Why does it take men so long to go for a divorce or avoid it all together?

[BettyBoo]

I am just wondering why is it that men take such a long time (years) to go for a divorce? Or why they don't go for one at all even when the marriage is well and truly over?

 

Having read several threads on LS and hearing the experiences of others that I know I am curious. A friend of mine whose husband had an affair and left the marriage to be with the 'love of his life' still would not divorce his wife even though he was now living with his OW. He eventually lost his OW after refusing to divorce his wife. He now has no one and still has not sought a divorce and weeps for the woman (OW) he lost!!!!

 

I know several stories like this. Come on guys what is it with men and divorce? When my marriage ended I had no problem seeking a divorce as the marriage was over and it seemed ridiculous to me not to acknowledge this publicly and legally.

 

Is it that men view it as a sense of failure personally? I know that the majority of separated men I know are not divorced or if they are it is the wife who initiated it!

 

I am interested in any comments!

[realitycheck]

I don't mean to be rude to you or any other woman here as I am just an occasional browser on this site. Buy, here are a couple of realities:

 

1. Divorce is expensive, time consuming, and emotionally draining (I'm going through one now).

2. Having said this, most men who leave a marriage are at a financial advantage in terms of income to their ex. Therefore, must enter into a separation agreement which includes in most cases child and spousal support (which can be more than half of their disposable income.

3. In Canada, a divorce is presented legally as an alternative only if the one spouse intends to re-marry and change their name. Otherwise, the only critical and necessary legal document is the separation agreement which in most cases gets reviewed and amended annually.

 

In short, I think you seem to be suggesting that men do not have the emotional fortitude to pursue divorce even when a relationship is apparently over. I suggest to you that perhaps in many cases it is a financial barrier more so than an emotional one. Just a different perspective. Take it or leave it.

[Yikes]

Maybe guilt may have something to do with it (whether justified or not). My wife and I have been separated for just over a year. She lives with the baggage of knowing that in reality she caused the collapse of our marriage. (insert long and painfull story here) I have no desire in reconciling and she knows that. (I doubt she wants that either, other than possibly for the security and good cover that I bring to the table) Yet she has one speed and that is very slow... any slower and we'd be going backwards. I am still waiting for her to wrap up a few things still outstanding before there is any point in moving on to the divorce.

 

It is SO frustrating... We're done, that's it, no more. Get a grip, let go, move on.

 

For me there is no one waiting in the wings, I just need closure. I cannot think of any reason in delaying the inevitable. I know that she is dealing with some baggage here, but she doesn't want me (at least not for the right reasons), so why she's dragging her feet I'll never know. As soon as I can afford it, I'm moving things to the next stage, which SHOULD go quickly as our separation agreement has just been finalized.

 

I would guess the reality and consequences of ones actions might cause them to avoid the pain facing and accepting their misdeeds.

[Bubbles]

Money......men HATE to part with their money and a Divorce usually cost a lot of money. For what? A piece of paper!

 

Bubbles

[BettyBoo]

Perhaps it is money. However I think like Yikes that divorce is more than just a piece of paper in the same way that marriage is more than just a piece of paper. Divorce allows for closure and for both parties to move on with their lives.

 

I suppose I find it difficult to understand why people drag their heels when life is so damn short to be wasted carrying any past baggage around.

 

I wish you luck in your divorce Yikes and realitycheck

[Kizzyfur]

I am just wondering why is it that men take such a long time (years) to go for a divorce? Or why they don't go for one at all even when the marriage is well and truly over?

 

This is a very good question...

 

Everyone says 'money'.... It cost my MM a whole $65 to file for divorce. I know it will cost a hell of a lot more if she decides to contest it due to attorney fees. But if she doesn't, it's $65. So what's the excuse if both parties can agree on how to split everything??

 

Also, if it's the money, how is it cheaper to stay together?? You're still paying to take care of her and the kids. Probably more so than if you divorced and had to pay alimony (which isn't as easy to get and is not always the woman who is awarded alimony anymore) and child support. My MM has 4 kids. His support paid to them would be right around $800 a month if she was to get them. Staying with her is costing him a hell of a lot more. He has actually had more of his own spending money since he quit allowing her access to his entire pay check (only allowing her enough for bills, food, and other necessities for the kids).

 

Is it so hard for the man to get the kids in a divorce? Or are men just too scared to even try for them?? I know many men who got their kids in the divorce settlement. Maybe the men don't want to have to deal with being a single parent so they just give the kids to the wife. My MM intends to fight for custody. In fact there's only a few things he wants in the end: the kids, his truck, and a few other possessions he had before they were married.

 

As far as the emotional strain. Isn't it harder to stay together knowing it's over but not being able to move on with someone new?? As for the emotional strain on kids, isn't it better for them to grow up in a loving environment where they see the love shared between the adults in their lives??

 

I don't think I will ever really understand why couples stay together when they know it's over and there's no hope of reconciliation. I am sorry I couldn't help but only add more questions bettyboo.

[Oddone]

Other than "closure" for those who need it via a divorce, there is no real reason to pursue divorce on legal or financial grounds unless you want to remarry. Why throw money away to money grabbing lawyers when it is better spent providing for kids or necessiities for either spouse?

[BettyBoo]

I think money is an easy thing to 'hang ' it on . I think Kizzyfur has pointed out some very valid reasons why money is not the real issue.

 

I know for some it can be a very expensive, painful experience but I think the closure it brings, the sense of freedom and ownership of one's own life and future is worth any price.

 

In saying that any of the men I know who aren't divorced never use money as the reason. Most of them don't want the upset it might cause and woud live in limbo if it meant a quiet life. Others said they would not divorce as it means they still have 'control' over their separated wives!

[smile95]

I have to agree. My mm has been sep for 2 yrs and working on the divorce right now. They are fighting over every little thing. When they got legally sep, she got the million $ house and he lives in an apartment with roomates and is 29 yrs old. He is very proud of his job and the money he makes and to give it to her is hard on him. SO HARD!!! After reading all of these, it helps me understand why it is prob taking him so long to decide and not just "give in" to her requests. I am backing off while he goes thru this. It is too hard on me right now and he will not speak to me during this emotional time for him. I do not know if he will ever call. I know the divorce is happening. no doubt, but i know now that this is hard on his pride. To give all he has worked so hard for up. Thanks to all who added their stories to help me understand that I need to back off a while and he prob is not ignoring me becasue I did anything, but he is going thru a tough tough time!

[OWENRICH]

I know you say why dont men just file but my question is why is it the mans responsibility? The couple entered the marriage together and thus there are two people involved and either can file for divorce. So if the marriage is over then why cant the wife file if it is so bad. In my situation I cant file because of child custody and it looks bad on me as a father espcially since i want to work things out and she is the one that left. If things dont work out I want custody of our 3 year old son but that is near impossible without millions of dollars for lawyers since I am a father. Mothers almost always get custody unless they dont fight it. It sucks to be a father and want custody. All I will probably end up with is a few weekends a month and that is not fair. I am a great father but that doesnt mean a thing in court. so MY reason for not filing is my son. and the fear of losing him.

[BettyBoo]

I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I was not assuming that it is the man's responsibility to file for divorce. I filed for my own divorce and my husband probably would not have bothered even though he was living with his girlfriend.

 

I do hope that you can come to some solution with your wife around your children. I think it is sad if the intrested parent loses out because of gender. I don't now how true that is but I am sure the courts would take all the facts into consideration when deciding on custody.

Keep up the good work on being a good Dad and I am sure all things will work out for you

[Kizzyfur]

Originally posted by OWENRICH

I know you say why dont men just file but my question is why is it the mans responsibility? The couple entered the marriage together and thus there are two people involved and either can file for divorce. So if the marriage is over then why cant the wife file if it is so bad. In my situation I cant file because of child custody and it looks bad on me as a father espcially since i want to work things out and she is the one that left. If things dont work out I want custody of our 3 year old son but that is near impossible without millions of dollars for lawyers since I am a father. Mothers almost always get custody unless they dont fight it. It sucks to be a father and want custody. All I will probably end up with is a few weekends a month and that is not fair. I am a great father but that doesnt mean a thing in court. so MY reason for not filing is my son. and the fear of losing him.

 

Since my MM got involve with me telling me he was going to get a divorce, I started reading everything I could find online about it. Everything I have read about getting a divorce gives me the impression the person who files for divorce has the advantage, especially if it's not a "no fault" situation. You also have an advatage that you have a son. A lot of judges will lean toward giving a child to the same sex parent though most the time it really has no effect on the situation. The better parent is the one who can better care for the child.

 

Have you actually done any research or talked to any attorneys about your situation and to find out what your chances would be in getting your son. Also what you need to do to get him if you do divorce?? Even if you're trying to work on your marriage, you should really be researching what you can do to better your chances if divorce is the result. I found quite a few useful websites by doing searches on google and yahoo.

 

The guy should file for divorce if he's found someone else he wants to be with rather than prolonging it waiting for his wife to file. Same goes for if the wife finds someone. If divorce is inevitable, why put it off???

[Scott S]

Speaking for myself, it was a matter of some legal alternatives.

 

My ex left shortly before our 6th anniversary. It's unclear where the underlying cause began. I think we both had the wrong reasons for entering the marriage in the first place, & then brought unreasonable expectations into it. But I digress.

 

She had been treated in a resident care facility the previous year for depression & a nervous breakdown. Shortly after coming home, things started falling apart. We gradually became more & more distant. I had repeatedly suggested counseling, & after she refused I went on my own through my work's employee assistance program.

 

After describing the events of the last several months, the counselor told me that her behavior indicated that there was someone else. Doing some amateur gumshoe work of my own, I found she had been seeing the husband of one of her oldest & best friends for about 5 months, & that she was trying to determine a way to exit our relationship unscathed.

 

One of the options would be charging her with adultery, but she would not admit to it, despite my confronting her about it. I had knowledge, but not proof. I also did not have the resources to get into a messy legal issue.

 

The one I opted for was a divorce based on a 1 year separation. Initiating the legal separation with a cut-rate attorney cost about $100, & since there were no children or property division issues, it remained relative simple. Well, from the legal standpoint, anyway. I moved to another state, & began rebuilding my life. A little over a year later she filed the final divorce action, & subsequently married the other man.

 

To make a long story short, this was the most economical route, & while it took longer, it actually was less painful.

 

And it doesn't end there, either. After several years of healing, I regained the courage to try again. Met a beautiful, wonderful Christian woman in a church small group. We quickly became friends, & began dating romantically about a year later. Last May we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary, and look forward to many more!

[jrf5060]

Originally posted by Bubbles

Money......men HATE to part with their money and a Divorce usually cost a lot of money. For what? A piece of paper!

 

Bubbles

 

I am new here but I was reading some of the comments that was being posted. I have been separated from my wife for 4 1/2 years. We have a daughter who is 5. She is my world. However, since the separation a coe-worker and I have found love within each other. She was also separated when we met and became a widow by her husbands own hand. She has 3 kids of her own and the youngest is a girl who is also 5. My wife, family and friends know about this other women and I have not kept any secrets, yet my wife is still holding on. I filled once but never went through with it because I felt it wasn't right. My wife is awesome. She does everything for my daughter and would do anything for me, however, I am not "In Love with her". Yes I do Love her, but my heart now belongs to someone else. At this point, I am faced with the decision, "Do I divorce my wife and leave my child, to only be able to see her occasionally or do I stick it out and pray that one day I will have those feelings for my wife again. I guess I feel sorry for her, because she has been alone for all these years. I am tired of hurting and hurting the ones around me. At times, I feel if I wasn't around, the ones that I love could go on with their life's. It's not about the money it's about being a good father and standing by my daughters side every step of the way. I feel like I would be letting her down. This is the hardest decision that I have ever made. If anyone out their knows or might have an answer or solution, please help. I'm afraid I can't hold on too much longer with this pain.

[BettyBoo]

For what it's worth I think it is cruel to keep your wife dangling or entertaining any hope of you getting back together. Your wife is a great Mum to your daughter and obviously has been good to you. So do the decent thing and let her get on with her life. It is important to be clear with those we claim we love.

 

There is no reason you cannot continue to be a good Dad when divorced. If your wife is as amenable as you say I am sure your access to your daughter will be generous and flexible.

 

I don't understand why people think that creating a mess and leaving others slipping around in it is somehow ok. When we act as you did (you are now in another relationship) then you have got to take responsibility for your actions.

 

Sort it out and let the healing begin for all of your sakes......

 

Wishing you the best.....

 

p.s. your daughter will NEVER be better off without you.