How does one overcome irrationally low self esteem?

[Keenly]

Alright, so... where to begin. Due to reasons I can't quite explain, perhaps my less than stellar childhood, I have kind of a lower self esteem than maybe I should.

 

I have two parts of my brain, the rational part (maybe 90%), and the irrational part (10%, however the vocal minority takes place here)

 

The rational part looks at me in the mirror and says "alright, your not ugly, you are easy to talk to, can make people laugh, and love to have fun. You are set, man."

 

The irrational part looks at me and says "No one desires you, therefore you are undesirable. No one ever says you look good, therefore you are ugly. No one ever asks you to hang out or go somewhere with them in a group setting, therefore you are not fun."

 

 

My brain is vomiting all over itself with negativity, and It's getting really unhealthy and damaging my overall happiness.

 

How do I make this go away? Or limit it? I'm damn tired of being sad all the time, and its not an "I miss my ex" sad, it's an "I miss some one in my arms" kind of sad. Anyone?

[KathyM]

I would recommend therapy to combat your negative thinking. But if you want to try to work this out yourself, practice rephrasing your negative thoughts into something that is not so black and white. For example, instead of telling yourself "No one wants me", rephrase that into something more accurate and less black and white, such as "I don't have a gf right now, but I will keep working on myself and putting myself out there, have realistic expectations, and I will eventually have success."

[sweetkiwi]

Well darling i saw your photo. Youre right for thinking it's IRRATIONAL low selfesteem.

 

When your brain says "youre not _______ enough" you tell that brain to shut up. Repeat Everytime you have these irrational thoughts. That's how you change the pattern you've developed.

 

Then you get skillz. Ride a bike. Create art. DO STUFF to reaffirm your sense of worth

[Keenly]

Therapy is actually something I am trying to do right now, however I feel that (after only 1 visit) my therapist is being unprofessional by pushing god on me. I told her several times I wasn't into religion and she pushes it anyway, like its some how going to magically cure my sadness. One more meeting with her should determine whether or not I can keep doing that.

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to tell you, but this isn't uncommon.

 

Say you buy a new jumper.

99 people tell you how wonderful it looks, how nice the colour is, how well the style suits you.

One person - one person - tells you they think it was a poor choice, and frankly, you'd look better without it - and you know what sticks in your mind?

 

This one person's comment.

Forget the other 99 - we get into a tizz about the single one.

 

You need to challenge those thoughts when they arise.

 

"No one desires you, therefore you are undesirable."

 

Oh really? I haven't met everyone yet, so how can I say 'no one desires me'? Ridiculous. out of the global population, I'm convinced no one likes me? get outta here....

 

No one ever says you look good, therefore you are ugly.

I've never asked anyone if they think I'm ugly. They already think I look good, so there's no need for them to tell me, is there? What a dumbass comment. The way people are, if I REALLY looked ugly - they'd have told me or let me know by now!

 

get outta here....!

 

No one ever asks you to hang out or go somewhere with them in a group setting, therefore you are not fun."

Well how about you arrange a night out and invite a few folks along?

Not everyone else's social life is buzzing and busy all the time, you know... some have families, some have work - how do you know they're not sitting at home thinking the same thing??

organise something - get out and meet people - you'd be amazed at how many folks would jump at the chance - because unbeknownst to you - they're in the same boat!!

 

get outta here!!

 

Challenge every single negative this "one person" throws at you.

At times, our fears are the worst liars in the world....

[Keenly]

Well darling i saw your photo. Youre right for thinking it's IRRATIONAL low selfesteem.

 

When your brain says "youre not _______ enough" you tell that brain to shut up. Repeat Everytime you have these irrational thoughts. That's how you change the pattern you've developed.

 

Then you get skillz. Ride a bike. Create art. DO STUFF to reaffirm your sense of worth

 

 

Oh it's definitely irrational lol. Well you made me feel a little better just now haha thank you.

 

As far as skills, I have mad skillz doing random things, but creativity is not one of them. I think I might try and join an adult sports league around here if I can find one.

 

I never though of just telling my brain to shut up /facepalm ................ that might actually help, I'm going to try that for a week or so. Thanks.

[TaraMaiden]

Therapy is actually something I am trying to do right now, however I feel that (after only 1 visit) my therapist is being unprofessional by pushing god on me. I told her several times I wasn't into religion and she pushes it anyway, like its some how going to magically cure my sadness. One more meeting with her should determine whether or not I can keep doing that.

 

Funnily enough, I have had occasions to visit three therapists:

The first took a real fancy to me and ventured to ask whether i would consider a relationship - with her.... I left that one immediately....

 

The second did as yours is doing - and I quit that too, after the first session....

 

The third told me that she didn't believe we could possibly work together because he had taken an instant dislike to me, and that all the situations i had recounted to him were probably either imagined or my fault.

 

Cancel the next session.

it's not going to change, and she thinks that your persistence is a weakness she can exploit - if you keep going, then maybe God does want you for a sunbeam, and she needs to press on...

[KathyM]

Therapy is actually something I am trying to do right now, however I feel that (after only 1 visit) my therapist is being unprofessional by pushing god on me. I told her several times I wasn't into religion and she pushes it anyway, like its some how going to magically cure my sadness. One more meeting with her should determine whether or not I can keep doing that.

You may want to find a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Therapy or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is the form of therapy that challenges negative thoughts and irrational beliefs.

[IT Geek]

I have the same problem as you. Except it's my rational brain that fuels my low self-esteem. LOL

[Aedra]

Ughh...exactly the issue I've had almost my entire life. It takes just take one - ONE - person to say that you're not quite attractive enough, thin enough, cool enough, smart enough...and it totally shatters any kind of self esteem you've been building up. One day I'm convinced I look quite okay and this old man at the place my mom works at compares us at bluntly tells me I'm nowhere near as good looking as my mother and he's surprised by that. It HURT so bad and I couldn't stop obsessing over it for weeks and cried myself to sleep some days. Pretty ridiculous to some I know..sigh. I have tried three therapists, medication, good old fashioned positive thinking, its never enough.

 

I'm not sure what the real answer is, I suppose this cognitive behavioral therapy is the way to go and surrounding yourself by positive people. I just can't think of any other way it can be fixed, its a slow process of rewiring your brain.

Edited January 3, 2013 by Aedra

[rys]

Be with happy people. Surround yourself with positive people.