Didn't contact him for 6 weeks/then last night he was banging on my door.

[jw32802]

Well I posted on here when I finally broke contact about my ex on July 4th. If you dont remember, I had broken up with my ex becasue he was acting distant...More of my story on this thread....in short, we were together 2 yrs, but he started acting distant and drinking so i told him if he didnt get help i couldnt do this anymore, and he still acted distant so i said i was done. He said he wanted to work on things so i said "ok but you need to treat me better". we still talked but werent together and finally one night i was at his house and saw pics of a new girl and found out he'd been seeing someone during the time we broke up. Which is fine! but he was still telling ME he wanted me back. I know he is allowed to date but i didnt like him telling me he wanted me back and telling me he wasnt dating when he was. He was seeing this girl, taking her to florida, she met his parents and she even told me that they were "In love"> it killed me so i said for him to not call me anymore and then i changed my phone number. that was july 4th. I didnt contact him again. I stuck to NC and was feeling better after 3 weeks. I am 100% better now, i do miss him at times but i am not consumed by it anymore and i am doing wonderfully. Exactly one month after, he contacted me well aug 1st and then aug 4th....on the 1st i got an email just saying a few lines and then the 4th he caught me online and started talking to me and asking me to be friends and that he missed me. I acted cool and after a little bit said i had to go. Well tht was the 4th. Last night (the 16th) I woke up at 2am to someone knocking on my front door and ringing the doorbell. i looked outside and it was his car. He was throwing stones up saying "jen"...I didnt answer at all. He ended up sitting in his car for a long time (i looked a few times). I didnt know what to do. Then around 3am i see him sign online (I had a whole new screen name which he doesnt know, but i did see him on my buddy list). and he sent me an email saying "Bad night, I was at your house, I needed a friend." Hes been signing on and off all morning, maybe to see if i answered him. I dont know what to do. I know this is just him being lonely and i am not going back to him at least not now. So many books say that this seems to happen at 6-8 weeks and that is just what it was. EXACTLY 6 weeks. I just dont know wht to do. If he is going thru a bad time i want to help him but i dont want him to think i am at his every beckon call. What should i do? I will not take him back at this point, but if he took the next few months and proved and tried to show me he changed, I would consider it after a few mths but at THIS point, I just wont take him back, i dont want it to be like i jump when he says jump. But i do miss him a lot. i havent found anyone to date that i click with like i did with him. I dont know , should i answer him? i feel so terrible if i ignore him, like i dont care, when i do.

[unsureofthings]

First of all.... I commend you for waiting so long and sticking to NC for such a long time. My wife and I are going through the exact same situation right now. She moved out and now I am devistated. At the time, it seemed like the best possible solution but now that the house is empty I feel as though it's the end of the world. I went to her a week later saying how badly I wanted to work things out and that I didnt want to just quit already. I didnt get the best response in the world and decided to try the NC rule now. Its only been 5 days and I'm going crazy inside. Let me ask you..... did he basically do the same thing? After NC for awhile all of a sudden he's changed his mind? My advice is to speak to him but only platonically. Dont bring up anything to do with the relationship and if he ask's you about it just change the subjet. See if he does anything about it and how he responds. I know actions speak louder than words but dont tell him that...let him show you and before you agree to try again let that drag on for awhile so that you know it's not only for a week or two.

 

Let me know

[jw32802]

Hi. Im so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard in the beginning. I will tell you this. Do not contact her at all, no matter WHAT. Everytime I thought of calling him, and there were times where it was LIKE A DRUG, LIKE I HAD TO DO IT, I would think say this to myself: (dont laugh , but i would really say these things to myself):

 

Jen, dont do it. If you call him, you are going to start all over. He needs to miss me, he needs to go out , date , find out that other girls dont compare to me. He needs to experience life without me, so he can be 100% sure if he does want to try again. He will not respect me, nor think that i stick to my guns if i call him. He will think he has me wrapped around his finger. I was good to him, and I know that even if he dates, no one will compare to what we had (i truly believe that). "

 

I would say thing s like this to myself. the best thing i did was change my number. Also, every book i read says that you have to NOT CONTACT THEM for at least 6-8 weeks because they need to experience what life is like without you. They say people can generally go a month without contact, because somewhere inside they feel like the other person will call them. Then 5 weeks hits and then she will wonder 'wow, is he that confident, is he that secure that he will find love again, that he really doesnt care to contact me anymore". this will get her wondering. then 6 weeks, i think that is the key. its been 6 weeks exactly and last night was the FIRST TIME he showed up at my door. That really was my whole rule. everyone kept saying to me "but you changed your number, how will he call you?" and i used to think like that, i used to think "i have to keep my number so i know when he tries to contact me". THEN i started thinking "if he REALLY WANTS TO GET A HOLD OF ME, he will SHOW UP AT MY DOOR AND BEG. he will find a way". And he finally did that. he finally realized he had to show up at my door . But i wasnt prepared so i didnt answer. i dont know if i will call but i feel guilty because if he really does need me right now, as a FRIEND, i hate to turn my back. but i think i will wait or else act really happy wheni call and just say "i got your email, i hope you are ok, if u need to talk, let me know. ill be out tonight but get in touch if you need to talk". i dont know. what should i do

 

Anyway yes i believe you should stop contact. you can email me if you want. anytime u want to call, email me. ill be honest with you, it will probably work if you guys really loved each other. i think the truest statement in the world is "you dont know what youve got till its gone." i miss him a lot and i realize how hard it is to click with a person. i mean i went out on dates and i just sat there thinking about how much more fun id have with my ex. i think u should actually think of it as a good thing. think of it as "i want her to miss me, i want her to feel empty" but she cant do that if you are around.

 

They even say to not let her see you online, not let her hear your voice, dont let her get ANY KIND OF FIX. they say that hearing your voice can give a person a fix which can make them go longer w/ out talking to you. thats what triggered the visit i got i think. i changed my screen name on line so he stopped seeing me online , he couldnt call me. he started wondering where i was and why i wasnt trying to trigger contact

 

If you want you can PM me and i can send you my email if you need to talk off of here. I wish you the best but you can do it! go out and buy this book, it will be your lifesaver. "Makeup, Dont breakup" by bonnie eaker weil. I can give you the link if you need it....

[Bubbles]

Hello jw32802,

 

For goodness sakes do NOT respond to him. If a family member is dying then fine I understand your want to "be there for him" but I am sure as the day is long that he can handle any other situation all on his own.

 

Do not allow him to lean on you......what if this is the situation.........what if he screwed up with a new girl he has been dating and wants to ask you questions like "do you think I'm an a**h***?" or....."was I like this with you?....how do I make things better with her?" How would you feel about that? I've had that happen to me and it really, really, really SUCKS! Talk about crushing my heart!

 

If you are going to open the door, you had better be ready for whatever comes through it.

 

Good Luck Honey I do sympathise with you really I do

 

 

Bubbles

[jw32802]

amazing........8 weeks to the day today, and he wants me back. he wants to take me out on a date tomrrow, says its like a first date again and he is like "i have goosebumps, im so anxious but i like it".......hmmmm.....not sure if i am going..

[EC]

Not sure?

 

 

Girl come on. he syas he started seeing this girl after you guys broke up? Really?

 

I think he met her before and he started acting distant with you.

 

Now what things aren't working out and hes going back to the past. I'm sorry to be blunt but it seems like you crumbling.

 

After all that hard work. Think of everything you went through for 6 weeks. It was hard wasn't it?

 

I say continue no contact and when you do talk to him talk to him about dumb things and avoid talking about the relationship.

 

Don't tell him what you went through those 6 weeks and dont tell him how you suffered. Don't tell him you miss him. If he really wants to work things out with you he has to prove himself and do way more than throw rocks at your window at 2 am.