My boyfriend won't comfort me or show me any affection...what do I do?

[Gene88]

Hi

I've been with my boyfriends for almost 7 years, we have had are ups and downs in the early days and I've left him twice but we've always resolved things and our relationship has improved.

 

6 months ago we emigrated but homesickness took a hold of me and now we're moving back. I've felt so guilty about this and in the first few weeks it was tough and I've shed a lot of tears because of some of the things he's said and the fact he wouldn't just give me a hug and say 'everything's going to be alright and that he understands' I just wanted that emotional support as I would do for him but instead I cried for hours on my own and he wouldn't even comfort me once. I then had to tell my parents because I couldn't go through this on my own despite the fact he told me not to, but he found out and got really mad and threatened not to come back with me...and again no comfort no consoling, nothing.

 

Recently we went back to England for Christmas and everything was fine, until I discovered his business partner and friend was addicted to cocaine, violent and almost killed a family drink driving on Christmas Day. I was very concerned for my boyfriend as he was round his house every night til 4 in the morning and I just wanted to stress my concern to him but instead he went off on one in front of my parents said 'I don't care about anyone just myself' i then stormed out as I was so hurt that he could say this to me. Again instead of comforting me he left me to cry. I then went back into the pub once I'd calmed down, I calmly asked him why he would say that but again he got frustrated with me and said some hurtful things like 'how would you like it if I went back on my own and you stayed here' in a belittling and arrogant way. It's almost as if he resents me for wanting move back and his friend has had an influence on him this past week.

 

That evening I was with my friend as I couldn't go back to the hotel on my own, he then decided to go to the pub with his friends instead of making sure I was ok. i even told him, you are the only one who has hurt me and you are the inly one who can make me feel better. i told what i needed but he didnt listen and cared more about his friend/business partner.

I'm his partner of 7 years, I would never dream of doing that to him or saying those hurtful things and speaking to me like a child. At the airport he was not bothered about how hurt I was, his attitude was that I'm being ridiculous. But why should I take being spoken to like that. It's like the early days are repeating themselves. And I can't go through that again.

 

Now he wants to move back to England ASAP and he says its for me, but still he hasn't apologised for how much he hurt me. I just feel like a nuisance to him, a burden who has ruined his dream.

 

What do I do now? He says he wants things to go back to normal but how can I after this? I'm still very hurt and I don't know what's going to happen when we go back. All I want is for him to show me some real affection not just there there lets go back to normal and everything will be fine. I need more then that, but will I get it?

[sweetkiwi]

No you won't. It honestly sounds like he's up to no good with his business partner. Those doing hard drugs often lose empathy and compassion. And that's exactly what's happened. If I were you I would pull back. Maybe take time away from him once you are settled in your new place. Get hobbies. Be gone doing things that make you feel good. Expecting it from him isn't going to get you anywhere.

[Gene88]

Thanks sweetkiwi.

 

I know deep down I deserve better. I also think he knows I wont just up and leave because we have a cat out here and I want to make sure she comes back with us so if I did finish it at least I could take her with me. He has on more than one occasion said 'well what are we going to do with Effy' when we argued on the way back here. He also suggested give her to our neighbor but I just can't do that. It might seem pathetic but I'm very attached to her.

 

I also find it strange that before all of this he was never interested in his friend, literally he would only see him on a professional basis. So I'm just confused as to why he has now become so important to him over me. Why he would rather be with him then me when I need him most at the moment. We need eachother to get through this tough time. My boyfriend also use to smoke weed...the first few days over christmas he said he doesn't like it anymore after having 1 smoke after not smoking it for 9 months. And now he says he wants his friend round 'to smoke a few joints' etc. Well tbh I don't want that person round, someone who is known well by the police for 'cocaine' and other offenses. The other night his friend pushed someone down the stairs and they cracked their head open, my boyfriend actually thinks its funny how ****ed up his friend gets :/. I don't want to sound like a mater, but why can't he understand where I'm coming from? I'm positive if it was me hanging around with someone like that he would have something to say about it. And I would actually listen, calmly and talk it through properly. After all in the long run if his friend/business partner carries on like this it will effect our lives money wise.

 

One thing I would like to mention is that his friend told my boyfriend he was gay when he came to visit us....he also made a pass at my boyfriend in a sexual manner when he was drunk (I was asleep so was told about this in the morning) Now tell me if im wrong, a real man would not stand for that? But is it because he's backed into a corner because he's his business partner??

 

Well if things don't improve between us and i get nothing of what I need when we're settled then I will call it a day...for now I will back off and do my own thing.

[sweetkiwi]

I feel for you girl. I was in a live in three year relationship from ages 19-21. He eventually chose booze, weed, and his lame friends over me. But that's where you're wrong. Because it's simply not a fair fight. People always lose others to addiction. The addicted person cannot choose life over death because death is too intoxicating.

 

You need to get your cat and pack your bags because it will get worse before it gets better. I wish you luck!! You can do it!!

[Gene88]

It's good to be able to hear it from someone who isn't friends or family. I will give him one more chance...if he doesn't respect my wishes or my feelings then he doesn't deserve me.

It's strange cause I few months ago I new this was it, the man I will settle down with my soul mate. I've always known this. But it's not as simple as that if he can't see what he's choosing over me 6 years down the line. I shouldn't be having these kinds of problems, he should be getting down on one knee...

[stillafool]

I can tell you that all your crying is getting on his nerves. He is having fun spending time with this guy until 4AM doing drugs? It sounds like he may be experiencing more that drugs over at his friends house if you know what I mean. If I were you I would start using a condom when you have sex with your bf because something doesn't seem right. It is good that you are going back home to be with your family as I don't see your relationship lasting much longer. It seems that the two of you are growing in different directions and you need to think hard as to whether to hang on to this relationship. How old are you guys btw? You said "we need each other to get through this rough time". Is there something else going on?

[CarboniteCammy]

Well...my opinion seems to differ from everyone else's...

 

First off, I personally wouldn't give up a dream of mine and move for someone if my arrangement with them wasn't permanent (marriage). If I were in your BF's shoes, I'd probably let you move back to England on your own, and I don't fault him for being frustrated with you about that.

 

BUT, if he does decide to move back with you, then he has to own that he made that choice himself. The fact that he's being passive aggressive with you is NOT acceptable because it's not like you're holding a gun to his head forcing him to move back.

 

Everything else he's doing he's doing to get at you to punish you for wanting to move back.

 

I think you guys need to have a very honest, and hard conversation and level with eachother about your collective needs and wants and go from there.

[newmoon]

are you sure he's started drugs? perhaps his friend has had an influence in another way: by watching his feriend spiral down he is thinking that other things are more important and that (might) not include you. he might see more meaning/different meaning in his life while watching this other friend? this is assuming, of course, he hasn't taken drugs with this guy. i'd also ask myself whether he was comforting and empathetic before or not. if he never was then it's not different, but if he was the type to wipe away tears while you were crying before then yeah, you've got a dilemma, probably a guy who doesn't care what your next move is because he doesn't want to be part of it. after 7 years with no marriage ... it's going nowhere fast