Bedtime confessional, now unsure

[redleader]

I have a friend that I have known and been close to for nearly 4 years, who was one of the first people I met when I moved to another state following an epic disaster relationship. I first met her when I was working briefly and she didn't seem my type really, but we met again later with a casual post on Craigslist that I replied to (i know...) and we spent the night together. What was a one night thing became a strong friendship with benefits. We have always been attracted to each other physically and emotionally, though when I came here I was a broken person emotionally and not ready to try again. Until now my shields have been up, but she found a way past it which I have finally admitted in full.

 

Our relationship has been a rollercoaster of sorts and not without some warcrimes between us, one of us would have a boy/girlfriend for a short time and end up back with each other after those things didn't work out. We stopped and restarted a few times, though I started feeling it getting harder each time we went through the cycle. The last end was a little over a year ago, and in that time we were just friends, though I would still sleep with her sometimes without sex.

 

My last job that I recently quit created a situation that left me completely burned out after a few years struggling with the aftermath of my last relationship (lost my job, nearly became an alcoholic, my ex warped my mind, came to my new home with absolutely nothing and no identity, with what I think was legitimate post traumatic stress). In the end I severely gave up for all of 2012, and pretty much stopped having a social life. She was one of the very few I kept in contact with. Now I have some insecurities with myself because I have put on some weight after a year of bad food, booze, and complete apathy that I am now beginning to change finally. During this time I had a few mental meltdowns and severe anxiety, in the end 2012 was not kind to me. I never told her how I really felt because she was one of the only things I cared about that I still had, and I didn't want to risk screwing that up too if she didn't feel the same.

 

This entire time I was subjected to her other suitors which naturally left me feeling jealous of her adventures and these other men and realizing I felt more for her than just friends. She has always been candid and truthful with me, to the point that I know she has been with several other men, at least 20x what I have. I have long struggled with this, as my town is not large and I know a few of them, sometimes leading to a feeling of disgust by her choices, because some of these men are weak men to me, and I dont get what she sees in them. I was upset with her a year ago because of a party we had in my home for her birthday, and most of the guests were her guy friends she had been with and watched them all fawn all over her all night. We talked about it the next day as she noticed I was upset (and with the party itself too), in the end she knew with that if we were going to be friends she needed to respect my feelings too in this regard. I have never done that to her before. Though I really can't say anything about her choices as I was doing the exact same thing, just with less frequency as I never really tried, women usually came to me without much effort. I havn't lately because I just grew tired of it hitting my 30th year on this Earth, realizing I needed to change my priorities and all of these cheap relationships were not satisfying anymore, and the only one I really wanted to be with was her.

 

Recently, after a year of playing it cool and maintaining, just working on being a good friend, which she had others she was with and so did I until a few months ago when I cut off every one of those relationships, while both in bed ready to pass out we finally both admitted there was more to us than what we had been, in her own words she said for her we had been on hold, and over anyone else I always had the priority for a deeper relationship, and I know this possibility had been in her mind throughout our friendship. We started a conversation about it long ago that we never finished. She also admitted a few other things that affected our relationship that I never knew about, which was sensitive stuff that I am glad she finally told me, she wasn't sure how before which I assume she didn't want to hurt me.

 

So basically our feelings are out in the open now, but she has some other companions at the moment and said she wasn't sure about picking just one right now. I find her in my thoughts constantly, somewhere between missing her and jealous, letting my mind run wild with imagining her with someone else, and what those men have over me which feeds into my own insecurities and not feeling good enough or strong enough. At this point I'm not sure what is going on, or what to do now. I want to reach out to her a lot but I don't want to be clingy and respect her space and that her business is hers alone unless she decides to include me. I'm not really sure what she wants between us now, and I find myself with looping thoughts of increasing anxiety running these scenarios in my head that I am struggling to stop.

 

I am trying to maintain focus on my new goals in starting my own business and getting physically fit again, which I know both will do well for my self esteem and confidence after letting myself waste away for all of 2012 doing absolutely nothing of value for anyone. I do feel I really am not good enough for her because I have basically been phoning in a half effort in life in general the last year. I know I can do better, and I must do better for myself, and she will see that as I rise above and plug back into the world with a vengeance. She isn't the reason for this restart of my life, but she is someone that motivates me to try harder. When I came to this state broken she helped me find my way, challenged my perceptions and myself, and I have many good memories and experiences with her. I'm not sure she sees how she helped mold me into what I have become now. She is important to me, which she knows directly now.

 

I am a bit worried in that once I get back into the line of work I was in before, which is stage work for concert events at local venues, I will begin meeting a lot of new people again, and be in the same position as she is now. In a way we have always just been out of phase with our relationships, I fear it might be that way again, and moreso that we can't keep doing this forever as it gets harder and harder for me. I don't want our friendship to be destroyed but I am not sure how to approach this now. We have always been there for each other, I think she knows she can trust me more than anyone else and has seen me go above and beyond for her, and despite her many boyfriends I am the only consistent and mature man in her life, which she did admit herself once. I suppose all I want to know from her is whether I should let those thoughts go, or if she does indeed want to take things up a notch with me. Relationship limbo is in effect it seems, though I am still just trying to play it cool and not be forceful, just letting things play out naturally. But there are times like now when I stay up way too late trying to combat these recursive thoughts and distract myself from my worry. Being in a real relationship again is also a terrifying thought regardless due to my past, now that the cat is out of the bag there is no going back, so that isn't helping either.

 

Writing things out like this always helps to hone down my thoughts, but any advice is welcome.

[redleader]

I didnt realize I posted twice, the site went offline for a minute when I tried initially, request this one be removed

[movingon45]

So is this a case of loving each other but afraid of trying again because of failed relationships, or not being able to commit to only one person?