Do I really have to choose between my bf and Mom, the two people I love most???

[t866]

My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years, we have had our share of bad times and have managed to work through them. I always make the mistake of calling my mother when my bf and I are fighting and telling her about what he did and why we are fighting. I have done this so many times, now my mother hates my bf. Recently him and I got into a fight over something I thought was very un-called for and I went over to my mom's house and bad mouthed my bf. She told me that I need to move my things out of our apartment and never talk to him again. She has told me that she will never accept him in her life and that the relationship between her and I has been strained because of him. I love my mother to death and I feel like I have to choose between my bf and my mother the two people I love most in my life. He has done some pretty bad things, but I do believe that people change. I'm so scared that if I stay with my bf that my mother will not be there for me anymore and that would just kill me.

 

I regret ever calling my mother when him and I are fighting and telling her all the bad things. There is nothing I can do to change her mind. I love him so much and I want him to be apart of my life, but is it worth it to loose my mom? Would she really dis-own me over a man. I'm so confused, depressed and I have no idea what to do. I went over to my mom's yesterday and we had a long conversation she has told me over and over again that she will never accept him and she doesn't know why I stay with him after all the bad things that have happened. I want to be with him so bad, but I do want things to change. I'm a very head-strong person and wold never keep myself in a bad relationship. My life has been turned upside down by the two people I love most. The most important thing to me is having a bf that my family get's a long with and I don't know how to make this happen. My mom always tells me tha I "cry wolf" because I call her and tell her that I'm going to leave him and we always get back together. I just feel like I can never make this right and no matter what I'm going to loose someone I love so much.

[morrigan]

You didn't say what has caused all the problems between you and your bf, but most women's mothers are going to be concerned about the way their daughters are being treated. It's understandable that she doesn't like your bf if you have told her first hand about your arguments with him. I will say that if there is any kind of abuse going on between your boyfriend and yourself, I don't blame your mother for feeling this way (I don't know if this has any part in the current situation or not.) I can't imagine a mother disliking her daughter's bf over trivial things, like arguments about who was supposed to take out the trash or cook dinner. Did they ever get along in the past four years?

 

I don't think your mom is going to disown or ostracize you, but your relationship is going to continue to suffer, especially if you ever end up marrying this guy or having children with him. I would also say to look into what is going on in your relationship with your bf--you say that you love him, but you want things to change. To be honest with you, after four years, if two still are in arguments over the same causes, things have not changed, and they probably will not.

 

If you plan on staying with your bf, stop confiding in your Mom about your arguments with him. Is there any way your bf could make amends with your mother, or do they have any contact at all? Ask both of them to at the least attempt to get along when they see eachother.

[the_opposite_sex]

whenever my b/f and I have an argument/fight, i seldomly tell my mom or step dad about it. For one, it's not ENTIRELY their business on what goes on w/ my b/f and I 24/7, unless it's something important. And two, I don't wanna be in the situation that your in lol *sorry to put it that way*, but i dont want my mother or step father to view my b/f as a bad person b/c he's FAR from that! Don't get me wrong, i've mentioned things to my parents before about arguments b/w us, so my parents dont think we're this "perfect" couple who never argues.

 

S I agree w/ morrigan....stop confiding in your mom when you 2 have an issue w/ your guy. I'm very close to my mom, but there are some things that I want to be kept b/w my b/f and I, that are not necessary for her to know.

[t8661]

Thank-you so much for the advice. I still don't know if I do what's in my heart and be with this man and fear damaging my relationship with my Mother. Can people forgive and forget? I don't know if within time she will accept him once she see's proof of change. Can I wait for that? I keep going back and forth should I be with him or should I not?

The reason all of this has came up is that he was/is alcoholic he was sober for two and 1/2 years. Then one day out of the blue he decided to drink and said that he felt pressured, because all the guys at work always ask him to grab a beer after work. And finally he did, he is a very obnoxious drunk. Just very loud and dis-respectful. I can't handle that and I'm very much against alcohol especially if people can't control themselves. There was never any physical abuse, just I would always get mad cause he was acting stupid and embarrassing himself and me. My father was an alcoholic and my Mother had to deal with him, she finally got the strength and left. They divorced and my Father has been sober for over 13 years. He has a great life now, a new wife and had my two brothers.

So people do change, but how much can I take until he does change. I love him and want to support him. My Mom says that he only cares about himself and that I shouldn't have to be going through this over and over again. Which I understand. I do love him and see more then the drunk episodes every so often.

[t866]

I know he can change he did it for 2 1/2 years. I think that my Mom wants to see him change and she wants to see the change last. Not being sober for 2 1/2 years and then drink one time and regret it later. My Mom is a very strong woman and doesn't take anything form anyone.

Any advice would be great. My b/f is a great guy, he doesn't have a family to help him out or support him, he does everything on his own. I know he is a great guy, there is so much more to him then drinking one time and acting like a complete ass. I think we all have done that one time when we were drunk. I just don't give him any room for mistakes. My concern here is can my Mom ever accept,or do I have to live like this the rest of my life if I'm with my b/f

[morrigan]

Does your boyfriend go to AA or any kind of therapy for alcoholics? This isn't something he can deal with by himself. You can give him all of the support and love you have, but he still needs to seek out some professional assistance with his drinking problem. It's something he is going to have to deal with the rest of his life. Encourage him to get outside help. It's tough for someone to admit that they can't privately deal with their alcoholism--most alcoholics cannot wake up one morning and not to drink again. If he managed to stay clean for 2 1/2 years, he can try to stay sober again from now on.

 

Until your bf proves to her over a period of years that he is sober and responsible, I don't think your mother is going to give him a large benefit of the doubt. Maybe she seems to be overreacting about your boyfriend's recent drunkeness--you have to remember that she dealt with an alcoholic for years. Your father may have promised many times to quit, to get help, only to start drinking again. (I think it's great that your dad has remained sober and improved his life.) Your mom is worried, obviously because she sees your relationship with your boyfriend as a mirror to the problems she had with your alcoholic father. You can't blame her for her concern about your emotional and physical well being.

 

I would consider your boyfriend being a "obnoxious drunk" to be a big problem in your relationship--I would end the relationship now if he ever has verbally abused you, or if he ever physically abuses you. If your boyfriend continues to drink, I would not continue to be with him. If your boyfriend refuses to get additional help for his alcoholism, I don't know if there is anything you can do. I would like to hope that he will get help and try to stay sober.

[t866]

Thank-you morriagn!!! He never seeked professional help for his alcoholism. We both argue and say things that we shouldn't, nothing abusive. Just your standard cuss words. I know this isn't going to happen overnight, but my b/f seems to think so. He doesn't realize that this is going to take time, getting help is going to take time. At times he acts like nothing happened, like it wasn't a big deal the things he did. I try to explain to him that what he did completely hurt me and I don't want it to happen again. We talk about and we get through it and for a while it makes our relationship stronger, like we could get through anything. Then it happened again and now I'm just drained and tired of hoping things are going to get better, when they seem like they're not. Believe me he is a great guy, but the one thing I hate most (alcohol) is the hardest thing for my man to kick. I don't know why I don't just drop this guy and never worry about him again. But something about me can't let that happen. We've been through a lot together, in the begining our relationship was real immature. Then we grew up, or at least I thought we did. I did, he hasn't! I'm at a point in my life where I want to grow up and learn things and have positive things in my life. I shouldn't have to worry about a grown man. This is my first major relationship, and we have been together 4 years. Am I confusing love with feeling sorry for him. I feel both!!! I love doing things for my man, and vice-versa. There are so many reasons why I love this man and only one to break us up forever...