Insults during arguments : True feelings or Pushing your buttons ?

[melodymatters]

For the most part, my marriage of 1.5 yrs is pretty good. Most days I would say kinda great, BUT there is ONE insult that he hurls at me during most fights ( OK, for the mathematicians here it's been 3 times total).

 

I don't want to get too personal, so let's pretend I have three nipples. My husband assured me, before and throughout our marriage that my third nipple was not a problem, in fact he found it endearing.

 

BUT, the last three arguments we had, the first thing he threw in my face was "The Third Nipple".

 

The question is, is it because deep down, he DOES have a problem with my third nipple, or as he says " I have nothing else to throw at you, I just was trying to push your buttons and hurt you and I am very sorry for doing so and I will work on it" ?

 

Discuss....?

[whichwayisup]

If my H did that, I'd wonder what else was going on inside his head to throw that back at me in my face. Either he is OK with the 3rd nip or he isn't. Using that against you during an argument is a low blow and not nice at all.

 

My H and I have never sworn at each other nor named called during arguments or fights..They don't happen that often but when they do it's best just to talk later once emotions are calmed down.

 

Next time, walk away before things get heated up to the point where he's being a jerk.

[Art_Critic]

My take, his desire to win the argument is greater than his desire to keep his word and not low blow hurt you.

 

His style of fighting is adjustable if he really listens to you and understands how the third nipple low blow hurts you.

 

My advice, make him understand how he needs to change his style of fighting, win at all costs is destructive.

I have fought this way before.. win at all costs and it makes me feel like a heel and I had to consciously adjust myself.

 

By the way, 3 nipples.. hawt... but one would always feel left out

[TaraMaiden]

It's called "Exploiting the Achilles Heel".

 

In my experience, and on a personal level, I have found that men are not as articulate and quick-thinking in arguments as they are in calmer moments.

Most men wouldn't dare use their hands on a woman, so they do the next best thing: They resort to attacks which they know will go straight to the chink in your armour.

 

At a loss as to how lose their temper, but still retain an element of reason and logic, they go for the cut and thrust - and jab with a verbal left hook at your feelings.

They 'hit you where it hurts'.

 

As I see it...

[Art_Critic]

Oh.. and too answer your question... pushing buttons all the way with a touch of I can't let it go.

[Keenly]

Personally I will never understand how people could use personal attacks in an argument with some one they care about.

 

When my recent ex and I argued, and they were pretty heated arguments, I would never once insult her or use anything I had as ammo against her. It was straight to the point, with me only arguing facts, logic, feelings that I had etc.

 

She on the other hand didn't play by those rules, and she hit pretty hard with the things she would say to me... made me feel lower than low.

[xxoo]

I'd say he was just trying to hurt you, and that really sucks

 

Why is he resorting to nastiness?

 

Is he a nasty person? (probably not)

 

So then, is he feeling powerless? Feeling attacked? Lacking self-control? Lacking communication skills?

[TaraMaiden]

Personally I will never understand how people could use personal attacks in an argument with some one they care about.

 

When my recent ex and I argued, and they were pretty heated arguments, I would never once insult her or use anything I had as ammo against her. It was straight to the point, with me only arguing facts, logic, feelings that I had etc.

 

She on the other hand didn't play by those rules, and she hit pretty hard with the things she would say to me... made me feel lower than low.

 

I spoke in my post about my own experience in these matters, but I will support Keenly in that there is no monopoly on behaviour like this, with regard to gender: both sexes are equally able to resort to such tactics.

but I'm of the opinion that with men, it's a verbal blow designed to land and hurt; with women it's cattiness and spite, but in either case, it's a total lack of respect.

 

And Respect is vital, in any Relationship, together with Trust and effective, constructive Communication.

If people resort to mud-slinging and verbal insults, then there is a definite lack or absence of Respect there.

 

And when I worked in Counselling, a wonderful woman there, who was a qualified Psycho-sexual counsellor often told the Pre-Marriage workshops:

 

"You would absolutely, positively blanch at some of the things I have heard people say to me, but nothing shocks me any more. People are people and people do different things. So the sexual discussions with people leave me un-shockable.

The only thing that sincerely still shocks me, even today, after all these years, is how two people - who were once so very much in love, and who made each others' dreams come true - can stoop to such disrespectful levels.

How can you remember the person into whose eyes you gazed with complete love - and now have such disrespect for them?"

[Nyla]

It's called "Exploiting the Achilles Heel".

 

In my experience, and on a personal level, I have found that men are not as articulate and quick-thinking in arguments as they are in calmer moments.

Most men wouldn't dare use their hands on a woman, so they do the next best thing: They resort to attacks which they know will go straight to the chink in your armour.

 

At a loss as to how lose their temper, but still retain an element of reason and logic, they go for the cut and thrust - and jab with a verbal left hook at your feelings.

They 'hit you where it hurts'.

 

As I see it...

 

This. I am a much better debater than my husband, so sometimes he comes up with shiz that doesn't even make any sense. He can't think as quickly as me.

 

I would rather be happy than right, so sometimes when we argue I just hug my husband and tell them that I don't want to fight.

[melodymatters]

Thank you all for taking time out of your merry new years celebrations ( I hope !) to chime in

 

Looking at the mans character in general, I would have to say he is not cruel or mean spirited.

 

I've been through a LOT and I have an above average b*llsh*t meter, but at the end of the day, I look at ACTIONS as opposed to words. His actions have showed me that he truly loves me and cares about our marriage.

 

I guess it just hurts and is a little surprising ( honeymoon over perhaps:( ) No one likes a kick in the c*nt, even during heated battle.

 

Thank you AC for sharing that someone as level headed as you has also taken the broken path and learned from it.

 

Actually you all had some really good things to contribute, and to the poster who asked about where his mental state might be, you are pretty spot on : We moved recently to MY hometown where I have a business and family, and he is pretty much lost, looking for work, no support network.

 

He says this is why he unreasonably said hurtful things he did not truly mean, and I do hope that's the case.

 

We both established that hurting the one you love is NEVER ok, even snide verbal insults, and that if it were to continue, I would no longer want, or even be able, to be a partner to him .

 

I think we will be OK, if not, I'LL BE OK ! Been there, don't need another T-shirt.

 

BUT I think it's a good topic and if anyone else wants to share their stories or discuss I think we could all learn something for future arguments sake !

[underwater2010]

If the "insult" is truly physically related I would guess it is just a low blow, however I wuold really try to pay attention to all that is said in an arguement. Most people let the blunt truth fly when angry. Most of the time we are also to angry to absorb what is being said.

 

IE.....you are never home because of work. He/she might be asking that you change your priorities but will not mention it outside of arguing because they do not want to chance hurting you.

[tigressA]

I've been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Quite a few men I've been involved with have resorted to the low blow when we argued. Even in my current relationship, we got into a disagreement and he said something quite hurtful when he misinterpreted something I had said to him. It honestly still bugs me a little bit even though it happened weeks ago; it really preyed on my one insecurity in the relationship (that he knew of).

 

In my own experience, the motivations varied--the content of the insult was rooted in something about me that bothered them on some level and that was their way of venting about it; they just resorted to saying something they knew would hurt me in order to try to win an argument, or they were just really pissed off/stressed/etc. There are usually other little giveaways that hint at the motivation.

[Clockwork]

Obviously my wife and I argue like anyone else but in the 5 years we've been married I can honestly say I've never yelled at her, swore at her, called her a name, hit her or intentionally tried to say something deep and personal that I knew would hurt her just so I could throw it in her face. Vice versa too, we can argue, but we argue healthy.

 

If your boyfriend is bringing things up in the heat of an argument he is doing it to hurt you AND it is something that subconciously bothers him or he wouldn't bring it up.

[newmoon]

seems like a combo of both - desire to hurt you where it hurts and also some truth to his dislike of this thing, whatever it is. something about it must also bother him for him to bring it up too, because he could chose other things if it was just about hurting you.

[Turtles]

For the most part, my marriage of 1.5 yrs is pretty good. Most days I would say kinda great, BUT there is ONE insult that he hurls at me during most fights ( OK, for the mathematicians here it's been 3 times total).

 

I don't want to get too personal, so let's pretend I have three nipples. My husband assured me, before and throughout our marriage that my third nipple was not a problem, in fact he found it endearing.

 

BUT, the last three arguments we had, the first thing he threw in my face was "The Third Nipple".

 

The question is, is it because deep down, he DOES have a problem with my third nipple, or as he says " I have nothing else to throw at you, I just was trying to push your buttons and hurt you and I am very sorry for doing so and I will work on it" ?

 

Discuss....?

 

My opinion, he really does not have a serious issue with it, he is just looking for an easy way to cut. Based on personal experience fighting with my ex-wife, where she would look for the most hurtful thing she could think of and use it. I really don't think she meant what she said, but it's very hard to deal with, when your spouse is the one person you want to be able to totally open to. So it's a tough character trait, you have to remember that he loves you and does not mean it, but if it's a personal issue it really erodes confidence to have it thrown in your face, and it makes it hard to open up further to the person because you worry about having it used against you.

 

I did talk to her about that, told her "bla bla bla is really hurtful to me and I know sometimes we get mad & fight but it's really important to me that you never mention that one", and it helped, a bit (not enough, obviously, that's why she is an ex, lol)

[JamesM]

It's called "Exploiting the Achilles Heel".

 

In my experience, and on a personal level, I have found that men are not as articulate and quick-thinking in arguments as they are in calmer moments.

Most men wouldn't dare use their hands on a woman, so they do the next best thing: They resort to attacks which they know will go straight to the chink in your armour.

 

At a loss as to how lose their temper, but still retain an element of reason and logic, they go for the cut and thrust - and jab with a verbal left hook at your feelings.

They 'hit you where it hurts'.

 

As I see it...

 

Again....this.

 

After 22 plus years of marriage, we on rare occasions will exploit this when extremely anger. However, ours are never physical deformities but character weaknesses. We will slip in an insult or two, but we know it is out of anger, and we find ourselves apologizing later for the comments.

 

Honestly, it rarely happens. But it can. And we both know that it has nothing to do with the weakness and everything to do with our frustration or anger. She tries to push my buttons to get a reaction and my goal is to not let it get to me.

 

Like Nyla, my wife is a better arguer mainly because she is more often out to win...not because she has the facts, mind you.... while I simply want a resolution. However, she knows I will win if it comes down to facts often. I don't debate unless I know the facts support me. It is then that she likes to bring in the emotional buttons. The better her position, the less she needs them...so I know that when she does, I really won.

 

I highly doubt that he thinks of this third nipple as a problem. He simply uses it as a way to "win."