Do the success stories exist?

[Snowflower]

I would imagine there are many "success stories" (particularly long term re-marriages) that only appear to be a success because the former AP's remain married in order to save face.

 

I can't really agree with this even though I would like to as a fBW!

 

A little family drama some 40 years ago...my uncle left his first wife for a female colleague. He was in his late 20s and had been married less than 5 years. They had a young son together. Very shortly he left his wife for the OW, his father (my grandfather) died and he brought his new "girlfriend" to his father's funeral and accompanying family events. I was way too young to remember any of this but it was quite the family drama at the time.

 

My uncle did eventually marry the woman he left his wife for and they have been married for well over 3 decades, had 2 children (all grown now) together and seem to have had a successful marriage. I can't imagine that they stayed married all these years just to save face.

 

The first wife moved away and eventually remarried. The son from the first marriage is not close with his dad, so he is a cousin I don't know.

 

His siblings (my mom included) were dismayed for a long time by his behavior but eventually everyone accepted what had happened and his new wife. Time does heal most wounds it seems. I often wonder now if my mom was more forgiving of my H being unfaithful because her beloved brother had done the same thing but was still welcomed back into the family eventually.

[Got it]

I guess why is there such a reluctance to believe that there are some very happy remarriages that started as affairs?

 

Marriages and any relationships are all shades of grey with happiness levels varying, longevity, etc. at different levels. I am surprised to see such a reluctance to admit that there are some very happy affair based relationships. Why is that issue to believe? And maybe that is a thread jack in of itself and I apologize if it is.

 

In the dating world, you will start dating someone that you found out cheated on someone. I don't think that is uncommon at any age. Marriage may not be involved but they may have overlapped relationships, made some dumb young mistakes, however the classified it. And many people continue on their relationships and some may end up marrying that person. That is no different than affair to marriage either, I don't think.

 

Just like because someone stayed in a marriage/relationship that had cheating in it does not guarantee that either party will cheat again, that they can't be happy, that it can't be healthy.

 

One action does not guarantee all future actions. It is something to look out, to deep dive the whys, to deep dive one's coping mechanisms but there is no guarantee that each partnership will go one way or the other. What is a better determinate is how actually does each partner nourish the relationship on a daily basis.

 

And then ultimately human behavior is near impossible to predict beyond any certainty what one will do in the future, you have to hope for the best, trust your gut and know that either way you will be okay because that person does not define you. Your self worth, your self identity is not determined part and parcel from that person. So no matter what curve balls Life throws, you have the foundation, the skill sets to roll with it and heal. That is success. To know that you are the healthiest person you can be.

[OhDear66]

I can't really agree with this even though I would like to as a fBW!

 

A little family drama some 40 years ago...my uncle left his first wife for a female colleague. He was in his late 20s and had been married less than 5 years. They had a young son together. Very shortly he left his wife for the OW, his father (my grandfather) died and he brought his new "girlfriend" to his father's funeral and accompanying family events. I was way too young to remember any of this but it was quite the family drama at the time.

 

My uncle did eventually marry the woman he left his wife for and they have been married for well over 3 decades, had 2 children (all grown now) together and seem to have had a successful marriage. I can't imagine that they stayed married all these years just to save face.

 

The first wife moved away and eventually remarried. The son from the first marriage is not close with his dad, so he is a cousin I don't know.

 

His siblings (my mom included) were dismayed for a long time by his behavior but eventually everyone accepted what had happened and his new wife. Time does heal most wounds it seems. I often wonder now if my mom was more forgiving of my H being unfaithful because her beloved brother had done the same thing but was still welcomed back into the family eventually.

 

Great story thanks so i guess this would be one of the apparant '3%' that has been mentioned. Exactly the sort of story i was curious existed

[Decorative]

I guess why is there such a reluctance to believe that there are some very happy remarriages that started as affairs?

 

Marriages and any relationships are all shades of grey with happiness levels varying, longevity, etc. at different levels. I am surprised to see such a reluctance to admit that there are some very happy affair based relationships. Why is that issue to believe? And maybe that is a thread jack in of itself and I apologize if it is.

 

In the dating world, you will start dating someone that you found out cheated on someone. I don't think that is uncommon at any age. Marriage may not be involved but they may have overlapped relationships, made some dumb young mistakes, however the classified it. And many people continue on their relationships and some may end up marrying that person. That is no different than affair to marriage either, I don't think.

 

Just like because someone stayed in a marriage/relationship that had cheating in it does not guarantee that either party will cheat again, that they can't be happy, that it can't be healthy.

 

One action does not guarantee all future actions. It is something to look out, to deep dive the whys, to deep dive one's coping mechanisms but there is no guarantee that each partnership will go one way or the other. What is a better determinate is how actually does each partner nourish the relationship on a daily basis.

 

And then ultimately human behavior is near impossible to predict beyond any certainty what one will do in the future, you have to hope for the best, trust your gut and know that either way you will be okay because that person does not define you. Your self worth, your self identity is not determined part and parcel from that person. So no matter what curve balls Life throws, you have the foundation, the skill sets to roll with it and heal. That is success. To know that you are the healthiest person you can be.

 

I am not reluctant to believe they exist.

 

I believe they do.

 

I just believe they are quite rare.

 

I think you'll find that is at the heart of what most people in this thread are saying. No one is saying never- but most are saying it's a rare thing.

 

My personal experience with marriages that started as affairs isn't good. My SIL/BIL are the example I think of most frequently, and they absolutely belong in the category of sticking together for appearances category. He continues to cheat and occasionally get fired for it, and she's a drunk with a penchant for leaving long,ugly voicemails. LOL

[Decorative]

Remaining married for three decades doesn't = success.

You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

 

One or both of them could have cheated at various times during these three decades or could be cheating as we speak. They could have had their very own Ddays, begging/pleading not to divorce, marriage counseling, etc.

 

The reality is - you'll never know.

 

One of my good friends- her FIL married his longterm mistress.

 

They were married 25 years, until his death.

 

On the surface- they looked happy. But they fought like cats and dogs and she was even missing part of a finger as a consequence from one particular drama fest.

 

So while outwardly- you saw the glamorous and always done up second wife, and the seemingly doting husband, and you imagined it to be a good thing- the inside story was quite different.

[OhDear66]

One of my good friends- her FIL married his longterm mistress.

 

They were married 25 years, until his death.

 

On the surface- they looked happy. But they fought like cats and dogs and she was even missing part of a finger as a consequence from one particular drama fest.

 

So while outwardly- you saw the glamorous and always done up second wife, and the seemingly doting husband, and you imagined it to be a good thing- the inside story was quite different.

 

See now this story takes me to what else i said in the OP.

 

There seems to be such a large number of these A's where after the MW/MM leaves for the AP either one of these people turn out to be (or become for various reasons) not the person who they thought they were. OR due to the nature of how these two people ended up together, they simply can't get past the issues that had arisen because of this affair i.e trust, security. So i do wonder what caused those two to have such an unhealthy marriage behind closed doors

[Decorative]

See now this story takes me to what else i said in the OP.

 

There seems to be such a large number of these A's where after the MW/MM leaves for the AP either one of these people turn out to be (or become for various reasons) not the person who they thought they were. OR due to the nature of how these two people ended up together, they simply can't get past the issues that had arisen because of this affair i.e trust, security. So i do wonder what caused those two to have such an unhealthy marriage behind closed doors

 

I think a former affair partner- no matter if they stay in original marriage or join new one- must work on themselves, because wherever you go, there you are. And most affairs are because there is something wrong with the cheater, not the marriage.

 

So the cheater has to answer that question- and do the work to fix it. Or else they end up repeating history.

[bentnotbroken]

I am not reluctant to believe they exist.

 

I believe they do.

 

I just believe they are quite rare.

 

I think you'll find that is at the heart of what most people in this thread are saying. No one is saying never- but most are saying it's a rare thing.

 

My personal experience with marriages that started as affairs isn't good. My SIL/BIL are the example I think of most frequently, and they absolutely belong in the category of sticking together for appearances category. He continues to cheat and occasionally get fired for it, and she's a drunk with a penchant for leaving long,ugly voicemails. LOL

 

 

I agree. I know they exist...I also know the amount of crap that goes along with them and I do not believe there are that many that are happy. I guess success is defined differently for people.

[tami-chan]

I was a MOW and my affair partner was MOM. He asked me to marry him while he was still married- I didn't give him an answer. He then divorced his wife and asked me to marry him a second time. I had to think long...very long and hard before saying yes.

 

We are married now..and still love each other. I think ours is a success story-only because the road to get where we are now was very bumpy mostly because of me.

[Got it]

I am not reluctant to believe they exist.

 

I believe they do.

 

I just believe they are quite rare.

 

I think you'll find that is at the heart of what most people in this thread are saying. No one is saying never- but most are saying it's a rare thing.

 

My personal experience with marriages that started as affairs isn't good. My SIL/BIL are the example I think of most frequently, and they absolutely belong in the category of sticking together for appearances category. He continues to cheat and occasionally get fired for it, and she's a drunk with a penchant for leaving long,ugly voicemails. LOL

 

 

I see this a lot. The cheating is not the primary issue here, the alcoholism is. I see that on all sides and I am sorry, I don't feel you can truly address the affairs when someone is an alcoholic. The alcoholism is the primary issue and until that is fully and truly addressed you are going to see other very poor coping mechanisms and physical/emotional manifestations tied to it.

 

So yes, I think the chances of a successful relationship in any fashion with an alcoholic is going to be very rare.

[Got it]

This is what I was trying to get at, but that post was deleted. In my opinion, there will always be a stain, so to speak, on that marriage. Both partners will know that the possibility of cheating exists and trust won't fully be there.

 

Therefore, I don't think, except in the rarest of circumstances, that affairs can end up successful.

 

By this line of logic then having one partner cheat, with you or on another means that the "stain" will always be there and very small chance of a successful relationship as "there will always be a stain, so to speak on that marriage. Both partners will know that the possibility of cheating exists and trust won't fully be there"?

 

Do you agree with this?

[Got it]

I think a former affair partner- no matter if they stay in original marriage or join new one- must work on themselves, because wherever you go, there you are. And most affairs are because there is something wrong with the cheater, not the marriage.

 

So the cheater has to answer that question- and do the work to fix it. Or else they end up repeating history.

 

I agree with this. I think we have to figure out what our "areas of opportunity" are and fix them. One can see, from past relationships, that they were codependent. If they don't address this they will continue to repeat it. Now can they be happy being codependent? Sure. For a while. Maybe a long while. But it usually isn't set up in a manner that the codependent individual feels like they are getting equal share.

 

The same is true for infidelity, for anger management, for whatever. If you do not look at the patterns from prior relationships, romantic and platonic, look at the common patterns in each, and address the why and the how, you are going to be doomed to repeat them or attempt to repeat them. How the other party reacts can influence things and increase or decrease the pattern. But the pattern remains and the desire to use that pattern is still there.

[Decorative]

I see this a lot. The cheating is not the primary issue here, the alcoholism is. I see that on all sides and I am sorry, I don't feel you can truly address the affairs when someone is an alcoholic. The alcoholism is the primary issue and until that is fully and truly addressed you are going to see other very poor coping mechanisms and physical/emotional manifestations tied to it.

 

So yes, I think the chances of a successful relationship in any fashion with an alcoholic is going to be very rare.

 

No, no.

 

The alcoholism developed after the continued affairs on the part of her MM/now spouse.

 

She started drinking after the first time he got fired for sexual harassment, which was 8 years into their marriage.

 

Which was his third affair, in their marriage/affairage. And it was after she was given a restraining order for harassing his ex-wife.

 

I agree that a marriage with an active alcoholic cannot be healthy.

 

But there's a straight line- it's her choice of coping tool to handle their relationship, which is rotten. But they both have rotten coping skills- he cheats to handle his issues. And she drinks. Poison all around.

Edited January 5, 2013 by Decorative

[Got it]

No I do not agree. It's a stain, for sure, but it's not built on someone else's expense.

 

What does that even mean?

 

Then your original line of logic does make any sense. We are talking behaviors, coping mechanisms, etc. "Stain" is mumbo jumbo nebulous talk that does actually explain anything based on facts and human behavior.

 

How does it negatively impact one relationship and not the other? Put the emotion to the side and just look at the logic of the argument. A plus B equals C. Not D or F or G.

[Summer Breeze]

This is what I was trying to get at, but that post was deleted. In my opinion, there will always be a stain, so to speak, on that marriage. Both partners will know that the possibility of cheating exists and trust won't fully be there.

 

Therefore, I don't think, except in the rarest of circumstances, that affairs can end up successful.

 

So I take it you think reconciled Ms, truly reconciled Ms, are a rarity as well? That trust won't fully be there in an M any more than in a R post A?

 

Someone else also mentioned that some As that might appear successful to the outside world probably aren't because we don't know what goes on behind their doors. Same thing. Does that mean we shouldn't assume all reconciled Ms are successful?

[Summer Breeze]

No I do not agree. It's a stain, for sure, but it's not built on someone else's expense.

 

Sorry. I didn't see that you and GotIt had already hit what I said.

 

In response to this. As far as I can see I'd think that a reconciled M is built on the expense of the BS. The WS should never have put their spouse in that position. Having been both a BS and an OW I had a whole lot more issues with trust concerning my husband, the man who promised me everything and delivered nothing but misery.

[Snowflower]

Remaining married for three decades doesn't = success.

You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

 

One or both of them could have cheated at various times during these three decades or could be cheating as we speak. They could have had their very own Ddays, begging/pleading not to divorce, marriage counseling, etc.

 

The reality is - you'll never know.

 

Sorry, it was a few days before I could get back to this!

 

But no one outside knows what goes on behind closed doors in any marriage, so what exactly is the point here?

 

I can't believe that a three decade marriage isn't in success by some terms. I'm not going to sit here and defend my family member's marriage. It is what it is. All I saw growing up was a normal family and my two cousins (children of the 2nd marriage) are happy, well-adjusted adults.

 

And BTW, the bolded part just described my marriage, post d-day and the marriages of so many other BS's, at least at first. So, thank you for letting me know that my marriage wasn't a success.

[Snowflower]

Perhaps time healed some wounds but what about the little boy from the first marriage? Sounds like he got cheated out of a relationship with his biological father. You says he's not close to his father which comes as no surprise. Wonder if time has healed his wounds?

 

A very good question and I honestly don't know. He lived with his mother, who remarried eventually. I know he and his father did remain in touch but the specifics, I don't know. I'm sure it was in some ways like any other divorce where the child spends more time with one parent and less with another and the impacts on each relationship.

[cocorico]

This is what I was trying to get at, but that post was deleted. In my opinion, there will always be a stain, so to speak, on that marriage. Both partners will know that the possibility of cheating exists and trust won't fully be there.

 

.

 

As someone happily and trustingly partnered to mr fAP, I would argue that this is a choice.

 

Anyone who has been involved with, affected by, or close enough to witness infidelity knows that "the possibility of cheating exists" - and that it exists in those we have no reason to suspect. If only those "likely" to cheat did, there would be very few BS around.

 

Being aware of the possibility of infidelity can make you paranoid, unable to trust, dooming your R. This can happen whether your R is with your fWS if you are a fBS, with your fAP if you are a fAP, or with your next partner whatever your role was. Seeing infidelity up close can lead some people to be unable to trust.

 

Or it can lead to making informed choices, based on an awareness of possibilities and a sensitivity to evidence that those not previously exposed to infidelity lack. Of course you are taking a risk, and you are calculating the odds based on your own individual weighting of what really matters to you, but every R involves risk and at least having your eyes open helps to minimise risks that may otherwise be easily overlooked.

 

I have never been a trusting person, and I have never been hurt in a R as a result. But I choose to trust my fAP, based on what I've seen over the years in different contexts, what I hear from those who have known him forever, and the accusations made against him and the source of those. I feel pretty confidant I know enough about who I am dealing with to know I can trust him.

 

And the other thing about living through an A is that you know about circumstances that can lead to a R becoming vulnerable, and can thus work hard to prioritise and protect your R. Of course that's no guarantee, there are no guarantees in life or Rs, but by minimising the risk you allow yourself space to love, to trust, and to enjoy.

 

That's my choice anyway. I prefer that by far to bitterness and paranoia.

[Got it]

I think the last line is gratuitous. No one chooses bitterness and paranoia when they have been hurt. Some people obviously weren't in that deep in the first place and get over it easier. I'd say its admirable if you 100% trusting and all-in for your spouse but that does make you blindsided if there is infidelity and that's likely to make you bitter and paranoid. And remember just because you're paranoid…doesn't mean youre wrong. I just think that line was mean.

 

As for the other paragraph - I would not want to be in an R that I had to constantly protect, prioritise, work on in order to prevent infidelity. That seems awfully like permanently policing it. OW seem to throw around that WS transparency (giving up passwords, phone records etc) is controlling. Well I think that having to put all else behind your R just to protect you R is the result of controlling behavior.

 

I don't put my marriage first when my kids are sick. I don't put my marriage first when I have exams (which is a good 3 months of the year for the next 2 years). My partner didn't put our marriage first when his parents were dying. We neglected each other by your standards. Because there were more important things at the time. Things that we both recognized needed attention from one or both of us. My dad cheated after a period of 2 years when my mother was nursing my dying brother. He felt "neglected". What a baby. TWO freaking years after 7 years of devotion. For the mortal illness of their own son. If your marriage can't stand some warranted neglect when other things that are important come up - then I'd rather not be in a relationship that needed such work. Sometimes the marriage should come first - I'm not condoning putting work, or golf, or partying or computer games, or healthy children whose needs are being met - ahead of your M. But the M should not need to be nursemaided. And I suspect that a lot of fAPs who end up with the xMP DO nursemaid it because they think that's their best chance at avoiding infidelity. If they just picked someone who hadn't cheated they wouldn't have to do that.

 

I don't agree and I think these two points point out why. Cheating while another spouse is focusing elsewhere is very common. So maybe nursemaiding is needed. Or maybe more people need it than they "should" but there you go.

 

But as every BS is aware, there is nothing that the BS could do to control the other person's decision to cheat and stop them from their intent. And most AP's are aware of that fact as it is very evident in the whole dynamics of the situation.

 

As a fAP that point was WELL driven home for me in this whole experience. There is nothing I can do to stop him from cheating if he so chooses to. No amount of transparency, vigilance, or accountability can I impose on him to make him want to be all of the above. The other person has to want it and has to do it on their own. And it is always their choice.

 

dMM is completely transparent. I have never asked him to be but through what he went through, learned, and desired, he wants to be completely transparent and so gives me far more information and access than I desire. I appreciate it and I reciprocate but I know that there is nothing I can do to stop him from cheating.

 

What I know is how I will feel and do if it happens. I know that if it happens, I will be okay. I know that I do not "need" him, I want him. I am in this because of my love for him but if he or I does something to damage that then I am fine alone. I enjoyed different pieces of being alone before so I know there are enjoyable things to go back to. I know that I have a fulfilling life that is not dependent on him. He is, and my belief for all romantic relationships, is the icing on my cake. He is not my cake. So I focus on what I can control. Me. So I have little anxiety with it.

 

What I have learned through all of this, is most people though their spouse was the last person to cheat. So we really have no idea what our SO is really thinking at all times. We are always just a little bit strangers no matter how much time in this life we spend together. We never truly/fully know another person. But that is okay. I go with what I have seen up to this point, I go with how loved I am on a daily basis, I trust in that. If something happens tomorrow to change that, I will reassess and change direction. Life is always throwing challenges and there is just no way to prepare to head them off. Not fully.

 

What I assume is most people have good intentions if not poor execution. I assume that as humans we are fallible. I assume that no matter what life throws at me I will muddle through it and be okay. Because I have muddled through up to this point and I have been okay. No, I have come out stronger, wiser, and more humble. So I assume the same for any future events. No one can take the core me away from me. No one has that power and I refuse to give it to them again. I did it in the past and I learned. I am more than the sum of the ills put upon me. I am a survivor, not a victim. And I make that conscious decision.

 

Above trusting someone else. I trust myself. And that is what I feel is safe to go on because I know no matter how much I hurt, no matter how dark it becomes, no matter how pointless things seem, there will be light again.

 

So I know for myself I don't nursemaid. I focus on other things and I ask that he does as well. Our lives are richer for these things. But prioritizing the relationship is very important. We make sure to actively show the other person that we love them every day. We work on filling up the other person's "love bank" and do the things that we know registers most with them.

 

Bottomline, I work hard to be the best person I can be, to hold myself to bar I feel I need to be, to give what I feel I should give. If that isn't appreciated and cherished than more the fool they are. My job is not to try and reason with foolishness.

[cocorico]

I think the last line is gratuitous. No one chooses bitterness and paranoia when they have been hurt. Some people obviously weren't in that deep in the first place and get over it easier. I'd say its admirable if you 100% trusting and all-in for your spouse but that does make you blindsided if there is infidelity and that's likely to make you bitter and paranoid. And remember just because you're paranoid…doesn't mean youre wrong. I just think that line was mean.

 

As for the other paragraph - I would not want to be in an R that I had to constantly protect, prioritise, work on in order to prevent infidelity. That seems awfully like permanently policing it. OW seem to throw around that WS transparency (giving up passwords, phone records etc) is controlling. Well I think that having to put all else behind your R just to protect you R is the result of controlling behavior.

 

I don't put my marriage first when my kids are sick. I don't put my marriage first when I have exams (which is a good 3 months of the year for the next 2 years). My partner didn't put our marriage first when his parents were dying. We neglected each other by your standards. Because there were more important things at the time. Things that we both recognized needed attention from one or both of us. My dad cheated after a period of 2 years when my mother was nursing my dying brother. He felt "neglected". What a baby. TWO freaking years after 7 years of devotion. For the mortal illness of their own son. If your marriage can't stand some warranted neglect when other things that are important come up - then I'd rather not be in a relationship that needed such work. Sometimes the marriage should come first - I'm not condoning putting work, or golf, or partying or computer games, or healthy children whose needs are being met - ahead of your M. But the M should not need to be nursemaided. And I suspect that a lot of fAPs who end up with the xMP DO nursemaid it because they think that's their best chance at avoiding infidelity. If they just picked someone who hadn't cheated they wouldn't have to do that.

 

I don't think it is gratuitous at all. There are fBS here who have recovered their Ms and made the conscious choice to embrace hope and trust, and others who have chosen not to do so. It remains a choice.

 

As for the prioritisation vs nursemaiding issue - I'm the last person to nursemaid anyone or anything. And the "controlling" you describe regarding password etc is also foreign to me. I do not police, control etc because I have chosen to trust. Those behaviours belong to others who choose not to trust.

 

Of course not all MPs warrant trust, and sometimes paranoia is well-founded, but it's about informed choice IMO and ignoring evidence either way is equally foolish to me. I would not choose to trust if all the evidence - every single shred of it - did not support my choice to do so. For those in a different position I would advice them to act on their own evidence, whichever way that points, but if you're in a R where you can't relax and trust, then what's the point? I refuse to be a parole officer in my R, nor a nursemaid nor social worker nor prison warder.

 

As for neglecting a R, that's your choice, but if it's not important enough to you to want to prioritise it, why are you there? We're together because we want to be, because every day we wake up and choose to be, because there really is nowhere else we'd rather be. And so it matters to us.

 

If my kids were sick, would I neglect my M? Of course not! Nor for studies nor work nor anything else. We've dealt with dying parents, ill and injured kids, big work issues, and other massive upheavals, and never felt a need to neglect the R. At all times we felt we were a team, supporting each other in facing challenges, and as a result our R was strengthened rather than neglected. But I guess it depends on whether you see your R as a drain on energy that should be diverted elsewhere (sick kids, exams) or a source of energy to help you deal with sick kids, exams, etc. my R is a pleasure to me, something I choose to invest in, not something I resent placing additional demands on me when I have kids or exams or other competing demands to attend to.

[Got it]

I don't resent it. But I give him a lot less attention at those times. I think my mother was perfectly justified to do that when my brother was dying. It was kinda more important than whether dad got his little wants met. He could have been on board with that like my partner is.

 

The key is not when it's a joy. They key is when one day inevitably you hit hard times. Don't judge fidelity when there's lurrrve, judge it under pressure.

 

MFH - when did either myself or cocorio not discuss when things are under pressure? I believe we both spoke to that.

 

Why are you being so combative? I think we all seem to be on the same page with this.

 

In regards to your dad and mom, that is a time that as partners they were equally invested and pulled together as a team over that very stressful time. The question is why did it not happen that way? Instead of coming together they fell apart. I am not assessing blame here, but just looking at how did each party address the stresses of a child in grave distress and what were the responding actions? Why did you father walk down that path? I do know that infidelity is common during these major life events? Why? I don't think some people have the coping skills to handle these things and offer comfort towards others. Your brother dying was outside of his control. He couldn't change it. And that might be where he made a turn.

 

I would suspect, as a total outsider, that he cheated not because he was getting less attention but I would suspect because he couldn't deal with his child dying. It brought up many emotions in him, he didn't address them with your mom, or felt that he couldn't address them, tried, whatever, and instead took a sharp 90 degree turn instead. Instead of pulling together, he pulled apart/away. Why? Fear?

 

It isn't about your mom not giving him attention. I think most know that is a very shallow superficial reason. There are more reasons under that on why he really cheated. This isn't saying your mom was at fault. It isn't about her. It is about him.

 

And that is where it ties back to what I posted about. In my relationship we focus on each other's love bank but if he starts deviating off our our path, I don't know what I don't know. So I am only accountable for my actions and decisions. I can't control someone else's.

 

I am sorry your dad cheated on your mom. My mom cheated on my dad. I was young and really the affair was the tip of the iceberg for them. Not a happy union. But I guess that is where I saw, that in some cases, the affair isn't the paramount issue. It can be one of just many things showing that some people just aren't meant to be together.

[cocorico]

I don't resent it. But I give him a lot less attention at those times.

 

From this, it seems you equate "prioritising the M" with "giving your H attention".

 

And yes, that would lead to resentment, if you viewed it like that. I'm sure he'd resent it too, if he knew he was being considered as "someone who needed attention" rather than a partner or an equal.

[cocorico]

The key is not when it's a joy. They key is when one day inevitably you hit hard times. Don't judge fidelity when there's lurrrve, judge it under pressure.

 

We've had hard times, as I said. We've had pressure.

 

But that does not mean there is no love (or lurrrve, whatever that is if it's different) even when there are hard times. Pressure and challenges bring us closer together, and deepen our love.

[Got it]

Right on!

 

And this is the part SO many just do - not - get while in an A.

 

What do you mean by "get"? Do you mean to understand or to receive?