Why do I feel worse?

[cavalier99]

I'm convinced at some point in the next couple months you'll be able to break out of your circular thinking lol . Hang in there bro

 

Ohh you know perfectly well that if she really wanted reconciliation she would have showed up at your door step. The texts and calls meant nothing just like the email from my ex. Either way our goal is to not want them back so it doesn't matter what they wanted because we don't give a flying f*K lol.

 

NO text NO call NOTHING and no one is going to stop me form getting over this for good. My ex is toast..ill be single for a while then move onto the next that much wiser and stronger.

Edited January 27, 2013 by cavalier99

[Hopeful714]

"If she did want to be with you, she would go out of her way to show it, just like you would"

 

I don't think this is always true. I would love to make that phone call. Im just afraid of the rejection and or hurt that may come if I did. Im also afraid of looking like an as*. Sometimes I think this works both ways. We don't know if "they" suffer. I hate to say this but maybe by making the pathetic calls would bring more closure?

 

I did see that counselor yesterday. Can't believe Im actually paying money to get over this now. Anyhow we didn't get too much into the BF stuff yet but he did say sometimes its good not to tell somebody "everything" that you may be holding in your heart. Some of it is "just for us." That makes sense to me because you don't want to put too much emotional stuff on someone else because its too "heavy" for them.

 

But really...there has got to be better closure then this just ok....NC...we will never talk again. It just seems messed up. They were a part of our lives.

[Hopeful714]

Ok, how about a confident call structured properly save esteem and to get some answers? Couldn't this bring more closure?

 

We took for granted they would always be blowin up the phone...big mistake. Should have spoke when we had the chance. I was just so shocked and hurt from the cheating I had to retreat for a bit. Dont these cheaters get how hurtful they were?

 

Went out last night with a gf. Stopped in many places...saw no one Id even want to talk to. This could go on a long time....longer then ever expected. Thats scary.

[na49]

That's what I'm struggling with. I never really "fought for her" or "begged" for her to come back. I was so depressed she was gone, I just didn't want to lose her from my life completely and before I knew how much pain friendship caused. I was okay with that. Which is why I want to reach out to her. Learn where her head is at. Learn exactly what she's thinking right now. Tell her "I can't be your friend because I still have feelings for you. If you ever want to talk about mending our relationship then fine. but otherwise I think it's for the best that we don't talk anymore"

 

BUT then it's exactly what I said before. I don't know where her head is at. Maybe she'll see me as desperate and annoying and tell me to go get lost instead of understanding and accepting it. If we were the ones dumped though, I think it's hard to tell whether or not they would want us back. If they regretted their decision, wouldn't they tell us?

[Hopeful714]

Sorry na...I cant shut up now.....

 

I swear if I ever get a bread crumb again...I'm snatching it and am going to ask for an opportunity to talk. (not in person though-cant handle that).

 

Theres no way I could possibly be hurt any more than I already was. I know I am strong enough at least to handle a civilized conversation yet maintain dignity and respect for myself.

[Hopeful714]

Really na, since WE were cheated on, WE should have been fought for and begged for. And maybe in a sense we were but were to hurt yet to deal with what they had to say because we were processing what happened in our minds.

 

Like you said...what really sucks is we don't know where their at. And they the same for us because so much time has now passed.

 

What you said about what you would say...makes sense to me. But everyone on here will say dont do it. Ok so you dont do it and this goes on another 5 years? Noooooooo.

 

I don't know if someone would actually come out and say they regretted a decision. But I think you would get a feel for how they feel about you. Good or bad....you however have to be able to be mature enough to accept what she is saying and make good choices at that point for you. I think if she was rude to you after all this time...you may think hey, your a biotch anyhow and I really don't want someone like you after all.

[cavalier99]

God will you 2 stop it. This crap is ridiculous and unhealthy. I think i need to leave the thread for a bit.

 

No closure will ever come from them. It is waaaaaay waaaay over, gone, finito, adios, chao. You are holding onto a pipe dream. There is a better chance of getting struck by lightning than they are coming back or will communicate something we want to hear. Arghhhh. The past is done..no do overs..none of this matters now.

 

So frustrating. Cav

Edited January 27, 2013 by cavalier99

[Hopeful714]

I agree w/ you on the unhealthy part cav, but it f-ing hurts.

 

Nobody really knows what the other is thinking/feeling.

 

When things end like this its just awful....it took me years to find this connection...and now poof gone? Connections/comfort aren't easy to find so how the heck do the ex's find it so fast? Its nuts.

[suladas]

Contacting them is a very risky thing to do. I'm going to be honest for the past 2 months i've thought about it and actually started writing a bit and yes I do plan to send it to her. Not gushing out my feelings, just saying a few things that I think need to be said. However, i'm in a much different place, i'm almost forcing myself to write it because I don't really want to, I really don't care anymore. But long term I think it's best if I say a few things, and considering come spring I will see her a lot outside and bound to talk again i'm sure so i'd feel better saying a few things.

 

I can say for sure I KNOW I won't care if she doesn't respond, as long as she reads it it will be good enough for me. I'm not trying to tell anyone else it's a good idea to do so, especially if they were cheated on. My scenario is different in so many ways from almost everyone here so my reasons are different. But the most important thing is, no matter what happens no response or a bad one it will not send me back into a mess again, because i'm way past that point. But if you're doing it hoping to get them back, or lying to yourself thinking that, you're headed for diaster.

 

It might even be selfish but I really don't care what my ex thinks of it. I'm doing it for me and me only.

[cavalier99]

I agree w/ you on the unhealthy part cav, but it f-ing hurts.

 

Nobody really knows what the other is thinking/feeling.

 

When things end like this its just awful....it took me years to find this connection...and now poof gone? Connections/comfort aren't easy to find so how the heck do the ex's find it so fast? Its nuts.

 

I know the whole thing sucks. But is is the bitter pill of reality we need to swallow. They aren't here anymore. If they wanted to be here they wouldn't have left and stayed gone..

 

That's it..there is nothing more to it. No amount of analysis or wishful thinking will change that. We just need to suck it up...again thats it...we go thru it and eventually come out ok if we dont mess up too much.

[Simon Phoenix]

Surprisingly, I'm not afraid to trust anyone again. Which is surprising considering how I was disrespected in the worst way possible. I know how much I've learned since the BU which could be another reason I want my ex now. I want to share all of these changes that I'm making with someone. Show her that I'm not the same guy she dumped, but am improving.

 

I guess the other part even if she is single is she could be single but not want me. She might want someone new which is completely her right. She might want to get as much d*ck as she can in college and not want to settle for just one. I think if I hadn't gotten those breadcrumbs texts where she told me she missed me and wanted to talk to me. When she said that "we needed to talk". My head is so f*cked because of that. WHAT DID WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT!?? When she was constantly texting me just saying "hi". I'm thinking that meant something that it didn't, but I just can't convince myself of that.

 

She's a cheater. Why do you want that? What is going on in your head which allows you to not only forgive such behavior, but want to go back to it. That's why your situation infuriates me. If she had just broken up with you, I'd understand your desire to get back with her more. But bro, you need to work on yourself and why you are willing to be a doormat, at least in your mind (thank f--king god you post on here instead of acting on this stuff).

 

You need to change the subject in your head as soon as she pops into it. Normally I'm all about having a thought process run its course, but your thoughts are destructive thoughts.

[Hopeful714]

Ok...Ill suck it up for now but I'm still not buying all this. Again look at all the posts about peoples x's going back to previous x's. Heck, there was a whole thread on that a while back.

 

I'm sorry I just smell unfinished business. I will continue on and move on as I must....but there is unfinished business. If I am delusional so be it.

 

Even geekguy's x got in touch. I KNEW that would happen. Cant wait till we hear what they talked about.

 

sorry for the hi-jack....geez this thread is getting loooong.

[Simon Phoenix]

Ok, how about a confident call structured properly save esteem and to get some answers?

 

No. Closure comes from within. A call will feel great at the beginning, but there will be something that a) you didn't say or you didn't think you said clearly that you want to say again or b) something he said in response that you are overanalyzing. And you'll want to call again. It's a drug.

[cavalier99]

Ok...Ill suck it up for now but I'm still not buying all this. Again look at all the posts about peoples x's going back to previous x's. Heck, there was a whole thread on that a while back.

 

I'm sorry I just smell unfinished business. I will continue on and move on as I must....but there is unfinished business. If I am delusional so be it.

 

Even geekguy's x got in touch. I KNEW that would happen. Cant wait till we hear what they talked about.

 

sorry for the hi-jack....geez this thread is getting loooong.

 

Hey listen. I'm not saying reconciliation doesn't happen. I've had it happen to me. But I sorta knew it would happen. What drove me here is i know it isn't happening.

 

If you think it can happen. Get on the phone and tell him how you feel and see where he stands. Simple.

 

I got a nice email. You read it. So did supergeek. But these don't mean that they want back and quite frankly we probably shouldn't take them back. When they want back it FEELS different. There is no deciphering and analysis.

 

I personally only want to recover. Irregardless of what she wants (which is pretty obvious to to me that she only want my friendship) Thus my perspective and dismissive nature of any bread crumbs from her.

 

If she want back she can come get me and i decide. She left and made it clear...and i don't see her at my door step. And that is where she would be guaranteed.

 

We tend to forget when people want to be with us they make it easy for us. Does this feel easy? If it is hard and we are analysing every word they say and they dont contact us...this tells the whole story. Just my opinion. Cav

[na49]

I know cheating is unacceptable, but I'm convincing myself that she wouldn't do it again. That if I changed then she wouldn't need to go elsewhere. I feel like it's my fault she cheated on me. Like if I was better, this 24 year old rock star wouldn't have been as attractive to her.

 

I want to find out what she's thinking about me so bad! It's safer to assume she doesn't want me because she hasn't given me any reason to believe she does. I just wonder what would happen if I did speak to her. Almost 3 months NC and it's starting to get to me. The only way I'd want to contact her is text, but I'd need to unblock her number. If I unblock her number, I'll go crazy every time my phone goes off again. I just can't win..

 

Do people honestly wait for the other person to contact them? Would an ex who dumped someone wait for the other person to contact them? I'm like 60/40 about it and leaning in the right direction. (thinking this whole idea is stupid and delusional) but it doesn't keep me from moving to the other side of it which is the side that wants her. The old her. I don't know why, but I see pictures of us from prom and I don't feel any emotions. I just look at them and say "Oh, yeah we had fun at our proms" BUT when I saw new pictures of her with her friends. I felt like crap. I wonder why?

 

In other news. I just got back from my friend's birthday party. Damn she looked good today. So much better than my ex ever did (they're in completely different classes looks wise). Pretty much everything I want my next girlfriend to be. Not crazy. Good looking. Kind of shy like me. I wasn't as social as I would've liked, so I'm bummed about that but there's nothing I can do now.

 

haha I think it's funny how this site has become my diary

[Simon Phoenix]

I know cheating is unacceptable, but I'm convincing myself that she wouldn't do it again. That if I changed then she wouldn't need to go elsewhere. I feel like it's my fault she cheated on me. Like if I was better, this 24 year old rock star wouldn't have been as attractive to her.

 

I want to find out what she's thinking about me so bad! It's safer to assume she doesn't want me because she hasn't given me any reason to believe she does. I just wonder what would happen if I did speak to her. Almost 3 months NC and it's starting to get to me. The only way I'd want to contact her is text, but I'd need to unblock her number. If I unblock her number, I'll go crazy every time my phone goes off again. I just can't win..

 

Do people honestly wait for the other person to contact them? Would an ex who dumped someone wait for the other person to contact them? I'm like 60/40 about it and leaning in the right direction. (thinking this whole idea is stupid and delusional) but it doesn't keep me from moving to the other side of it which is the side that wants her. The old her. I don't know why, but I see pictures of us from prom and I don't feel any emotions. I just look at them and say "Oh, yeah we had fun at our proms" BUT when I saw new pictures of her with her friends. I felt like crap. I wonder why?

 

In other news. I just got back from my friend's birthday party. Damn she looked good today. So much better than my ex ever did (they're in completely different classes looks wise). Pretty much everything I want my next girlfriend to be. Not crazy. Good looking. Kind of shy like me. I wasn't as social as I would've liked, so I'm bummed about that but there's nothing I can do now.

 

haha I think it's funny how this site has become my diary

 

Your thoughts are stupid and delusional. I don't even know where to start anymore. What you seem to not want to realize is that the cheating her is just as much a part of what she is that the old her. You can't pick or choose -- they both are part of the equation. There's a real world out there that you need to be a part of. She is a cheater. If she did it once and you took her back, what's to stop her from doing it again? She can do whatever the hell she wants to you and you'll take it like you are her pet. She kicks you and you want more.

 

Honestly (and I might get heat from making this comparison, but I don't care) you are exhibiting the "battered wife" syndrome. When you ask battered women why they stay with their husbands, two of the most common responses, besides "I love him" are "he wasn't always like this" or "well, maybe if it was something I did and if I change, he'll change." Those abusive boyfriends/husbands don't change. There's no reason for them to. There'd be no reason for her to. You were getting battered emotionally, and the effects of that are being played out every time you allow yourself to get sucked into these thoughts. Was your self-esteem always this crappy? I really hope not.

 

As for if she thinks about you, I would guess not nearly as much as you think about her. And if she does, it'll be like "I wonder what na is up to? Ehh, oh well, who cares?" But yeah dude, you know there are better looking girls out there. You know there are more emotionally stable girls out there. You know there are more friendly and courteous girls out there. There is absolutely no reason for you to eat your ex's s--t like you want to do. Thankfully, you keep these thoughts in here instead of acting on them. That would be a disaster and uncomfortable to watch.

[na49]

lol you won't take heat for that from me. I love how honest you've been with me throughout this whole thing. I appreciate honesty, I need you and everyone else to tell me I'm being a b*tch because your voices are louder than mine and it's easier to listen when I hear it from you guys instead of hearing it for myself.

 

I definitely am showing those signs. I felt like the b*tch in the relationship a lot honestly. She was more of the "alpha" in the relationship because it was my first relationship and it was just another one to her. So I followed whatever she did like a dog and obeyed because I thought if I didn't. She'd leave me. She got really upset whenever I was close to showing "alpha" qualities. Like telling her "no". I went to go hang out with a friend who moved and I hadn't seen in a year. She texts me "Don't text me while you're with him". I NEVER cared when she hung out with her friends. Great she's with her friends. She'll text me when she gets home. It was a crime when I hung out with my friends or had fun. (I didn't hang out with them much)

 

I know there are better looking girls who are more emotionally stable. I saw them today. My friend is seriously everything I want my next girl to be. If you gave me a choice of my friend or my ex. I'd pick my friend every time. I guess the only thing I have to do is improve so that I can get a girl like her. You'd think shy girls would be easier to get than girls who never shut up right? I wouldn't know because I'm no expert on this stuff as everyone knows.

[Simon Phoenix]

na, most women enjoy men showing alpha qualities. The fact that she didn't enjoy that shows that she saw you more as a possession than as a partner.

[na49]

na, most women enjoy men showing alpha qualities. The fact that she didn't enjoy that shows that she saw you more as a possession than as a partner.

 

Ouch. You're probably right though. I I mean I understand getting mad if I don't want to do something. I felt like it was blown up though. I couldn't hang out one night because I was sick and she went to her friends and asked "why do I deserve this?" Would a girl honestly be pissed at me if I couldn't hang out because I was sick? Or have I run into a special case?

[Simon Phoenix]

Ouch. You're probably right though. I I mean I understand getting mad if I don't want to do something. I felt like it was blown up though. I couldn't hang out one night because I was sick and she went to her friends and asked "why do I deserve this?" Would a girl honestly be pissed at me if I couldn't hang out because I was sick? Or have I run into a special case?

 

Who knows. Doesn't matter. Not worth figuring out. She sucks.

[Chi townD]

Dude, remember! You are an after thought. When she was desperate to contact you, it was ONLY to get you in the friend zone. She had NO interest in getting back with you, NO interest in apologizing to you for her behavior. She just wanted to know if you hated her or not. She wanted to ease her guilt. Everything was selfishly motivated on her part without a single regard to you or your feelings. Always remember that.

 

I mean, you're back at school again. The Campus can only be so big. If she wanted to find you, it wouldn't be that difficult. Has she sought you out? NOPE! Not at all. You even posted that people you barely know now knew that she was your "Ex". So, she could find you if she wanted to. SHE JUST DOESN'T CARE ANYMORE! THE ONLY THING SHE CARED ABOUT WAS EASING HER OWN GUILT! And now? I doubt if she even cares about that anymore.

 

You're hung up on a girl that could give a rats ass about you. Remember, all these thoughts of contacting her? What will it accomplish? NOTHING!!! Except that she was able to break you in the end.

 

You're making great progress....keep going. You're coming out of your shell slowly; keep going!

 

How was your first workout at the gym?

[na49]

First workout was solid. I took it slow. 15 minutes on the treadmill, and a few exercises that I thought looked good. I was there for about an hour. I actually have no idea what I worked on but I feel it in my arms. I also feel like I'm the sh*t right now. I read that you feel good after working out so it's nice to see how true that is. I was jamming out in the car on the way home.

 

It really is silly to think she still cares. The thoughts are actually annoying. It's been almost 4 months now. If we weren't done when she told me we were done. She's probably done now. If anything I'm crushing on my friend I saw last night. Damn.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you got ran through the ringer. Take your time and heal from this. The good thing is, there are more women than men in this world; they're not going anywhere. Take your time and heal.

 

If you want to bite the bullet, ask the friend out to dinner. If she says "no", well, that's the worst that can happen. But! You need to remember that there's a girl out there that will say "yes". She's out there, you just have to find her.

[na49]

I've been taking my time. Posting here has really helped me a lot, and being talked out of those stupid thoughts when they pop into my head. I'd rather post here and have you guys talk me out of it then act on it and look like a desperate clown.

 

I was seeing if she was on facebook, but she's rarely ever on. She's not a good friend of mine but I'd like to hit her up and tell her I had fun last night. (even though I really didn't have as much fun as I wanted to) I see emotionally stable girls all over the place, makes me want them even more. What I'm doing is whenever I think of my ex, I immediately replace the thought of my ex with my friend who is better in every way. I was even jamming out to some songs that bothered me before. Baby steps I guess.

 

My arms feel a little shaky, I guess that's normal right? It's so funny how worried I was about going. Everyone there is doing their own thing and this one gorilla was helping a girl telling her what she should do. So if I got any questions, I know who to ask. I was going to ask him about reps but I didn't bother. I love how I felt afterwards. I haven't felt like that in a while. My ex wasn't on my mind at all. I haven't seen her in almost a week now, but I've seen all of her "friends" who just kind of look at me. like "Oh? He's still living his life after she left him? He doesn't look upset at all" I almost want to be under the impression that she doesn't go to the same school as me even though she does. It helps me when I think of it that way. Of course then I see her and it messes it up.

[Chi townD]

When you go to the gym today, give your upper body a break. Do full on cardio today. Give your arms a day to heal. When you do reps, it should be about 3-4 reps per excerise with about a 15-30 second break inbetween reps. Not any longer than that or else you lose the cardio benefit of pushing weight. When you do weight, pick a weight that isn't too easy but heavy enough that your last rep should end up in failure. And if you fail to finish the rep, that's okay (you definately got the benefit if you ended in muscle failure). Stick to that weight until you can easily get through the reps without a problem, then bump up the weight 10%. alternate between pushing weight one day, then cardio the next. Six days a week and then take one day off. BUT! remember you have to go to the gym the next day.

 

With changing your body; 20% if it is done in the gym and 80% is done with your diet. You need to change that as well. No more fast food. Instead of drinking pop or soda, drink water....LOTS OF WATER!! Water helps lubercate the muscles and joints. Water helps with your body's healing process and helps cleanse your system. Plus, ice cold water helps you lose weight. If it's cold, you body has to work to warm it up. Thus, speeding up your metabolism. Go to a low fat high protein diet. Protein helps with celluar repair. And what protein your body doesn't use, you piss it out. So, chicken, rice, fish, whole grain breads and lot's of fruits and veggies. Slim milk, oatmeal, fat free cottage cheese, NATURAL peanut butter (not that skippy, Peter Pan and JIF crap that's loaded with sugars) almonds, peanuts, raisins as snacks. Egg beaters or egg whites are good to.

 

Do not eat three hours before bed. Even if you're feeling a little hungry, don't eat! You body has to be in a semi-fasting phase when you sleep. If you put something in your stomach, your body is going to work to digest what's in there while you sleep. If there's nothing there, then your body is going to attack your fat reserves while you sleep. So, you're losing fat while you sleep if you do this.

 

This is just and idea to get you started with changing your body.