Is it normal to feel like this during my engagement?

[Ketlanee]

I've been unease for a long while and don't know why. It's not him. He is a great guy but it's like as the days are passing, I'm freaking out. Again, I don't know why.

 

At times I even question the reason I said yes. I know I said yes because I love him but if so why I'm I suddenly having second thoughts. Thing is, when he proposed for some reason I felt nervous and not too excited. I took me almost a minute to say yes. Or is it like this when you're engaged but you quickly get used to it and become excited?

 

Everyone in the family is happy for us but when they all talk about it, I just feel like taking a walk and get out of house for a while. Once again it's not him. I know he's the right man but don't know what's making me freak out. It's like I were having lots of complicated assignments that I have no answers to and had to turn them in 2 days. That's how I'm feeling now. I don't know what's wrong with me???

[CarrieT]

How old are the two of you?

 

How long have you known each other?

 

How long have you been engaged?

[Ketlanee]

How old are the two of you?

I'm 24 and he's 26.

long have you known each other?

19 months

 

How long have you been engaged?

About 5 months ago

[Ketlanee]

Another thing, it's like he's always been about 2 steps ahead of me. At times I feel this is going too fast but I love him.

 

Do you think this feeling will go away and can it be me that's just nervous???

[MissBee]

Another thing, it's like he's always been about 2 steps ahead of me. At times I feel this is going too fast but I love him.

 

Do you think this feeling will go away and can it be me that's just nervous???

 

Girlll,

 

Take it from me. Listen to yourself. I've felt exactly as you have before. That a situation was going too fast and I just convinced myself into it instead of saying, no, it's too fast. I remember my boyfriend at the time declared he loved me after about 1 month and while I liked him a lot, I felt it was too soon and we still needed to know each other more, but I felt backed into a corner like...he's so sweet, I like him, so why not say it back, so I did. He then tried to discuss marriage sometime shortly after and I also thought it was premature. I did put my foot down about that one though thankfully. Things didn't work out between us and I'm grateful and truth is, I was never 100% comfortable with the pace and what was happening. I felt like I should have been and realized lot of what I did was rationalize and talk myself into feeling a certain way versus because I genuinely felt that way. You seem to be doing that here. You know how you feel and you seem to be trying to talk yourself out of it and brush those feelings aside. They don't seem like normal jitters but seem to be something you've always felt.

 

I think we get into more trouble from talking ourselves out of our gut reactions than anything else. If you feel he's always ahead of you, it's too fast, and you're hesitant and nervous rather than excited....take heed! Think of it this way: wrongfully deciding to marry him and going through with it will only make things WORSE! Canceling a wedding that has been paid for, or running away at the aisle, or divorcing is faaaar worse than slowing things down in the early part of the engagement and figuring out why you feel as you do.

Edited January 2, 2013 by MissBee

[CarrieT]

I think you are too young and are rushing things. You both are going to go through a LOT of changes in your outlook and life philosophy in the next five years. Trust this from one who married young and learned later that it is better to wait!

[Ketlanee]

If you feel he's always ahead of you, it's too fast, and you're hesitant and nervous rather than excited....take heed! Think of it this way: wrongfully deciding to marry him and going through with it will only make things WORSE! Canceling a wedding that has been paid for, or running away at the aisle, or divorcing is faaaar worse than slowing things down in the early part of the engagement and figuring out why you feel as you do.

The more I'm thinking about it, the more I'm blaming myself for not stopping him the very first time he brought up the topic about marriage or postpone his proposal even though I'm not sure when I want to marry him. The date is set up for mid June but don't think I'll be ready by then.

 

Is there a nice and less painful way to postpone or decline it if I have to? It's still going to hurt him either way and I'm probably gonna lose him.

[MissBee]

The more I'm thinking about it, the more I'm blaming myself for not stopping him the very first time he brought up the topic about marriage or postpone his proposal even though I'm not sure when I want to marry him. The date is set up for mid June but don't think I'll be ready by then.

 

Is there a nice and less painful way to postpone or decline it if I have to? It's still going to hurt him either way and I'm probably gonna lose him.

 

It's going to hurt no matter what...but this will be a lot less hurtful if you do it now versus you wait closer and closer to the time. Like how would you even plan a wedding with all these doubts? It shouldn't be like that. But a "nice" way is to suggest a longer engagement maybe.

 

Rushing into a marriage to save face or to not hurt someone's feelings is the worst idea you could have. I think he will respect you a lot more if you discuss waiting and postponing things versus if you do marry him then one day say "Eff it all! I never wanted to marry you anywaaay!"

 

Marriage shouldn't be taken lightly. You don't seem that gungho about this situation and if I wasn't I wouldn't be agreeing to marry. When I marry I'd ideally like for it to be once OR if it does end, I don't want it to be a case of "I should've known" or "You know...I always had doubts." Because then you can't blame anyone but yourself for making such a huge decision against your better judgment.

[Lauriebell82]

The more I'm thinking about it, the more I'm blaming myself for not stopping him the very first time he brought up the topic about marriage or postpone his proposal even though I'm not sure when I want to marry him. The date is set up for mid June but don't think I'll be ready by then.

 

Is there a nice and less painful way to postpone or decline it if I have to? It's still going to hurt him either way and I'm probably gonna lose him.

 

It doesn't sound like you really want this. It's 6 months away, I think you need to make a decision very soon, because the closer you get to the wedding, the harder it will be and the more excuses you will make for NOT ending it (the hall is already booked, vendors are paid, ect).

 

I was ecstatic when my husband proposed. I stared at my ring constantly. I was so excited for our wedding, I was counting the days! That's how it should be.

 

As hard as it will be for both of you, I think you need to break this off. That's better then you both being sorry later.

[Ketlanee]

Thanks for the replies. I decided to postpone it but he's upset that I didn't mention this from the beginning. I knew he wasn't going to take this well and right now he's been quiet for hours.

 

Will he come around? I didn't mean to hurt him. I do love him and eventually want him in my life one day but I'm not at this point yet.

Edited January 6, 2013 by Ketlanee

[MissBee]

Thanks for the replies. I decided to postpone it but he's upset that I didn't mention this from the beginning. I knew he wasn't going to take this well and right now he's been quiet for hours.

 

Will he come around? I didn't mean to hurt him. I do love him and eventually want him in my life one day but I'm not at this point yet.

 

He might come around. Give it time.

 

But the most important thing is being truthful and not making a mistake that is far worse to undo the more time passes.

 

I don't know what the future holds for you two, you guys may work it out and marry and be happy. But it's also possible, and it's okay , if over time one or both of you realize this isn't "it" for you guys. It's always hurtful and disappointing when it comes to that, but in the end, if it's not meant to be, it's just not, and everyone's better off knowing this than locking yourself into a marriage prematurely.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think he's in love with you...

 

However, I don't think you are in love with him, and eventually will likely let this guy go unless you convince yourself to just move forward.

 

You'd have jumped up and said "Yes" in a heartbeat and would've been ecstatic, you know by 19 months how you feel for this guy.

[Minka333]

I think deep inside you would know if you want to be with someone for the long haul. You said he is a great man, but is there something lacking in your relationship? Are you unhappy somewhere?

 

When i got engaged to my ex-fiance, the wedding felt like it was a countdown to my own funeral. Everybody was happy and excited except me. I never had the desire to participate in all the wedding arrangements. My ex-fiance was the one excited. I tried to act happy but i was miserable. The thing is we had many unresolved issues that we tried to cover up.

 

I tried to please everybody but i cannot keep the charade any longer. I called it off. And i don't ever regret my decision. We are both happier now with other people.

 

If you feel any doubt in your heart, ask yourself what is missing. Do not force yourself on something you are half-hearted about coz' you won't be happy in the end. You need some time to gauge what you really want.

[JasonRules]

I think you should return the ring and break up with him. It's pretty obvious from your tone that you aren't in love with him.

 

You keep saying "he's a great guy" ad nasuem almost as though you're trying to convince yourself.

 

Someone who is in love, never questions their love or desire to be with someone. It's pretty simple...

[Ketlanee]

We just broke up last month, well he did and told me how he didn't want to wait longer if I was unsured and was only going to do for him. Our relationship didn't recover ever since I postponed it and told him the truth how I wasn't feeling ready but would still married him at a later time.

 

I feel bad. I didn't broke off the engagement; only postponed it but he didn't took it well.

[Ketlanee]

I think you should return the ring and break up with him. It's pretty obvious from your tone that you aren't in love with him.

 

You keep saying "he's a great guy" ad nasuem almost as though you're trying to convince yourself.

 

Someone who is in love, never questions their love or desire to be with someone. It's pretty simple...

Maybe I wasn't ready to marry him and only said yes because I thought all these feelings of uncertainly and nervousness would go away but I just didn't want to hurt him either. Though I did loved him but just didn't feel excited about the engagement.

[Ketlanee]

When i got engaged to my ex-fiance, the wedding felt like it was a countdown to my own funeral. Everybody was happy and excited except me. I never had the desire to participate in all the wedding arrangements. My ex-fiance was the one excited. I tried to act happy but i was miserable. The thing is we had many unresolved issues that we tried to cover up.

 

I tried to please everybody but i cannot keep the charade any longer. I called it off. And i don't ever regret my decision. We are both happier now with other people.

That's exactly how I've been feeling the whole time. Anyway we've broken up last month. He couldn't handle it anymore.

[RiverRunning]

Check out "The Conscious Bride." Seriously. It addresses many of the concerns women have about men and getting married. A lot of men do the deep soul-searching and the "Is she the one?" before the engagement. Women may be blindsided by the engagement, or they may have waited so long they just didn't see it coming - and they come to 'accept' the engagement afterward.

 

The first several months of my engagement were daunting. I'm a bit of an anxious personality to begin with, but I remember asking myself, "Is he the right guy? Am I sure about this?" Dealing in absolutes doesn't work for anybody. Realistically, there are tons of other guys I could have married and it would have worked out. But I made a choice, the guy is pretty darn good and I'm pretty darn happy.

 

Women can freak out for a variety of reasons - the expectations behind 'wife' can be confusing. "Am I expected to stay home all day?" "What can I do?" Totally normal. And not necessarily a reason to break off an engagement.

 

I've known plenty of women who freaked out and ran as soon as they had any inkling it wasn't perfect. And they still regret it.