived for 5 years and then what changed.

[proudddad]

I think it would have been better all around if PD had first worked things out with his wife, including how to deal with the ex, boundaries, legalities, and then proceeded to make arrangements with the ex, with him and his wife operating as a team. My impression is he thought the ex was in such a mess that it was urgent he step in right away. We don't really know the situation and how his ex survived for 5 years and then what changed.

 

Just to clarify this, I did my best to include my wife in every single decision. You are right that the situation regarding my ex was 'urgent' and so acting quick was imperative for my daughters sake.

 

There had been so many posts since my last so I am not going to reply individually. But it seems there are many misconceptions, many due to my own reluctance to share all the details on this forum but in order to get a more accurate response I feel I must now do just that.

 

I will draft and post later a detailed account of what happened and why and hopefully you will see that I am not this uncaring husband that has dropped his family to pursue a relationship with his daughter at any cost.

[proudddad]

OK, opening post – take 2 – all the details.

 

I will glance over some areas that are already clear and add more details to the areas where some confusion has arisen.

 

Last year around May I get a friend request on facebook from my ex, I check with my wife that she has no issues if I add her and she is ok with it. We exchange pleasantries over the next couple of weeks and then she drops the bombshell that I have a daughter. At first I didn’t believe her, I didn’t believe this person that I loved would hide something like that from me. I told my wife and showed her the messages literally hours after I found out. My wifes first reaction was what a load of BS, get a paternity test. My ex had already offered that and was going to send a sample to us (I am not falling for that). So my wife and I discussed this and WE decided it was best if I went to them, got the test to be sure there were no abnormalities and then wait for the result. I asked my wife to accompany me (in fact I just about begged her) but she said this was something I needed to do alone.

 

I went, I stayed in a hotel, I met them at the place that does the tests. This was the first time I had seen this girl (which turned out to be my daughter). I knew straight away she was mine, just looking into her eyes I could see me. She knew I was her daddy which scared the hell out of me but later found out that my ex had shown my daughter photos of me from the time she was born. I haven’t changed a great deal in those years so I was actually a very familiar face. Now the hatred I had towards my ex at this stage cannot be expressed clearly, I reckon if she was a guy I would have punched her right in the nose (and I am in no way a violent person).

 

Anyway, the test is done and is over, we have a quick bite to eat and discuss a few things. To be honest I couldn’t even tell you what they were, I was too overwhelmed but I know it couldn’t have been long because I had a plane to catch and had virtually no time.

 

Two weeks later the results are in and yes it is my daughter. My wife was with me when I opened the envelope so she found out the same second I did. Before I say a word, she tells me I must do what is right for the child, it is my responsibility to do so.

 

I call my ex and we chat. This is when she tells me how it all came about, fell in with the wrong crowd (drugs), got into stuff she isn’t proud of (porn), fell behind and was just about to lose the family home (this home was an inheritance from the sick relative she was caring for after she died but it came with a (very manageable) mortgage) and that is when I decided I needed to ‘rescue’ my daughter. BUT I did not do anything yet, I did discuss it with my wife and she told me to do what I have to do, she understands. That is when I organized a colleague close to her to sort out her finances which was done. I also found her a list of potential houses close to her family but she did all the organizing and moving etc herself.

 

Up to this point my wife and I had a very open dialogue about what was going on and my wife was very supportive, in fact encouraging me to do what had to be done.

 

Now once she moved here we had no contact for close to a month to let her settle in and it was my wife that was telling me that enough time had passed and I should go and see my daughter. I rang and organized a meeting and asked my wife to come but she did not want to. I picked my daughter up, I had my boys with me so they played at my exes house for 15-20 minutes getting to know each other before we all went to a park together, I could hardly just take my daughter somewhere as I am still at this stage very new to her. This happened maybe 3 or 4 times, a couple of times with my boys, a couple of times without but never was my wife willing to come despite my frequent requests that she do so.

 

The next step was bringing my daughter home to visit our place so I went and picked her up but when I got home my wife was gone (not literally) and was replaced with some heartless bitch. The way she treated my daughter was (and I used this word before) scary. I didn’t react to my wife and just spent time playing with the kids. This happened the next 2 visits as well and on each of those occasions I did speak with her but she saw nothing wrong with her actions, I wanted to avoid an argument so I left it alone. The next time was the zoo visit where she refused to buy an icecream which has already been discussed and that is when I decided that it would be best if I didn’t bring my daughter into this environment.

 

I talked to my wife and suggested that I shouldn’t bring my daughter home until she felt easier with the situation (and mentioned counseling) and asked her if there was anything that I could do to help the situation. She told me I was handling everything the way I should but did give the distinct impression that it would be best if my daughter didn’t visit. This is when I started visiting my daughter at my exes place. Now to be clear here, I would pick her up there, take her to a local park or similar and then bring her home. She invited me in to see her room and of course I said yes and we spent some time playing inside. One of these times is when I told my ex that my wife and I were having issues (only after my ex asked after noticing herself).

 

When I came home from the first ‘away’ visit the sh*t hit the fan. This is when my wife accused me of being a bad father and the like which we have already discussed. I sat down with my wife and asked her again what she would like me to do but she doesn’t offer any opinion at all other than to say I am doing what I need to.

 

And the rest is pretty much a vicious circle of this. My wife tells me to do what I have to do, I try and include her and ask her opinions and seek her approval, she declines to participate at all, I see my daughter anyway because I will not abandon her and when the visit is over I am in the bad books for a few days and then things start to improve.

 

I cannot do anymore than what I am doing unless my wife is willing to share her thoughts/fears/dreams. I have tried and I get nothing, she has gone into a shell and while she may have reasons either rational or irrational it makes it very hard to figure out the correct road to take.

 

When I get told I am doing the right thing, I am doing what must be done and then bang, all of a sudden I am public enemy number 1. It makes it very hard. I don’t mind hard, I am here for the long haul but it is starting to take a toll.

 

I know my wife must be hurting and despite what the naysayers here think I am empathetic to that but it is hard to decide on a correct course of action without communication. The one thing that would work (I guess) is my daughter no longer being around but that is just not going to happen if I have any say in it.

 

So make of this what you will, I am sure plenty have already made up their minds and their opinion won’t change, so be it. But I have tried countless times to open communication lines with my wife. I am not unempathetic but I can hardly express that if we cannot talk. My daughter is not my priority, my immediate family is but by the same token I will not walk away from my daughter. If my wife can’t deal with that then I am sorry to say I can’t see a future for us as much as that hurts to say.

[Janesays]

PD, thanks for the additional advice. I hope you realize that we are here trying to help, so I hope you are open about what is said next and please refrain from getting defensive and/or self righteous.

 

To me, it is now very clear what the problem is and it's what I suspected from the very beginning: your wife doesn't want you visiting your daughter are your ex's house. In your first post, you mentioned that she expressed fears that you might leave her for the ex. Considering that you have cheated in the past (not on her, true, but it still shows a history of poor character), the fear that you may be unfaithful is not 'irrational.' She probably resents your daughter because that is your (to her) 'excuse' to spend alone time with your ex.

 

So I will say what I said in the very beginning: QUIT VISITING YOUR DAUGHTER AT YOUR EX'S HOUSE. Bring her home instead.

 

You mentioned that your wife was being a 'heartless B' to the daughter and that she once denied her an ice cream cone. You have given us no other examples, so I assume that was the worst one. If not, please clue us in. The Ice Cream Incident of 2012 was pretty crappy and something that your wife is likely to feel bad about in the future....but it is hardly abusive.

 

You worry about the well being of your daughter, but I'm here to tell you she probably didn't even notice it. If your wife is merely ignoring her or being short with her, again, she probably doesn't even notice. I was an abused child and let me tell you, unless someone was actively beating me or calling me a worthless little B, I was oblivious to the feelings of adults. If she does notice your wife's coldness, it will be fairly easy to explain it away to your daughter. "She's not feeling well," "She not mad at you, she's mad at me," "She's pretending to be a wicked witch!" Trust me, kids that age will believe anything. But, like I said, your daughter may be too wrapped up in playing with your sons to even notice.

 

I want to reassure you, because it is absolutely necessary that you bring your daughter home. If you keep her and your wife apart, that resentment will grow and fester and someday become irreparable. If you don't bring your daughter home, you WILL get divorced. Believe that.

 

Before this went down, you wife was a pretty loving and affection person, I'm assuming. Am I correct? Then she should be fairly easy to win over. Is your daughter even mildly well behaved? Heck, is she a little bit cute? Then, with a little effort from you, you should be able to get them to bond. Sit down with your kids and have them make cards for her. Make sure your daughter's card says something sweet. Get together one sunday afternoon with the kids and make your wife breakfast in bed. Start a 'be nice to mommy' day where everyone over compliments her. Your daughter is the oldest and most verbal. She will come up with all the best 'nice moments.' A few sweet 'you're pretty' compliments from your daughter, a couple of moments where you leave them alone, and your wife will reach out to her. Unless your wife is a truly EVIL woman, FREQUENT EXPOSURE will show her that she's dealing with a cute little girl and she will soften.

 

It is at that point that you should seek full custody of your daughter. From what you said about your ex's past and your financial position, you have a real shot at this. Convincing your wife will probably be easier than you think. Make it clear that your ex is trash (And she is) and that you honestly believe that this little girl she has began to bond with is in danger. Women have almost instinctual need to protect children.

 

As I said before, one of the hardest parts of being a stepmother is the feeling that you have no control over your life. If the stepchild is ill behaved, if the mother makes visits difficult, if the child is destructive or mean to the other children, if the child is doing poorly in school, there is really NOTHING you can do to change things. You just have to suffer the consequences. After all, how much influence can you have on a child you only see twice a month?

 

But, if you had custody, things would be very very different for your wife. She could set the rules and boundaries in the house, she can make major decisions about your daughters schooling, dress, diet, etc. She can have a shot about being a real positive influence. She can be an actual MOTHER to this little girl.

 

Get custody and put a TON of distance between you and your ex and I guarantee you that this daughter of yours will go from 'interloper' to 'our beautiful daughter.'

 

Hope that helps.

[woinlove]

Wow, sounds like things really changed once your wife saw you with your daughter. Maybe she was shocked, just as you were, at how much she looked like you. Maybe she reacted to how you were with her in comparison to your sons, as research shows most parents unconsciously respond differently to daughters and to sons. Maybe she saw something different in how you treated your daughter compared to your sons. I would guess your wife had a lot of emotions from that which she was unable to acknowledge or maybe afraid to articulate. Perhaps she is suppressing a lot herself, thinking she should just get over it and it's not working.

 

Of course, now, there is a big rift and your wife has plenty to worry about as your M is in jeopardy. But there seems to have first been denial and then a turning point, first seeing you with your daughter, where I guess reality finally hit. Seeing all the reactions here about the situation, I can see why some would arrange that first meeting with a counsellor present. Sounds like your wife didn't understand initially what a huge event this was. I suspect your wife letting you go off and visit your ex alone, help move your ex, spend time with your ex and daughter together, and saying that was all fine was your wife deep in denial. I suspect she can't sort out all her emotions.

[proudddad]

You mentioned that your wife was being a 'heartless B' to the daughter and that she once denied her an ice cream cone. You have given us no other examples, so I assume that was the worst one. If not, please clue us in. The Ice Cream Incident of 2012 was pretty crappy and something that your wife is likely to feel bad about in the future....but it is hardly abusive.

 

The ice cream cone is just one of many examples. But with this one, I had gone to the toilet, I come back and my daughter was crying hysterically. I asked my wife why and that is when she told me it was my responsibility to buy her stuff. My older son offered to share but my wife said no way, now I wouldn't have allowed that either but the way she said it, oh boy.

 

She sent the kids out the back to play and 'forgot' to put sunscreen on my daughter.

 

The boys were screaming while playing and it was very annoying but nothing was said, after all they are only playing. As soon as my daughter joined in my wife went off at them to shut up.

 

There are many examples. Individually each one could easily be explained away but in context, all of them together paint a pretty damning picture.

 

I want to reassure you, because it is absolutely necessary that you bring your daughter home. If you keep her and your wife apart, that resentment will grow and fester and someday become irreparable. If you don't bring your daughter home, you WILL get divorced. Believe that.

 

I know this. I want my daughter in my house but it's heart wrenching seeing her and my wife interact.

 

Get together one sunday afternoon with the kids and make your wife breakfast in bed.

 

This has been done. We all made my wife a fruit platter for lunch, the kids helped cut up all the fruit. They each made a big deal of what they cut up (1yo son -too young, 3yo son - grapes, daughter - strawberries).

 

My wife ate it all but didn't touch a strawberry. My wife loves strawberries. This sort of childishness I can't handle. I asked her about it, apparently the strawberries tasted off.

 

It is at that point that you should seek full custody of your daughter

 

I have already had preliminary discussions about this (my wife does not know) but it's very much a 50/50 chance. Her past works against her but right now she is clean, sober and holding down a job.

[Janesays]

PD, none of this is going to work the first time around because your wife has put up a wall. Keep trying. REPEATED EXPOSURE is the ONLY thing that is going to get your wife to bond with that child.

 

This likely bothers you WAY more than it does your daughter. Swallow it down. Don't make a big stink out of things. Just keep on killing her with kindness.

 

That heartless B will die a horrible death and your wife will be back. Count on it.

[woinlove]

I have already had preliminary discussions about this (my wife does not know) but it's very much a 50/50 chance.

 

From what you have been writing, it sounds like your marriage is dying. No sex or intimacy, poor communciation, your wife's anger and resentment and feeling you will leave, not wanting to come home and preferring to stay with the ex and your daughter, confiding in the ex about your marital problems, feeling your family with your wife is incomplete, discussions about custody of your daughter that your wife doesn't know about. My opinion would be to focus on saving your marriage if you want to stay married. I think you are likely to end up divorced if you keep your focus on trying to create a new family dynamic right now, rather than saving your marriage first.

[mitchell]

PD, none of this is going to work the first time around because your wife has put up a wall. Keep trying. REPEATED EXPOSURE is the ONLY thing that is going to get your wife to bond with that child.

 

This likely bothers you WAY more than it does your daughter. Swallow it down. Don't make a big stink out of things. Just keep on killing her with kindness.

 

That heartless B will die a horrible death and your wife will be back. Count on it.

 

Jane speaks great wisdom.

 

Keep killing your wife with kindness and treat your newly found daughter with the love and respect she deserves. Your wife should eventually respect you for your actions and come around.

[jwi71]

PD,

 

MC is an absolute must.

This little is just a symptom of what has been called a dying M.

I don't think "kill her kindness" is sufficient unto itself.

LS is not sufficient.

 

I would stage a family and friend intervention and maybe that gets your W to agree to counseling. You guys need it (she more than you).

 

Otherwise I predict a slow emotionally abusive (and make no mistake - your W is bring abusive to that girl) death to your M. Start documenting everything your W does - for now it can be used to illustrate the problem to your friends, family, MC as a tool to help improve things. Failing that, use it against her in court.

 

Good luck

[xxoo]

I agree that MC is a must. It is unacceptable for the little girl to be treated that way. I know I couldn't sit and let it happen, and I'd build up resentment toward anyone who treated my child that way.

 

Also, why are you exploring custody issues without your wife's knowledge?

 

There are a lot of "marriage killing" behaviors going on here, from both directions. You are going to need some professional assistance. Your wife obviously needs some help dealing with this in a healthy way.

 

I honestly think a separation would be healthier for the kids than what is going on now.

Edited January 3, 2013 by xxoo

[Snowflower]

Hi prouddad, thank you so much for coming back and explaining your situation a little bit more. What did you think of some of the posts from the last time you posted til you posted now? There were a lot and a lot of good advice! Hopefully it helps!

 

As always, there are 3 sides to every story...your side, your wife's side and what actually has happened. We heard your side here and I'm sure your wife's version would be quite different.

 

One thing I am reading in your two most recent posts is that your focus (and priority) is on your daughter. You are resentful of your wife for not feeling the same way you do and her subsequent attitude.

 

As in any relationship, resentment kills intimacy and feelings of love faster than anything else. And there is plenty of resentment flowing from both you and your wife. From her for her understandable feeling of powerlessness and fear of being thrust into a situation she had no part in making and you for feeling that your wife has not been accepting enough toward your daughter, which is also understandable. But again, resentment is deadly to a relationship.

 

And in your last couple of posts (which is all I have to go by since your wife isn't posting here), I hear nothing of your love and dedication to your wife and a willingness to make your marriage work. Instead, we read about her attitude toward your daughter and your feelings about this behavior.

 

Trust me, if we can pick up on where your priorities are lying right now (with your daughter), your wife sure as heck can tell where your priorities lie and it isn't with her.

 

You are a good father and are to be commended for stepping in and making sure your daughter is secure. However, your other two boys are on the verge of being parented by single parents and therefore all 3 of your children will be from single parent households. Are you sure that you want to sacrifice your boys' family life for the sake of your daughter?

 

I agree with the other poster who said that your situation is really beyond what LS can help with.

 

You and your wife need individual, family and marital counseling. This has gone on too long. I don't understand your wife's reluctance to go other than that she fears that she will be told she is wrong or irrational for what she is feeling...just like her mother did tell her, which was so destructive.

 

Get on the phone today and make several appointments with different therapists ASAP. This is a complex situation and you need the right counselor to be able to help you through it. Sometimes it takes a little while to find a really competent counselor and the right fit. The last thing you and your wife need is a counselor who takes sides...as was mentioned earlier. Beg your wife to go but don't threaten her...she feels threatened enough. Go by yourself if necessary.

 

It's a good first, crucial step that should have done once your wife got over her denial of the situation and reality struck when you started visiting your daughter at your ex's house.

Edited January 3, 2013 by Snowflower

[proudddad]

I have a question before I stuff things up even more.

 

We were originally to go on our week long holiday starting in a fortnight. It was just to a resort so nothing overly special.

 

I have managed to get my hands on a beautiful secluded log cabin which is the cabin where I proposed to my gorgeous wife. The issue is that it is only available in a weeks time so the holiday has to be bought forward a week, no big drama there. The real issue is that this cabin is really secluded, no power, no phone reception etc. I know my wife loves this place (she has often talked about going back) but she hates being out of contact from the world.

 

I was hoping to just head off as if going to the resort but end up at the cabin as a surprise. The first 80% of the journey is the same so she would not know until we were almost there.

 

Given the tender nature of our relationship is this a good idea? Will being alone be too intense, maybe we need the distraction of other people? Is going there a good idea but the surprise part isn't (giving her time to organize anything she has to)? I don't want to get there hoping that we can just enjoy each others company for a full week but end up having her angry because she can't contact the office of something like that.