dating habits of Americans

[kooky]

Hi everybody,

 

a little survey on dating habits of Americans. I´m not American and I dated an American guy

once. He broke up with me and later started dating someone for as he called "practical

reasons". She worked in a similar field as he did and she also was a more even-tempered

person (I´m quick-tempered...) so he thought they were a good match. He told Americans

can be very romantic (I guess he had been in love with me) or very rational. They date for

social reasons, companionship, sex, intimacy, etc. I thought what a bull****. Why spend my

time with someone I`m not really in love with? A friend of mine, also not American, told me

had dated a couple of American women and confirmed - Americans are like that... Especially

white American men consider if the woman goes to the same school, university, etc. He also

said, try to stay friends with him, don´t pressurize him. No bad blood. Americans don´t like

that.

 

Would you also say that there´s a difference between East and West coast? He´s from LA

and I´m getting the impression that he´s a playboy, I´m not sure how these two things

relate, but I´m open for new insights.

 

And let me ask this, it seems Americans really take this dating thing serious, don´t they?

I mean, you are supposed to date otherwise you look like, well, weird? And it also seems

that dating isn´t to be taken very serious? People go out together, check out, if they are

compatible or not and that´s it.

 

Thanks for your answers!

[Touch of Innocence]

I think that most of the things you put on your post are just stereotypes. Everyone is different and at least when it comes to dating we are not that bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that Americans are a bit more care-free when it comes to dating, but that's because dating is about that, you get to know the person and see if you are compatible or not, if not then you move on or remain friends. That's what's so beautiful about dating

 

I'm pretty sure that where you are from they also have people who cheat and do all of the things you posted above.

 

Sorry that you had to deal with a bad apple.

[amerikajin]

As someone who's a Yankee, and having lived among people from other cultures, I've concluded that we're not that much different from other Western cultures when it comes to dating. I know couples from all over the place and they, like us, get together for a variety of reasons. Some for the shag; others for an occasional movie or date; and others for something more permanent.

 

I do think that we might be slightly more transient with our romance than other cultures; but I think that just like everyone else, once we find someone we love, we stay with them as long as we can stand it.

[honey2005]

think that most of the things you put on your post are just stereotypes.

 

I agree, everyone is different and they date people for different reasons, like the other two posters have said.

 

I mean, you are supposed to date otherwise you look like, well, weird?

 

If you don't feel like dating, you don't have to. I don't think many people judge you as being weird just because you feel like being alone for awhile.

[LolaLopez]

Yeah, it seems like the guy you met is just not that romantic and he can shut off his feelings. Maybe he is still immature. It's not that he's American. There are some really romantic Americans and I think you should look for an artist or a writer. Less logical people who have this whole life plan laid out.

 

I think other cultures can be more crazy tempered in romance...like in a good way that makes the romance fun and exciting. I'm like that. I think that is one thing sort of true about your post.

[kooky]

Before anyone gets angry, I´m not saying that Americans are shallow. I´m just asking

and that was not me who put up all these stereotypes, but him. As we are talking about

them, let´s check out another stereotype, in highschool, is it true that people tend to be

classified into groups, like there´s the cool cheerleader, there´s the nerd, there´s the

football player who is dating the cool cheerleader? This is the picture that American movies

depict of American highschools where finding a date for highschool prom is a real big

issue for every student. I`m not saying that it´s so, it´s the image that those movies

convey. AND let´s not forget, I´m quite sure that every nation has its own charakter. Not

everybody has to be like that but often you can discover a general tendency to certain

ways of behaving or thinking. Society shapes you, by telling you what is acceptable and

what is not, if everybody does it, you will be inclined to do it, too.

 

And if you think there are no differences and we are all human then just take a look at

politics. An overwhelming majority of Americans supported Bush to go to war. I live in

Europe and most people here were against it. There are differences.

 

Maybe I shouldn´t ask if Americans in general do this, but how about you, your friends or

people you know? Are you or anyone of them dating for practical reasons without real

romance?

 

He probably didn´t really cheat on me, because we were not dating anymore, but yes, it felt

like cheating.

[LolaLopez]

I think that, yes, in high school we do get into groups. Some people are more into that than others though. The majority of people are just normal teenagers getting by. The movie The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles is a good one about that issue. Other movies just distort it, though, and make it seem more dramatic that it is, or they are comedies and they are joking about it, so please remember these are only movies. You may want to look for some documentaries about it, that show real people not characters. I have seen some good ones.

 

I think my experience dating white men has been less exciting and less romantic than dating Latino men or Europeans. But one white man I dated was a poet and he used to be very romantic and write me steaming love notes. I will never forget him, he was amazing.

 

About Bush, where I live (texas [color=orange] [/color]) there are LOTS of people who do not support the way he won the election or the way he went to war. I do not even know one person who is in full support of him or who is going to vote for him.

 

Well, except my sister. You have to realize that lots of people do not have access to unbiased information, they do not understand that our news stations are biased and do not report fully. People really think we went to war for retribution for the trade center attack, and they do not understand how these two things are not related. They do not fully know what is happening and they want to trust their government. We never see even pictures of war on the news, really, not the real stuff anyway. You have to look for it on theinternet.

 

There are also lots of protests against the war and for peace. I know many many people who wish we were not in Iraq at all. But most people I know are just wondering what we are doing now. Many people in other countries get the wrong image of Americans. Remember that Bush did not win the popular vote, and I am sure he will not win it this time around either. Even so, he could still be elected president.

 

I really think that you should get your info from somewhere other than movies. I'm not being rude, but you should really do more real research. And, by the way, what country do YOU live in?

[amerikajin]

Before anyone gets angry, I´m not saying that Americans are shallow.

 

WHY YOU MOTHER F---

 

Ahem. Just kidding.

 

Anyway, I agree that there are indeed some differences from culture to culture. Some more than others.

 

I think that in Western culture (Europe, the Americas, Australia/NZ), there is the ideal of romantic love.

 

There is also the reality of modern day break-ups and divorce. It's a creeping social ill that's spreading like a disease in every "modern" country like the U.S., Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Germany, France and elsewhere.

 

I would guess that the problem is most pronounced in the U.S. because I think it's undergoing dizzying social changes that it has not properly addressed. But it's not like other countries aren't going through the same thing, and I think that the idea of the modern romantic relationship is being re-evaluated everywhere.

 

Even in Eastern Asian cultures like Japan, Korea and China, we see the beginning of some of the same patterns. Here in Japan, divorce was once unthinkable; but while more than 80 percent of marriages last 'til death, the number of divorces is on the rise. I think the same is true in Korea, and in time, it will be true for China as well as it continues to open itself up to the world.

 

All of this filters down to even less serious relationships, short of marriage. I think the same social trends apply: people in more modernized or developing countries are having to balance social commitment with financial commitment; women are more liberated and no longer have to deal with the social stigma of divorce; women are also more and more capable of competing in the workforce, which means they are more likely to put off marriage and children; they are also capable of surviving on their own if they do get divorced; globalization means a more mobile society. All of these social changes (not to mention the way we are conditioned by the modern mass media) are impacting the way we come to appreciate romance and relationships in our lives.

[tokyo]

I really think that you should get your info from somewhere other than movies. I'm not being rude, but you should really do more real research. And, by the way, what country do YOU live in?

 

Talking about research and movies, movies are part of the culture and to some extent reflect what is popular or considered to be important. So, what we see is a lot of American movies dealing with highschool proms, blonde and mean cheerleaders, etc. Now, look at German films - if you have watched this Lola-movie, maybe you know more - I can´t really name any that deals with the problem of finding a date for highschool prom.

 

That´s one point, the second point is, my friend had confirmed that his highschool experience was like that when I asked about him it. I´m absolutely aware that there are a lot of cliches in movies, so I asked him and that´s what he told me.

 

And concerning real research, I did an internship in California for half a year a couple of years ago and I liked it there, I never really thought Americans are that superficial as some people think, actually I thought there wasn´t much difference in all the western cultures since my ex started talking about Americans and how they date and I started to wonder, is he kidding???? That was disappointing, I really thought he was a little bit more cosmopolitan, a free spirit maybe, and less a person who explains himself through his nationality. I mean, that´s the guy who said he was a little bit proud that he had transcended all these different groups at highschool and got along with everybody.

 

It´s only recently since I wondered if there is not a little bit of truth in it all and I was simply not aware of it. I do wonder why Bush obviously still has chances to get reelected and you can´t deny that he has some. And he may not got the majority of the votes of years ago, but he still won the elections and he is president and he might be your president again. A friend of mine once said democracy is dangerous, because who says the majority will make smart choices? He was joking, but he has some good points.

 

This is what I see and what American movies tell other people around the world about the USA and how they live. You may not like it, but that´s how it is. And you are free to tell how your friends are or how they date, maybe it´s different, I wouldn´t ask if I was already completely convinced that the movies were right, would I?

 

I guess, I´m pretty frustrated because of this guy and also I was thinking of pursuing a Ph.D. in the States and now I´m just not sure anymore if this is the place where I want to stay for the next couple of years. I do find it scary if an ex-bodybuilder becomes governor.

 

I would have classified Europeans as white men, unless you consider them to be THAT exotic that the deserve their category

 

[tokyo]

Ok, before anybody thinks I just watch teenage movies, I´m not a teenager

anymore and there are a couple of Americans movies that I did like, e.g. American

Beauty.

[amerikajin]

research and movies, movies are part of the culture and to some extent reflect what is popular or considered to be important. So, what we see is a lot of American movies dealing with highschool proms, blonde and mean cheerleaders, etc. Now, look at German films - if you have watched this Lola-movie, maybe you know more - I can´t really name any that deals with the problem of finding a date for highschool prom.

 

Many people around the world accuse us of basing our perceptions of the world on movies and television programs that we watch. Don't fall victim to the same kinds of cr@p when trying to analyze American life and culture. The only way you can really understand a society is to go there and see it for yourself.

 

That´s one point, the second point is, my friend had confirmed that his highschool experience was like that when I asked about him it. I´m absolutely aware that there are a lot of cliches in movies, so I asked him and that´s what he told me.

 

Like I said, see and experience things for your self. There must be something that draws you to America...don't let your friend spook you out of going. It happens to be one of many great countries on this planet, with some of the greatest people you'll ever meet (and that's not nationalistic mumbo jumbo, either).

 

If I had listened to people who had expressed their concerns about living in another country, I'd have never experienced this great adventure that we call Asia. It was my idea to come here, and I decided early on I'd take the good with the bad. I'm as American as hell, and I love my country very damn much; but I can't get enough of this place, either.

 

I think everyone should leave their home country for at least a year. I think we'd have fewer wars if we did. We'd have better understanding between cultures, and we'd have a much greater respect for each other. When we sit at home and observe another culture through the prism of the media filter, we forget we're seeing only what others want us to see; when we experience the people for ourselves, they become a part of us, in our hearts and minds forever.

 

I do wonder why Bush obviously still has chances to get reelected and you can´t deny that he has some. And he may not got the majority of the votes of years ago, but he still won the elections and he is president and he might be your president again.

 

So you're basing your cultural perceptions about our attitudes when it comes to dating on...a presidential election? I have to wonder exactly how this is relevant to your original thread subject.

 

Oh, I see where you're going with this. We're a bunch of wacky superficial dolts because the majority of people don't get their politics right. Is that it?

 

Read some of my previous threads and you'll see I'm as critical of our lack of cultural awareness as anyone (American or not). But I've grown weary of the condescending lectures from Europeans and other "know-it-alls" from across the globe who blame *everything* on America and American culture.

 

Iraq war? Yeah, for a variety of reasons it was a stupid move. Nothing to do with terrorism. Believe it or not, a lot of us get that. A lot of us even understood that before we invaded.

 

Now, tell me, what exactly did Germany and France do constructively to alleviate the crisis in the Middle East? Which European country set even a foot forward to attempt to diffuse the Palestinian-Israeli crisis? Where were Germany and France (and anyone else) during the Camp David talks?

 

What exactly did Germany and France (or Russia or China) do to improve Iraq before last year? They ran a sham called the Oil-for-food program, which allowed the starvation of thousands of Iraqis each year. Hardly an improvement over the current situation, and if anything, as critical of the war and its bogus pretexts as I've been, I'll say that in some places, life in Iraq is immeasurably better. And that's hardly the result of anything France or Germany did. Quite the contrary, they wanted to perpetuate the status quo of dysfunctional Arab dictatorships.

 

People lecture us about terrorism. I lecture us about terrorism. But unlike a lot of the nose-in-the-air Europeans, I was in America during 9/11. I remember not knowing exactly what was going to happen next. I remember wondering if these nihilists were about to unleash mayhem in our nation's capital, the likes of which modern civilization hadn't seen before. I know, I know...Europeans have dealt with terrorism for a long time.

 

Let me tell you, what happened on 9/11/2001 wasn't just terrorism; it was catastrophic terrorism. It was an earthquake in a bottle, and it was a sinister preview of what might come in the future. While I disagree vehemently with some of the course of action we've taken in response to this tragedy, I understand it all too well -- in a way that only people who've experienced the horrors of a war on their own soil can.

 

Perhaps you are old enough to have experienced what happened in Vietnam. It was a war that devastated that country, and it was a war we had no business being involved in.

 

But for every ill we've perpetrated, we've also given some back. We rebuilt Germany. We made it a major trading partner. We gave people in the Western part of Germany a better standard of living than those who lived in the East. I know, I've been there myself. I also have an uncle who was one of the countless American soldiers who would have given his life to defend Germany and German interests, and at the same time, defending our interests all at the same time. Germany's interests have been our interests.

 

A friend of mine once said democracy is dangerous, because who says the majority will make smart choices? He was joking, but he has some good points.

 

Well you know what??? We have far and away more nobel peace prizes, more patents, and more wealth than any nation on earth....not bad for a bunch of dumbasses.

 

I guess, I´m pretty frustrated because of this guy and also I was thinking of pursuing a Ph.D. in the States and now I´m just not sure anymore if this is the place where I want to stay for the next couple of years.

 

Fine, don't come. Remain a slave to your prejudices.

 

I do find it scary if an ex-bodybuilder becomes governor.

 

I'll take an successful bodybuilder for governor over a failed artist for Chancellor any day.

[shamen]

Kooky:

 

Don't let one bad experience with a guy who fed you a line of stereotypes scar you for life! He sounds like a weirdo. Not all men here are like that. I do think that we may date a little differently: try different people on for size. If it fits, you keep dating and it becomes a relationship. That's the difference between dating and being involved.

 

To address the issues about social groups in HS... I suppose they do to a degree exist, but they are over exaggerated in the films. If the school is more multi cultural, then it's certainly not what you are seeing in the movies. College is a completely different world than HS, so please don't judge your experiences with the films on what college is like here in the States. Please don't let that cloud your decision to study here!

 

I'm so embarrassed for us as Americans sometimes when the whole world thinks that the life that is depicted in American films is reality! It's absolutely got not much to do with it, IMHO.

 

Oh, no one I know likes Bush either. I don't support the war in Iraq, nor do any of my friends. Mind you we are all politically liberal types. Yeah, there are conservatives here, but I hope and pray that Bush does not make it back into the White House.

 

Jesse Ventura and Arnold S. as politicians = very weird. No way I would've voted for either one.

 

EDIT: I wrote this post as the one above it was added. He addressed some of the same issues I did in a different way, of course.

[LolaLopez]

movies are part of the culture and to some extent reflect what is popular or considered to be important. So, what we see is a lot of American movies dealing with highschool proms, blonde and mean cheerleaders, etc

 

Yes, I agree that film is well worthy of study. But do not forget the commercial aspect of film, and teenagers in America have lots of spending money, thus the amount of films made for them. Many of these do not depict real life and do not even try to, they are just trying to sell Coke or clothes to teens in this and other countries. Get it?

 

 

 

my friend had confirmed that his highschool experience was like that when I asked about him it. I´m absolutely aware that there are a lot of cliches in movies, so I asked him and that´s what he told me.

Well then, there you go, it must be true if he said it is.

 

A friend of mine once said democracy is dangerous, because who says the majority will make smart choices? He was joking

 

So, what better way do you have of making decisions? Maybe you would prefer a dictatorship. If majority ruled, Bush would not be president today. We elect our president by electoral votes, though,not majority anyway. Maybe you do not fully understand democracy? We are dealing with our own corruption right now anyhow, and I have faith in our country, I have hope that people will get out the vote. Do you hear us telling you that we are not all blind Bush supporters? Sometimes I worry about how we are perceived in other countries, but sometimes I think it is easier for other countries to love to hate us than have to deal with us as a complex country still forming.

 

American movies tell other people around the world about the USA and how they live.

 

I still can't get over how people all over the world just suck up American pop culture. I don't even think WE like it as much as other cultures do! Again, please remember that American movie making is largely a huge huge moneymaking business. Look for movies produced by smaller movie houses, look for independent flicks, they are more intellectual and observant and are trying to achieve much more than a quick hundred million dollars.

 

I was thinking of pursuing a Ph.D. in the States

 

Oh, really? And what, pray tell, are you considering writing your dissertation on? Does it have to do with cultural disparity?

 

AND, I meant white American men NOT white European men. I would not classify all European men as white. You would? That's very very interesting. I am not white, by the way. I am still American. How do you find that white American men differ from white European men? I'm sure you've had experiences with both.

 

But really, one question I have for you is how you feel about your origin and your upbringing. I have several Asian-American friends and they always talk about how their families are not emotional at all. Do you live in a Asian family or were you adopted? I am really curious about that. Sincerely.

 

 

American Beauty...a much better movie but still about teenagers. What's up?

[tokyo]

EDIT: I wrote this post as the one above it was added. He addressed some of the same issues I did in a different way, of course.

 

Shamen,

 

I don´t think you should excuse yourself. It looks a bit like you are embarrassed now and I don´t think there´s any reason to be, I´m sorry. You make me feel bad now....

 

I met this guy in Egypt and I think most Americans I met there seemed to like it, I didn´t really, neither did my supervisor, boss, and a couple of other Germans. Most Swiss or Austrians I met didn´t like it either, but the Americans did. Seems like Americans were more open-minded or whatever than the rest of us. My ex loves this country.

 

[tokyo]

So you're basing your cultural perceptions about our attitudes when it comes to dating on...a presidential election? I have to wonder exactly how this is relevant to your original thread subject.

 

My original question about the correctness of American dating habits was considered to be full of stereotypes and that it depends on the individual. That is true, but I was asking for tendencies in the American culture and I do say there are differences in the ways people think, for example politics - opinion of Europeans to Iraq war and America. LolaLopez seemed to want to defend her neighbors and friends who are anti-Bush and I just say, the are still other people who might vote him and he still might win the election. I don´t want to offend her, her neighbor, her friends or you, but this right now is the situation in the USA. And I say you will always meet nice people wherever you go, but you will also have to live with the rest.

 

I guess, I know what´s happening here and I should shut up now. You can be angry with your governments politics, but you´ll defend it as hell if anyone else dares to criticize it. So, maybe we should go back to the old topic, before you beat the **** out of me

 

But just let me comment this one here:

 

Oh, I see where you're going with this. We're a bunch of wacky superficial dolts because the majority of people don't get their politics right. Is that it?

 

I don´t know, but at least you are teaching me some nice insults that I didn´t know before

 

Now, tell me, what exactly did Germany and France do constructively to alleviate the crisis in the Middle East? Which European country set even a foot forward to attempt to diffuse the Palestinian-Israeli crisis? Where were Germany and France (and anyone else) during the Camp David talks?

 

I´ve always heard it´s the USA that veto any resolutions against Israel?

 

I'll say that in some places, life in Iraq is immeasurably better. And that's hardly the result of anything France or Germany did. Quite the contrary, they wanted to perpetuate the status quo of dysfunctional Arab dictatorships.

 

I´m not sure about that now. I´m one of these people who has always been quite undecided about this war, I think it´s a good thing that a dictator was removed, but I don´t think that this war was well planned at all and the situation in this country is so desastrous and gives a lot of people more pretexts to create hatred and disgust at the American occupation and the West itself. Didn´t the Americans support some dictators in Latinamerica? And didn´t they first supported Saddam Hussein till they decided to drop him one day?

 

We rebuilt Germany. We made it a major trading partner. We gave people in the Western part of Germany a better standard of living than those who lived in the East. I know, I've been there myself. I also have an uncle who was one of the countless American soldiers who would have given his life to defend Germany and German interests, and at the same time, defending our interests all at the same time. Germany's interests have been our interests.[/Quote]c

 

You are definitely right. There were wars that were right and others that were not. Europeans owes a lot to America, but that doesn´t mean you are always right or do the right things.

 

But for every ill we've perpetrated, we've also given some back.[/Quote]

I´m not sure if they are eager to get even more ill....

 

I don´t think you agree unconditionally to America´s politics, but I´m also sure that you will rather defend it then criticize it in front of me, a Non-American, no matter what you believe. So, let´s get back to the topic.

 

I think you are right with the idea of romantic love, I´ve heard that before. The idea that people can marry for love is a pretty new concept contrary to arranged marriages and it´s spreading through television and movies (ooops ) because of its appealing charakter.

 

PEACE?

 

Wait a minute, I had asked if that was typical American to date for practical reasons and actually none of you has ever told me if you do. I don´t, I want to be madly and passionately in love till it drives me insane.

[tokyo]

Many of these do not depict real life and do not even try to, they are just trying to sell Coke or clothes to teens in this and other countries. Get it?

 

Well then, there you go, it must be true if he said it is.

 

I don´t know, he was intelligent and had more skills in observing people than I do.

 

A friend of mine once said democracy is dangerous, because who says the majority will make smart choices? He was joking

 

So, what better way do you have of making decisions? Maybe you would prefer a dictatorship. If majority ruled, Bush would not be president today.

 

He likes to provoke and I would not want a dictatorship. I think what bothers me is that everybody here says our system is great and maybe you just say it, because - as I said before to americajin - you feel obliged to defend your country to people from the outside. To me it looked like Bush didn´t win the elections in a very fair way (is it ok to call it cheating?) and I asked myself: What´s going on here? Are they just going to accept it?? And I´m sure other people around the world will ask themselves the same questions. And then they ask themselves: Why are *they* telling *us* which president we should elect? Why do they meddle in our affairs?

 

I recently said to my mom: I don´t think capitalism is the answer to all our problems And she is like: Do you think communism is better? Etc., etc. etc. we had an endless conversation. All I wanted to say is that I don´t think capitalism will solve everything and there must be something more. I don´t want a dictatorship, but take a minute to think if the majority really always makes smart choices. I don´t say, let´s get a dictator.

 

but sometimes I think it is easier for other countries to love to hate us than have to deal with us as a complex country still forming. [/Quote]

 

Look above what I have written.

 

Oh, really? And what, pray tell, are you considering writing your dissertation on? Does it have to do with cultural disparity?[/Quote]

 

Nope, I study horticulture.

 

AND, I meant white American men NOT white European men. I would not classify all European men as white. You would??[/Quote]

 

In a classical sense yes. Or caucasians. The USA are a melting pot or salad bowl and the fundament of their national understanding is different than that of the European nations, due to their history. There are simply no black or Asian kings or queens in any European history book to be found. I guess having so many foreigner has only "recently" become a part of their history and they are still trying to integrate them. So, for me an American is, well, an American and could be anything, but a European is white and I think that´s also the common view, not only here.

 

How do you find that white American men differ from white European men? I'm sure you've had experiences with both. [/Quote]

 

I don´t date a lot, but I think Spanish men are cute, more conservative and homly. Americans are very open and easygoing, so usually it´s not really difficult to talk to them. Germans are reliable - this sounds so damn boring, but I don´t really know what I should say.....

 

American Beauty...a much better movie but still about teenagers. What's up?

No, I would say, a movie about the missed chances to communicate with people you care for. About midlife-crisis and once again missed opportunities in life and false expectations.

 

Let´s stop the politics and get back to my topic

[amerikajin]

kooky,

 

I think we got waaaaaaay off topic here, but that's what happens when you introduce totally unrelated issues which could be construed as disparaging remarks against a person's nationality. You brought those issues up, so I just responded to them.

 

I could respond point-by-point to the post but that would be getting further off topic. The point of my response was that I don't defend policies; I defend the good name of people I know back home.

 

There are differences between culture - anyone knows that. Some stereotypes have some degree of truth, but only some. The problems with stereotypes is that they are often exaggerated and hard to apply, and they don't represent the whole story.

 

I think my original response (before we got off on the political tangent) reflects most accurately what I wanted to say in response to your questions.

 

Sorry for blowing my top last night.

 

Peace.

[lurkaholic]

So, to answer the original question, here is my thought on dating:

 

When you first start dating someone, you don't know much about them. You might lust for them, but it's unlikely that you would be madly in love with them, since you don't really know them. So in addition to just going by feelings, sometimes people use practical considerations in order to decide if they should keep seeing the person. It's like you're looking for signs as to whether they are a good mate, and if they're not, you want to get away before you fall for the right person. Some practical things that I look for are:

 

--Their upbringing. Raised by wolves? Horrible childhood? I wouldn't leave someone for it, but I might file it under "watch and see if this comes up in a bad way later."

 

--Their dating history. Even if I'm head over heels for a guy, I might be wary if he's cheated on his last 18 girlfriends.

 

 

Stuff like that.

 

I don't think of it as being practical, but more as being realistically romantic. I guess I don't believe that love can conquer *all*, and from my past dating history where I only cared about how I felt, I've learned that there are signs that you can look for even through your rose colored glasses.

 

Oh, and I have no idea if this has to do with my being American. I doubt it, seriously, since I have many very romantic love-at-first-sight friends. But here you go...one gal's experience.

[tokyo]

Hm, I think I might not have put it very clearly in the beginning, he was not

only dating her, he called it a relationship. That was not just going out a

couple of times, but very likely included more. He said people can sometimes

date for years without ever wondering if they are in love or not. So this is

something that I don´t understand.

 

I also don´t go out with whoever comes along, I think people should check

out if they can connect well or talk together.

 

Maybe I should ask differently and more generally - can a man be in love with

someone and still decide to have relationship with someone else, because he

thinks it has greater chances to work out? This is a question that has been

bothering me quite a lot.

[wideawake]

Originally posted by kooky

Maybe I should ask differently and more generally - can a man be in love with

someone and still decide to have relationship with someone else, because he

thinks it has greater chances to work out? This is a question that has been

bothering me quite a lot.

 

Well, what a person "CAN" do and what they usually do...are two very different things.

 

Believe it or not we usually like to be in love with the people we are having a relationship with.

 

So to answer your questions in a direct fashion - NO!

 

You don't love someone and than go have a relationship with someone else becuase it's a better bet. I mean some people probably do it, but it's not common, and what's more ... it's just not cool.

[shamen]

Originally posted by kooky

 

[...]

I´m not American and I dated an American guy

once. He broke up with me and later started dating someone for as he called "practical

reasons". She worked in a similar field as he did and she also was a more even-tempered

person (I´m quick-tempered...) so he thought they were a good match. He told Americans

can be very romantic (I guess he had been in love with me) or very rational. They date for

social reasons, companionship, sex, intimacy, etc. I thought what a bull****. Why spend my

time with someone I`m not really in love with?

 

[...]

And let me ask this, it seems Americans really take this dating thing serious, don´t they?

I mean, you are supposed to date otherwise you look like, well, weird? And it also seems

that dating isn´t to be taken very serious? People go out together, check out, if they are

compatible or not and that´s it.

 

I think that we do date people to sort of get to know them. I mean, how am I supposed to know if I connect with someone if we don't go out on a couple of dates? After that, you decide if you want to keep dating them and if it's right, it turns into a monogamous relationship (usually).

 

Do people here ever date for social reasons? Yeah, sometimes. Do I know anyone personally who's done this. No. But, there are always going to be people who marry/date for social status and/or money, but I don't think that this is the norm. At least I hope not. Some people may consider this a practical/rational reason to date, but I would disagree.

 

Is it sometimes hard to keep dating someone because things are hard with schedules not matching, etc? Yeah, it is. For example, I get up every day at 5:30. I work hard and sometimes play hard and go to sleep at 11:00 during the week (Monday through Friday). Is it hard for me or would it be hard for me to date someone who is a server (waiter)? Yes, because their schedule would be the exact opposite of mine. Getting up later, working late; working on the weekends, exactly when I have time off. So, do I tend to want to date servers? No. If something happened and I met an incredible man who was a server, I might try to work it out, but I would certainly keep this in my head before I started dating them.

 

Do we date for companionship and intimacy? Absolutely! That's why I date. Do I currently have that in my life? No, that's why I'm still dating and not in a relationship right now. I'm looking for a good match. If we don't match, we don't keep dating.

 

Do we date for sex? Some people do do that. I don't.

 

Your friend saying that someone can go out with someone for several years without wondering if they are in love is a bunch of hooey (crap). I don't know anyone from my whole lifetime that thinks this way.

 

Wideawake addressed the issue of starting another relationship with someone else whilst in one already... I agree. I don't think that that is all that common, nor is it cool! Others may disagree with me on this phenomenon of cheating.

 

I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with this man; please know that not all American men would do this to you.

[LolaLopez]

Hmmm...Now that I am thinking about it, I know several men who are really in love with some girl but are not with her. Lately it has been a phenomenon that me and my friend (who is single and Vietnamese American...coincidentally) have noticed. She is trying to find someone, however she keeps meeting these men who date her but then reveal later that they are truly in love with someone else, usually someone far away or something. But it seems it has not been working out with the real love so they have kind of given up on it, but not totally right or why would they tell her? This has happened to her 4 times in a year. One guy did get back with his true love though and is now going to marry her. But it has been 8 years that they were apart. It seems that people are really putting off marriage to stay single longer and to enjoy singleness and to meet as many people as possible and be sure that compatibility is there. I think many people our age have gone thru divorce of a parent and that has affected this. They want to be sure or just stay single rather than be in conflict.

 

But not me, because I married for hot burning love and, Kooky, trust me, if you want to be in love till it drives you insane, it will. But it is worth it, I tell you, so hold out until you find someone willing to fall in love like that. Be like the people who throw plates at each other.

 

My friend she has problems too b/c she just describes her family as being so non ceremonial and not emotional. But she wants to find something, I don't think she knows how to do it.

 

(And I promise no more politics, however can i say i was not trying to defend the u.s. it just frustrates me that people think we are all bush lovers when we aren't. plenty of us think he cheated and i don't think we are sure what to do but try to get him out with the vote so wish us luck. )

Lolita

[amerikajin]

Hm, I think I might not have put it very clearly in the beginning, he was not

only dating her, he called it a relationship. That was not just going out a

couple of times, but very likely included more.

 

You mean sex?

 

People from all over the world engage in pre-marital coitus, and they may or may not end up getting married. Anything short of marriage or some kind of civil union is probably best termed as a dating relationship. I don't see your point.

 

Practical reasons might be things like career and location. If you're dating someone from another country, maybe you encounter a situation in which someone wants to move and other person doesn't. Maybe there are cultural differences that are difficult to bridge. Maybe a person believes that they'd be better off waiting to date someone more seriously when they are more settled in their career and can pay attention to other things.

 

Or maybe "practical reasons" is just a front. Maybe the guy just doesn't see a long-term future with you for whatever reasons and is afraid to hurt you by telling you what he really thinks.

 

He said people can sometimes date for years without ever wondering if they are in love or not.

 

Months? Yeah, I could see that.

 

But dating years and not knowing if you're in love? Nah, I think you probably know after six months (perhaps up to a year). You probably know how you feel after a few dates, although it takes longer to determine whether or not you're cut out to work together as a couple.

 

I also don´t go out with whoever comes along, I think people should check out if they can connect well or talk together.

 

Casual dating (i.e. "sex, plus..." dating) is probably more common in the U.S. than in other places, though it happens in every culture I'm familiar with and it's happening with more frequency for the reasons I've already mentioned.

 

Can a man be in love with someone and still decide to have relationship with someone else, because he

thinks it has greater chances to work out?

 

I think that a healthy dating man has emotions which give him an overpowering sense of lust and love in the beginning of a good relationship. However, that initial rush probably lasts a good month or so before a man begins to decide if he's really in love with this person. My guess is that early on the guy decided he wasn't really in love, but he liked the relationship (and what it gave him) enough to keep giving it a chance to change his mind. But, the longer you continue in a relationship and don't find that reason to fall in love, the less feeling you have. The relationship dies. It somehow has a way of taking care of itself naturally.

 

Case in point, I'm dating a girl now and have been for the past month. At this point, I am beginning to conclude that I am not in love with her, but I'm still waiting to see if the situation changes. The odds are it probably won't change, but there's no reason we can't continue to know each other more and see where it goes. There comes in every relationship a time when you decide either yes, I'm in love and I'm going to devote my full time and attention to this relationship, or no, it's not going anywhere, and we're at the end of the line.

[tokyo]

Shamen & Lola,

 

thank you very much for your support

 

My problem with dates is, I feel pressurized. If I go out with someone I don´t know well yet, it´s because I´m already interested in him. For me, if someone ask for a date, it´s already a strong signal that he is interested and to be honest, that´s too much for me. Too many expectations and I feel like a creep when I´m not interested in a second date, I have scruples to turn people down, I still do, but I feel awful.

 

I would never ask someone out if I wasn´t attracted somehow already and it would make me feel bad if someone goes out with me and then doesn´t want to go further. But maybe I´m taking it too serious. I just know I´d rather hang out with a friend and find out I like him and let things take care of themselves naturally than having a date with him to find out if we are a good match or not. I´m convinced that a only a good friend is a good partner and this is something that I don´t think I would find out if I date someone, because that doesn´t seem to be a normal situation for me.

 

Or maybe I shouldn´t take it so serious and try it out again one day

 

it just frustrates me that people think we are all bush lovers when we aren't. plenty of us

 

think he cheated and i don't think we are sure what to do but try to get him out with the vote

 

so wish us luck.

 

I understand it can piss off people to be judged by their nationality alone.

 

Good luck

[tokyo]

Americajin,

 

Can a man be in love with someone and still decide to have relationship with someone else, because he thinks it has greater chances to work out?

 

You answered this, but not quite. I don´t think he was in love with her, but it seems he was also not enough in love with me anymore to break up with her for me. Actually I don´t think highly of people who drop their girlfriends for someone else and I didn´t really expect him to do it, I neither asked him to do it. But I thought he should reconsider carefully , because she had already made out with her boyfriend as soon as she was back home, so that didn´t look like heaven on earth for him either.

 

I have to admit your evaluation of the situation and him is pretty good. Makes a lot of sense. If I take all the incoherent statements he gave me, they would fit into your picture.

 

This is funny, your foto reminds me of him, he looks very much like you and if he had more guts he would have probably told me the same as you just did. Let me make a guess, with your looks (you look like a pretty friendly guy, a lot less dominant than in your posts ) and your hard-boiled attitude on life, you are a heartbreaker and I wouldn´t be surprised if you walk out of relationships less hurt than your girlfriends.

 

I don´t know if you are dating an expat or a native woman and I don´t know how far you went in your dating-relationship, if it´s an expat I don´t have to say anything more, if she´s a Japanese woman, then tell me, are you fully aware how dating in Japan works and how the traditions there are? I don´t, but I´m not there.

 

I don´t understand why people have to think (?) about if they are in love or not. Is it something that you should feel??? You are way too rational here and I don´t think you are in love if you have to wonder about it. Looks a bit like you are keeping her on the back burner till you have found someone else. Just because you have such an unemotional approach to relationships doesn´t mean that your partner does this, too. (yeah, I´m taking it out on you now )

 

It shocks and fascinates me to read all these posts. People can be so cruel and mean, there are so many confused and heart-broken people, man, this is a jungle out there. At least I´m not the only one here who is frustrated and my situation is clearly not as bad as like many others here.