What does it mean to Put the Spouse or Marriage First?

[knitwit]

So, one standard piece of advice for happy/lasting marriages is to put the spouse or marriage first.

 

When I got married, my religious friend in a 15+ year happy marriage said to put the marriage first, b/c there will be times when you really don't like your spouse! But if your actions always support the marriage, then the marriage will thrive. They continue to be a very tight and happy couple.

 

My neighbor, who has been happily married for 40+ years, said to put your husband first, b/c if you do, it will be lovely to be with him and he is very likely to reciprocate. This couple has been through hell with their kids (illness, addiction) and are probably the most together couple I've met.

 

Both spouses who gave the advice were the wives, BTW.

 

I am curious as to other people's thoughts and experiences on this- and I am really interested to see examples of how they do (or don't) put their spouse or marriage first.

 

For me:

 

1. I did NOT put my spouse/marriage first when it came to feeding my son. My DH is the cook of the family- he prides himself on it. For a while, he had a job that brought him home late. He still insisted on cooking, but dinner wasn't ready until nearly 7.30/8.00 PM, which was WAY too late for my then 1 year old.

 

We tried to come up with some solutions that worked for everyone: crock-pot meals (he agreed to it once/week, since in his mind it isn't really cooking); shop on the weekends for dinner (he didn't agree b/c he likes his food fresh, so he went shopping each day- and this is what made the dinners so late!); I cook instead (flat out no- he is a much better cook and he likes to do it, it is an act of service for him.)

 

We ended up with a mish-mash of solutions, that just about always ended up with me feeding my son around 5.30/6ish, and the DH and I eating together later that night. I'd try to keep the left overs for LO's lunch and dinner the next night.

 

Thankfully, he is a contractor so once that job changed, he got back to a normal schedule and we were all happier.

 

2. Examples of putting the spouse first:

-My son on occasion throws temper tantrums when we leave for date night. We go anyway.

-On occasion, my son will wake up in the night in his room while my husband and I are having our in-house, um, "date". I make sure my DH's "date" has a good ending, then go to my son (we're talking a few minutes, not a very long time for my LO to be crying.)

-In the evenings, I try to be sure to sit close to my DH, rub his knee (he had surgery and it is very sore), while our son plays on the floor. Or, if I am holding our son, I still try to physically touch my DH (like leg pressed against leg, or feet entwined together) since he really likes affection.

-I try to throw everything pass my husband and include him on everything before making decisions. I won't do anything if I can't get his buy-in (although sometimes it is a reluctant buy-in, such as with the dinners noted above.)

 

Since my son is still young, I find it hard to put my DH "first"; instead I more or less try to make sure they both get attention. I really try to let my DH know when he does something admirable, which is really every day.

 

I am not really sure what putting the spouse/marriage looks like, action-wise, and would love to hear how other people do/don't it!

[xxoo]

This got easier for us as the kids got out of toddler ages. Both of us were very baby-focused, and neither of us would let a baby cry so we could go on a date, or finish up sex. So we were on the same page about that (Go get the baby!!)

 

After age 2 or so, our kids hear us say things like, "Daddy and I are talking right now. Go play, and I'll get you in a minute." Daddy and I are having some time right now.....Daddy told you no. That means no. (even if I don't care as much)....Daddy is hugging Mommy right now......etc. It is a natural progression for us, taking more time for ourselves as the kids grow more independent.

 

Our marriage comes before hobbies, work opportunities, and that sort of thing, too. For example, I wouldn't take a job offer in a place that my H hates, or vice versa. And even if I feel like staying up late and watching tv, I put my marriage first and go spend some time in bed with H every single night. Cuddles/sex first, tv second

 

Oh, another thing we both do is try to out-do the other in making life easier for the other. So we are both striving to fold that last load of laundry before the other gets to it in the evening (that's become a bit of a joke, each of us trying to get to it before the other). And we both save that last chocolate for the other. Little things like that add up, putting the other first.

Edited January 2, 2013 by xxoo

[knitwit]

This got easier for us as the kids got out of toddler ages. Both of us were very baby-focused, and neither of us would let a baby cry so we could go on a date, or finish up sex. So we were on the same page about that (Go get the baby!!)

 

After age 2 or so, our kids hear us say things like, "Daddy and I are talking right now. Go play, and I'll get you in a minute." Daddy and I are having some time right now.....Daddy told you no. That means no. (even if I don't care as much)....Daddy is hugging Mommy right now......etc. It is a natural progression for us, taking more time for ourselves as the kids grow more independent.

 

Our marriage comes before hobbies, work opportunities, and that sort of thing, too. For example, I wouldn't take a job offer in a place that my H hates, or vice versa. And even if I feel like staying up late and watching tv, I put my marriage first and go spend some time in bed with H every single night. Cuddles/sex first, tv second

 

Oh, another thing we both do is try to out-do the other in making life easier for the other. So we are both striving to fold that last load of laundry before the other gets to it in the evening (that's become a bit of a joke, each of us trying to get to it before the other). And we both save that last chocolate for the other. Little things like that add up, putting the other first.

 

That is awesome, you guys seem like an incredibly close couple! I love that you both consciously strive to make life easier for the other- I need to do that! We do both try to make sure the other one gets the last chocolate (or chip, etc.), but I haven't made a conscious effort overall.

 

Did the prioritizing come easily to you both, or did you have to work at it initially?

[movingon12]

Definitely prioritise your partner's happiness over anyone elses'. A lot of my husband's friends definitely value friendship over family and I really pity their wives and kids.

 

If it comes to prioritising your partner's happiness over your own, then obviously that is something that needs to be negotiated so that neither person feels they are always the one missing out. Ideally though - if you're on the same page, this doesn't happen very often / is easily resolved.

 

But realistically - with infants - baby's happiness comes first. Which is fine as long as you're both agreed that's the approach to take.

 

It's important to know what makes your spouse happy (do they like it when you cook for them? do they like it when you buy them things? do they like soppy love notes on the bathroom mirror?) and do it is as much as you possibly can.

[xxoo]

Did the prioritizing come easily to you both, or did you have to work at it initially?

 

It has definitely gotten easier with practice!

 

I second what movingon said about prioritizing spouse over family and friends.

[knitwit]

Thanks, both!

 

We have one friend who's spouse spends a lot of time away from him- she is from a different country, and likes to hang out with other friends from the same country. He doesn't speak the language and so will instead hang with us. She's preggo now, though, and they are spending a lot more time together now.

 

My SIL is younger and is still in her party days. She isn't married, but has been with her SO for 18 years. She and her fella spend a lot of time apart on girls/boys nights out- at least, it seems a lot to both me and DH. SIL is frequently inviting me out to bars, saying to get a sitter or DH to watch the little one. She teases the hell out of me b/c I like to stay in; if I go out (maybe 4-5 times/year) 95% of the time I will have DH with me, and the other 5% I stay for one drink and head home.

 

It is her belief that couples who don't have some independent time won't make it. I agree that people need some "me" time, but differ hugely in how much time, and how "me" time is appropriately spent.

 

I would not at all be comfortable AT ALL if my DH joined her fella and his friends on their nights out. He also gets invited and will not go. He will not tell me why. He just says, you don't want to know.

 

Actually, I half expected to see some people respond that they put their spouse's happiness first but going along with the boys or girls nights out.

[standtall]

Well knit, you should put your husband first in your marriage( and husbands their wives) only if you want to stay married.

 

You married your husband, not your son. Your children will spend only a small fraction of their lives as a child, and will grow up and leave the house. When this happens, it will be you and your husband. If you do not keep that spark alive during the time at which your raising children...usually 20-25 yrs....then don't be surprised that you find their is nothing left when you are around 50, and he will have moved on without you. Now, it is you at 50...and a failed marriage.

 

 

Something to ponder.

[knitwit]

If it comes to prioritising your partner's happiness over your own, then obviously that is something that needs to be negotiated so that neither person feels they are always the one missing out. Ideally though - if you're on the same page, this doesn't happen very often / is easily resolved.

 

Thanks- I think it is really important that whatever concessions are made are still workable to both parties. I am more bitchy, I guess, and I am very likely to tell my DH when I would really prefer to find another solution to something; my DH is more likely to go along to get along. He seems to be telling me more freely though if he is unhappy with something, which I really appreciate (well, usually I appreciate it!)

 

Luckily, at least so far, we've had only rare disagreements. We are usually pretty much thinking similarly.

 

It's important to know what makes your spouse happy (do they like it when you cook for them? do they like it when you buy them things? do they like soppy love notes on the bathroom mirror?) and do it is as much as you possibly can.

 

This is awesome- this is like the "love bank" idea, where the goal is basically to become a specialist at making your spouse happy and keep the bank full.

 

I feel very fortunate that both DH and I really like touch/affection; we are both normally quickly calmed down and soothed by a long hug, or a caress, etc. When we are stressed we both instinctively go for a hug or to just get close.

 

I guess I haven't considered these things as putting DH/marriage as the priority; but upon reading this, obviously it is!

[whichwayisup]

Your H comes first before friends..But, when it comes to your son, your kid(s) come first most of the time. That's just common sense and your H shouldn't be competing or hoping for your attention when it comes to his own flesh and blood!

 

Seems your H expects TOO much to be first in your life right now. He's a grown man and can cook dinner, help you more and not let you deal with your son and then let you wait on him ... To have to give him attention at the same time you have your son in your lap? Sorry but that's odd.. Even if he's had a surgery, he's not a child and doesn't need affection and hand holding 24/7.

[knitwit]

Well knit, you should put your husband first in your marriage( and husbands their wives) only if you want to stay married.

 

You married your husband, not your son. Your children will spend only a small fraction of their lives as a child, and will grow up and leave the house. When this happens, it will be you and your husband. If you do not keep that spark alive during the time at which your raising children...usually 20-25 yrs....then don't be surprised that you find their is nothing left when you are around 50, and he will have moved on without you. Now, it is you at 50...and a failed marriage.

 

 

Something to ponder.

 

Thanks, Standtall. I want to keep the spark alive between my DH and I, because I love our relationship!

 

What I am curious about is- how do you operationalize "putting the Spouse first"?

 

My parents were married for over 40 years, from the time they graduated college in the '60s until my Dad died a few years ago. I could be wrong, but i don't believe they put their spouse first. I think they both loved each other and had good boundaries- they wouldn't do anything overt to threaten the marriage like cheat, spend excessively, there was no abuse- but they really lived independent lives within the marriage.

 

My parents helped create situations that made the other happy- my mom agreed to my dad being on the "forefront" of TV technology (as budget allowed). He loved TV, sports, and movies, and we were the first in the neighborhood to have a VHS, for example. We always had the best, most extensive cable channels that were available at any time. Friends and relatives would call dad if they had any questions or arguments about actors, TV shows, timelines, etc.

 

But- my mom? She didn't like to watch TV. She loved (still does) to be active. She loves to travel, go out to dinner, go OUT to movies, plays, museums. She sings in two chorus groups. She loves to garden. My dad was OK with all this, and helped her financially (she did work, but he never argued about her spending money on her hobbies and groups) and also by taking care of dinner, the house, the kids (when we were teenagers), etc so she could go do those things. She'd ask him to go but he never wanted to; there was always a game or a movie or a show on that he wanted to see (usually games.)

 

My mom was asleep most nights by 9 PM, alone, and my dad was up most nights until at least 12 or 1 AM. They barely spent any time alone together, at least when I was young and living in the house.

 

But, they were happy enough in their marriage to stay married. It's been a few years and my mom still tears up occasionally from missing him.

 

It doesn't look to me that they put their marriage or each other first- it looks to me that they made sure the basics were there, and then when about their lives. But maybe I am wrong and am not conceptualizing this correctly. I think they had very different expectations about what made a marriage.

[knitwit]

-Is putting your marriage first as simple as making sure your spouse has the things they want?

 

-Does it come down to making sure you don't cross lines that are deal-breakers?

 

-Can you put your marriage/spouse first but still have a bad marriage?

 

The things I am reading so far are things that appear to make really great romantic relationships! I want that, and I think a strong romantic relationship can carry you through a lot of things.

 

But is it realistic to think it is possible to always have a romantic relationship?

 

I don't know. I know what I want in my marriage, but I am always curious to see how other people think and how relationships differ.

[Snowflower]

My take on your question?

 

When you put your spouse/marriage first...it means your prioritize your marriage over everyone/everything...family, friends, jobs and yes, even your own children.

 

This doesn't mean that you have no outside interests, friends or hobbies. Sure, you do! It doesn't mean that you spend every waking moment together. Your family and your children especially are extremely important.

 

Too many people put their children ahead of their marriages and at the forefront of their lives and it has done nothing but produce not well-adjusted children and entitled young people who think the world revolves around them...even more so than what is considered normal for children/young adults...while the parents' marriage is in shambles (or has dissolved) because it was neglected.

Edited January 2, 2013 by Snowflower

[knitwit]

Your H comes first before friends..But, when it comes to your son, your kid(s) come first most of the time. That's just common sense and your H shouldn't be competing or hoping for your attention when it comes to his own flesh and blood!

 

Seems your H expects TOO much to be first in your life right now. He's a grown man and can cook dinner, help you more and not let you deal with your son and then let you wait on him ... To have to give him attention at the same time you have your son in your lap? Sorry but that's odd.. Even if he's had a surgery, he's not a child and doesn't need affection and hand holding 24/7.

 

Thanks WWIU. For me, my child's well-being is a priority. What can get tricky at times for me as a mom is working out the line between a child's well-being vs just a want.

 

This is why I am OK with letting my son cry for a minute or two in his room before throwing off the DH and rushing in- half the time, the LO falls back asleep on his own before a minute or two is gone. But, I would not let the son cry for more than a minute or two- at that point, I think the LO has something going on and needs attention, and that will come first.

 

I think I must have been unclear in my above posts. My DH is the one who cooks- I did some slight cooking for the LO for a while, because DH wasn't able to get home in time to make dinner at a reasonable hour for our son. Usually my "cooking" was heating up the dinner my DH made at 8 pm the night before for me and him. It just took us a while to get to that agreement.

 

As far as being close to DH while sitting with my DS on my lap- this is a pleasure for both me and DH. I love it and find it comforting as much as he does. But, obviously not everyone would find it so!

[melodymatters]

I spent every weekend with my beloved grandparents. They lived on a street that was primarily Catholic Italian/Irish.

 

Those people PUMPED out the kids, and those kids never wanted for anything, BUT, Mom and Dad were the kings and queens of the castle.

 

The "O'malley's" had ten kids and every single one of them is a healthy, productive citizen.

 

The more yuppie parents who have two children and treat them like the second coming, well those are the kids on heroin, who hate their parents. ( generalization, obviously)

 

I think it means putting your marital relationship ABOVE your respective families, above your work, friends and hobbies, and yes, your children.

 

A strong loving relationship between mom and dad is the best gift you can give your children.

 

If you read most marital problem threads, it's often boils down to people who are NOT prioritizing their marriage : It's themselves, their career, their kids, what their relatives think etc.

 

BUT, you both need to be on the same page with this. I had a friend who married a man with 2 children from a prior marriage and he TOLD my friend she would always be third. I think this is insane, both to say and to accept.

[Nyla]

I can remember my parents going away to the Bahamas sometime in the eighties. I asked my mother if I could come along and she said one of the wisest things I have ever heard about keeping romance in a marriage after having children.

 

"No, you can't come. Mommy and Daddy need time together alone, so that they can be a couple instead of Mommy and Daddy all the time. We are your parents, but we are also people who love each other."

 

We won't be having children, so this will not be an issue in our marriage. I put my husband first when I ask for his opinion and respect it.

I also refuse to answer personal questions about our marriage from people who do not need to know. If it is a choice between going out with friends or cooking dinner for my husband, I will always choose to go home. My husband is my primary relationship and being childfree gives us time together that married parents can only get a bit of when they sneak away without the kids.

Edited January 3, 2013 by Nyla