Want to be supportive to my EX! How?

[soccerrprp]

I have been hesitant/resistant about putting this online, but not certain what to do now and my friends are mostly unsupportive of my involvement with her.

 

Here's the cut and dry:

 

1. She has been involved in relationship after relationship where the guy has taken financial, emotional advantage and then disappointed her.

2. Her father, as a child, was not the most supportive, encouraging.

3. She was in a 8-yr engagement, needless to say, it didn't work out. Strangely enough, she maintains a "friendship" with him. He lives thousands of miles away. She regards this period as a very dark period in her life. He, this guy, did what others in #1 did. Interestingly, he came down during xmas to visit her son. I have never heard her speak positively of this guy.

4. She adopted a child in the midst of the relationship in #3 as she was aware that the relationship was going nowhere.

5. She left the relationship to distance herself from the failed relationship, be closer to her father, start fresh.

6. She has been trying to date, find someone, but it has been difficult for her. She recently adopted another child. Again, needless to say, very few men are willing to get involved with a woman with two young children and in her 40s.

7. She's attractive, professional, but has debt, extremely introverted and does not make friends easily. She doesn't smile enough, is extremely cynical and I have never seen her show affection towards her children.

8. She is a poor communicator. Prefers not to speak over the phone, texting or email is more her method and that can be unreliable, sketchy.

9. Since i've met her, she's gained visible weight. She's always talked about eating healthy and losing weight, but that's not clearly happening.

10. She prefers being cloistered at home, hates being out in crowds, and frankly doesn't do enough with her children. Almost all family outings are with me and my own kids, but as i continue dating, this may change.

 

Anyway, this is just a little of what i'm dealing with. I'm trying to figure her out and find the best way to be supportive. I recently had a birthday and she organized a very thoughtful celebration with the kids for me. I was surprised. She even presented me with a cute mug that had a character of a movie we saw on our first date months ago.

 

Anyone give me some insight as to what I'm dealing with here? Depression? It's frustrating even trying to be friends with her. I won't hear from her for a week or two and all of a sudden, she's asking me how I'm doing and how the kids are and wanting to get together.

 

Any advice would be welcome. She certainly needs support. Single mother of two is tough as you all know. I've let her know that i'm there for her, but never know if she's internalized that. I don't want to be like her past relationships and simply vanish or abandon her.

 

Thanks all!

[d4commitment]

My first thought was that she seems a bit lost. Like she needs to find a path in life that she takes for herself and her children. It's way too easy to live you life for someone, and you often forget yourself.

 

I was raised by a single mother who suffered from depression, and I know that's hard. She sounds a lot like her. I think all you can do is just be there until she realizes that you're right there in front of her. Do stuff together (spontaneous activities are not always popular with depressed people) make her feel like she has a purpose and that she doesn't need a man to find that purpose. Also a great tip that I used on my own mom is to introduce her to an activity or a hobby that she could participate in (either with you or alone). The last thing you want to do is to be stuck in a rut.

 

I don't know if I answered your question at all or if this is just a mere comment, but be a friend to her like you are to all your other friends. Even though we break up with people we are still human beings with emotional and social needs in the end, and both of you seem like great human beings. Hope all goes well

[soccerrprp]

My first thought was that she seems a bit lost. Like she needs to find a path in life that she takes for herself and her children. It's way too easy to live you life for someone, and you often forget yourself.

 

I was raised by a single mother who suffered from depression, and I know that's hard. She sounds a lot like her. I think all you can do is just be there until she realizes that you're right there in front of her. Do stuff together (spontaneous activities are not always popular with depressed people) make her feel like she has a purpose and that she doesn't need a man to find that purpose. Also a great tip that I used on my own mom is to introduce her to an activity or a hobby that she could participate in (either with you or alone). The last thing you want to do is to be stuck in a rut.

 

I don't know if I answered your question at all or if this is just a mere comment, but be a friend to her like you are to all your other friends. Even though we break up with people we are still human beings with emotional and social needs in the end, and both of you seem like great human beings. Hope all goes well

 

Thanks. Lost is an understatement. I'm the first positive relationship with a man she's ever had. Not certain what that says about anything, but I am determined to be supportive. She is an incredibly intelligent woman, but socially awkward, hesitant. Unfortunately or fortunately I have moved on and know that she is simply not for me, but I have this darn need/desire to be as supportive as possible.

 

I will continue to give her space, time and let her dictate her needs. I have suspect depression. I just wish she would open up more.

[NoMagicBullet]

Thanks. Lost is an understatement. I'm the first positive relationship with a man she's ever had. Not certain what that says about anything, but I am determined to be supportive. She is an incredibly intelligent woman, but socially awkward, hesitant. Unfortunately or fortunately I have moved on and know that she is simply not for me, but I have this darn need/desire to be as supportive as possible.

 

I will continue to give her space, time and let her dictate her needs. I have suspect depression. I just wish she would open up more.

 

This is not a good reason to be her friend. You ended things, correct? (If you posted it in another thread, I didn't see it.) It sounds like you have a simultaneous need to not feel guilty about the breakup and to save her, maybe her kids as well, from herself.

 

I think this woman needs professional help, and you are getting in over your head with trying to help her. Unless you can encourage her to get professional counseling or therapy, I doubt whatever support you provide her will change anything.

 

I'm going to play Armchair Psychologist on what you've posted about her: she may indeed be depressed, but I think she has serious lack of self-esteem. Repeated relationships where she was used, adopting two kids... I think she so desperately wants to be loved -- correction, be validated as a worthy human being if someone else loves her -- that she seeks it out in the wrong places: men who use her, adopting kids to provide a presumed source of unconditional love. (Perhaps that's why she doesn't do much with the kids -- parent/child relationships are as difficult and sometimes emotionally unsatisfying as any other relationship.)

 

If you can convince her to see a therapist, great, but I can't imagine you'll be able to fix her all by yourself. Do you really want to toss your time and energy down a black hole? I can see very clearly why your friends are not supportive of you being involved with her.

 

Also, if you were the one to end the dating, you aren't doing her any favors by being her friend -- it's too easy for the dumped party to hang onto a false hope that things will change. The intentions might be honorable, but in practice, it's confusing and cruel.

[soccerrprp]

Some difficult words to hear. Thank you.

 

Our break-up was mutually agreed upon. I simply gave up on trying to "figure" her out and she sensed my frustration. Unfortunately, she has no other friends in the area. She is either entirely focused on her job or her own world. She simply does not get out unless it's with me on our occasional "friend" dates or family outtings or sporadic date-dates with other men.

 

She often asks if i'm dating again. I've told her "not really." My answer each time asked has been true, but now that's changing. I know that I will have to begin to pull away if I am to remain sane through all this, but severing my ties with her entirely is not an option. I care about her and her children who are both very young. In fact, one of them has medical issues.

 

Save her? No. Support her? Yes. I

 

Thanks.

[soccerrprp]

Recently heard from my ex and not in the way that I anticipated. She, after a week of silence, tells me that she's been thinking about me all weekend and hoped I had a good weekend.

 

Ugh. What is going on here?