budley12 Posted January 1, 2013 Share Posted January 1, 2013 I think I'm being raped by my professor from Uni. I am currently on holiday traveling in Australia with him (he helped me do field work in NZ -and everything was fine) but the past few nights in Australia I found him touching me in bed. Last night I woke up to him putting his finger up my bum and sucking me off. I don't know what to do. He is a good person, and cares about me and I dont think I want to do anything to jeopardize his career. Besides, he lined me up with a career with his uncle at an engineering firm. Also, he is one of the professors which decides if I graduate next semester... If I tell someone I am not sure what will happen, and I wouldnt be able to show my face on campus again. I am trapped. I guess I am just looking for help. A part of me wants to tell someone and leave and go home. I am so uncomfortable around him now, and I can no longer sleep at night. I feel trapped being in Australia with nothing I can do... is this rape? What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Seductive Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Hi Budley, Anyone having sex with you without your consent is rape. You are asleep and you're not consenting to the act. I understand your concerns and it looks like this person is abusing his power. You first need to make yourself safe from this person, so he doesn't keep continue doing what he's doing. I could tell you to alert the authorities, cops or tell someone, but I know how SOME (not all) can get re-traumatized, dismissed or get themselves in further trouble. I hope someone else can give you more valuable advice. Sorry this is happening to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 How old are you? There is nothing wrong with telling him to STOP! Why don't you tell him you don't want him to touch you and you do not appreciate what he did to you in bed? Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Budley, you are not being raped if you lie there, saying nothing, while he is giving you a BJ. As a responsible adult, you are expected to speak up for yourself and tell him "No" if you don't want the BJ. The vast majority of gay men -- which likely will include your professor -- will back off and respect your wishes. Yet, in the unlikely event he forces himself on you over your protests, and if you are somehow unable to run out of the room, then you are being "raped." I therefore suggest you tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you don't want to repeat the experience and, if that is going to be a problem, you are returning early to North Carolina. Don't assume, however, that he will refuse to cooperate. Most likely, he will comply with your demands. It is common for older gay men to be attracted to young males and, if they cannot have a sexual relationship, they often will settle for being a mentor or friend. Indeed, even when an older and younger man have a full-blown sexual relationship (if you will pardon the pun), it is common for such relationships to quickly transform into a platonic friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Seductive Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) Budley, you are not being raped if you lie there, saying nothing, while he is giving you a BJ. As a responsible adult, you are expected to speak up for yourself and tell him "No" if you don't want the BJ. In the state I live in, lying there and not saying anything could still be counted as a lack of consent. The only hard part is proving it in court, but the right amount of evidence could prove it as a rape. Studies show that many rape victims freeze, shut down and don't fight back.I personally think this isn't the right forum for the OP to post this in, and it would be best to contact a rape crisis center and talk to an expert that knows what legally counts as rape. I feel like a lot of people out there don't know what counts as rape. There's much more to rape than what we see portrayed on TV. What counts as rape in the state of Massachusetts an be found here: Dean of Students Office | Clark University Depending on what state or country you live, the laws of rape can vary. Edited January 2, 2013 by Seductive Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Share Posted January 2, 2013 i am now in brisbane and the room again only has one bed. Im not sure what to do. I am 21... SOmething like this happened earlier in the year with him as well. He got me drunk when he was teaching me about wine. And then I blacked out and dont remember the rest of the night. I woke up in the morning in his bed and a condom on the floor. We talked about that and I let it slide because he convinced me I was flirting and "into it"... and since I cannot remember it I couldnt argue that. We had talked about that night over and over again, and he promised it would never happen again and it was just the alchohol. And from that point on I made it a point that he knew I was not into him in a sexual way. This professor is a good person, but I am feeling sick. On the flight eariler into Brisbane I was crying and am extremely uncomfortable. I am now in the hotel and there is an akward silence between us. He asked me if everything is alright... and I think he knows that I know what he was doing. Im not sure what to do... I am about to break out in tears again. Link to post Share on other sites
ErosOcean Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 (edited) Since you yourself have stated that you chosen to go on a holiday trip with him. I'm assuming this is a personal trip and is not school related. If that is the case then I am guessing that he knows what he is doing. He is advanced in his years and may have even done this before in the past with a previous student. Anyway, I won't judge you for how you got into your position. But, ultimately you have a few choices to make: 1. You can continue on with your current uncomfortable situation which could lead to something that you may regret for life. 2. You can continue on with the vacation with him in a separate room, letting him know your boundaries. Maybe he will listen but that's a toss up. 3. You can continue on with your vacation by yourself and find a new hotel or check out sites like couch surfing to find people who will let you crash on their couches for free. 4. End the vacation and book a flight back home. If you don't have enough money, call friends or family and let them know that you are stranded and need help. Listen, I understand that feeling of being trapped that you are feeling right now. I've had similar experiences when I used to hitch hike. Having someone help you and then having that same person put you in an uncomfortable situation is not fun. In that moment, you may try to justify their actions because they are helping you out and because you are in a seemingly weak position. You will feel scared when you have to step out of your comfort zone and go it alone. When hitch hiking I had to make a choice of either continuing on with the uncomfortable ride to the next city/town or have them drop me off in the middle of nowhere in the pitch black of the night. It's scary. But in situations when people make you uncomfortable, you have the choice to stay true to your integrity and principles. You have to give yourself courage to do what you think is right. Believe in yourself and don't sell yourself short. You are stronger than you think. As for you saying your professor is a good person. Well, it seems that Nature requires for us to learn to discriminate against what a good person is and what is not. There are plenty of wolves disguised in a sheep's clothing in this world. I've met the lot. Lastly, I'll leave you with a couple quotes which I hope will give you some strength. A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble. - Gandhi Nobody can hurt me without my permission - Gandhi Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Love, you can do this. Edited January 2, 2013 by ErosOcean More thoughts... Link to post Share on other sites
Crusoe Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Budley, a professor that sticks his finger up one his students bottom and starts performing oral sex on them while they sleep is not a good man. A sick bast*rd would be a better description. He's abusing you, your trust and his position. Don't be afeared to either expose him or get away from him. You don't have to tolerate this at all. End it, by hook or by crook, put an end to it and then go talk to someone who specializes in this kind of thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted January 2, 2013 Author Share Posted January 2, 2013 didnt have time to find another site for help. limited internet. i tried to act normal today so he wouldnt do something crazy to me. he is currently "sleeping" in bed next to me. I am attempting to leave hotel early and fly from brisbane to syd and then to NZ to get away where i have contacts. Link to post Share on other sites
ErosOcean Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Love, you are doing the right thing. If at anytime you feel your life is threatened or if you need further help, don't be afraid to seek help from the police or the manager at the hotel. If you are a US citizen, the embassy will help you. There's an embassy in Sydney. American Consulate General Level 59 MLC Centre 19-29 Martin Place Sydney, NSW 2000 Telephone: (02) 9373-9228 Email: [email protected] (02) 9373-9200 (option 1) - 8:00am to 5:00pm Sydney time on business days. After business hours, dial (02) 4422-2201. When calling from the United States, dial 011-612-9373-9200 (option 1) during business hours, or 011-612-4422-2201 for after hours assistance. For immediate assistance within Australia, dial 000 (triple zero) to be connected with the police, ambulance or fire brigade. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 He doesn't sound like a "good person" to me. Please stand up for yourself and remove yourself from this situation - cut your trip short and report him. So sorry this has happened to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author budley12 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 thank you for your responses everyone. I just wanted to update... He tried to touch me again last night. I had my flights booked for the next morning and had decided that I was going to leave when he fell asleep. I made sure all of my things were packed and I just waited for the right time. I honestly didn't think he would attempt anything again because he was acting strange to me that day, but just in case I set up a movie recording on my laptop to run in the background. Well, he did do something. I stopped him when things went too far and I want to thank all of you for giving me the strength to do this. I am not yet sure what to do about reporting him, but I just wanted to get out of Australia to where I am definintely safe. I do not see him as an aggressive or violent person, but once he realizes what may be at stake I wasnt sure how he would respond. I am now at Sydney international airport with a flight booked to NZ. I am still extremly nervous sitting at the airport because he could be attempting to flee the country back to Brazil. ~4hours till i leave 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Crusoe Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Glad to hear it Budley and well done for stopping him. When you get home grab a couple of good nights kip and talk it through with someone you trust. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
ErosOcean Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) ...but just in case I set up a movie recording on my laptop to run in the background. Well, he did do something. I stopped him when things went too far and I want to thank all of you for giving me the strength to do this. I am not yet sure what to do about reporting him... Good work. As for reporting him, I'm sure you'll have it figured out when you get home. And I have no doubt that you'll be doing just fine in the future. Remember to always stay true to your integrity and principles. Best of luck. Edited January 3, 2013 by ErosOcean Link to post Share on other sites
Seductive Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 thank you for your responses everyone. I just wanted to update... He tried to touch me again last night. I had my flights booked for the next morning and had decided that I was going to leave when he fell asleep. I made sure all of my things were packed and I just waited for the right time. I honestly didn't think he would attempt anything again because he was acting strange to me that day, but just in case I set up a movie recording on my laptop to run in the background. Well, he did do something. I stopped him when things went too far and I want to thank all of you for giving me the strength to do this. I am not yet sure what to do about reporting him, but I just wanted to get out of Australia to where I am definintely safe. I do not see him as an aggressive or violent person, but once he realizes what may be at stake I wasnt sure how he would respond. I am now at Sydney international airport with a flight booked to NZ. I am still extremly nervous sitting at the airport because he could be attempting to flee the country back to Brazil. ~4hours till i leave Glad to hear that budley and I'm glad you had the strength to say no. Believe it or not, saying no in a dangerous situation can be very hard and many people just put up with what's going on. You got yourself out. Now, you know what to do if that situation happens again. I understand you may be feeling exhausted and too overwhelmed right now to report. Just take care of yourself and be around people that support you. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Call your parents. Right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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