Breakup after a big fight, wonder any chance to fix our relationship...

[Standingbirdd]

My ex and I dated for an year. We had a big fight a month ago which I ended it by packed all my stuff, broke up with him and stormed out from his place. While on my way home I felt really bad and upset. I texted him and asked if we still love each other, he didn't answer. Then I called him, he answered and we have a bit discussion but we ended up argue again and he said he is tired and need a nap and hanged up. I kept calling him, but he didn't answer. He texted me said we go nowhere and he will never see me and talk to again, he doesn't wait my time, and wish me good luck. He stopped talking/texting me.

 

I went back to his place and wanted to see him but I couldn't contact him as he didn't answer my phone. I stayed outside his building whole night and contacted him many time, still no answer. The another day, I left and went back to my place, I texted him as if nothing has happened, no answer. At around mid-night, I texted him to want to take back the other stuff I left in his place. I received his reply the next morning asking me to send someone to take the stuff and he is not going to see me at all and request no more messages. I replied with a brief explanation about the whole thing and said goodbye to him. Then I went No Contact for 3 weeks.

 

Yesterday, I texted him to say hello and sorry about what has happened, told him not to give up on us and we should talk and fix our relationship. I have also briefly reminded him the good time we have had. I received his reply said he is overseas and he doesn't think we can go back together again, but may be we can have a chat sometime when he is back. I replied said we shouldn't jump into the conclusion just yet, we have misunderstood each other; I don't push him and when he is ready and willing to open up let me know. He replied "Ok...Take care...". No contact since then. I wonder what should I do next?

Edited December 31, 2012 by Standingbirdd

[Gottabestrong]

My advice is to leave him alone and start dealing with the fact that the relationship is over. You broke up with him and moved out. Maybe you did not mean it at the time, but you can't do that and then expect the other person to be open and accepting when you change your mind.

 

Since it sounds like you were fighting a lot anyway, the breakup is probably for the best. Remind yourself of all the bad times.

 

Good luck!

[crashvector]

Well, if I were him, you would be driving me absolutely nuts.

 

plus...stalking him by hanging out outside his house....creepy.

 

Leave him alone.

 

Honestly...I think he's not interested in even talking to you at this point, but your incessant calling/texting/and STALKING would freak out even the most patient of men.

 

so..yeah...I'd totally tell you I was like in France or something, and then would try like hell to avoid you.

 

Sorry if that's harsh...but honestly..LET HIM GO.

[fieldsofgold84]

Gottabestrong is right. It was you who moved out. We do things and unfortunately have to deal with the permanent consequences of the decisions based on temporary feelings.

If I were you I would live my life thinking everything was over and would stop contacting him and see what happens. You have tried to contact him and he has not reciprocated so I would assume it is over and live my life. If he contacted you, then you could discuss things.

At the current situation, insisting would make you look desperate; remember guys do not like hopeless girls.

 

Good luck

[Standingbirdd]

Thank you for your reply and advise.

 

I know he is overseas now, as before our breakup, he has already planned to visit his parent during the Christmas and new year break. I don't think he need to make such an excuse, if he doesn't want to contact he can just ignore me.

 

I was desperate that night as I was emotionally unstable and I have never seen him so cold and cruel. The time i left his place i truly decided to breakup as i really couldnt see a solution and we were both unhappy. But then there is a little voice telling me if there is love there is solution.

I knew I made an unthoughtful decision out of emotion rather than rationally assess the relationship. I was under lots of stress during the past few months, that seriously impact my health and emotion, in turn damage our relationship. I was very intolerant, grumpy, angry, emotionally distance, low sex drive, refuse sex and any intimacy. We argued a lot over these symptom of stress but didnt deal with the root cause. I was not aware of all these are the symptoms of stress, until during the 3 weeks NC I put all things together and can see the full picture. In spite of we have discussed a few time, we didnt hit the nail. also we are from different cultural background and English isn't our mother tongue, it probably led lots if miscommunication due to cultural and language differences.

 

I don't want to give up a relationship out of emotion and misunderstanding. there is no cheating and we hv true connection (I see his strong reaction was because of being hurt, if he doesn't have true feeling about me, he won't feel hurt, right?), also, before the stress set in, we have lot of fun together and compatible, it is worth putting effort to save this relationship.

 

Looks like except waiting for him to come around, there is no other thing I can do. I don't want to manipulate him, I want him to understand the context and want to fix and build a health relationship with me. Can I text him or send pic to him sometime to remind him our good time and memory?

[flitzanu]

My ex and I dated for an year. We had a big fight a month ago which I ended it by packed all my stuff, broke up with him and stormed out from his place. While on my way home I felt really bad and upset. I texted him and asked if we still love each other, he didn't answer. Then I called him, he answered and we have a bit discussion but we ended up argue again and he said he is tired and need a nap and hanged up. I kept calling him, but he didn't answer. He texted me said we go nowhere and he will never see me and talk to again, he doesn't wait my time, and wish me good luck. He stopped talking/texting me.

 

I went back to his place and wanted to see him but I couldn't contact him as he didn't answer my phone. I stayed outside his building whole night and contacted him many time, still no answer. The another day, I left and went back to my place, I texted him as if nothing has happened, no answer. At around mid-night, I texted him to want to take back the other stuff I left in his place. I received his reply the next morning asking me to send someone to take the stuff and he is not going to see me at all and request no more messages. I replied with a brief explanation about the whole thing and said goodbye to him. Then I went No Contact for 3 weeks.

 

Yesterday, I texted him to say hello and sorry about what has happened, told him not to give up on us and we should talk and fix our relationship. I have also briefly reminded him the good time we have had. I received his reply said he is overseas and he doesn't think we can go back together again, but may be we can have a chat sometime when he is back. I replied said we shouldn't jump into the conclusion just yet, we have misunderstood each other; I don't push him and when he is ready and willing to open up let me know. He replied "Ok...Take care...". No contact since then. I wonder what should I do next?

 

what should you do next? STOP CONTACTING HIM. he is making it very clear he doesn't want to talk to you and you are borderline stalking and harassing him.

[Standingbirdd]

hi flitzanu, not sure if you have read my second post before your response. I knew I shouldn't wait outside his place that night, but it has already happened that I can't change it. I think you can try to see it from a bit compassionate way, I truly love him and I knew I made mistake that was why I went back. I am willing to admit my part of wrong (it doesn't mean that he didn't do anything wrong) and put effort in clarifying our misunderstanding. It is not saying I definitely want to be in this relationship again, we have some fundamental issue getting in the way, but bringing him back to the discussion will help both of us understand what is going on and might have a chance to solve the problem together, you never know. I blow off during our last discussion is my bad and I'm trying to fix it. You are welcome to post if you have any other more constructive advise or opinion, rather than just reminding me I have stalked him and I should stop contacting him. I'm not going to NC, it won't solve the problem but create more misunderstanding. I will give him enough space but still be in touch with him from time to time.

[Standingbirdd]

I got his reply to my happy new year message today. The message I sent him was causal and relaxing just like the time we were still together, I called his nickname (only me & him know) in the message and mentioned about my new place. His reply is short and brief, but hv responded to my new place and give me a smile in the message. I replied with a "thanks" and smile. Do you think I have loosen him up?

[veggirl]

omg STOP chasing him! He thinks you are crazy, I'm sorry. Has he ever contacted you first after the break up? Do not send any messages, he knows how you feel and if he wants to work things out he will contact you. You are making it worse and worse everytime you text him, you are pushing him further away.

 

Honestly he is probably relieved...you spent the last 3 mos being mean and sexually unavailable and then you stormed out of his house and then you stalked him for the rest of the night. You have left a terrible impression, I'm sorry. If the last few months really were awful, this was probably just the straw that broke the camels back.

 

Why would he believe that things will be better or different when they were bad for 1/4th of your relationship?

 

I think you should take this as a permanent break up and try to move on accordingly...

[Standingbirdd]

hi veggirl, thanks for your advice.

 

I wonder is that most people in this forum has experienced something like this and know it doesn't work that's why being pessimistic? You advice gave me a good perspective about how he would feel about me though.

 

I wasn't in a good condition, was dealing with lots of stress the past few months, but now thing change and I'm at a much better place. To be honest, I also feel relieved after the breakup, but I know there are misunderstanding that causing us unnecessary ill feeling. If I don't contact him, there is no way to explain the situation. That night he said something very hurtful and triggered my past wound, that was why I lost control. He has also sent me persistent message in the past, I think he can understand why I act in that way.

 

I might not contact him for 1 or 2 weeks, and see if he willing to talk. My aim isn't to talk him back to the relationship, but try to have him to see the whole thing from a "top down" view to get a better picture. What has driven us crazy is the endless discussion/negotiation over the symptoms, it never solves the core problem (we didn't identify the core problem) and suffocate each other. I stormed out from his place was because not able to deal with the endless discussions, and seem the more we discuss the more problems it is.

[LostOne1]

hi veggirl, thanks for your advice.

 

I wonder is that most people in this forum has experienced something like this and know it doesn't work that's why being pessimistic? You advice gave me a good perspective about how he would feel about me though.

 

I wasn't in a good condition, was dealing with lots of stress the past few months, but now thing change and I'm at a much better place. To be honest, I also feel relieved after the breakup, but I know there are misunderstanding that causing us unnecessary ill feeling. If I don't contact him, there is no way to explain the situation. That night he said something very hurtful and triggered my past wound, that was why I lost control. He has also sent me persistent message in the past, I think he can understand why I act in that way.

 

I might not contact him for 1 or 2 weeks, and see if he willing to talk. My aim isn't to talk him back to the relationship, but try to have him to see the whole thing from a "top down" view to get a better picture. What has driven us crazy is the endless discussion/negotiation over the symptoms, it never solves the core problem (we didn't identify the core problem) and suffocate each other. I stormed out from his place was because not able to deal with the endless discussions, and seem the more we discuss the more problems it is.

same with my ex the more we discussed it.. the more it got intense. It was like both sides were angry and neither side was listening well.

 

That's why I partly gave up, because I realized she DIDN'T CARE about my side. She only cared about how she felt and what she felt. My point of view didn't matter anymore. And you can't solve things if you cant see the others point of view.

[na49]

You remind me of my ex Dumping their boyfriend but then sticking around and not allowing him to move on.

 

Chill. You dumped him. You wanted him out. He's giving you your wish. Being dumped sucks, so he's pissed off at you and rightfully so. Rather than work on things, you walked out and left.

 

Do you want him back now? or are feeling guilty that he might hate you? Either way, you shouldn't treat him like that. Let him heal. Leave him alone.

[Standingbirdd]

na49, what I can say is that everyone's case is different, you can't simplify and generalise them as if my case is the same as yours. If you still resent or are still upset or whatever negative feeling about your past, your ex should be the one to blame or talk to, not me.

 

LostOne1, We argued and I blew off because he was requesting something I can't give or have never thought about and that totally freaked me out, it is something he should have mentioned before we even started the relationship. I felt betrayed and plotted. It was dragged into the picture out of the blue, we were actually discussing other issues. I tried to achieve a win-win so that both of us can be happy, but he didn't even consider to accommodate my need, what he wanted is a win-loss. The time I left I really did think we were over and not coming back. But then I questioned myself, is it something unachievable? if I love him I should be willing to and at least try to give what he want. I didn't think in that detail when I left and, as I said, we also have other issues, and this is a brand new item we have never talked about. I believe if there is love there is solution, that was why I came back. I am not sure if it is miscommunication, pride or ego that get in the way, or there is no love from his side. At least I admitted my wrong and try to maintain the line of communication to avoid further misunderstanding. No matter whether I can bring him back into the relationship or not, at least we can have some clarification rather than feeling grief and hurt over something imagined from our own head.

Edited January 2, 2013 by Standingbirdd

[flitzanu]

hi flitzanu, not sure if you have read my second post before your response. I knew I shouldn't wait outside his place that night, but it has already happened that I can't change it. I think you can try to see it from a bit compassionate way, I truly love him and I knew I made mistake that was why I went back. I am willing to admit my part of wrong (it doesn't mean that he didn't do anything wrong) and put effort in clarifying our misunderstanding. It is not saying I definitely want to be in this relationship again, we have some fundamental issue getting in the way, but bringing him back to the discussion will help both of us understand what is going on and might have a chance to solve the problem together, you never know. I blow off during our last discussion is my bad and I'm trying to fix it. You are welcome to post if you have any other more constructive advise or opinion, rather than just reminding me I have stalked him and I should stop contacting him. I'm not going to NC, it won't solve the problem but create more misunderstanding. I will give him enough space but still be in touch with him from time to time.

 

if you plan on doing exactly the same things that aren't working, and don't want people to tell you the best thing to do (which is go NC), what exactly are you trying to ask advice for?

[flitzanu]

na49, what I can say is that everyone's case is different, you can't simplify and generalise them as if my case is the same as yours. If you still resent or are still upset or whatever negative feeling about your past, your ex should be the one to blame or talk to, not me.

 

 

this is your fundamental mistake. everyone's case IS NOT different. everyone wants to believe their relationship was so special and so unique...but go through and actually read these breakup stories posted. THE LARGE MAJORITY of them are exactly the same.

 

we are not the exception, we are the rule.

[Treasa]

I was like you, minus the sitting outside his house part, withholding sex part, and breaking up with him part.

 

I DID, however, in my past do the "OMG I can change, we can fix things, please just give us a chance, it was all a misunderstanding!!" bit. It DOES NOT WORK.

 

No one has respect or desire for someone who insists on pushing herself on the guy she broke up with. That is not attractive. You are taking your dignity and self-respect and shredding it right in front of him. Not cool.

 

If there are core issues, then you should not be together. If YOU have core issues, you need to resolve those first without being with any other guy.

 

This guy thinks you're a stalker, obsessed, creepy, and probably pathetic. I thankfully only ever acted that way with one guy, but that was one too many.

 

Go ahead and keep contacting him if you want him to obtain a restraining order against you. He's trying to be nice. Now be nice to him and leave him alone.

[Standingbirdd]

flitzanu, I'm not going to respond your post anymore. I just feel both you and na49 are trying to pour your negative emotion from your personal life into someone your dont even know. if you have any grief or you feel lack of control in your personal life and now trying to get some sense of control in an online forum by offering advise, pushing someone to take your advise or just simply release your negative emotion it is unhealthy and unfair to me. The point is not how right or how good your advise is, but the negative, pushy emotion you have attached to it that turn me off.

 

 

this is your fundamental mistake. everyone's case IS NOT different. everyone wants to believe their relationship was so special and so unique...but go through and actually read these breakup stories posted. THE LARGE MAJORITY of them are exactly the same.

 

we are not the exception, we are the rule.

[Standingbirdd]

Treasa, thank you for sharing your story. I can see your point. what if he has used the same way in pursuing me before? People has different personality and life experience, in turn respond differently for the same situation.

 

I read a lot about No Contact. If I have decided to give up, I will go No Contact. But I am not. I know some people use No Contact as a psychological trick to bring back their ex. But most of the time it won't last long as themselves and the relationship dynamic have no change, the same old negativity still in the relationship, also No Contact trick is manipulative in nature. For majority of No Contact, they eventually die off, no hope no feeling just totally indifferent. No contact is passive and powerless in nature. As my aim is to rebuild and fix my relationship and friendship with him, I need to maintain communication, the difficult part is how to do it without annoying him. I don't want any manipulative trick to control or manipulate his mind. It won't be a real relationship. I know it will be hard and but no one said love is easy. Any constructive advise is welcome.

 

 

I was like you, minus the sitting outside his house part, withholding sex part, and breaking up with him part.

 

I DID, however, in my past do the "OMG I can change, we can fix things, please just give us a chance, it was all a misunderstanding!!" bit. It DOES NOT WORK.

 

No one has respect or desire for someone who insists on pushing herself on the guy she broke up with. That is not attractive. You are taking your dignity and self-respect and shredding it right in front of him. Not cool.

 

If there are core issues, then you should not be together. If YOU have core issues, you need to resolve those first without being with any other guy.

 

This guy thinks you're a stalker, obsessed, creepy, and probably pathetic. I thankfully only ever acted that way with one guy, but that was one too many.

 

Go ahead and keep contacting him if you want him to obtain a restraining order against you. He's trying to be nice. Now be nice to him and leave him alone.

[Simon Phoenix]

OP, you really need to stop attacking people who are trying to give you advice for your own good. Why come on here if you are going to be overly sensitive. Right now people are telling you to go NC because you have dug yourself an awful hole and everything you attempt to do will make that hole deeper. You dumped this guy instead of trying to work it out and you creepily stalked his place. You need to back off and let the knee-jerk emotions, both from you and from him, to settle. He is hurt and he thinks you have a screw loose right now. If you continue to contact him, that impression will continue to grow.

 

Leave him alone. Work on improving yourself. There's no magic formula to get him back, it's up to him to decide to want to come back. All you can do is make him not want to come back, which you are doing right now and you will continue to do if you continue to contact him. No contact helps you heal and it prevents you from saying or doing something stupid. And right now, you need to be prevented from saying or doing something stupid.

 

Some people might be harsh, though na49 and flitz weren't harsh in my opinion, but they are looking out for you because they have been there. Instead of being defensive and pissy, actually listen to the advice people give you.

[flitzanu]

flitzanu, I'm not going to respond your post anymore. I just feel both you and na49 are trying to pour your negative emotion from your personal life into someone your dont even know. if you have any grief or you feel lack of control in your personal life and now trying to get some sense of control in an online forum by offering advise, pushing someone to take your advise or just simply release your negative emotion it is unhealthy and unfair to me. The point is not how right or how good your advise is, but the negative, pushy emotion you have attached to it that turn me off.

 

 

haha, hilarious. ok. well good luck with doing the things you're doing, hope it all works out for you.

[cavalier99]

Sorry your having a rough time. But maybe you should go to the Second Chances Forum if you want ideas on getting him back and want your hand held.

 

I don't think the advise will be better than here or more realistic, but you might hear what you want to hear there. Not that i think it will work.

 

Come back here when you truly want to let go and get beat down enough that you are forced to accept that it is OVER and want to learn to move on.

 

Everyone her has been thru it and NOBODY here is giving you bad advise from what I read. Just tough love!