Unhappily (not) married

[Brandi]

Hi! I was wondering if anyone had any advice or comments for me in my situation. I am 25 and have a 1year beautiful daughter. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Our relationship in the beginning, like most, was wonderful. Lots of passion and love. But after the "new" feeling, it slumped down. I personally feel that men get in a rut where they know they can get sex whenever they want. Which leaves the women in a situation. I, myself, feel like I only really get sex when he wants it (and it's only because his penis needs a little!). There is no romance anymore in our relationship. We only go out (with our daughter) if we go to my parents or out to dinner with his father. When he comes home from work, he goes into the garage to build his stupid toys until dinner time. He rarely spends time with me and the baby. He plays for maybe 10 minutes and then out to the garage for another 2-3 hours. I have made it clear on how I feel about him not doing enough. He ignores me or says not to talk to him if it makes him feel like crap. I'm tired of holding all this inside though. I can see how selfish he is and wonder if I should be with him. I love him very much. I don't see myself with another, but I don't want to be like alot of married couples who just live together and that's about it. I am at home with the child so I don't get to have my own time or time away. So if you have any advice or comments please let me know.

 

Thanks for your time and ear...

[Tony T]

You may be in big trouble. Relationships between any two people...same sex, opposite sex, friend, married, whatever...cannot be sustained for a long period if there is not a deep sense of friendship and an enjoyment of each other's company. It sounds like you and your husband have not established a strong friendship bond.

 

So many times, men get married because it's the thing to do...and yes, there is that big chemical thing that does fizzle out with time. There are many men who either do not respect women or who just don't like them. Yes, they love them and will marry them...but they would much rather be "out in the garage building toys" as you say that interact with a woman. Though you write that you love your husband, it really doesn't sound like right now you like him or that he is a very good friend of yours.

 

This really doesn't have anything to do with selfishness. First, my guess is that your husband's mom and dad didn't have much interaction between them. Second, he pretty much takes you for granted and is quite happy in the role he has assigned you in the marriage. You on the other hand are not happy at all.

 

Well, this is where it gets complicated. You will either have to learn to enjoy making toys with him in the garage...or the two of you are going to have to start enjoying nice conversations with each other...or both of you will have to work very hard at finding common activities you can enjoy to form some commonality. You need to become each other's best friend.

 

I truly believe that your husband loves you in his own way...and I also believe he doesn't fully understand that if he doesn't get off his ass and start paying more attention to you and showing you how special you are, one day he will be devastated when you leave. You are way too young to go through married life with someone who is a notch down from a roommate.

 

Between the lack of sex and his inattentiveness, he is laying the groundwork for what will ultimately be a seriously devastating event for both of you.

 

I pray you will take whatever action is necessary, including consulting experts, to see just how you can inject new life into this awful situation.

 

If he is taking you for granted, make him bring food home a few days a week so you don't have to cook. Start making friends outside the home and do your own thing sometimes. Don't kiss his butt so much. This is a very sad predicament that will require some serious effort on both of your parts.

 

Sadly, the only time he may wake up to just how serious this is may be when you decide you have had all you can take. I hope it doesn't get to that.

[Charlie]

Brandy,

 

I think that you blame too much your boyfriend. Your situation is pretty normal. Once you have a baby you can forget about going out. Ask any young couple that have a baby. Unless you actually live with your parents, you can only get time to yourselves when you drop the baby off at their house, or bring them to your place to make babysit.

 

And that's too only lasts for a few hours.

 

Of course, with this goes through the window also the romance, and you both probably are tired from a difficult year, with the baby waking you up at night and all, so you don't have sex like you used too before...ohhh this is all so common.

 

I don't think your boyfriend's character suddenly changed. You just had to mature suddenly. You are parents now. I think he's just havin a hard time coping with the additional stress in life. The garage is just his escape. The toys are his excuse for getting a little peace and quiet of being alone.

 

He comes home from work and wants a little peace and quiet to relax while you were tied down at home to the baby all day, thinking he has such a good time outside, and you want his attention. You want him to talk to you, make you laugh, take you out of the boredom.. This is where your needs and expectations collide and you have to compromise.

 

If your'e being too demanding from him and make him feel your'e blaming him for you both not having as good time as before, it'll just make him want to withdraw more. And that will only have more adverse affect on his sexual performance - psychology has as much to do with this with men as with women.

 

You should definitely try to communicate and air out your problems, but it's important to do this in the right timing, so do it when he's in good mood and ready to talk. Don't try to coerce him into communication when he's not ready for that.

 

And most of all, remember you have a beautiful baby girl and a boyfriend, so don't forget the bright side of your life too.

 

Hi! I was wondering if anyone had any advice or comments for me in my situation. I am 25 and have a 1year beautiful daughter. I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Our relationship in the beginning, like most, was wonderful. Lots of passion and love. But after the "new" feeling, it slumped down. I personally feel that men get in a rut where they know they can get sex whenever they want. Which leaves the women in a situation. I, myself, feel like I only really get sex when he wants it (and it's only because his penis needs a little!). There is no romance anymore in our relationship. We only go out (with our daughter) if we go to my parents or out to dinner with his father. When he comes home from work, he goes into the garage to build his stupid toys until dinner time. He rarely spends time with me and the baby. He plays for maybe 10 minutes and then out to the garage for another 2-3 hours. I have made it clear on how I feel about him not doing enough. He ignores me or says not to talk to him if it makes him feel like crap. I'm tired of holding all this inside though. I can see how selfish he is and wonder if I should be with him. I love him very much. I don't see myself with another, but I don't want to be like alot of married couples who just live together and that's about it. I am at home with the child so I don't get to have my own time or time away. So if you have any advice or comments please let me know. Thanks for your time and ear...

[PAR]

Dear Brandi,

 

You have said so much in your post. I think you have already pinpointed the important issues that need to be addressed in your relationship. I also think that you know most of what I'm about to suggest. These suggestions may work and they may not. The BIG question is 'are both parties willing to try?'.

 

Most relationships are wonderful in the beginning. You probably would not have this relationship if it had not been. What happens after the initial honeymoon period depends upon the expectations of the individuals involved.

 

Realizing that the dymanics of all relationships change over time is the first step to dealing with the changes that will eventually occur. The intense feelings of new and budding relationships is a very enjoyable and satisfying feeling. It's almost like taking an addictive, euphoric drug. It gives you so much satisfaction that you want to feel that way, all the time, for the rest of your life. In reality, you may never have "that kind" of romance with this person ever again. Notice I said "that kind", meaning that the two of you can have a relationship that is satisfying for both parties. It will take work, willingness and wearwithall from both of you to accomplish this.

 

PART 1

 

There is absolutely no doubt that you two will have to have some time alone, that is, the two of you together with no one else. Find a babysitter! Now! It could be once a week, once every two weeks, one weekend a month, whatever. Some overnighters (away from home if possible) without kids, friends or family would be best. Just do it! If you don't have the time alone with each other, it is unlikely that things are gong to change for the better anytime soon.

 

PART 2

 

Believe it or not, if you can get this far and do it on a regular basis, many of your problems may work themselves out. Just the opportunity to be alone with each other and talk about whatever? can be very relieving.

 

One thing is for sure - you need some honest attention - not the "I'm just doing it for you" kind. Try it and see what happens. It's better than doing nothing. Give it some time and don't expect too much too soon. As long as he is willing to honestly try and is not condescending to you things should get better.

 

My very best to both of you.

[Ha]

Stop whining, at least hes not out at a bar all night.

 

People should step back and look at other situations before whining about their own !!!

[Deejette]

To people who are not in a relationship and are very lonely, almost any kind of relationship, short of violent, is better than nothing. But if a relationship goes stale, it is important to go to others and see if you can find an answer that has worked for someone else.

 

So I don't see this as whining, but more like, "Hey, guys, give me some help here in figuring out what I can do."

Stop whining, at least hes not out at a bar all night. People should step back and look at other situations before whining about their own !!!

[Brandi]

I would like to thank you all for your advice and concerns. It made me think of ways to act upon my relationship. I will let you know how it goes. As for "HA" I feel sorry you've never had a real good relationship, keep trying. Thanks again for your time. I appreciate it alot....