Not sure marriage is the right thing to do, even after 6 years in this relationship.

[dingoding]

I need some advice on what is proving to be the most difficult decision of my life. Stick it out or go.

I have been with her for over 6 years and I really do love her, but I'm just not sure we have what it takes to make a marriage work. I'm totally confused at this point in how to proceed. I am afraid of making a huge mistake, but I'm also scared of getting divorced. She is really a great person, very kind hearted and sweet. She is a little insecure and extremely sensitive, which is kind of opposite of myself. I almost think my biggest hang up in ending it is hurting her and the devastation it would bring to her.

We have had a relatively good relationship overall, but for the past couple of years we just haven't been seeing things eye to eye. We argue about the stupidest of things and it's constant. We have lived together for 4 1/2 years, but are currently separated (I live in Texas, she lives in Florida). She decided to move last year when we were having issues, but now wants to move back and get married. I believe some of this has to do with finances and the rest is out of love. We do love and care for each other. Like I said before she is extremely sensitive and I feel like I have to watch what I say or sugarcoat everything so as not to offend her. I'm always feeling like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm not. She is very flighty and has a hard time finding direction in her life. She is 29 and still has no idea what she really wants to do with her life. I on the other hand have a good stable career, have owned a home for 10 years, drive a nice car and lead a relatively good life. I'm not perfect, but I don't do anything that is blatantly bad or dishonest. I have other issues with her such as, she doesn't share the household workload (20% at best), she doesn't value the things I provide for her in life....many little annoyances. Looking at a pure laundry list, it may be easy to say dump her, but it's just not that easy for me. I do love her, but lately when I've been with her I keep getting this tightening feeling in the pit of my stomach. I miss her when she's not around, but feel strange when she is. I try to bring some of these items up with her, but she usually ends up crying and I end up feeling guilty. How can you work on things when she is totally driven by emotion and I am very logical? This probably come across as rambling. there are just so many things that play a part. I need advice and can hopefully brings some of these thoughts out of my head as the thread proceeds.

[morrigan]

I'll try to help, hopefully other people on LS will give advice as well.

 

It doesn't sound like you're ready to get married, if anything, it sounds like this relationship is already on the tethers. You each have different attitudes towards life and differing views on living arrangments, you already have been living apart for awhile. When you've dated someone for a number of years, even if you no longer feel attracted towards them, you still have feelings for them that are hard to put away. It is also possible that she has been feeling the same way you have and she may feel that getting married will ease these confusing feelings and solidify your relationship. It won't.

 

Be honest with your girlfriend--there is no way you can stop her feeling angry or hurt about your breakup. Tell her that you have grown apart, and that it best you both move on. It won't be easy, but it's the best thing to do.

[batitm]

I do agree with the above post that marriage will not solve your problems or ease your nerves. However, I do not think you should just end it there. Just my opinion:

1. Decide if any part of you still wants to be with her.

-if not end it as gently as possible

2. If you want to try and work it out I would suggest some type of counseling, maybe not a shrink but maybe somebody at church or married friends that could help you go through the basics in marriage (kids, religion, sex, family, work, finances, etc.) You may even be able to just buy a book and go through it yourselvees.

3. After this either your fears about divorce will be calmed or it will be obvious to you that a marriage would not work with her.

Like I said this is just my opinion, but if you want anything you have to work for it.