Why do I feel worse?

[suladas]

I think EVERYONE here should stop this line of thought right now.

 

NOBODY IS COMMUNICATING WITH ANY EX. OK!

 

Lets all wait another 6 months ...heal more and reassess then. This is the madness creeping in.

 

DEAL?

 

Cav

 

Ya about that, I did it a few hours ago. Thing is I didn't feel like I needed to or anything like before I could of waited months or possibly never, it wasnt a huge urge. This just felt different, no healing left because I haven't felt anything for her in quite a while. No response yet and I feel nothing. In a way as long as she read it, it's good enough for me and I'm done with it. It's also good because it gives a few months for everything to settle then when summer comes it will be old news and forget about this. Well probably, that or I will never want to talk to her again.

[suladas]

Although I've been doing homework all day, the thoughts of her have been sinking in. I started to wonder what if I fought for her harder? I gave up pretty quickly. I heard her say she didn't want me (or something like that) and took her word for it. I never tried to change her mind or anything. I was more concerned with keeping her in my life than getting her back. That's changed obviously.

 

I won't contact her. I'd rather assume she doesn't want me anymore and doesn't like me until I have a reason to believe otherwise.

 

It doesn't matter if she wants you, you have to have more respect for yourself then to go back to a cheater. I mean I was almost not willing to talk to my ex again for breaking up with me over a text and that's nothing compared to cheating.

[na49]

It doesn't matter if she wants you, you have to have more respect for yourself then to go back to a cheater. I mean I was almost not willing to talk to my ex again for breaking up with me over a text and that's nothing compared to cheating.

 

I would feel great if I just knew she wanted me though. I'll never know if she does or not though..

 

God damn, the thoughts are coming back. I have to go do more homework or something.

[Simon Phoenix]

Although I've been doing homework all day, the thoughts of her have been sinking in. I started to wonder what if I fought for her harder? I gave up pretty quickly. I heard her say she didn't want me (or something like that) and took her word for it. I never tried to change her mind or anything. I was more concerned with keeping her in my life than getting her back. That's changed obviously.

 

I won't contact her. I'd rather assume she doesn't want me anymore and doesn't like me until I have a reason to believe otherwise.

 

You haven't given up on her enough. SHE CHEATED!!!

[Simon Phoenix]

It doesn't matter if she wants you, you have to have more respect for yourself then to go back to a cheater. I mean I was almost not willing to talk to my ex again for breaking up with me over a text and that's nothing compared to cheating.

 

Exactly. Besides breaking up with me in the flaky way she did, my ex did absolutely nothing negative to me. Do I wish she would have been more direct about it? Of course. But what she did to me is not even in the same solar system as cheating.

 

na, your ex is a piece of s--t. Look up Occam's Razor, which states that the theory that makes the fewest assumptions is usually the correct one. In this case, she cheated, therefore she's a hemorrhoid.

[Simon Phoenix]

I haven't contacted my ex Cav Though to be honest, when I was considering it earlier this week it would have happened a month from now at the earliest. So yeah.

[suladas]

I haven't contacted my ex Cav Though to be honest, when I was considering it earlier this week it would have happened a month from now at the earliest. So yeah.

 

It's best to really think about it for a while, I thought about it since early december. I knew exactly what I was doing, I don't regret it at all.

[na49]

Maybe I'm not as pissed because I don't know if she's actually dating him? They tried and as far as I know it failed. She clearly had an EA with him though, and held hands with him walking around campus while she was still with me. (which is crazy) on top of other things that I don't want to mention or think about. Who knows what else she did besides the things her friends told me. I don't know why she can't just be dead to me? I think about what she did in detail and it makes me hate her. Why can't the feelings of hate towards her just stay forever?

[cavalier99]

Ya about that, I did it a few hours ago. Thing is I didn't feel like I needed to or anything like before I could of waited months or possibly never, it wasnt a huge urge. This just felt different, no healing left because I haven't felt anything for her in quite a while. No response yet and I feel nothing. In a way as long as she read it, it's good enough for me and I'm done with it. It's also good because it gives a few months for everything to settle then when summer comes it will be old news and forget about this. Well probably, that or I will never want to talk to her again.

 

Well no big deal. You've been indifferent so its cool. I was a little more worried about others on this thread in a more fragile state..me included ha lol

[cavalier99]

I haven't contacted my ex Cav Though to be honest, when I was considering it earlier this week it would have happened a month from now at the earliest. So yeah.

 

Cool. I really don't think any of us have anything to be gained by contacting them at this point. Even if you are close to indifference. Why risk it.

 

Better to get some more dates under your belt ecetera. You know the Look forward not backward deal. Plus we have worked so hard to healthy again..it could be a slippery slope especially if you get some positive vibes.

[h3braica]

Dude I soooooooooo relate.

 

he's in my dreams again. woke up with thoughts of him and with a tightening feeling in my chest. 5 weeks since BU. i thought i was fine.

[suladas]

Well no big deal. You've been indifferent so its cool. I was a little more worried about others on this thread in a more fragile state..me included ha lol

 

Ya it's not something to do if you're really still hurting. I remember contacting her many months ago turned me into a mess. Today has still been different for me, a bit anxious to see if she will reply.

[Simon Phoenix]

Cool. I really don't think any of us have anything to be gained by contacting them at this point. Even if you are close to indifference. Why risk it.

 

Better to get some more dates under your belt ecetera. You know the Look forward not backward deal. Plus we have worked so hard to healthy again..it could be a slippery slope especially if you get some positive vibes.

 

I actually think I'm pretty healthy. I mean, if I contact and she rebuffs or ignores, I'm not going to spiral into some depressive cycle or anything. If I contact and she vibes it, I really don't feel as if I'll allow myself to be a tennis ball that she hits back and forth. I mean, it wasn't like that before, it was good, good, good, great, great, great then poof after I freaked. She wasn't playing around with me before and she's not playing around with me now. I give her credit for that, she's not doing the half-and-half now at all. She did have one time right after the break where she almost caved and invited me over before canceling, but that was the only real dumper-slipup she had.

 

The thing that vexes me about the way she handled it is that I really don't know the exact reason why she did it (then again, I've never told her why I freaked out the way I did either, so maybe it's fitting). Using the Occam's Razor theory, I think the most likely scenario was that I was too emotional at that point and she freaked. The other scenario is that she felt I was rejecting her and she played the role of the forced dumper. It doesn't really matter so much at this point -- even if she felt I had rejected her for whatever reason she knows by now that it wasn't my purpose to do so.

 

But yeah, I'm getting close to the point where regret about not making another play at it supercedes any heartbreak/setback I would encounter if my advances were rejected or ignored. But there's really no pressing need to do it now, which is why I'm holding off. I'm busy with work, there's no way I'm doing it in the vicinity of Valentine's Day, so February is basically eliminated.

[na49]

I don't think I'd be back to day 1 if I contacted her at this point. Doesn't mean I will, but I won't go back to feeling really depressed. I'd be bummed for a few weeks if the contact didn't go the way I wanted it to, but that's it.

 

I'm thinking about what would happen if I asked her for another chance and tried to fix things. hmm these thoughts are so toxic..

[Hopeful714]

It wasn't meant to be for now. If it was...it would be..and if it is ...it will be. But right now we all have the obligation to live our OWN lives, become better people, fix problems we may have, do what we want and live/try to find our dreams. If somehow, someway, someday, we get to talk again to them, sort things out, repair things, so be it. If not, then unfortunately that's the way it is and we just keep going.

 

I got shi* to do. For me. You all have shi* to do for you. We need to do it. We need to keep going. We need to keep moving forward.

 

We felt all this deeper then our ex's. Everything SEEMS light and fluffy for them now...but we don't really know what they are dealing with. Chances are many are just spinning their wheels. Just stick the path...make US better, and in the end I have belief, and or hope that what we are doing and where this takes us is for the best.

 

There's no way in hell Im picking up that phone. I want what is good for me. You guys sound like wonderful people...we all deserve the best.

 

And yea, it still sucks....but such is life. We gotta deal...and come out on top.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think I'd be back to day 1 if I contacted her at this point. Doesn't mean I will, but I won't go back to feeling really depressed. I'd be bummed for a few weeks if the contact didn't go the way I wanted it to, but that's it.

 

I'm thinking about what would happen if I asked her for another chance and tried to fix things. hmm these thoughts are so toxic..

 

C'mon dude. I feel like a quasi-tool with my thoughts, and my ex didn't do 1 percent of what your ex did to you.

[Simon Phoenix]

It wasn't meant to be for now. If it was...it would be..and if it is ...it will be. But right now we all have the obligation to live our OWN lives, become better people, fix problems we may have, do what we want and live/try to find our dreams. If somehow, someway, someday, we get to talk again to them, sort things out, repair things, so be it. If not, then unfortunately that's the way it is and we just keep going.

 

I got shi* to do. For me. You all have shi* to do for you. We need to do it. We need to keep going. We need to keep moving forward.

 

We felt all this deeper then our ex's. Everything SEEMS light and fluffy for them now...but we don't really know what they are dealing with. Chances are many are just spinning their wheels. Just stick the path...make US better, and in the end I have belief, and or hope that what we are doing and where this takes us is for the best.

 

There's no way in hell Im picking up that phone. I want what is good for me. You guys sound like wonderful people...we all deserve the best.

 

And yea, it still sucks....but such is life. We gotta deal...and come out on top.

 

I agree with this. Everything I'm brainstorming doing (and right now it's brainstorming, I'm definitely not planning on executing anything like this right now) is basically for me. Not to cowtow to her, but for my own enjoyment, for what I want. Like I said a few days ago when I started really verbalizing this, all of this becomes null and void if I happen to meet someone else, or if there are other developments that arise. I mean, I was planning on contacting her in late October, I heard some things I didn't like, so I aborted that mission. And haven't made a move in her direction since.

 

I am leaning toward "let life take its course". I mean, perhaps my ex is conflicted as I am. She might not be, but who the hell knows. I don't and I'm happy about that. At the very least, her plan of "seeing if she can do better" doesn't seem to be working out at this point if her Facebook (which I haven't been back to since I caved on Tuesday) is accurate.

[na49]

I think that the problem I have with not knowing is that I want to know if she is struggling with this as much as I am. I know how delusional and stupid that is, but if I knew, I could put this "theory" to rest and maybe get rid of the false hopes and stupid thoughts for good. If she did want me back, I would want to know about it whether I took her back or not.

 

but apparently setbacks just happen. So I'll hopefully sleep this off tonight. She wasn't the first thing on my mind this morning surprisingly.

[Hopeful714]

It doesn't matter. She DID like you...we know that..she dated you! What she is thinking now doesn't matter...its all about you now. I'm sure she has feelings about it. Are they as deep as yours and did she suffer? Can't say, don't know, we never will. Chances are she is still dealing with the same crap she was when you were with her. That is why it is so important we keep moving ahead. Let's not get stuck in other peoples Jerry Springer episodes.

 

Maybe too much wine tonight...oopsy!

[Simon Phoenix]

I think that the problem I have with not knowing is that I want to know if she is struggling with this as much as I am. I know how delusional and stupid that is, but if I knew, I could put this "theory" to rest and maybe get rid of the false hopes and stupid thoughts for good. If she did want me back, I would want to know about it whether I took her back or not.

 

but apparently setbacks just happen. So I'll hopefully sleep this off tonight. She wasn't the first thing on my mind this morning surprisingly.

 

Yeah, I don't really get why you want to know that. I don't really care if my ex is "struggling" with it, and she didn't do a hundredth of what your ex did to you. I don't get why you give a s--t about her feelings at all, I don't get why you have any hope of reconciliation with someone who not only betrayed you, but flaunted it in your face. The only hope you should entertain right now is that you hope she gets either a) attacked by a velociraptor with rabies or b) gets in a tragic hot-air balloon accident in Mexico and is part of a following hostage crisis.

[Hopeful714]

In a crazy way I could understand it. The rejection. Being betrayed. Its powerful stuff....and he's a sensitive guy...so yea ...all that makes sense to me why he wants to know how she feels.

 

Saw the councelor (sp?) again today. Asked about the closure thing and he did say its about finding it within yourself...otherwise it goes on and on. He likened it to a puzzle where all the pieces are on the floor and we need to put it together for ourselves and come to our own conclusions.

 

I know Im not the same. Bet you all aren't either. We learned. We are growing. There's better ahead.

 

Funny, I don't hate him anymore as much. But there is still no forgiveness. Doubt there ever will be. I'm curious what the future holds...and know that a lot of that is in my own hands.

[Simon Phoenix]

In a crazy way I could understand it. The rejection. Being betrayed. Its powerful stuff....and he's a sensitive guy...so yea ...all that makes sense to me why he wants to know how she feels.

 

Saw the councelor (sp?) again today. Asked about the closure thing and he did say its about finding it within yourself...otherwise it goes on and on. He likened it to a puzzle where all the pieces are on the floor and we need to put it together for ourselves and come to our own conclusions.

 

I know Im not the same. Bet you all aren't either. We learned. We are growing. There's better ahead.

 

Funny, I don't hate him anymore as much. But there is still no forgiveness. Doubt there ever will be. I'm curious what the future holds...and know that a lot of that is in my own hands.

 

Yeah, I'm kind of a d--k I guess. I'm actually a pretty nice person and very laid back, but I have a line and when it's crossed, yeah, you might as well not exist to me. I've been cheated on once to my knowledge and when I found out, that person was gone with the quickness. And I didn't look back at all. I didn't feel badly about myself either -- I felt she was totally in the wrong and any misgivings I had about my role in the relationship were eliminated the moment she decided to betray me.

 

So I can't comprehend how he can have hope for that, because it goes against everything I believe in. I think you have to have a minimum standard of conduct that you hold everyone in your life accountable for. I get that he's sensitive (I can be sensitive too), but there's a difference between being sensitive and letting people walk all over you. He'll have to learn that, but at least he's learning that in here than making an ass out of himself trying to beg her. Getting the occasional keyboard lashing from myself, cav, suladas, Chitown and whoever is better than her taking a dump on his heart and him asking for seconds.

[Hopeful714]

I think you got it right Simon Phoenix. Some of us are still learning. And no, your not a dic*....you just have good command of your boundaries.

 

bedtyme...Im beat! night all.

[suladas]

Well I got my answer she blocked me on FB, i'd be lying if I said that didn't hurt to see, childish in my opinion to but whatever it fits her whole attitude towards the BU so I shouldn't be surprised. HUGE difference from when I contacted her before, that hurt SO bad, this time it's just a bit i'm sure when I wake up tomorrow I will of forgot it. No idea if she even read it, or just deleted it but it doesn't matter. But it gives me a clear answer, no more doubts, no more what if's no more anything like that, I guess that's where the hurt comes from. I don't know if I regret contacting her, it set me back a bit for sure and I didn't need to contact. But at the same time it finalized things for me, it's just worse because today was already a sh*tty day for me and it made things a bit worse. I never knew why things ended and stuff, but now I got that closure. At the same time I guess I could have kept going without contact, but it's done. I do wonder wtf her problem is, but i'm not going to waste my time thinking about it. I actually forgot about it until I went on FB tonight and happened to look in my messages and noticed her photo was gone.

 

Somehow I don't forsee this being the end though. I've always been a good neighbor since it's an attached house you can hear a bit, but with the lack of respect from her, that's over especially with how loud she is, i'm just tired of giving the benefit of the doubt and being quiet to not get the same respect in return. Not sure how it's going to go over when I contact her about being too loud next time it happens, or if she has the same number as that's the only way to contact her. No other way to go about it, but I also don't want to start a huge thing with her.

 

Oh well, life goes on. I'm not sure if I will ever forgive her and forget this and just say hi like regular neighbors. I want to believe she is a good person and sh*t just happened, but I have too much respect for myself to be nice to someone who has treated me like crap.

 

So for you guys wondering about contacting another bad ending. I knew my chances were really low to begin with, and well i'm not really surprised. I didn't expect a message to magically change everything.

Edited February 2, 2013 by suladas

[Simon Phoenix]

What exactly did you write her?