Fell for my best friend, again...

[T - mac]

This is the third time that this has happened to me. I meet a girl, think I have no chance at a relationship with her, so I dive right into the friend zone, deep into the friend zone. Spending lots of time with each other almost every day for months on end. Then I start to like her, or I already liked her for a while but just began to admit it to myself. And then I get to the point where I can't bear it any more, and I tell her everything, and she tells me she doesn't see me the same way, I cry myself a river, get over it, and move on... Only to find her climbing into my bed a month or 3 later, and things working out ok.

 

The two girls that I'm talking about here were girls that I met when i was 16 and 18. I'm 21 now and I've learned a lot since then. And when I met this girl I was about 19. I knew I liked her as soon as I met her, and had no intentions of getting put in the friend zone. I was still a little lacking in self confidence though, and didn't really have the balls to make an all out attempt at much of anything. I know she liked me, but she was kinda shy about it too, probably not as much as me though.

 

There were a few occasions when something almost happened. First it was about a week after I met her, we were sitting at a campfire with some friends, she texted me and asked if I wanted to take a late night walk with her under the stars. I said yes, but unfortunately, there was another girl at the fire, who at the time, I thought was a little more attractive. My other lady friend who was there told me that the cute girl at the fire thought I was cute. Long story short, I ended up sleeping with that girl and didn't end up going on a late night walk under the stars. Then, in the morning, girl A walked in the house to get her purse or something, and saw me and girl B in bed... Very awkward.

 

Nevertheless, we continued to hang out, and both of us obviously were interested in each other. One night, she ended up holding my hand while we were sitting under a blanket at a party, but I think we both felt uncomfortable showing any signs of affection towards each other in public. About a week later, we ended up sleeping together, because my best bros girlfriend was kind of trying to hook me up with her. But we never did anything, just snuggled, 3 nights in a row. After that, we started to hang out a lot. But I started to doubt whether or not she liked me. And that's when I started to slip into the friend zone, once again.

 

Fast forward 2 years, and we are best friends. We both acknowledge that we know each other better than anyone else, and are extremely close. We say "I love you" to each other every time we talk in person or on the phone. She used to make jokes about marrying me, literally every day she would joke about me being her husband and how we are going to have a bunch of kids later in life. This kind of threw me off because I figured that she probably wouldn't make jokes like that if she still liked me. She stopped doing that though, shortly before I told her that I liked her, and have for a long time. This was about 3 months ago. Since then I've only seen her a few times because we live over a hundred miles away. But we still talk every week, her parents have grown very fond of me, and she is trying to get me to move back to where she lives and start working for her employer. When I told her that I liked her, she was pretty shocked and caught off guard. She said that she didn't see it coming and that she didn't know what to say. We haven't talked about it since, but things have stayed just they were before I told her. Except that now, I cant tell that she gets really uncomfortable when anyone suggest anything relating to us being together(Past, present, or future). I think its kind of funny, and I don't see why she would feel awkward about it unless she likes me too.

 

I've been through this 3 times now, and if I've learned anything, it is this:

 

a.) If she starts dating another guy, our friendship will most likely be over, and I have to at least try to make something happen because I really do love this girl.

 

b.) I can't trust a girl when she says she doesn't like me, because sometimes even she doesn't know that she does.

 

c.) We are both young, and maybe right now isn't the right time for either one of us. And maybe waiting is the best thing to do, but it just kills me having things stuck at where they are right now. I'm never going to be satisfied with being just friends.

 

I just don't know what to do. I'm sure I'll find another girl that I like just as much as this one, but it could take years, maybe longer, before I find another girl that lets me be me as much as this one. And that I can have so much fun with, and be so happy with... but anyways, i don't even know where to go with this. She is kind of the type of girl that's not really into the whole dating thing, and I'm not really that kind of guy either. Maybe she is just afraid that she will lose me as a friend if we started dating or something idk...

 

I would really appreciate any kind of advice I can get on this.

 

 

Thanks!

[T - mac]

Oh and I'm not just venting, I really would like some input into this, thanks.

[Fac3Value]

Well, I thought I was the only one that this happened to. Good to see I'm not alone.

 

This actually happened to me very recently, enough so that I'm still in the "cry myself a river, get over it, and move on" phase, as you put it.

 

Your situation is different, however. You've already told her how you feel about her. It's there, but neither of you want to talk about it. You should bring it up again. If she wants to give a relationship a go, then congratulations. If she rejects you, then you can begin taking the time you need to get over it sooner than if you continue to wait (you said it yourself, it could take years to find another like her, so getting a head start can't hurt).

 

But proceed with caution. Ask yourself if you're willing to put your friendship in jeopardy. Because once you go there, there's no going back, especially if she doesn't feel the same. This is where I'm at right now. She rejected me, and now I just want to go back to before I complicated things. Before I ruined "us". But I can't. Now I'm working on moving on.

 

Question for you, though: After you've cried a river, etc. (just as I'm doing now), how did it come about that your other two friends were climbing into your bed a month or three later? I'm currently trying to figure out my next steps. Did you continue to be best friends with these girls like it never happened? Or did you take time away to heal? While I have fallen for friends before, this is the first time I actually told one about it, so I'm still kinda new to this, and her coming around would be ideal .

[T - mac]

You should bring it up again. If she wants to give a relationship a go, then congratulations. If she rejects you, then you can begin taking the time you need to get over it sooner than if you continue to wait (you said it yourself, it could take years to find another like her, so getting a head start can't hurt).

 

I completely agree with this. I find myself telling myself this all the time, so I guess I just need to go ahead and do it.

 

I know what you mean about proceeding with caution. Things certainly do change when you tell her that you like her, especially if you two are really close. But how much they change I think is up to you. It is a little different in this situation that I'm in now, but in the past, literally nothing changed after telling those girls that I liked them as more than friends, at least not right away. I'd say after 24 hours, things were exactly as they were before I told them. Maybe it's because of my reaction to them saying they didn't see me the same way? I basically accepted the fact that they weren't ever going to like me like that, and decided it wasn't worth it to get butt hurt over it and lose a close friend because of it. Even though that was much tougher than it sounds. But anyways, they finally came around, I didn't really have to do anything, I just acted almost like nothing had happened. And eventually, that seed that I had planted eventually sprouted and they realized that they did like me after all. However, I think you could be slightly more aggressive than that, but not much. I think if you just let her know how you feel, and maybe remind her every once in a while without forcing anything on her, she may very well come around sooner or later. In my experience, it can take a lot of time though.

 

Good luck man, I really hope it works out for you and thanks for the motivation.