OhDear66 Posted January 2, 2013 Share Posted January 2, 2013 Hi, after posting a comment on my own thread, i asked a question and now felt the need to share it further for a general opinion! Here goes! On the topic of OW/OM the majority of threads on this seem to be a case of the OW/OM in hand wondering if and how they can make it work with the MW/MM. But has anybody actually seen or heard of the MW/MM actually leaving their spouse for the OW/OM and it actually all worked out pretty well? Without deception of who the OW/OM truly is compared to what they were thought to be, or without the 'love' just being based around the excitement of wanting what you cant have or the excitement of the affair that then disappears when the 'freedom' is present. Just a general question really to see what you all think. Thanks! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Yes it has happened but on LS there aren't a ton of those stories. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 My affair turned in to a regular relationship and was none the worse for it. It was much nicer to never have to have serious discussions about 'stuff'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Before I became a MOW, I had really only had one experience with affairs/divorce. surprisingly all our friends are still solidly married & growing up there was just 1 friend whose parents got divorced & it was a scandalous topic of gossip even among us kids (11yo then) Her parents built a house in the neighborhood and her mom became BFF with "Jane" the agent who showed the model homes. Then we found out Jane had also been sleeping with her husband! They divorced pretty quickly despite just building a house & 3 young kids at home. He moved into an apartment and continued his relationship with Jane. They married about a year later (I was there & felt kinda bad for her mom still) BUT I just happened to run into one if the daughters recently and it turns out they are still together 25 years later, happy as can be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I think it can happen, and it does, but it typically doesn't seem to. I've personally never seen anyone's MM or MW leave their spouse for the other person, but I've seen them left and turn to the AP...My father was married three times and all three of his spouses were his former mistresses. So, yeah, it can work -- if you consider constant cheating and divorce a successful end result. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhDear66 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 Before I became a MOW, I had really only had one experience with affairs/divorce. surprisingly all our friends are still solidly married & growing up there was just 1 friend whose parents got divorced & it was a scandalous topic of gossip even among us kids (11yo then) Her parents built a house in the neighborhood and her mom became BFF with "Jane" the agent who showed the model homes. Then we found out Jane had also been sleeping with her husband! They divorced pretty quickly despite just building a house & 3 young kids at home. He moved into an apartment and continued his relationship with Jane. They married about a year later (I was there & felt kinda bad for her mom still) BUT I just happened to run into one if the daughters recently and it turns out they are still together 25 years later, happy as can be. thats crazy! and a tough one to decide if you feel happy for them lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhDear66 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 I think it can happen, and it does, but it typically doesn't seem to. I've personally never seen anyone's MM or MW leave their spouse for the other person, but I've seen them left and turn to the AP...My father was married three times and all three of his spouses were his former mistresses. So, yeah, it can work -- if you consider constant cheating and divorce a successful end result. jeez, what was the reasons behind the failed marriages? if you don't mind my asking Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 ^^ He's a serial cheater. Eventually they got sick of the fact that he'd never change and left him. He married my mother after leaving his fiancée to be with her, and then left her for his second wife after knowing her for two weeks and left her after a year long affair with his third (and last) wife. It's kind of disgusting really, but it's the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhDear66 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 I like your honesty but i guess you could look at that as quite a unique case huh! And most definitely not a success story lol. Although, for yourself to look at it, i guess the upside is his behaviour did lead to your birth Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 ^^ He's my father and I love him, but I don't respect him. It is unique, but there is that stereotype "once a cheater always a cheater" so maybe not that unique...He's not a bad man, just not a very good one either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 My father cheated on my mother many years ago with her friend. They have been married for over 30 years and are still happy. Believe it or not all 3 of them get along very well. It's really a different outcome then most BS/WS/OW stories. Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain34 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Depends on how you define "success". I'm sure many end up together, but it doesn't last due to all the problems coming into the relationship to begin with such as mistrust, hurt children, angry BS, judgement from society, etc. I've read somewhere there's a 1% success rate. My dad also left my mom for his mistress when I was around 4 years old and 17 years later, the mistress he married left him for another man. I guess that's karma for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhDear66 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 Depends on how you define "success". I'm sure many end up together, but it doesn't last due to all the problems coming into the relationship to begin with such as mistrust, hurt children, angry BS, judgement from society, etc. I've read somewhere there's a 1% success rate. My dad also left my mom for his mistress when I was around 4 years old and 17 years later, the mistress he married left him for another man. I guess that's karma for you. Appropriate timing i think for the famous line... ''Don't leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you for the one they love'' Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhDear66 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 ^^ He's my father and I love him, but I don't respect him. It is unique, but there is that stereotype "once a cheater always a cheater" so maybe not that unique...He's not a bad man, just not a very good one either. No i'm sure he's not a bad man, just not a good partner. So do you believe in that 'once a cheater' stereotype? Probably a wholeeee new debate there but i do wonder if people can just happen to stray just the once Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhDear66 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 My father cheated on my mother many years ago with her friend. They have been married for over 30 years and are still happy. Believe it or not all 3 of them get along very well. It's really a different outcome then most BS/WS/OW stories. Again it sucks that it took your mother being cheated on to get there, but does make a nice change to see that it can work. But yes it does seem to be quite a minority of cases that actually turn out somewhat 'ok' Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I know of one. He left his wife to be with my friend. THey are married and 12 years later seem very very happy indeed. But in that case his marriage was dead on it's feet (assuming my friend's description of it was totally accurate....) and he left it very soon after meeing his new woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 But has anybody actually seen or heard of the MW/MM actually leaving their spouse for the OW/OM and it actually all worked out pretty well? Without deception of who the OW/OM truly is compared to what they were thought to be, or without the 'love' just being based around the excitement of wanting what you cant have or the excitement of the affair that then disappears when the 'freedom' is present. I've seen it up close. My partner left his BW five years ago so that we could be together and we've been blissfully happy since. TBH I don't know of a single person who relished the "excitement" or "wanting what they couldn't have" while in an A. I think that's another myth tossed around here to convince the MP that it would be a mistake to leave the M. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhDear66 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 I've seen it up close. My partner left his BW five years ago so that we could be together and we've been blissfully happy since. TBH I don't know of a single person who relished the "excitement" or "wanting what they couldn't have" while in an A. I think that's another myth tossed around here to convince the MP that it would be a mistake to leave the M. oh really? thats great! did your partner literally come straight out of the marriage and straight in to your relationship too? Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I was a MOW and he was a MOM when we started in the affair. We are now both divorced and just spent a lovely holiday with his kids. We are getting married this year as well. I can say that I love him as much as I did the first day I fell in love with him and we have been together for less than a decade, but going strong. He truly makes me light up whenever I see him. We are just really good. I am not sure how one measures "success" of a relationship, longevity, satisfaction, wealth accrual ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhDear66 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 OK, I admit is is shocking and perhaps I should not have posted that. But, I hope you think about what is going on with your MOW. Sorry, if I ruined your day. Of course i think about it lol...hence putting that thread on here, and is all very new to me (fish out of water stuff) im quite the stranger to finding myself in this sort of situation. As i say i welcomed everything else you said. But anyways nothing ruined, its cool Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Pierre man,, the OP wanted to know if anyone had a success story, not for the betrayed ones to start a bash fest.. Sheeshhh...the fact that someone has to tell you that is amazing. Give it a break. OP, I agree with with most of the posters here...the success rate is very low, but along with everything else about us humans, there are exceptions. Also, you would probably get a friendlier reception if you posted this in the OM/OW forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 I have read a true exit affair is about 3 out of 100. Not great odds. They are characterized by action and often precipitated by a truly, dead-in-the-water marriage. I know of two IRL. The parties were not in secret for long; friends and family were informed pretty quickly and and welcoming of the new partner, divorce proceedings begun and then proceed quickly. No one is all that surprised, or stunned. Usually friends and family saw it coming for a long time, and when it finally did happen, most were happy for both the new couple and the old as they were so mismatched. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhDear66 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Share Posted January 3, 2013 Pierre man,, the OP wanted to know if anyone had a success story, not for the betrayed ones to start a bash fest.. Sheeshhh...the fact that someone has to tell you that is amazing. Give it a break. OP, I agree with with most of the posters here...the success rate is very low, but along with everything else about us humans, there are exceptions. Also, you would probably get a friendlier reception if you posted this in the OM/OW forum. Firstly, well said! And yeah that does seem to be the general opinion, pretty much rare...but never say never. Also this is the OM/OW forum? or am i being stupid lol Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 (edited) Yes. There are success stories. But there are also a lot of failures. By most measures- the failure rate of relationships born in an affair situation are high. Because the problem is not usually the relationship - but the problem is with the cheater. Second marriages have higher rates of failure than first marriages. At the last census- the divorce rate for first marriages was about 40-42%. For second marriages, it was closer to 70%, and higher than that if children were involved. You need to consider how you will feel replacing her spouse. Remember- she is showing you how she treats commitment. You aren't better than her current spouse . You're just different. And you're showing weakness of character by considering this relationship, so that diminishes your success rate. Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed? | About Affairs Can Relationships That Start as Affairs Succeed...Revisited | About Affairs http://psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity Edited January 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 3, 2013 Share Posted January 3, 2013 Well, what is a success story? How is that defined? Is it successful because the AP's marry? Or stay together for X amount of time? What is the criteria for success? Without you stating it I have to guess - and I'll guess that you are asking how many A's end in a long term happy M between the AP's. Not many - a rare but possible occurrence. It's a moot point though as you are currently M to your W. Actually, that's an obstacle you can remedy by filing for D. Wouldn't that be logical first step? So... File for D. This, at least, makes the possibility of M to your AP more likely as YOU would be available for M. As it stands you are not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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